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Bit of a twist on the format. Since you smug pricks (heart you guys so much) jumped on me for accidentally quoting Shakespeare's last words for Richard III, I'm going to head you off at the pass and do it myself with Julius Caesar.

I know he was not, strictly speaking, and emperor, but whatever. And shut up.

Anyway, Shakespeare writes that Julius said "Et tu, Brute?" Just before Brutus stabbed him to death. However, the Roman historian Suetonius states that Caesar didn't really say anything as he was being murdered, save a few gurgling noises.

I, for one, choose to believe that he said "Stop stabbing me, you assholes." See, it's funny because they stabbed him a lot more than was strictly necessary. A lot more.

empath, I picture you with a utility belt stuffed to the gills with gifs and memes for every occasion.

Oh yessss.... (don't forget smilies ).

And if that doesn't have it, there's always my wife's tumblr blog that SHE has for all her gifs and memes.

My very first attempt at a novel was an attempt to fictionalize the conspiracy surrounding the assassination of Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, better known as Caligula.

The historian Tacitus reports that Caligula shouted "I live! I live!" while being brutally murdered by his own bodyguards.

Ah Caligula; the only world leader in recorded history to have sex with a horse and have it raised to major public office.

Kinda says it all, really.

Blargh. Busy week. Also I think I'm running out of Roman emperors. We'll expand to Byzantine emperors, since during their time they were Romans. The term "Byzantine" is a historian's label in hindsight.

Phocas was Byzantine emperor from 602-610 AD, until he was defeated by Heraclius in a civil war. Abandoned by his supporters, Phocas was captured and brought before the new emperor when his armies arrived in Constantinople. Heraclius asked him, "Is this how you have ruled, wretch?" To which Phocas replied, "And will you rule better?"

Enraged, Heraclius beheaded him on the spot. God, I love history.

Constantine XI Palaiologos, the last Byzantine emperor before the fall of Constantinople to the Turks in 1453, said "The city is fallen, and I am still alive," before charging into battle.

But now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople. Been a long time gone, Constantinople. So if you've a date in Constantinople, she'll be waiting in Istanbul. Why they changed it, I can't say. Maybe they just liked it better that way.

Er, sorry. I'll stop now.

We conclude Ides of March week with Cicero, prominent Roman statesman and orator. He spoke to his assassin Herennius, a centurion sent to kill Cicero by Marc Antony.

"There is nothing proper about what you are doing, soldier, but do try to kill me properly."

Damnable spotty Roman history.

Greek philospher (because I'm feeling Hellenistic this week) Socrates said, "Crito, we ought to offer a cock to Asclepius. See to it, and don't forget."

Asclepius was the Greek god of healing. He had a shrine on the side of the Acropolis. Socrates had been sick for a long time, and it's thought by many that he wanted to thank the god for the service of finally putting him out of his misery.

Now if only he'd put all the puffed-up philosophy professors out of our misery instead. Fuck you, Dr. Carper, and your tweed.

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:And it is for this reason that my last words will be 'And you'll never know where the treasure is buried'

My last words will be "I hid the billions in The..."

Mine will be "I hid the fortune under the big 'W'."

Prospero101 wrote:Now if only he'd put all the puffed-up philosophy professors out of our misery instead. Fuck you, Dr. Carper, and your tweed.

Old uni professor?

How ever did you guess?

Dr. Carper said, and I am not exaggerating in the slightest, that everyone's lives would be much better if we lived like the ancient Greeks. That every thinker since Socrates, Plato, and their ilk has been wrong because they weren't Socrates, Plato, and their ilk.

ANYWAY.

Karl Marx yelled, "Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!" when asked by his housekeeper if he had any last words.

Winston Churchill said, "I'm bored with it all."

Winston Churchill is renowned more for his wit than his statesmanship, perhaps a bit unfairly. My favorite story was when he got drunk at a party and was hitting on some woman. The woman says, "Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink!" Churchill replied, "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."

Some things I wrote about Winston Churchill a while ago. The man is pretty fascinating, for all the reasons that nobody talks about.

Plus, surprisingly racist.

Winston Churchill's wit and statesmanship are arguably both linked. He had a speech impediment (often said to be a stutter, but the majority of primary records indicate it was a lisp) that he overcame to become a great orator. As pretty much anyone with a speech impediment can tell you, it's a lot easier to overcome it when you've prepared ahead, but can strike back hard if you're caught off-guard or by an unexpected question. So Churchill made sure he would never be caught off-guard. Every public statement he made was prepared ahead of time, included responses to any questions he might be asked in regards to any topic or issue at hand.

In this manner, Churchill would inevitably become extremely familiar with the issues he would speak about, which certainly didn't hurt his statesmanship. It pays to actually know what you're talking about, a lesson many modern political figures seem in no hurry to learn.

Although, as Ix has made many examples of in Churchill's career, just because you're familiar with an issue doesn't mean you make the right call on it.

Dominic Willard, a small-time gangster in the Prohibition era, said "Why, yes. A bulletproof vest." Just before his death by firing squad, he was asked if he had any last requests.

Truth be told, at the range that most firing squads operated, a bulletproof vest probably wouldn't have done him much good. Also, usually if they don't kill you with their barrage they walk right up to you and shoot you in the head, so...yeah.

I actually knew that one; got a book that includes (among other things) a list of 'Witticisms of Men On Death Row'. Sir Walter Raleigh's is a personal favourite.

In keeping with that theme (I'm not really prepared to call it a theme week yet, since I don't know how many I can dig up):

Convicted murderer James French, just before being executed by the electric chair, shouted to the gathered reporters: "Hey, fellas! How's this for tomorrow's headline? 'French Fries!'"

If you can't go out with a bang, go out with a groan.

Another one from that book . Heard the one about the baked apple?

I have not. Regale me, Ix.

Chap named George Appel who was being strapped into the electric chair in 1928 when he told the assembled journalists 'Well folks, you're about to see a Baked Appel'.

I refer to the previous statement about bangs and groans. Which suddenly sounds like a sex thing.

EDIT: Damn, I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed this list

Prospero101 wrote:In keeping with that theme (I'm not really prepared to call it a theme week yet, since I don't know how many I can dig up):

<theme happens to be 'Last Words of Death Row Inmates'>

...and you thought you'd just get away with that one? That no one would notice?

YOU SHUT YOUR FACE, EMPATH. YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.

*A gaggle of men in dark suits bundle up empath and take him away*