The Long Distance Loving Thread

[MrPayneTrayne]

She's started her Visa paperwork today. Could be a month at least which isn't that bad!

[Jamfalcon]

So I thought I'd share this with everyone else in this thread... my girlfriend and I just tested out a site called Rabbit. It's a basically a video chat/browser sharing site, so it means we can watch stuff together without the annoying syncing up of hitting play/pause. The quality isn't the best, but it seems like a pretty convenient way to watch something together.

How does everyone else (who watches together remotely) go about it?

[Avistew]

I had a slightly different experience with US immigration in that I needed to divorce first and couldn't do it from France. My ex wasn't cooperating, and while France doesn't require cooperation, it requires the birth certificates of both spouses. In France that's not an issue, because anyone can ask for anyone else's birth certificate. However my ex being Canadian, we couldn't get his birth certificate without his cooperation, because Canadian birth certificates can be used to steal someone's identify (unlike French birth certificates) so you can only ask for your own, not someone else.

We even had my (French) lawyer ask for it officially with a court order and they still said "Nope".

So I got a US lawyer who let me know that I could totally divorce in the US. Which I ended up doing, while working with the immigration lawyer, and so in the end I was already in the US when we applied, which normally wouldn't be the case (you can get into a lot of trouble if you do it that way, but due to the divorce I had a legitimate reason, which helped a lot).

For the immigration application itself, I agree with what has been said above. Document everything. You'll want pictures of you together, over the months/years, especially showing differences is hairstyles, etc to show that time has passed (rather than you having a photographic session where you switch clothes between pictures). Different locations help too. We ended up making a whole album.

If you're already married when you apply, then you'll also want pictures of a wedding ceremony, a honeymoon, and things like having your name changed (you shouldn't have to have a name change but if neither partner does they find it suspicious so you'll be under more scrutiny).

Married or unmarried, things like joint bank accounts and sharing a phone plan help. There are many banks in the US that allow you to open an account or be added to someone's without living here. And you probably want a cellphone while you're in the US visiting, so a plan is a good idea. I had a plan in the US for years before I moved here for good. Of course it's money spent even when you're not around, so weigh the pros and cons.

If you don't have joint anything in person, another thing we did that helped was screen captures of our Facebook accounts, showing "in a relationship since" as well as tagging each other or sending each other messages over the years. Records of emails and IM chats helped too.

Get a good immigration lawyer, it helps because although you can technically apply on your own, there is so much paperwork and bureaucracy that you may end up doing it wrong, which will add delays and expenses.

And same up money, you need to pay the US government a bunch. And the lawyer of course, although their fee will vary and you may get legal aids too.


@Jam: I always watched stuff over Skype with my husband when we were apart. So we did have to sync, but he would watch without headphones and I turned off the sound on my end, so the sound would be perfectly synced since there was only one. I didn't really care if the image didn't match perfectly. We watched movies and shows pretty often, probably an hour or two a day, and that arrangement always worked for use. A website where you can watch at the same time does sound nice, though.

[Fenrir]

@Jam : Generally speaking my boyfriend and I just try to sync up. Most of the stuff we watch will generally be online anyways. Though we did watch The Nightmare Before Christmas (one of his favorite films) at Halloween.

@ Avistew : Thanks for that information. I'll pass it along to my other half.

In terms of shared anything, once he's employed we could maybe do a shared bank account, I guess? I'm currently living in the UK, so. We both have our own phone contracts though and mine (I believe) allows me to use my current phone (an iPhone 6) in the US.

When you say you need to pay the US government "a bunch", how much do you mean roughly?

[Avistew]

I don't remember exactly because we paid it at the same time as some other fees. I think it was less than a thousand, but it was several hundred (US) dollars.

[viscomica]

I'm with a girl from Denmark. I saw her for two weeks in August. That's her in the picture thread. I'm seeing her for our first year anniversary in February. We're debating who's moving where. It's seeming more likely I'm moving there.

Sorry for being a gossipy person (I am) but er.... weren't you married or about to get married? I don't check out the forums so often anymore so maybe I've mistaken you for someone else, haha. (Btw, feel free to dismiss my question if you don't feel like answering. It is purely motivated by curiosity, though)

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

Going to pursuit teaching English in Catalonia.
(I have a close friend over there.)
However, I need to spend time over there alone to find out if I have equally close friends I equally miss back in Wales.
-
I dream of my friend often. It used to bother me because my dream would be happy situation, and I'd wake up to it being false. But now it doesn't bother me. The dreams come from a good place. And it's better than having night terrors.

It's looking at my experiences and feelings in a different light. This "missing" feeling is good. It shows how much I value their friendship.

[MrPayneTrayne]

Visa approved, tickets booked! She'll be joining me in two short weeks.

[Jamfalcon]

Woo! Glad to hear it.

[MrPayneTrayne]

Yeah, we'll be in the UK until the end of next year then it's back home to Canadia.

[Darkobra]

I'm with a girl from Denmark. I saw her for two weeks in August. That's her in the picture thread. I'm seeing her for our first year anniversary in February. We're debating who's moving where. It's seeming more likely I'm moving there.

Sorry for being a gossipy person (I am) but er.... weren't you married or about to get married? I don't check out the forums so often anymore so maybe I've mistaken you for someone else, haha. (Btw, feel free to dismiss my question if you don't feel like answering. It is purely motivated by curiosity, though)

I was.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

One problem I've found is when you dream of something unpleasant happening to a close acquaintance (them being in a building that's on fire, and you fight past people to go inside to look for them) who lives many many miles away, is that you don't find out until later that the bad dream is indeed a bad dream.

It makes me glad I don't have the gift of prophetic dreams, because it might be torture trying to distinguish prophetic dreams from "brain dump" dreams.

