loadingreadyrun.com

It's that time of year again. The snow is finally staying on the ground, the days are as short as can be & the scent of cinnamon & gingerbread randomly hits you like a shoe upside the head as you go about your last-minute errands. As is tradition, I consult my secret tattooed password & log into my account at [email protected] to answer a few letters. It's time for another installment of:

EVIL JIM INTERCEPTS CHILDREN'S LETTERS INTENDED FOR SANTA (found online)



"Dear Santa,

I hope you have a safe trip. I will leave cookies and milk on Christmas. I hope you have a great year. I would like a lot of presents for Christmas. I would like legos, toy truck, and a toy car. Have a nice Christmas.

Sincerely,
Tyren"

~I'm afraid I'm running short on time, Tyren, what with the 25th almost here & all. How about I drop off a garbage bag full of LEGO & you can build the rest of your own toys? Great! Thanks.~



"Dear Santa,

How are you and Mrs. Claus doing? How are the reindeer doing? Do they have enough energy to guide your sleigh on Christmas Eve? I appreciate everything you do for me. I hope you and the elves aren't having trouble making toys. Santa, can you make me a remote control car? If you do, thanks!

Sincerely,
Ryan"

~Dear Ryan,
Fine, fine, yes, no prob, nope. No, but I'll have China FedEx you one.~



"Dear Santa,

I want a doll. I want a teddy bear. I want a baseball for Christmas, Santa. Santa, you are the best! Santa, you is so nice to kids.

Sincerely,
Rose"

~Yes, Rose, I do be is so nice to kids.~



"Dear Santa,

I will leave you cookies and milk on December 24th. Can I have an x-box one and a tablet? Please! Are you feeling good? I'm feeling good today, too. I'm giving you a gift because the stuff you do for me. I've been good. You can even ask your elves, too. Your wonderful, Santa! love your reindeers.

Sincerely,
Kyitreon

~Woah, woah, Kyitreon, settle down there, son. Sounds like you've already been hitting those cookies a little too hard. Or did Santa accidentally drop something he shouldn't have the last time he was there?~



"Dear Santa,

How are you? Is the North Pole a mess or are there no problems at the North Pole? I hope Mrs. Claus is baking cookies this year again. I hope Mrs. Claus and the elves are helping you get ready for Christmas Eve. I hope the elves are being good to you as they are getting the toys done early. I hope that you are checking the naughty and nice list. Can I please have a doll and a playhouse.

Sincerely,
Kayleigh"

~Kayleigh,
The North Pole is fine. Everything is fine here. Nothing is wrong. There is no need to worry about Santa or Mrs. Claus up at the North Pole & all the elves are present & accounted for. We're all fine. How are you?~



"Dear Santa,

I hope you're having a great day Is Rudolph Ok? I just want to know. When you come by I'll leave cookies and milk. I would love if you gave me an x-box 360. I would love to meet one of your elves. I like you, too. I love your reindeer.

Sincerely,
Noah"

~Rudolph is fine. Why do you ask, Noah? What makes you think anything happened to Rudolph? Did someone say something? Because you shouldn't spread rumours like that to your little friends. Good ol' Rudolph is as fine & as good as ever. Oh, & sure you can have an X-Box 360. How many games would you like with it? Just remember, Santa's your pal.You know how to stay on the "nice" list, right?~



"Dear Santa,

HI! How are you doing today? How are your reindeer? Are you feeling good? I am leaving you a gift for all you have done for me. You don't have to thank me. I love you!

Caitlyn"

~Caitlyn,
THE REINDEER ARE FINE! Er, I mean, yes, I'm feeling good. Thank you for asking. You're so sweet. I love you too.

Have an X-Box.~



"Dear Santa,

Santa, you did good last Christmas. I will leave you cookies, too. Can I have an x-box one and an i pod speaker, please? I even been good. Even the elf will tell you that.

Sincerely,
Mason"

~Ok Mason, looking at the catalog here I see about eleventy-hundred iPod speakers available in every conceivable color & price range. You'll have to be a little more specific. Help me out here, ok? Santa's a busy guy. And what makes you kids so sure that my elves can affirm how good you are? You should be happy indentured servants aren't allowed to access to such sensitive personal data.~



"Dear Santa,

Thank you for delivering presents. I hope the reindeer are ok. Can I have one thing this year? I want a remote control helicopter. I will leave you cookies and milk for you. Have a great trip!!

Sincerely,
Dawson"

~You're in luck, Dawson! The NSA are on Santa's "naughty" list this year so all the ominous black helicopters they wanted are still sitting around in storage. Just draw a big circled "H" in the snow in your yard & we'll do our best to drop one there. (Note: some settling may occur.)~



"Dear Santa,

Thank you for bringing me toys for Christmas, but I just want to tell you something. I've been a little bad and I just want to say, "Sorry." I want a computer and nothing else. I will try to be good and be nice to others.

Sincerely,
Maizia"

~I know sarcasm quotes when I see them, Maizia. Regardless, the "naughty" list is the "naughty" list & if I don't uphold the rules, clearly no one else will. Normally you'd get coal, but since it's become so valuable these days, enjoy your stocking full of pine cones.~



"Dear Santa,

I've been a little bad this year. But can I still get toys? I will always leave you cookies and milk for you. I love my little brother. He just took his first steps. I'm trying to be good. Can I get an X-box 360 game and new shoes? I hope the elves are good.

Sincerely,
Tristen"

~Tristen,
Yadda, yadda yadda, pine cones.~

So good.

Man, my intercept at the North Pole fax number has not yielded nearly so many results

I found a quote for my tombstone.

~Yes, Rose, I do be is so nice to kids.~

Which is excellent timing, because that line killed me.

Like like like like LIKE.

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo?

Please tell me you don't actually send those replies to the kids. Though if you do, it does have a dark kind of humor in it. Great, now I'm on the naughty list.

No, Red, I don't actually respond to the letters directly. No personally identifying information, including email addresses, ever accompany the letters I find online. I just answer them for entertainment.

Oh, Jim. *hugs* Thanks for the post-holiday laughs.

BTW, explanation of the "elves can verify" theme: The last couple years this trend of Elf on the Shelf has been going around, convincing kids that a sub-set of the elves spy on the little girls and boys to keep Santa apprised of who is good and bad.

Oh! I didn't know that. It did seem a little odd to have a number of them mention that, even in the letters I didn't answer. Thanks!

Dear Santa,

I thought I should report to you since your so nice to us kids and all, you've got an impostor! He's an Evil man named Jim and don't let his hilariousness fool you. He should get on the xxx naughty list cause he's been just that naughty!

Sincerely,
LuckieDuckie
the family's pet duck
PS I'm typing with my beak at 35wpm which may be a useful skill in a workshop like yours. If there are any openings in the future I'd like to apply.