The Opposite Sex and Love

[Kara]

So we can diverge the topic from the Padded Soundproof Room thread into here.

To those who haven't read it, we started talking about how girls and guys view each other and different reasons people are attracted to each other. (i.e. Why guys can be real dicks, why it always seems girls go for the assholes, etc.)

So here's a thread we can talk about it.
What makes you tick about the opposite sex and at the same time what makes you find them attractive? What do you not understand about the mindset? Do you think love at first sight exists, and what do you think makes the opposite sex interested in you?


Maybe we can all learn a little bit more about the opposite sex through this thread and try to understand better ourselves as well.

If you're a lover of the same sex, feel free to answer the questions about your own sex.


I'm just going to toss off the more immediate question here.
What do you think makes you attracted to people?

[Nomadic]

The soul is the true source of beauty. A radiant inside will always overcome any flaws on the outside. Thus the reason people say that "love is blind." It's not that love makes you not want to see the flaws, but when that love is focused on the inside, the glow coming from within will wash away anything.

And nice guys don't always finish last. You just need to find a girl who is willing to be nice back to you. The girls who go after the not-nice guys are usually not ones you really want to be dating at that moment in time as they themselves are not sure of who they are or what they want.

But that's just my opinion. Regardless....

*Spreads some hugs around*

This is what she was talking about...as to the official topic, I'll throw my two cents in after a few more people have posted.

[allison]

dude, one of my best friends is like 1000 times prettier then my, liek seriously, she's STUNNING, but she doesn't think so, she has like no confidence, and i am kinda overflowing with confidence sometimes... and it really seems like i get the guys... (well compared to her, i dont realy get guys... buuttt..) so i really think confidence is the most attractive thing. it is for me anyways.... though shy guys are SOOO CUTE... i dunno what im trying to sy anymore, im just rambling.. yeaaa

[Cuttlefishman]

I'm just going to toss off the more immediate question here.
What do you think makes you attracted to people?

I'm gonna go on a limb and say that my interest emerge with a correlation that their interests and abilities share to mine own. But I haven't really analyzed or anything.

[Kara]

I agree on both fronts with you Allison.

I think it's about finding a perfect in-between of confidence and shyness. Or something more centered rather than one extreme or the other. If someone is overly confident it can just be irritating, but if someone is too shy they either won't talk or won't have anything good to say about themselves and tend to be too pessimistic and hard to get to know.
For instance, at this moment I have a mad crush on a fairly shy guy, but when he does talk he's still witty and isn't afraid to speak up. He's just a bit more quiet than some.

And I also agree that interests need to be similar. Otherwise there isn't too much to talk about and no matter how witty or good looking the other person might be there'll still be nothing interesting to say.

As another note, how important do you guys think being physically attractive is to a relationship starting?

[allison]

As another note, how important do you guys think being physically attractive is to a relationship starting?

if you really like someone you'll find somthing physically stractive about them

[Hakaryu]

I happen to love my fiance because he's one of the most responsible people I know and he'll bend over backwards just to see your smile.

He doesn't do stupid things like get totally shit faced. He doesn't do drugs.

He puts me before his mates which I think is a total plus.



Physical features wise he's just totally handsome.

[allison]

I happen to love my fiance because he's one of the most responsible people I know and he'll bend over backwards just to see your smile.

He doesn't do stupid things like get totally shit faced. He doesn't do drugs.

He puts me before his mates which I think is a total plus.



Physical features wise he's just totally handsome.

thats cute

[2stepz]

My first and only real relationship was with another water-engineer. (common interest #1) We both loved hiking and photography (#2, 3) He listened to funk and bluegrass, I listen to country. Close enough. (#4)

He was an Aspie, and I'm just not that social. (#5) We spent a lot of our time either sitting at home watching movies together, or hiking in the wilderness/walking around being tourists... together.

Honestly, the only problem I have with him is that in the end, he didn't want me. Sometimes, that's all it takes for it to fall apart.So you pick up and move on.

I still look primarily for common interests. Without that, nothing will work.

