The Long Distance Loving Thread

[Fenrir]

Does exactly what it says on the tin!

Now, I'm not sure if people would consider this part of the "Big Relationship Thread" or not but I wanted to put this out there to see who else - like me - is currently in a long distance relationship. Alternatively, this is also open to anyone who has been and is now with their partner.

Doesn't matter if you're straight, gay, lesbian ... whatever! Just come in, find support and share your stories.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

I have a long distance close friendship which I struggle with at times.
However, I find comfort in the instant messaging that can be exchanged every so often.
I can only begin to imagine what it's like being in a long distance romantic relationship.

What I struggle with is that when I have a bad day, my first reaction (besides praying) is want to speak to him about it. Which is challenging with the long distance thing and him being busy due to being Spanish.

I'm getting better at enjoying the time I do get to spend with them, instead of seeing the shadow of being parted looming over. I am able to hold off the feeling of poop until I have to actually say "see you soon!".

[Fenrir]

It can be difficult, that's for sure. You certainly both need to be on the same page about a lot of things. It puts you in a position though where you NEED to communicate and I think sometimes that's what people find difficult.

Since coming back from visiting my boyfriend in Texas I've acquired an iPhone (like...literally within twenty-four hours of being back in the UK) and that's helped SO much. Especially given he has one himself. Being able to message him for free like that has been great though.

You're right though, the struggle sometimes is wanting to be there with them or talk with them about things and knowing you can't be for whatever reason. Work has been super stressful for me since getting home and though I've spoken about it with him at length, what I've really wanted is to just BE there talking with him face to face, you know? Having the intimacy that kind of interaction can bring.

I think probably the weirdest thing for me was waking up alone for the first week. You get so used to someone else being there that once they're absent ... you really notice it. It's kinda jarring, honestly.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

I used to communicate with my friend with e-mail. I'd get a reply every 3 weeks, because I'd write long emails and he is not first language English. He's forth language English and finds it challenging comprehending. He then would try to word a reply in English. By being Spanish he is always busy (seems to be a Spanish thing, business).

So, since buying a Android phone, I've been using Whatsapp, and it's amazing. I get a reply within a week, sometimes within hours, which is lovely. Also, it forces me to be more concise with what I say. I bog him down less with English. It lets me practice typing in Spanish too. It's awesome.

I have always found when I spent sometime sleeping in the same room as someone, you feel VERY lonely sleeping alone again afterwards. Some people it's a blessing to not have to sleep in the same room as some people due to snoring/talking in their sleep.
I can't speak about sharing a bed with someone as I have never done that since becoming a young person.

Like you Fenrir, my favorite times I have spent with my friend was when I was helping him cook, helping doing the washing up, helping doing the garbage and appreciating an immense sunset. Domestic things are wonderful.

[Jamfalcon]

My situation isn't as tough as either of yours, but I'm in what I guess I'd call a medium distance relationship. My girlfriend lives in the states, about a four hour drive away when traffic and border lines cooperate. It's close enough that we generally aim for about one week together, three apart, then repeat. But even knowing if our schedules allowed it we could just get in a car and drive to the other helps makes it harder in some ways, because we have to talk ourselves out if it and be responsible adults, stay with our responsibilities or make the smarter financial option. But it does also help, I'm sure, knowing that if something really bad happened we'd have each other within the day.

And I agree with you both about the domestic stuff being nice. We've been together for coming up on a year and a half (this is both of our first relationship) and still, it's fun getting to go shopping and pick out a meal together, or a few months ago we spent a week completely emptying and redoing her bedroom, and it was (very exhausting) blast. And I've been there often enough, and for long enough periods that I don't feel like I'm company with her family anymore, and that makes staying with her so much easier.

The communication aspect is definitely helped by us being in the same time zone, but it is still tough on those days when one of us is really busy. We mostly send messages on Skype, and then talk for half an hour to two hours more nights than we don't. We're also able to text when one of us doesn't have internet access, but my cheap plan means international texts add up in cost really quickly.

For us, I think the hardest part is thinking about the future. We both know we want to make this last and stay together for the rest of our lives, but the issue of where to live is a tricky one, and it's hard to talk about. We're both really close to our families, and are fond of our hometowns/countries. I have confidence we'll settle one way or the other once we get to the point where that's feasible, but it does make it a little nerve-wracking to consider.

[MrPayneTrayne]

My girlfriend and I used to live together in Ontario. I was then offered a teaching job in the UK and wanting to further my career I took it. I am currently waiting to get the money to help her pay for her visa and flight over. If by some bad luck she doesn't get her visa I will just end up going home. The amount of stress and depression this job has stuck me with is unbearable without her.

