Knocking on Death's Door

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Elomin Sha
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Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 30 Apr 2016, 09:52

I've mentioned a couple times on Twitter that I'm working on a comic based around Death and his job tribulations reaping souls. I just like a critique on this short script, it can be about anything. Break indicates end of part one of the strip.

*Father and daughter looking at a grave of family pet*
Daughter: What happens to fluffy now?
Father: Fluffy will be looking down on you from Heaven darling.
Death: Ahem. *Death appears* I wanted to stop the dissemination of false information you are giving that pets go to Heaven.
*Daughter starts crying*
Death: They don't. They have no souls. They just stay in the ground; rot and eaten by bacteria and maggots.
*Death touches daughter who keels over*
Father: What the fuck?!

Death: No, it's okay. I'm allowed to touch children again.*
Father: You killed my daughter.
Death: That wasn't because of me. The realisation that her whole world view was a lie caused her to have a heart attack.
Father: She was six!
Death: That'll teach you the importance of maintaining a child's healthy diet. Here's a pamphlet. Good luck with your next one. It's always easier second time round.

*Relates to multi-part about how Death has been banned from reaping kids souls. Reaps by touching people and it is considered morally wrong for him to touch children.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 30 Apr 2016, 11:47

I came in worried that you were terminally ill.

Interesting twisted humour.
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Elomin Sha
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 30 Apr 2016, 11:50

I'm a twisted individual with a twisted imagination. Ooo poppies.
If I was ever dying I'd just say it in a humourous way. I'm not dying until I'm around 80 odd, as long as I am on the average age cycle. Smeg, 50 years is not enough time for me to find my first girlfriend.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 01 May 2016, 12:27

Thought I'd throw this one up as it's the closest to the line I'd probably go.

May 23rd, 1999, Kansas City, Missouri, United States
Owen Hart is high above in the Kemper Arena looking down at a ring far below.
Starts to descend
Death appears next to him.
DEATH: Hey. First, I really wanted to say that I'm a big fan of yours. Second; I'm sorry.

Scary that it has been 17 years since then.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Danielle Pepin » 01 May 2016, 13:06

Is the topic title the title of the comic? If forum allows thread title changes I suggest change to add "Comic:" to the start of it so people don't think it might be a serious situation. I'm glad you aren't knocking on death's door just yet.

I did a few reaper single panel gag comics a while ago. Maybe I'll post them at some point....
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Elomin Sha
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 01 May 2016, 13:13

It's the comic title. I don't see the nee to change it. It is doing what I wanted grab attention and hopefully get people's critique. The forum is VERY quiet to what it used to be. Honestly I think it is dying.

HEY WAKE UP!
Last edited by Elomin Sha on 02 May 2016, 13:39, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Lord Chrusher » 01 May 2016, 13:15

It is probably a side effect of LRR focus shifting to streams - you have the chat right there to talk about things.

I just remembered that I have been on the forums for 11 years now.
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Elomin Sha
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 01 May 2016, 14:07

8 for me.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Jamfalcon » 01 May 2016, 14:21

Coming up on five for me. Which feels really weird, since I remember Elomin welcoming me when I first joined and feeling like you were one of the people who had been here forever. And now I've been here longer than you'd been at that point.

Weeeeird.
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Elomin Sha
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 01 May 2016, 15:01

How come I haven't killed you yet? Or was the slight bag maiming it?
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 01 May 2016, 16:06

7 years here.

I don't bother watching the streams since they air when I am sleepy and usually, the chat has too many people.
So I socialise here.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby MrPayneTrayne » 02 May 2016, 04:19

Think your scripts might need some trimming. Might need to see it laid out with the pictures themselves but they seem rather wordy.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 02 May 2016, 10:04

The first one is designed to be spread across two parts. I want to do a Patreon to them but I want to get two or three examples of other styles I want to do; Serial, one off spoken page and one off mute page.

Example:

Mute strips ones have Death missing his lower jaw so he can't speak.

