The bad Jokes thread.

[Dutch guy]

Because every once in a while you might just have a bad joke to share or get rid off

So:
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad parachutist?
spoilered:One goes THWACK... DARN. The other goes DARN... TWACK

[Kirkygirl]

Why are lilies and amaryllises great flowers to look to if you have questions?

Spoilered:

Because they have great anthers. *rimshot*

-Kirkygirl

[Valkyrie-Lemons]

I can think of a really bad joke.
The EU.

Haw haw haw...

Sorry, that's harsh and it's not that bad.

So here's a proper one.

Why does a good golfer always need new trousers?
[Because they always get holes in one.]

[Drdiggit42]

Courtesy of Dusty and Lefty

[Ptangmatik]

Q: How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A: A buck-an-ear!

A Pirate walks into a bar with the ship's wheel down the front of his trousers,

The Bartender says "What's with the wheel?"

The Pirate replies "Arrr! It's driving me nuts!"

[LogicSword]

I can up with a programming joke, but it didn't work. Turned out I'd forgotten a semi-colon.

Had to attach two pieces of wood together. Nailed it.

Apparently even when you're weightless in space, you still have mass, which is good news for Catholic astronauts.

My all time favourite joke though is one of Tim Vine's:

My best friend always wanted to get run over by a train. When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.

[Master Gunner]

I know a good UDP joke, but I don't know if you'll get it.

[leapy]

What have a laser beam and a goldfish got in common?

A:Neither of them can whistle.

And if anybody can name the novel that once came from then I shall give you 1000 awesome points [no cash value].

[TheGhostOfZero]

I have a friend who's addicted to brake fluid, he says he can stop any time.

[Drdiggit42]

That reminds me of some of my Favorites from Steven Wright.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. Suppose you are in a space bus traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights--what happens?" He said, "How should I know?!" I said, "Forget it, I don't want to work for you."

The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica... When my roommate came home I said, "Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and replaced it with an exact replica." He looked at me and said, "Do I know you?"

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.

"Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories."

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

[Kapol]

I know a good UDP joke, but I don't know if you'll get it.

...For a minute there, I thought you were serious. But then I realized what you'd said. You've hurt my brain.

[Ptangmatik]

I recently watched a documentary on how to build a battleship,

It was riveting.

[JackSlack]

I always liked a Bill Bailey joke.

Three women walk into a bar. The first says, "Congratulations, ladies, we've broken into a male dominated joke." The second says, "Yes, and we're all blonde and have shapely breasts!" The third replies, "Yes ladies, but don't get too proud. It's still a man telling it."

[WAYF]

One of my favourite one-liners of all time comes from the first season of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer.

Giles: I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before.

Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat!

[Lord Hosk]

Why do Doctors make the best Jedi?

Because a Jedi must have patients.



++++++++++++++++
Knock Knock

Who's there?

BOO!

Boo who?

dont cry its only a bad joke thread.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When I hang out and talk to people for a long time they tell me to go fly a kite! So I do because its lots of fun!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two men walked into a bar,

and said OW!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?

Art

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?

Phil

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean

Bob

What do you call dog with no legs?

Doesnt matter hes not coming anyways.

[empath]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who claims you owe him money?

Bill.


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the bushes?

Russell.



More Stephen Wright:

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.


I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'


There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.


I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.


If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.


I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!


I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.




...and some similar ones from the late, great Mitch Hedberg:

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got tired of not giving a damn.


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.


I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.


A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.


I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.


My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?


I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.


I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'


I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

Knock knock?

Who's there?

Twitter

Twitter Who?

--

What do you get if you mix a sheep and a kangaroo?

Mystery meat stew

What do you get if you mix a Horse with a Cow?

TESCO Beefburgers

[Lord Hosk]

Im gonna need some help with this one.


Knock knock!

[Master Gunner]

Who's there?

[Lord Hosk]

Banana

[Myrph]

Banana Who?

Also, two elephants are having a tea party on the coast, when erosion suddenly causes the cliff they're on to collapse.
Ba-dum-tish.

[Lord Hosk]

Banana Who?

knock knock

[Geoff_B]

Who's there?

[Lord Hosk]

Banana

[empath]

Banana who?



Waitin' for it...