I just miss lying in bed on Sundays and petting her hip, or sitting next to each other and browsing Reddit or playing games. Knowing I can't reach out and just touch her makes me quite sad.

[Darkflame]

My partner and I first met on a forum, and we had a long distance relationship for a long time. (UK<>Netherlands so long distance, but still quite small compared to some relationships).
Contrary to what some media tells you (looking at you Modern Family for the most recent bollocks), its very much possible thanks to the amazing communication tech we have these days. Sure, theres nothing like being with someone in person - but you can still do stuff together thanks to the internet.
We used to watch our favorite tv shows together - synchronizing hitting play on the video over Skype.
Theres even a website out there specifically for that now, but I forget its name.

But anyway,after many years of that I moved - we have been living together in the same house for almost a decade now. Dont let anyone tell you long distance is impossible, regardless of how hard it may seem.

[Fenrir]

Merry: That's great about being able to talk to your friend like that. As I believe I said earlier, with both my partner and I having iPhones now, getting to use iMessage has been SUCH a great help. Heck, I even talk to his mom and sister on occasion. It's nice to know you can just drop them a message on a whim, eh?

Yeah. It's ... odd. Going back to sleeping alone entirely. I mean, we didn't sleep together constantly. The first week and a half I was there I slept in the guest room. I only really slept in his room with any real consistently in the last week. That was mostly just to allow him to sleep properly when he had college etc.

Right? It's, again, kind of odd but the domestic stuff was what really stuck out to me. Even cleaning up the kitchen before we went to bed was kinda fun...

Jam: I'm sure you and your girlfriend will work things out in terms of the move. In my case, I'm in the early stages of looking into immigration options because honestly, I'm not really attached to living in the UK. I like my friends well enough but other than that there's nothing really keeping me here. My relationship with my nuclear family (or extended, at least in the UK) isn't brilliant and I can do retail work anywhere, so.

I think the distance is the real kicker for me. Especially right now what with only having been back over a month. I keep having to remind myself that my boyfriend does live several thousand miles away. We're working around it though. It's just ... an adjustment. Especially after having enjoyed three weeks together.

That's the big thing though - communication. Making time for one another. Making each other (and yourselves) a priority. Heh. That's good about the texting. It's, again, like with my using my iPhone. Because I went with an unlimited data plan I can use iMessage all the live long day and not have to worry about costs.

I can understand why thinking about the future is hard for you guys though. Speaking personally, a lot of things are up in the air right now with my partner and I. He recently had his grandma (who doesn't know he's gay) move in with him and his parents, he's in the process of finishing up his phlebotomy course with the aim of looking into work right away, and his brother comes out of the Marines in February. So there's not really much we can do in the way of planning ANYTHING right now.

MPT: I'm sorry to hear you're having such a shitty time of things in the UK without your girlfriend. I hope it turns around for y'all soon. I really do. Speaking personally, I've been under a shit tonne of stress from work myself and there've been more than a few days where I've wished I could just come home to my boyfriend...

It's a weird feeling, isn't it? The little things you do miss. Like...I miss getting to feel my boyfriend waking up first thing. He had the same damn routine each day - get up, check his phone, go to the bathroom, come back and set up his laptop, check college stuff. Nearly every day.

DF: Now, see, that's what annoys me - this notion that just because you're loving at a distance it won't work. That's utter bullshit. A lot of that is down to the two people in question. Yes, it takes a LOT of work but if you're both committed to making it work then it can be the best thing in the world.

I'm glad to hear things worked out with you and your partner at least!

[Darkflame]

"DF: Now, see, that's what annoys me - this notion that just because you're loving at a distance it won't work. That's utter bullshit. A lot of that is down to the two people in question. Yes, it takes a LOT of work but if you're both committed to making it work then it can be the best thing in the world."

Exactly. Its upto the individuals. Telling people its doomed from the start helps make it a self-for-filling prophecy. Its hard enough already without being told its hopeless.

[MrPayneTrayne]

Yeah, first year of teaching in a completely new system is a bit hectic. Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.

[demiteddybear]

Well my wife and I met on a writing site (so we weren't there for dating at all, so we weren't expecting anything). I was in the UK and she was in the states (well still is). So at first it was just messenger and email, then was every day for hours at a time and then that evolved into video on Skype for hours at a day as we became more serious. Then we would visit each other, that was hard; having to leave each other after our visits and then having to be apart again only being able to see each other through Skype.

Then I came over after 2 years for 3 months finally and we got married. After that it was another year of me being back in the UK while we did the visa thing and I think that was the hardest of all. We were quite lucky though, it only took a year for me to get my visa; though we were baffled when we would look at other couples who only spoke to each other like once a week, and they could cope with that. We must have filed about 3 inches thickness worth of paperwork, but then we were sent a letter asking for more evidence O_O, but then when my wife went in for the interview, the interviewer was confused as to why we were asked for more.