I'm sure the candypocalypse where burning marshmallow rains on the planet will never come into fruition... but those mundane dreams where something not great happens, will suddenly become terrifying. Especially if your gift takes the abstract nature.

Yeah, by mistake turned this LDLing thread into the Dreaming thread.

I miss talking to my friend with my voice. Not the same with text appearing on a back-lit screen. I can't justify trying to arrange face-time because it'll just be 20 minutes of me looking awkwardly at the camera. That's 20 minutes he could have spent being Spanish-busy. Rather save that for a time it's vital.

[Shandi]

I feel that sentiment, Merrymaker. All the longing to hang out only to have an uneventful live chat. Why does this happen?

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

Because they're someone you feel comfortable being quiet with and just being with them.
Unfortunately this doesn't really feel productive if you only get very little face-time. You feel like you have to have quality time and your brain thinks that this involves a lot of talking.

When quality time can be any form.

Would be nice to have a period of time talking-talking text-wise. Because that really only happens when I really need some pastorial help, and that spawns from worry/concern. I'm grateful I can send messages whenever. I am grateful that we can dedicate a period of time for talk. I just feel like I should save the dedicated time for vital things.
I also feel like I know him well enough to know the answer to "How are you?" - 'Tired, busy and happy'.

I wrote a Christmas card to him and found out I had little to say since I keep updating him about myself via online messaging. I couldn't even think of a Bible verse to quote (which is a popular thing Christians do), because the last one I quoted still applies.

I am dreaming of him a lot at the moment. I keep trying to remind myself that it's not a bad thing. Would be OK if I didn't wake up in solitude. I live with parents still, but socially it's not quite the same as friends.

[MrPayneTrayne]

She's arrived safely!

[Jamfalcon]

Huzzah!

[Shandi]

Having finally moved to be with my husband means I don't get to see my other loved ones much. Sooo looking forward to visiting my family in a week. Two exams down, four to go!

[Fenrir]

Gah, I've neglected checking on here...

So! Hit the one year mark with the boyfriend and he starts full time employment this week. That'll present a whole host of new, interesting tests. Already saved a fair amount for going back over there sometime this year but we're still waiting for the dust to settle before we plan anything solid.

On the subject of work; Can any Americans here recommend good job sites to try to get yourself noticed on? I'm trying to put myself out there in terms of getting attention from potential employers but don't really know where to start.

[AdmiralMemo]

Craigslist is where I've gotten all my jobs in the past 9 years, but it's a small sample set. Try Monster or Indeed... Glassdoor can also help. SimplyHired and Idealist are OK.

Also, don't underestimate simply networking on LinkedIn.

For folks with Tech skills, WeWorkRemotely is also pretty good.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

My friend is studying for his exams in three weeks' time, and he describes as these weeks as "terrible".
I feel like I want to help him, but besides from praying for him, I am unsure what I could do that would actually help.

Thinking of producing a small painting for him with a short message on the back to express encouragement.

I just want to offer assistance and he's so far away.

[Fenrir]

Merry, sometimes the best way for you to offer assistance is just to listen. It may not seem like much but sometimes it's more helpful than you realise.

So, for anyone whose immigrated to the US, is it worth trying to get in touch with my local Embassy to see if I can receive further information on immigration? Or how I might go about approaching employers about this?

My boyfriend recently started his new job and for the next few months things are gonna be up in the air. I want to move things forward but ... honestly? I don't really know what the best next move is here.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

He's too busy to speak at all.

I did what I said I did.

Today, I sent an instant message saying "a very big hug" in Spanish.
Last night had a night terror, returned to sleep, then repeatedly dreampt of him and waking up three times (so I had the dream of a person you miss, then waking up realising they aren't with you, three times in a night). The message was really for my benefit. Perhaps, he'll see it when he needs a very big hug. Other than that, and the thing I sent in the post, I hadn't messaged him in two weeks.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

My friend again.

I asked if there was a time where he'd be least busy, so I could come and visit him and his family & friends.

He responded with that his course is going to get way too heavy and that he also needs to work hard to earn money to fund the course. Meaning it is impossible at the moment to go visit.

And that got me to feel very sad. I am very happy that he is studying something good and it's all good things that make him busy. But it's also frustrating that because it is good, I cannot fight the situation. I have to accept it, and face that I maybe will never be able to see my brotherfriend for two years.

It could be bearable if he was able to be active with text communications. The one thing, besides seeing him in person that I miss, is just chatting. We can't have this right now.

If I was in a romantic relationship with him, I could have some solace in knowing that "this is a challenging period, but at the end of it, we'll be living together". But it's a platonic relationship. So I am here in Wales missing him dearly and he's in Catalonia missing my friends and myself dearly with no real idea if we'll actually see each other in real life ever again on this earth. This is where my faith in God comes in, and I hope that there will be a time soon where it is good for this to happen. Until then, I need to be patient and wait and prevent myself from being reliant on him.

I am sure in a romantic relationship feelings will be absolutely shredded, but at least both parties would try to maintain a social channel going. Try to maintain the relationship. In a platonic relationship, it's trying to read the other person from very little, and trying to not be inappropriate.

Fuck I miss him so much. And thinking that I won't see him for two years is going to be challenging. If anyone has any advice of what to do, I'd welcome it. I would ask my parents, but they are married, so I figure having a romantic partner probably helps with this.

[Bebop Man]

In the 3 years that I've been around you've done nothing but wax romantically over this one guy who never has any time for you and as far as you know isn't into you (or other men for that matter) the way you're into him. So maybe pull the band-aid and finally let him know how you feel.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

I've only known him two years. I don't think romantically of him. He is very busy, so has little time. I am not considering him in a romantic way.
But I probably should work out if there is anything about how I feel about him he does not already know, and how to word it.
Thank you for your concern.