Maybe this is a little off-topic, but I kind of feel the need to say this...
Kikazi wrote:That makes me recall another quote: “Get comfortable being uncomfortable.”
I
hate this sentiment. Utterly, categorically
loathe it. Especially in the way that it's usually formulated - "You just need to get out of your comfort zone."
Why? Because I don't think I have ever, not even once, seen it used as genuine advice in a well-meaning way. I have only ever encountered it as a way for people to try to bully me into doing something they want me to do, after I have already expressed my desire to not do it, since it would make me genuinely, deeply uncomfortable.
See, everyone has heard the advice, and society has kind of accepted it as universally true. So when someone says "You just need to get out of your comfort zone" you automatically think "Well, I'm deeply distressed by the notion of doing this, but what they're saying is universally true, so I
must be wrong and
have to do this... or I can refuse and feel guilty and wrong about it."
It's manipulative. It's domineering. It doesn't take a person's desires and consent into account.
Let me give you an example from my own life:
In my first year of undergrad, I joined the university debating club. As part of that, I attended a debating tournament in another city. The first evening there, the group went to a karaoke bar. I was happy to sit around, drink, and chat. Some others went up to sing. One guy - in a leadership position in the club - asked me if I wanted to go up to sing. I said no, it would make me uncomfortable. Cue the famous words...
"You just need to get out of your comfort zone."
I still refused. His response? "What, do you think you're better than us?"
Kind of ended the night for me, right there. But let's unpick this a bit, eh?
I was
very new to debating (this was in September of my first year, and I never debated in high school) but I was attending a tournament, as part of a club I had just joined, in a city I had never been to before, in a province that doesn't speak my language (I'm an anglophone and this tournament was in a city in Quebec). Moreover, this was my
very first time in a bar of any kind, ever.
As someone with diagnosed social anxiety disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, I was already pushing myself
well beyond what I was accustomed to. But these were things I
wanted to do. They were things that, while new and different and a little scary, I was still
comfortable doing. They were within my limits - limits I had set for myself.
But going up on stage to sing? Outside my comfort zone. Didn't want to do it. And you know what?
That's okay. Would I have had a better night if I had submitted to this jerk, abandoned what I was comfortable with and what my limits were, and gone up to sing? Or would I have had a better night if, instead of trying to bully me with well-worn advice, he had said "Cool! Just thought I'd ask. Have fun!"?
"You just need to get out of your comfort zone."
I assure you, I bloody well do
not. I don't
have to do anything I don't want to. And it's no one's place to tell me I do.
There's more to it, too, though this is probably just me rather than a general thing. As I said, I find the "advice" to be exceptionally manipulative. I'm
incredibly sensitive to manipulation. Triggered by it, in fact (and I do mean that technically - as I mentioned, I have a number of diagnosed psychiatric disorders, including post-traumatic stress). So, because I've only ever encountered it as an attempt to manipulate, bully, and dominate, whenever I see "You just need to get out of your comfort zone," my immediate response is "Fuck you." And then I do the exact opposite, just to show whoever is saying it that they can't control me and that they need to respect my wishes as a human being.
Remember that guy who asked me if I thought I was better than him? My answer was an immediate "Yes." Not because I thought it was true, but because he was trying to manipulate me. The only acceptable response to that question is "No, of course not." Which he could then use to bully me into doing what he wanted. So I decided to be contrary. He didn't like it much; just turned and left without saying another word.
Now, what does all of this have to do with what you're talking about?
Well, first, I'd say ditch the entire concept of "needing" to get out of one's comfort zone, or "needing" to become comfortable with discomfort. It's not helpful to everyone (especially to people like me) and it's easy for aggressive, dominant bullies to twist it to their own ends and hurt vulnerable people. It also frames discomfort as a good thing. That is, if you're feeling discomfort, you must be doing the right thing. Ignore your feelings, and keep going. Which can lead to some very, very bad places (i.e., "I'm deeply uncomfortable with the horrible way my partner treats me in our relationship, but discomfort is good, so... I guess I should stay with them?").
I'd reformulate it thus: "You should try new things if you're interested in them, even if they're kind of scary, but only to the extent that you're comfortable with. You never need to accept discomfort if you don't want to. You are always in control. You can always stop, at any time. No one can tell you what to do or that you need to keep going. Your autonomy and consent matter."
(Special shout-out here to the jackasses on the internet who try to excuse this sort of bullying by saying "Making you uncomfortable is how exposure therapy works. I'm helping you!" No, you're not. You're being a bully. I'm
in exposure therapy - I know what it is. Not only that, what gives you the right? Autonomy and consent matter above all else.)
Second, and this ties into your "How?" question, the advice is kind of vague and useless, isn't it? "Get out of your comfort zone!" just tells you to go do something you're uncomfortable with. That's entirely insufficient - not only does it provide you no guidance beyond scaring yourself ("Jumping off this bridge would make me uncomfortable. Welp. Whee!" *Splat*), it misses the important part of the advice. Specifically, what it
should say is this:
"If there is something you really, really want, but which you're afraid of trying to get because doing the necessary things is scary, well, you're going to need to do some things that are scary. But you can do them bit by bit, and little by little, at your own pace. That way, it's only ever a
little scary - never so scary that you're uncomfortable with it. You're in control, and you can get where you want to be."
That's actually
helpful, especially if the problem getting going is the anxiety itself.
Likewise, "Just do it!" and "Just get out there!" are incredibly unhelpful because they also miss the important part of the advice, the "how" of it. Better would be to say this:
"If there is something you really, really want, but which you can't seem to bring yourself to work towards, because of inability, or fear, or whatever else, there's a way to get there. I know it seems like a huge, insurmountable feat right now. That's because you're looking at the final product as the first step. That's not how it goes. Chip off a tiny little sliver of it, something manageable, something that you'd be comfortable doing. Something
really easy. So easy, you could do it in five minutes. Go do that. Right now. I'll wait.
...
Hey! You did it! Or if you didn't do it, you damn well gave it your best shot - and that's a hell of a thing! Don't you feel good? Doesn't it feel good to be a little closer to your goal? Even if it was a little scary to do? Yeah!
Okay. What next? Well, tomorrow, do the same little sliver again. And do it the next day. And the next. It was easy the first time, so it should be easy again, right? And you know what? The more you do it, the easier and easier it will get. And the less scary it will get, too! After a while, it'll be second nature. So what do you do then? Look back at your final goal, chip off another little sliver - a bit scary, but still within your limits - and go do that. And then do it the next day. And the next.
And then chip off another sliver. And then another. Eventually, with a lot of hard work, you'll have chipped the whole thing away!"
See how that's more helpful? Now, it's not as pithy as "You just need to get out of your comfort zone," "Just do it," or "Just get out there," granted. (Side note - notice how
all of those have the word "just" in them? There's no "just." This isn't easy stuff, and implying otherwise is a recipe for demoralization and failure.)
But we do have a saying that distills all of what I wrote into a simple phrase - and one that is far, far less able to be used to manipulate, and dominate, and bully than the others:
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
I'm not comfortable setting out to walk a thousand miles from the get-go. But I'm comfortable taking a step today. And then two tomorrow. And then three the next day.
Eventually, I'll get there. I won't have been bullied along the way. And I
will get there - something that probably wouldn't have happened at all if I decided to get uncomfortable and walk the whole thing on day one. I wouldn't be able to - I wouldn't have put in the necessary work.
Anyway... that was a whole long thing. I hope it was helpful, or at least interesting? Felt I needed to get it off my chest - I've hated that "advice" for so long, I needed to vent.