It took a bad turn as I had to go all the way down to London to do my interview and I lost my passport, we had no idea how long that was going to delay things but I managed to a new one rushed to me and I got a new interview really quickly, but it had been so demoralising in the meantime.

But now I've been in the US for 2 years and just on Saturday we had a vow renewal with all my family over from the UK. It was perfect. We were all blubbering.

So all my best wishes to those currently in long distance relationships. I know how hard they can be, but how worth it they are for the right person. On the other hand I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So good luck to you all.

[Fenrir]

Demi - Quick question (I'm on my way out to work so can't stop TOO long) but how did you find the immigration process? I myself am looking to hopefully immigrate to the US within the next couple of years. I'd be curious to hear more about it from someone whose been through it themselves.

[Jamfalcon]

As someone who might do that too, I would also be interested to hear more!

[Darkobra]

I'm with a girl from Denmark. I saw her for two weeks in August. That's her in the picture thread. I'm seeing her for our first year anniversary in February. We're debating who's moving where. It's seeming more likely I'm moving there.

[Fenrir]

That's great, Dark Hope everything goes all right with the move as and when it occurs.

These last few days have reminded me how much I just want to be with my boyfriend right now. Work has been absolute shit just lately and all I've wanted - especially this week with him starting at his work placement this week - is to be able to go home to him, curl up on the couch and cuddle him.

[Darkobra]

I hear that. But I just think of the one day it all comes together. It sucks NOW, but it will eventually get there. A year or two of this before the rest of our lives together? It's a pretty small scale in the long run.

[Fenrir]

It sucks NOW, but it will eventually get there. A year or two of this before the rest of our lives together? It's a pretty small scale in the long run.

[demiteddybear]

The process of immigration felt long, and often out of control; what helped us a lot was joining a forum for US immigration, it helped so much since there were others going or gone through it; since otherwise no one else can really understand the scrutiny that you go through, as well meaning as they might be we just got a lot of head nodding.

You feel like you're kind of guilty until proven innocent, but my wife and I over prepare a lot, so make sure you submit as much as varied information as you can, you won't ever get punished for having too much.

Now while I say it felt under scrutiny, that's really the beaurocratic process that feels like that, the actual people involved may be different, both our interviewers were really helpful and nice. We got the impression that they have seen a lot of couples and can see when someone is real, it's kind of like taking a test, it doesn't matter if your answer is wrong so much if you can show your working.

I have to say though, TV lied to me. You don't get questions like favourite books and such, it's more like how did you meet, and how did you decide to move to another country.

Be prepared for things to take a while though. As I said in my first post, ours took slightly less than a year and that was quick and part of that I think was because our lawyer we hired took a chance to mail off something before we really got the approval for the thing before it, it was a risk. It can take a while for things to get sorted and otherwise you have to wait a while between each step.

I hope that helps.

[Fenrir]

Huh. All right then, good to know. Thank you, Demi. Can you recommend a good US immigration forum?

[empath]

It sucks NOW, but it will eventually get there. A year or two of this before the rest of our lives together? It's a pretty small scale in the long run.

Speaking as someone who fell in love online, and fostered a long distance relationship for two years, then met and lived together for about a year, then had to separate for another year or so, but has since been with her for (does quick count) another fourteen years, as inseparable as could be...as miserable as those times apart were, they were CHEAP payment for the happiness I've had; if I could go back and do it over, I'd probably streamline a few things, but I'd gladly suffer through the separation knowing how worth it it would be.

And demi is absolutely right about 'showing your work' - document things as much as you can; take pictures (my mistake: I'm of the mind that "there's those who take pictures of the fun...and then there's those who actually participate in the fun"), present letters, chatlogs, emails, etc. Basically, give them plenty of proof that your relationship is strong and stable and isn't going to fall apart within a year.

Oh, and I imagine all you young, hip and with-it kids have already discovered this, but me being an old fart I only came across "I Hope This Gets To You" by The Daylights & Walter May, and the story behind it. To those that haven't encountered this before, here ya go: I hope this makes you feel good and helps you weather through those hard times.

[Shandi]

Oh, hey all. I haven't read all posts to-date and probably shouldn't since I'm in the middle of a take-home exam, but I want to participate in this thread! My husband and I are finally living together, having been an item roughly 11.5 years. However, we were long distance MOST of that, so yeah. Love to commiserate/contribute. If anyone has questions, I'm an open book. If anyone wants to share, I'm here.

[Fenrir]

It sucks NOW, but it will eventually get there. A year or two of this before the rest of our lives together? It's a pretty small scale in the long run.

