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I need to start simplifying my posts. I tend to drag my thoughts out too long. Which is annoying to read and annoying to write. I almost always delete them anyways.

Also, I just realized it's been over a year and a half since we've gotten a true 'sketch.'

I was expecting Shore Leave to keep the same date in August that they had previously, so I went to see if I could register today. Turns out, it's TOMORROW!!!


I didn't plan to be off work for this weekend, and I'm not really financially able to go, to tell the truth. (I was betting on some sympathy from my parents.) I'm going to miss some interesting people and this will be the first year I've missed since I started going to it.

It's probably for the best in the long run, but in the short term... this sucks...

Edit: I already paid for it, too, back in October!

Time to try for a refund...

Annoyed that no matter how hard I try in the last last 5 years: I can't get a new job and I can't improve on relationships.
Screw trying to be happy.
Miserable and angry me it is then.

Sometimes I feel like all I do on these forums, or really anywhere, is start arguments. And I really hate that because I'm an incredibly conflict-averse person and I spend most of my time worrying about how to say things so that I won't upset anyone, even if I'm saying them because I'm upset, and I still manage to offend people and create exactly the kind of conflicts I was trying to avoid.

I don't know, maybe even saying this will start something, but I'm really just frustrated with myself and not anyone else. I hate being the person who constantly derails things by starting arguments and I know a lot of my friends view me that way, and I don't think they mind specifically but I'm sure it's annoying. All I really want in life is to make sure everyone feels comfortable and gets along, and sometimes I feel like I'm the biggest obstacle to achieving that goal.

Kapol wrote:Also, I just realized it's been over a year and a half since we've gotten a true 'sketch.'

Ask and ye shall receive, apparently!

Conflicts happen. There's nothing you can do to avoid them. Trust me, I've tried so hard with my family and things still kick off. In the end I've gone, smeg it, I've had enough, too much hassel with no gain.

I was gonna start that one if you didn't, Psyclone. Don't worry about it.

Well, thank you That rant stays true for the rest of my life, though. I either need to learn to stand up for myself better and stop letting other people fight my battles or I need to stop throwing my opinions out there until I can defend them myself.

I mean, to some extent that might be wise, but I can't fault you at all for trying to voice your beliefs but being afraid of conflict. I've struggled with it for a long time as well. I know you, dude. I know you can get there if you want to.

Bah. I really like my job, but there's a couple things I really am tired of already (and I have 9 more weeks). Living an hour and a half commute away. Each way. I leave before 6am and get home after 8pm. Every. Day. Fortunately I'm on 4-10s and only work 4 days a week, but I get so exhausted by Wednesday. Especially when I'm trying to squeeze 7.5 hours of sleep, feeding the cats, showering, and getting ready into those few hours between getting home and leaving.

The other big problem I've run into, and I've only experienced it a couple times so far, but it really bothers me, is the aggressive, posturing way the "senior" men argue with each other. I grew up in a house where I would get yelled at because I was crying, so I cried even more. My dad was always angry and even if it wasn't at me, I got yelled at, so I cried, so I got yelled at, etc. So when these guys get really angry while arguing, I start freaking the fuck out internally. It's almost like a low level panic attack, where I deal by just clamming up and shutting down. And in the second case, going to the bathroom after they leave my office and sobbing for 15 minutes. And they never yell, but tensions are high, and they don't diffuse the situation, and they refuse to talk in terms that the other person understands. It is exactly like two people agreeing on an answer, but they speak different languages so they assume the other person is negating them so they argue back harder.

I just don't know how to deal with it without causing a scene. Like I could open the next group meeting with a "hey, so, your aggressive posturing makes me extremely uncomfortable because I grew up in an abusive household, I need you to be aware of your aggressive behavior or I'm just going to leave the room when you do that" but then I get the whole "oh you're damaged" stigma.

Basically, white male academia egos unwilling (unable?) to keep their aggressions in check because the campus is like 75% male and I feel extremely out of place and powerless to do anything about it.

Actually I just recalled that the HR department of diversification might have some resources for me. Maybe I'll give them a call in the morning.

And because this weekend I went to my mom's I'm already exhausted and not rested so this is going to be a very long week.

And I know I'm generalizing, but seriously, what the fuck is with straight cis white male syndrome(i.e. a complete disregard for how your actions and words may and will affect other people)? Can it just not? Please, thank you.

Some drunk old idiot pulled a knife on the bus driver, so I had to walk extra to get home, since I was just getting out right there.

When people can't be bothered to not be jerks because effort...

Its currently 1 am and approximately 8 trillion degrees with no sign of any cooling inside or outside. And I cant even open a window because of gorram mosquitos. Seriously, I spent the last hour squashing about 20 of the fuckers and there is atleast one more in here...

And now it turns out the gearbox in my car is most likely pretty much nackered... 2 FUCKING DAYS BEFORE MY VACATION *Table flip*

Spend 5 years job seeking with people telling you to get a job.
Get a job.
Spend your days with people telling you to get a better job.

Gala for the new restaurant opening tonight. This morning the bakery staff (myself included) got our first crack at these bread recipes. So out of the 4 recipes we used, 3 of them sucked. We were supposed to have 20 baguettes, 20 ryes and 400 bread sticks. As well as some focaccia. We ended up throwing out all the rye our recipe made and redoing them. The baguettes, we would have done that, except we ran out of time. As well we were only able to get 270 of the 400 breadsticks. This is what happens when you don't give the staff what they need!

Also, they shouldn't have sent out the Gala invites until the construction was actually finished. Then we could have pushed back the gala date and actually been ready for the event.

