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Good evening, folks! Following a discussion in the Twitch chat on the subject, I have elected to create this thread here for the ongoing discussion of BDSM. Remember to keep it civil, discreet and respectful. Follow the adage "Your kink is not my kink and that's okay" when topics are discussed that you do not care for, and avoid graphic imagery and descriptions.

A word of warning: There are certain topics that cannot be tolerated in public discussion, as companies that handle financial transactions have been known to refuse to do business with websites that allow those topics, even if discussed in an objective way. While I doubt that mentioning this will technically be necessary, given the community, I would rather cover all the bases to avoid repercussions. If the situation requires, topics can easily be added to the following list:



If you're curious and want to ask a question, don't hold back! Consent is a huge point in BDSM culture, which means we won't bite unless you ask us to (and even then, we reserve the right to decline). ... *cough* Terrible jokes on common phrases aside, I personally would like this thread to be informative, as well as a safe place to talk with like-minded individuals. If the conversation in the Twitch chat is any indication, I'm not at all alone in that feeling.

With that said, I would like to start off by saying that I'm really looking forward to going to my first munch tomorrow night. I've been interested and have been hanging out on the fringes of the scene for years, engaging in play with my romantic partners exclusively and not really having extensive discussions with anyone else, so this will be a very new experience for me. It might also mean that I get to meet in person some people I have only ever known online.

I don't know that we necessarily need a separate topic for this from the Sex Thread. While I'll fully recognize that not all BDSM is sex-related, I feel like there's enough overlap that it could easily go there, and there was quite a thriving discussion of BDSM at several points in the first Sex Thread.

I understand where you're coming from, and I personally disagree. I feel that the areas that don't overlap are reason enough for a separate thread. Discussion of Dominant/submissive relationship dynamics, as one example, or the satisfaction of kinks without a sexual component. I can't think of a better place for someone to ask about the difference between a submissive and a slave, as another example, unless they already have some knowledge of the community - and that's knowledge that we can help them find, without derailing or distracting from other conversations that are ongoing.

And, of course, there's a great deal of possibility of discussions of BDSM without sex. The lifestyle among many other things can be discussed without actually talking about sex. So this could be a lot more about relationship dynamics than about sexual practices.

I'm going to agree with Anaerin here. I personally don't enjoy talking about BDSM with the sex aspect talked about. That's for the bedroom side of things. I'm far more interested in the psychological aspects of it. So in my eyes the sex thread is a wonderful thing and I encourage the discussion to grow there, but it is not where I will come visit for my dose of BDSM conversation.

I'm fine with a separate thread. That also means keeping BDSM out of the sex thread for those who get weirded out by that. I don't think it has happened on this forum, but I've been to other forums where the sex threads had to close because too many people were freaked out by the mention of BDSM and stopped thinking of the sex thread as a safe place to talk.

Avistew wrote:That also means keeping BDSM out of the sex thread for those who get weirded out by that.

You're probably refering to me.
ARGH I'M WEIRDING OUT!

I wouldn't count on that. I know for a lot of people, they're curious, but the thought of whips and chains and the like squick them out. So, for here at least (perhaps we can have an x-rated thread for tips and techniques?) let's keep it entirely out of the bedroom. Which is quite possible, as a LOT of BDSM is out of the bedroom anyway.

So, I guess, let me start with myself. I'm male, straight, and Dom to My wife. I'm not a strict rules lawyer, heck most of the time I'm not making decisions at all, but that's generally because I don't want to. I find I need to be able to control My surroundings, starting with Myself, and spreading out into everything else, but just because I am able to change/control something, doesn't mean I have to. I never drink to excess, to the point of losing control. I always try to keep Myself and My possessions safe, to understand all I can about them. Though sometimes it seems My wife enjoys defying understanding.

I don't enjoy inflicting pain, but I do love inflicting pleasure, and more even than that, I love knowing that My actions have lead directly to My partner's enjoyment. There's nothing that brings Me more satisfaction than than having a partner that is out of their mind in ecstasy that I have caused. A great deal of My enjoyment, at least, is mental. Generally speaking, porn just doesn't do it for Me, it's impersonal and entirely mindless. Stories are great, though - you can really get inside characters that way, and it allows My imagination to run wild.

While My wife and I are submissive and Dominant respectively, if you ever met us and didn't know, you would probably think our relationship the other way around. In public especially, I tend to remain very aloof and reserved, while My wife is very take-charge. She's the manager of her store (retail sucks), and in a position of authority. But she does so well as manager because she is catering to the needs of her employer, treating the company as-a-whole as a kind of ersatz Master, and doing her best to obey the needs of the company. When we are out in public, she appears to be the decision maker, but generally speaking she is looking to Me, even with just a glance to confirm what she knows of Me, to guide and make those decisions. She knows Me well enough to know what I want, and does her best to give that to Me.

I'm not sure where to go beyond this. So I think that'll do as a start. I'm sure others can chime in, because I'm certain My experiences aren't unique, and I'm sure there are others who do/like/want things differently than I do. I'm also sure there are submissives here who could explain their side much better than I ever could. I don't mean to speak for everyone, just for Myself. And if anyone has any questions or comments, I'll be glad to answer them as best I can.

I assume this topic came up from the romancing of Iron Bull? (it is in the twitch highlights). I liked how the inquisitor rubs his bottom after IronBull spanks him, it amuses me.

BlueChloroplast wrote:I assume this topic came up from the romancing of Iron Bull? (it is in the twitch highlights). I liked how the inquisitor rubs his bottom after IronBull spanks him, it amuses me.

It actually seems to come up fairly regularly, even before the Iron Bull romance. It seems to Me (and many others) that nerdy or geeky people tend to be a lot more open and interested in alternative lifestyles and sexualities, probably because their choice of social interest is also typically labelled as "alternative".

