funny/clever quotes

[iEatNinjaZ]

just because i need a good laugh...
post your funny/clever quotes here!


such as...

"...and the breakfast cereals..." - monty python
"did you just roll? " - kid in my class < ill explain if nobody gets it
"dick sandwiches!" -ellis, leetworld
" (listening to radio) is he saying fat people, not good?" dave, civil protection
" wheres my fucking chocolate milk!" -annoying little kid
" dr. tran shuts them up with a RED HOT DICKING!" announcer, dr tran saves the day
"Nothing gives me quite so much joy as when people tell me they've had their pets spayed or neutered." - bob barker
" hello im Chuck Norris" - chuck norris
"Thanks. You've kept me alive and taught me a very important lesson: One should never go on national TV and beg psychopaths to kill one. " - penn
"arguing on the internet is like competing in the special Olympics. even if u win, you are still retarded" - some guy on youtube


50th post woot!

[Tim]

Every time I hear that last one, which has been around for years beyond reckoning, I die a little on the inside.

My dad has a foster sister who has competed in the BC Special Olympics in bowling. She's a really fun person.

/guilt trip



I have a little Random Quote thingy on my website. When I pull it up right now, the first two it gives me are:

"Variety is for the discontent" -- Me
"I can only suggest that he who would combat false consciousness and awaken people to their true interests has much to do, because the sleep is very deep." -- Erving Goffman

I apologize they weren't funnier, but I'm a sociologist, and I believe Erving Goffman to be a wonderful, brilliant man. Therefore, here's a funny one:

"I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food." -- Jonathan Swift, in "A Modest Proposal"

[iEatNinjaZ]

Every time I hear that last one, which has been around for years beyond reckoning, I die a little on the inside.

My dad has a foster sister who has competed in the BC Special Olympics in bowling. She's a really fun person.

sorry if it offends you or anything.

its cool that she competed.
(kissing ur ass) next Michael Phelps is she?

[Wonko]

"Follow ducks, for they are strong in both spirit and mind." - A Fortune Cookie

"Your theory is crazy. But it’s not crazy enough to be true." - Neils Bohr

“You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.” - Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." - Douglas Adams

[Master Gunner]

“You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.” - Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

Albert Einstein: First person to use an internet meme to describe something in the real world?

[2stepz]

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." - Douglas Adams

Such is my life...

"Ladies and Gents, Take my Advice.
Pull down your Pants and Slide on the Ice."
- Sydney Friedman, M*A*S*H

Woman! With out her, Man is nothing!
- Punctuation test in college with two possible answers.

[RandomCheese]

A friend of mine has come up with a humourous way of memorizing the strings of a guitar (EADGBE):
"Every afternoon, Doug grabs balls earnestly."

As for actual quotes, there are many, a few of which I will post here:
"You wan't your booties?" "Yes please." - Youtube video
"How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?" - Zoolander
"I take my coffee like I take my women: Strong, black, and proud." - Michael Ian Black
"We've got intruder alert." - Infernal demo

[Metcarfre]

“For every complex problem there is a simple solution. And it is always wrong.”

Henry Louis Mencken

"Dam is not a biochemical expletive; it stands for DNA adenine methylation."

Lehninger's Principles of Biochemistry 4th edition, p 959.

Sorry, nobody would get that one unless they had taken Biochem. Still, it cracks me up every time!

[Unclever title]

"Abraham Lincoln once said, 'If you're a racist I will attack you with the North,' and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace. "

~ Michael Scott - The Office

"I cannot kill my friend."
[to his henchmen] "Kill my friend. "

~ Cosmo - Sneakers

"When I hear a man preach, I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees. "

~ Abraham Lincoln - Um... Real life.

[CyberTractor]

"Those who don't try never look foolish." Fiyero - Wicked.

[Tensen01]

my friend Dawn is a goldmine for these kindsa things.

When asked by a waiter what she'd like to order "Bring me a cow fetus still warm from the womb"
"Never kick a gift horse in the teeth"
About a bacon cheeseburger "it's best when you put the oink oink on the moo moo"

Caron: "I don't like Linolium"
Dawn: "That's 'cause you don't own a duck!"

To me and my friends after speaking on the phone to her mom "Well, that decides it... Apperently you're all rapists..."

[Corax]

heres a funny quote:

just because i need a good laugh...
post your funny/clever quotes here!


such as...

"...and the breakfast cereals..." - monty python
"did you just roll? " - kid in my class < ill explain if nobody gets it
"dick sandwiches!" -ellis, leetworld
" (listening to radio) is he saying fat people, not good?" dave, civil protection
" wheres my fucking chocolate milk!" -annoying little kid
" dr. tran shuts them up with a RED HOT DICKING!" announcer, dr tran saves the day
"Nothing gives me quite so much joy as when people tell me they've had their pets spayed or neutered." - bob barker
" hello im Chuck Norris" - chuck norris
"Thanks. You've kept me alive and taught me a very important lesson: One should never go on national TV and beg psychopaths to kill one. " - penn
"arguing on the internet is like competing in the special Olympics. even if u win, you are still retarded" - some guy on youtube


50th post woot!

[JoeNewberry]

Twain is good for a few hundred, like this one:

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

or

"It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."

[Metcarfre]

Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

Jake: Hit it.

From The Blues Brothers.

[Shandi]

"It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."

His wisdom never ceases to amaze me. He's so right. Bill Gaston always hammered that into us last year, so that story workshops wouldn't sound like this:
"That character is unbelievable. No one would ever do that."
"No but it would because I have this uncle and one time..."

If no one believes it, it doesn't matter if it's true. Fiction doesn't have the luxury of authenticity as a crutch.


Funny quote: Jason, after being cut off by someone turning onto Shelbourne,
"Learn to pull out!"

[AlexanderDitto]

Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.

Groucho Marx is probably the best for these:

Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Mr. Grover [Doing an informal job interview]: What experience have you had at a department store?
Wolf J. Flywheel (Groucho): I was a shoplifter for three years.

Hello, Cocoanut Arms. Yes, we have a dining room. If it's fish, we have it. If it's meat, we have it. If it's fowl, we've had it too long.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I don't know.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

[JesterJ.]

From Fight Club: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Steven Levitt: Cheating is a primordial economic act: getting more for less.

[Corax]

from: Team Fortress 2: Meet The Soldier:

Soldier: "Then, he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat and then he beat the crap out of every single one."

Soldier: [Laughs to himself] "And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a 'zoo'!"

Soldier: [To the Medic's severed head] "Unless it's a farm!"

[RandomCheese]

"Remember, we're in Itchy Lot." - Homer Simpson

[Dominic Appleguard]

For good quotes, it's hard to top Churchill or Disraeli.

[Zed Alpha]

From Schlock Mercenary:

"I have a hard time trusting a ship drive that's that small."
"Come on, Tagon; mininukes and compressor grenades are about this size."
"That completely fails to reassure me, Kevyn."

[Ninja_Z]

"SergioThree: there's other fish in the sea, man, she's just a girl
Beatsfromkorea: no dude, that's bullshit.
Beatsfromkorea: Think of it this way. if your precious copy of street fighter third strike broke and i told you "it's ok man, there's other games in the sea. here, play mortal kombat instead" what would you say? you'd be like, "fuck that, gimme third strike."
SergioThree: ...
SergioThree: you just reached me on a level that i never thought possible"

It's funny and makes me laugh every time I read it.