Wish Corrupting Game

[Koyote042]

Granted! Scientists make the PERFECT pie, said to be the best tasting thing on the planet! They bring you in to test the taste of it, you sign over waivers to prevent you from suing them incase you decide to commit suicide in case you feel there is nothing else worth tasting on the planet. While you shrug that clause out of your head, and a few other equally disturbing ones regarding taste bud self destruction, you finally sit down to eat this supposedly amazing pie. They give you the pie to eat, you gently put your fork into the pie and SUDDENLY a dimensional wormhole opens up sucking the pie and all related research materials away. You now have no pie. And you are hungry.

I wish the Internet didn't have Internet Fuckwads.

[Ptangmatik]

Granted! Your decree goes out: Anyone you deem a fuckwad is to be expelled from the internet. After two months all the fuckwads are gone, people celebrate! But then, 2 days later, during a perfectly reasonable discussion over the efficacy of the trouser press in cooking poultry, Stephen Fry misses the D in Duck, hits F and is removed. A strange hush falls over twitter, an unnatural silence which, slowly but surely, builds to a deafening roar as billions of people flame out their internet accounts raging at a system that would ban the world's 3rd most affable man (after David Attenborough and Michael Palin). After only 4 hours the entire internet consists of fourteen knitting circles, five book groups, a renegade crocheting circle and a pair of 70 year olds playing chess over email.

I wish it was the future so that I finally can have my hover car

[Grickles]

Granted! you're 5 million years in the future and humans have long since invented hover cars and have expanded across the stars but have long since abandoned earth and a new race of bipedal human sized elephant men have evolved to become the dominant species on the planet but they're living in the equivalent of today's age and they don't have hover cars.

I wish I had Omnipotence

[Kortanios]

Granted! Once you become omnipotent you discover that if you are not constantly thinking of every particle in the universe and doing calculations as to zepto second timescale motions for every subatomic particle things just stop existing, you can never sleep again and as you control everything nothing is of any interest to you anymore. You become depressed but are just too afraid of what will happen if you stop thinking about everything to just let it end and live a tortured life for eternity.

I wish food that is both healthy and tasty was less expensive.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Granted. VAT has just been reduced by 0.1% to annoy accountants.

I wish I had more time to browse this evening.

[Koyote042]

Granted! The space time continuum has been altered specifically for you however the universe explodes.

I wish all sick people were healed.

[Fezzul]

Granted! They are. People stop getting ill and dying, they start living forever, population bomb, resources over-exploited... end of humanity.

I wish I had absolute confidence in my abilities.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Granted. You immediately decide to test your ability to bmx over the grand canyon. Your confidence was misplaced.

I wish my dogs were more obedient

[Ptangmatik]

Granted! They will now poop on command. Any command. Any word said by anyone in front of them is taken as a command. They certainly hold more poop than you would think possible for such mathematically small-volumed creatures, they're like poop-TARDISes

poop.poopoopoopoopoopoopoopoop

(also a belated happy birthday)

I wish I could read and absorb information ten times faster, so like I'd have the information without having to spend so long actually reading it.

[Koyote042]

Granted. You now have photographic memory. But now you have an inoperable brain tumor that's slowly killing you while driving you mad.

I wish for bagels.

[Elomin Sha]

Granted. You get the 4th Deadliest Bagel.

I wish for a mace with +1 luck.

[Ptangmatik]

Granted! It is also entirely bathed in eternal demonic fire. Good luck picking that up without setting your arm on fire or storing it anywhere without it melting through the floor

I wish I didn't occasionally descend into babble in job interviews

[Koyote042]

Granted. You're mute.

I wish to be able to eat sweets without getting sick.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Granted. They give you explosive diarrhoea instead

(It was the other Ix's birthday btw. Unless you knew that already Ptang. In which case, begonias)

I wish for a medium-sized, non-toxic and relatively fresh haddock.

[Koyote042]

Granted! But it's in an impentatrable force field.

I wish for cigarettes that didn't kill me and tasted good.

[Ptangmatik]

Granted! They won't kill you, but the massively painful malignant tumours will horrifically deform your face, arms, legs and genitals

At least they taste good I suppose?

I wish for a cheese toastie with a moderate dollop of ketchup on top

(I'm on my way to the kitchen after posting this, just try and stop me! Bwa hah hah haaa... ohwaititsbreakfasttime.... Ok, but this evening that sandwich is totally getting toastied)

[Koyote042]

Granted! But since you didn't specify the size, a fifty story tall cheese toastie five miles wide falls from the sky and kills you and thousands instantly. Then to add insult to injury, a small Heinz Ketchup bottle appears over the massive foodstuff and slowly dabbles its red tasty contents on top. What a way to go!

I wish Monkey's Paw wishes didn't grant bad stuff, just good stuff.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Granted. Unfortunately, a previous change in the structure of the English language has some how managed to render the words 'bad' and 'good' synonymous.

I wish I had something fun to do online.

[thatlaurachick]

Granted. However all the child porn you download results in a "special visit" and at least 20 years in prison.

I wish I could buy a new computer that worked properly.

[Kapol]

Granted, but it's Pseudonym's computer before he was arrested. You receive a similar visit.

I wish that I had confidence and that this thread hadn't taken a weird turn.

[ocelotteranian]

Granted, but you are only confident in your ability to keep forum threads from getting too weird. Every other task fills you with dread and self-doubt.

I wish it were possible to dye dark hair well without bleaching it first.

[Kapol]

Aha! You fell for my trap! That means I'm still more confident in things than I am now.

Granted, but it now doesn't work at all on light hair, and you now have light green hair.

I wish that this post didn't exist.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Granted, Kapol.

Granted. However, the only viable dye is somewhat acidic and will render a user bald within a week.

I wish I knew how to cut beads properly.

[empath]

Granted; you have the knowledge clear in your mind, but can neither explain it to anyone else, nor get your hands to perform the task properly.

I wish my debts would be absolved.

[Mums]

Granted; but to reboot the economy the only viable currency is debts.

I wish I had perfect vision.