*Death standing, in a university jacket, with his missing jaw*
*Character enters holding his jaw*
Character: Here's your jaw back. You better think twice before you use such foul language out of your mouth again.
*Character leaves*
*Death gets on the ground and writes out with chalk*
*Chalk writing*
Trump 2016

Trimming will occur as I can remove the first line of the above already. Thanks for the input.

One bit of advice I would offer to anyone who is writing or wanting to up with ideas: Listen to music. Pick a genre and find songs that would fit and write/draw while the music is playing. Pick out lines, titles and use it as a frame. Sometimes the original idea will evolve and come out better.

Personal Experience:

For a tv series idea I based the premise around track titles of Iron Saviour for episode synopsis and had roughly 3 seasons worth of 13 episodes each, and the same for a book idea with Iron Maiden.
Poets of the Fall's song and music video Locking up the Sun - concept for a TV opening, design of a space ship nose, and a term for leaving a star system and never to return.
I used Origa's works for my Masters.
Knocking on Death's Door is being influenced by Cécile Corbel
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 07 May 2016, 12:13

I'm trying to work out which would be 'funnier', Death pushing Owen or slicing his cable.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Dutch guy » 07 May 2016, 13:29

Elomin Sha wrote:I'm trying to work out which would be 'funnier', Death pushing Owen or slicing his cable.


Given that Owen has already started descending (According to your own notes at least) pushing him isn't really going to do anything. Slicing the cable would work better I think.

And damn, it's been almost 8 years since I joined these forums now... How time flies. The streaming also isn't really my thing, but for now I still enjoy hanging out in the forums. However quiet they may be.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 07 May 2016, 14:35

He was already being lowered in real life when his cable came loose. I thought about changing it for 'artistic' license.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Dutch guy » 08 May 2016, 12:42

Elomin Sha wrote:He was already being lowered in real life when his cable came loose. I thought about changing it for 'artistic' license.


I actually had to look up what this was about. Now that I've done it I'm not entirely sure making that joke wouldn't just be in poor taste. It'll certainly be taken that way by some people. Not that that should stop you from making it, but it's something to consider.

I think changing it to pushing him or cutting the cable doesn't really work. Maybe make death swing for the cable, miss and hit the release instead. Mumbling: "Hmm, guess that worked" afterwards or something.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 08 May 2016, 12:56

I like the idea, I can visualise how I can do it, but it's a little too much to get done. With how 'KODD' is going to work there are going to be a couple of scenarios people may not like, which I'm ready for. Not everything is meant to liked by all.

I'm an Owen Hart fan.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby AdmiralMemo » 08 May 2016, 22:06

This looks like good dark humor. Dark humor isn't for everyone, but after 8 years, I doubt anyone can say "too soon!" to you.
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Elomin Sha
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 09 May 2016, 01:49

I can't tell people what to say and think and vice versa. I'm just surprised that it has been 17 years since Owen passed.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 09 May 2016, 05:46

And a lighter comic for later after the introduction of the Kings of Darkness. Heizei is one of the five.

*HEIZEI is practising with his bow.
DEATH: That's a nice bow you have there.
HEIZEI: Hankyu*.
DEATH: No problem.

*Hankyu is a Japanese shortbow.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Robo4900 » 10 May 2016, 07:41

This comic sounds fun. I'd definitely read it.
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Elomin Sha
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 10 May 2016, 10:40

Thanks. I was originally writing this as a potential tv series. As of yesterday I had a song for its intro picked.
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Robo4900 » 11 May 2016, 08:33

Oh nice. Animated?
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Re: Knocking on Death's Door

Postby Elomin Sha » 11 May 2016, 11:56

If I ever had a chance to pitch it, I had thought it would have been live action with practical effects and animatronics. The good stuff.

This was the theme: Origa - Inner Universe (Self-Cover) I prefer this version to the one she performed for GITS SAC 1st Gig.

I thought of using this snog because it works with Death walking through Dead Avenue, a place where the gouls, ghosts and creatures live in the plain between live and the afterlife.
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