In commiseration with car problems... My brake failure light came on, scheduled appt for place in the next city over, expecting a 3hr, $200 brake job and some mall time (place is next to the mall). Looong story short, I get my car back tomorrow (I was originally told Tuesday, so that's nice), and it's gonna cost $1k. (In sum for car types: caliper leaking brake fluid, BAD TIMES Y'SEE)

And the service guy was super friendly and patient and managed to rush parts in, but I was little like "uh" when he offered to give me a ride home. And then he said "I hate to see a pretty girl cry" and everything in my head went off with red alert and flashing red lights and the sound the enterprise bridge makes. I installed Lyft then and there and said "Oh I made some calls" and "found" a ride.

Commiseration shortbreads for all. I wish good news for us all.

This sinus infection can go huff a dong.

Accepted two friend requests from people from work on Facebook. First message they send is asking if I want to cover/swap shifts. Fuck off.

My car broke down and it turns out I left my wallet at home so I had no money for the bus. Ended up waiting in 85 degree heat for an hour for the roadside assistance people to come, only to find out that they couldn't fix it. Eventually I had to call a friend to pick me up, and I ended up wasting four hours without even the ability to buy water.

More annoyance than anything. Wake up ridiculously early. Try to get back to sleep for the next two hours but can't, because my brain kept thinking of my friend, whom I miss alot. Coupled with my fractured to and pulled muscle in my back. Sleep was not what I had.

Similar. My one day off is Sunday; we'd planned to go out to a new restaurant for lunch today, and so I took efforts to make the waiting go easier - I stayed up later than normal with the hope that I'd thus sleep in late (because I could, not having to worry about work an' all) and then have less time in the morning sitting around, champing at the bit while waiting to go out for lunch.

...I woke up at 5am, when I normally get up between six and seven when I'm working.



So I dozed in bed as long as I could, before finally my bladder had had enough and insisted I go to the bathroom.

After taking care of my morning ablutions, it was only eight-thirty.

Still around four hours of fiddling around with stuff while my impatience is insisting on focusing my attention on anticipating the 'new adventure'. (Having an inner voice incessantly asking things like "What's the service going to be like?" "Are there going to be any dishes on the menu that I'll know I'll enjoy?" "Anything new that I might want to try?" "How did they re-decorate the place?"¹ and whatnot means you can't really concentrate on anything.) Thus my morning was wasted with mindless shallow stuff like Solitaire and Minesweeper - never made any progress on the games I'm playing through, or reading webcomic archives, or watching video series, etc.


And when we set off, we got there and found that the place is only open in the evenings on Saturday & Sunday.

Nothing on their flyers or take-out menus informed us of this, only the "HOURS" sign past the door (which you wouldn't see unless you walked past the restaurant to the end of the building) - the menu noted "Lunch buffet 12:00-2:00" and "Supper buffet 4:30-8:30", and we'd popped in to get said menu from the maitre-d's podium on a Saturday afternoon so that meant they were open on weekends, so we came to the (erroneous) conclusion that they were open for weekend lunch buffets.

As hungry as we were, we decided to settle for nearby fast-food and now hope our 'evening out' curse² wouldn't strike us when we try this again this coming Sunday evening...



Footnotes:
1. the restaurant is situated in a regular spot that's had a handful of restaurants in it for...decades; good location that gives a decent customer base - usually one restaurant closes down because the owner wants to retire or passes away, etc. rather than failing.

2. It seems whenever we go out for supper, things go wrong - they don't have the menu items we planned on or the food order gets screwed up, or the booth seat is soaking wet, or it's crowded and we end up crammed in near the noisy bar three hours after our reservation was due; it's never a great experience - at best an okay one. Not so when we go out for brunch or lunch - food seems better, the service is fantastic, it's less busy with other customers, etc.

Found out a down-side to Pokewalks...

YOU TICKS!

I don't like this feeling after I decline covering a shift from work. I've been given my rota for the coming week and I decide my activities on the day off (I have more in my life than working).

Then when I get asked about doing an unexpected additional shift, I say I cannot since I have already committed that time elsewhere. Yet I feel bad for it, even though, I am sticking to my contract and rota.

Yes, more money is good, but so is more time.

Someone I met recently tried to warn me about content of a video. Which I appreciate, he tried, but he tried in the most "I'm only doing this because people say I have to and not because I actually care about someone being affected by the content of this" kind of way. To quote: "oh, and the middle gets kind of rapey"

Like, thanks, but no thanks. I did correct him on acceptable and sensitive warning language ("sexual violence" or "contains depictions of/references to", etc.) and he seemed receptive, but I'm really put off now. He seemed like a cool guy and I was enjoying his friendship, but I'm 100% done with boys. Men only in my life, please.

Okay, I already discussed this in the relationship thread, but today I need to put things here.

I am angry that my so called friend and crush of 10 years kept the fact that she had a boyfriend for a year and a half from me. I've had bad experiences in the past of people going behind my back, or keeping big secrets from me. It is the one thing that I cannot look over with any ease. It also tells me that while I tried to be honest with her, she did not see to return that courtesy.

So I've been dealing with that for the last couple of days.

What I DO NOT need, is my stupid cousin who relies on people for everything and thinks their required to do so, mooching off of my mother and then disregarding her wish not to smoke pot near the house, meaning my room now reeks of that rot. My room, where I go to get away from shit and think, my one sanctuary on this earth, and the frakker made it uninhabitle for several hours, at a time when I need it the most. He's supposed to be looking for a place of his own, but I KNOW big hearted mother will buy his BS sob story six months from now and let him back.

I don't need this shit. I have too many other freaking problems to contend with. AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Oh, and I also can't withdraw into day-dreams about my friend, to help me calm down and look past that moment, because that's a space also made inhospitible.