In other words, the intersection of "Geeky" and "Kinky" is often greater than the contents of both groups individually.

There's certainly quite an overlap. A fair number of the kinky people I know are quite geeky, and I know at least 3 other Runners (none of whom have weighed in yet) who are kinky. I wonder if there is a gender thing happening as well. A lot of the geeky inclined girls I knew in high school leaned rather goth, which has a more direct connection to the kink side of things, at least aesthetically.

On Twitter there is also seems to be a disproportionate overlap in the areas of InfoSec (information security) and Furries (of which I am neither, but friends with people from both).

I've always thought it's that once a person has already broken from social norms in one way (stereotypical geek outcast, gay, goth, etc), they're more likely, or at least more willing, to look at other things outside the social norms, as well as be more willing to talk about them.

Another thing to take into consideration is the advent of the internet. InfoSec professionals, goths, and "modern" geeks tend towards being younger, and are potentially more influenced by the internet and the wealth of information it contains. Not to mention the veneer of anonymity makes conversation about such things more open, which then leaks into people's offline behaviour.

This may seem silly, but an overlap between InfoSec and Furries makes me think of the series Sanctuary, in which all "Hyper-Accelerated Proteans" (functionally werewolves) had an innate talent with technological devices. I'm sure it's just a coincidence, but it's one of those moments that could easily induce a conspiracy theory, at least in my head.

The munch I went to went well! The night was fun, both during and afterwards. What followed last night... well, that was harder to deal with. I knew from the moment I met the young lady I'm seeing that she had the potential to steal my heart and destroy it, so I've been paranoid about that all along, and I believe that plays into how difficult it was to accept her having a play night with another man, one who is significantly more experienced and knowledgeable and who has a much wider array of toy sand implements at his disposal. It was planned well in advance, and I had plenty of warning, but it's the first time I've ever been in an open relationship, the first time I've had a partner play with someone else, and we've only been involved for about two weeks.

We've talked about it, and there were calls to check in on the night. I also had a lengthy conversation with a friend who is experienced in poly while the play date was going on. I feel like I'm doing okay with it, but it's still something I need to talk about. The whole relationship is, actually, since it's outside my wheelhouse in so many regards. Does anyone reading the thread here have any experience in open or poly relationships?

Light the Avistew-beacon...

Someone called?

We need an expert on poly amorous relationships, someone who knows the perfect answer to every possibly situation and complication that might arise from them.

Failing that, you'll do.

Well I'm here and I'm listening. Willing to answer questions too but I get the feeling you mostly want to get it off your chest, Atifexe, so go right ahead.

korvys wrote:We need an expert on poly amorous relationships, someone who knows the perfect answer to every possibly situation and complication that might arise from them.

Failing that, you'll do.

I assume you're referring to somebody else, but I can lend a hand in this area too!

It was more of a general query than a request for help from any one specific person, and I appreciate that folks were so quick to call in experts. =P

As I say, this relationship is rather outside my comfort zone. That's a good thing as much as it is a challenging thing, I think; I've been stagnant for a very long time and I've been drawing inspiration from this to try to push forward in a lot of areas.

Basically, what I'm dealing with in this situation is the bog standard "what if he's better" or "what if he gives her something I can't" issues. To a certain degree that latter one feels silly, since that's kind of the point and it doesn't detract from what I have to offer, and coming from years of monogamous relationships the idea of someone else offering something I can't being a relationship-ender is persistent. The "what if he's better" is a reflection of personal insecurity, I think. I'm lead to believe that it's pretty normal for that thought to occur now and then in poly relationships, particularly when starting out, and while it never permanently goes away it does get better with time. Is that in keeping with others' experiences?

I have very little to contribute to this thread, but...

There's a webcomic (soon to be regular printed comic, too!) called Sunstone about two women starting a dom/sub relationship.

I fucking LOVE it.

NSFW:
http://shiniez.deviantart.com/

I love Sunstone. It's one of the few webcomics I actually read.

Maybe I should also point out... I'm not really into most BSDM or dom/sub style porn or erotica. It has to be JUUUUST right or else it takes me out of it. Mostly, the dom has to not swear in every sentence. That's the stupidest way to express dominance, by expressing ignorance.

I don't want to be TOO specific about porn, but... I remember seeing one video where a notable adult model was asked what was her favorite part of this particular session of BDSM, and she said, trying to play it off: "when it was over!"

Yeah, that ruined that one for me. Weirdly, she looked like she was actually only slightly uncomfortable, trying to hide it, which was at least more authentic than to subs who look unhappy in every moment of it. I mean, in theory, if you didn't like it, you wouldn't be a sub. But then again, it is porn...

Oh, we're doing links to related things?

This was really interesting: http://philome.la/pixiemania/reprogram/play
It's a... game? I'm not sure. It's an interactive thing built in Twine, but I'm not sure if there are any choices, or if you just progress through. Anyway, it's fascinating.

And yes, Sunstone is fantastic. Written/drawn by Stjepan Šejić, who drew Witchblade for a while.

I've read sunstone before, and it's fantastic.

And having just gone through reProgram, I think it's very revealing, and very beautiful, and I like it very much.

I am curious about relationship dynamics. There is obviously some dominance going on in most relationships or the question "Who wears the pants?" wouldn't be a thing (I dislike the sexist implications of the phrase, but I have only heard it used in an obvious joking tone). However I would expect that one must enjoy dominance play to be considered a dom/sub/switch. I know a switch is one who enjoys both roles. Is it required that the roles are maintained outside of the bedroom? Is there a baseline to identify your self in a role?