Speaking as someone who fell in love online, and fostered a long distance relationship for two years, then met and lived together for about a year, then had to separate for another year or so, but has since been with her for (does quick count) another fourteen years, as inseparable as could be...as miserable as those times apart were, they were CHEAP payment for the happiness I've had; if I could go back and do it over, I'd probably streamline a few things, but I'd gladly suffer through the separation knowing how worth it it would be.

And demi is absolutely right about 'showing your work' - document things as much as you can; take pictures (my mistake: I'm of the mind that "there's those who take pictures of the fun...and then there's those who actually participate in the fun"), present letters, chatlogs, emails, etc. Basically, give them plenty of proof that your relationship is strong and stable and isn't going to fall apart within a year.

Oh, and I imagine all you young, hip and with-it kids have already discovered this, but me being an old fart I only came across "I Hope This Gets To You" by The Daylights & Walter May, and the story behind it. To those that haven't encountered this before, here ya go: I hope this makes you feel good and helps you weather through those hard times.

Thanks for the input as well, Empath! Yeah, I think that's what I'm trying to focus on right now myself - the time apart right now is fleeting compared to how it's going to feel being together with him. Just need to weather this and it'll be worth while in the end.

I'll also have to pass along to my boyfriend about documenting things as much as possible. Especially if we do decide to go the marriage route. Not just for the purposes of immigration but because we want it. It's something we've discussed briefly but we both basically agreed it's not anything we want to really rush into, so.

The song was really cute by the way. Thanks for sharing.

Welcome, Shandi! You're more than welcome to participate. I'd love to hear more about the story behind your relationship with your husband.

[Shandi]

We met in high school, became good friends, then became more right before he graduated a year earlier than I. He then somewhat unexpectedly went away to post-secondary. He had applied for a program starting four months down the road, but the school offered a tuition discount if he participated in an experimental new program starting right away. It's weird, because I didn't realize until much later, when a friend of mine was talking to me about her inevitable breakup because she was going away to uni, that I didn't even think about us breaking up. It never occurred to me that being apart might provoke that, even though we'd only been a couple for a short while beforehand.

Even though we'd spent quite a bit of time together in person every school day (our mutual bus dropped us off an hour early and picked us up an hour late), a lot of our friendship had developed through MSN messenger, so when he left we kept in touch that way. Practically no phone calls and very sparse visits.
It was really tough on both of us. He eventually quit his program (for various reasons) and moved back to our hometown to be with me... just in time for me to get into UVic. So then I went away and he stayed behind for a management job, though by then we'd been together three years and he proposed before I left. More suckiness. He bought a car and a place, then the market in our area tanked and he couldn't sell the home. By the time we'd been engaged for a couple years we decided maybe if we got married life couldn't keep us apart anymore. So I took a year off school for our wedding with the plan that he'd move back to Victoria with me after. But the place still wouldn't sell and I was working two dead-end jobs while he cycled EI and similar, so enough was enough of that and I decided to go back, finish my degree with an eye to be career-ready by the end of it and dig us out of mortgage-crash debt. However, that led to me having great career prospects in Victoria just in time for him to give up and join the freaking Army, haha.

A little over a year ago I made the tough choice of leaving a city and promising career network I loved to be with the person I love instead. Now I'm in law school, and he's just decided not to sign a new contract with the Army when his runs up a year from now. So, I may end up going back to B.C. without him once or twice more, but hopefully in the long run we both end up back there, together, at the same time, please oh please. Haha

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

Had an amazing time in Catalonia.
I feel like I have strong social ties there. If I moved there I know I will be socially satisfied.
Just I don't know what it's like with minimal ties from home. The two times I visited I came with friends from home.

I need to visit alone.

Had a fascinating theological discussion about homosexuality with my dear friend, so I now know where he stands without affecting my relationship with him at all. I no longer have to fight thinking about things. The potentially destructive thoughts only had strength because there was a sliver of it potentially be true.

All there is, and I know is true:
He is a dear friend.
He is my brother.
I will do anything for him.
I love him. But not in a penisy way.

It was sad leaving. But I enjoyed the day up to then. I seeked enjoyment at every opportunity. I did feel like I ran out of things to say. The stuff I would say I wrote in a card which I gave him (which I caught him reading as I walked passed.) He knows how I feel. He would have told me if he didn't feel the same way. I have a wonderful friend, which I am very surprised about. After growing up with gaining good friends who then vanished, it's nice to finally have at least one who I can retain. Friend for life and beyond life.

[BlueChloroplast]

I've been in a medium-distance relationship for the past 5 years, but my boyfriend is taking a term off school, so we are together right now (well living with our folks, but a block away). I feel being together in the Summer and our family homes being nearby really helps a lot. I agree about the domestic stuff, once we are living together we will have time together when we are home without having to plan anything, do our own things but be together.