[Alja-Markir]

Alja's List of Attractive Attributes (In No Particular Order)

• Honest
• Intelligent
• Generous
• Empathic
• Silly
• Adventurous
• Witty
• Confident
• Playful
• Honorable
• Different
• Intimate
• Passionate

As far as common interests, my lass of three and a half years and I are both silly geeks, so we have overlaps but also differences. Example, she's an otaku but I am decidely not. However, I fully support her otaku-geekiness and will gladly listen to her ramble and gush about her favorite yaoi cosplay video or the newest episode of Naruto pissing her off or whatever. Likewise, I'm a huge gamer and she isn't, but she's more than happy to humor me when I start chattering on about gaming matters, new technologies, new quests assignments for my job, online discussions or articles I read through and find fascinating.

Sometimes, though, it's the differences that let us lock horns when we need to butt heads. By having playful and stubborn back and forths, we kind of mentally exercise by matching wits. It's all very silly and fun, and even when we get wrapped up in it to the point of actual arguing, we always end up laughing at our own absurdity and that just brings us closer than ever.

To be honest, the single best common interests are of the personality kind. We're both silly and young-at-heart free spirits. We're both very intimate and physical people. We're both spontaneous when we want to be, and we love to laugh and make others laugh.

Of course, again, we have our differences, but they compliment each other. I'm a very rational, collected thinker; she's a more emotional and human thinker. I'm a bit of a lone wolf; she's a bit of a social butterfly. I'm a very orderly person; she's a bit more of a messy, homey kinda gal. We work well together.

~Alja~

[Lyinginbedmon]

I must be the closest thing here to an impartial observer, but I'll try to think from my slightly-stronger heterosexual side.

To me, women just seem better "built". Men by comparison seem so crude in design and function.

Not only do women contain their own construction factory, but they combine form and function perfectly. The factory exit closest to the ground, but far away enough to allow ambulation in virtually all gestation periods. The dual feeding plants, to alternate as one regenerates, or two feed multiple offspring. The musculature that can be as powerful as most males and still slip in under the dermal layers and such in a way that is elegant and efficient. There are improvements to be made, they aren't perfect (The reproductive vessel could be externalised in an egg form, for example, and the back muscles improved), but what they have is very well done.

Men meanwhile are closer to Lego in comparison. The reproductive factory, little more than a mail delivery system (Pun not intended), hangs externally and virtually unprotected as if it was just tacked on at the end. Muscle mass is much greater, the shoulders broader, the chest barreled, this is something designed to pound on things hard.

So for my first note I prefer women (I'm nonsexual, but closer to hetero as one friend has tested...much to my displeasure) because their average design seems more advanced than that of the male.

After that, women that I meet have a higher incidence of being generally pleasant individuals than males, who are often too drugged up on their own testosterone or such to make even polite conversation.

That's all I can think of right now, but I'm reasonably certain there's more.

EDIT: @Kara, I'm friends with many and could probably go further with a good number. Physical attractiveness just isn't high on my list, I'm more for personality than anything else which I'll expand on later.

[Cuttlefishman]

I must be the closest thing here to an impartial observer, but I'll try to think from my slightly-stronger heterosexual side.

To me, women just seem better "built". Men by comparison seem so crude in design and function.

Not only do women contain their own construction factory, but they combine form and function perfectly. The factory exit closest to the ground, but far away enough to allow ambulation in virtually all gestation periods. The dual feeding plants, to alternate as one regenerates, or two feed multiple offspring. The musculature that can be as powerful as most males and still slip in under the dermal layers and such in a way that is elegant and efficient. There are improvements to be made, they aren't perfect (The reproductive vessel could be externalised in an egg form, for example, and the back muscles improved), but what they have is very well done.

Men meanwhile are closer to Lego in comparison. The reproductive factory, little more than a mail delivery system (Pun not intended), hangs externally and virtually unprotected as if it was just tacked on at the end. Muscle mass is much greater, the shoulders broader, the chest barreled, this is something designed to pound on things hard.

So for my first note I prefer women (I'm nonsexual, but closer to hetero as one friend has tested...much to my displeasure) because their average design seems more advanced than that of the male.

After that, women that I meet have a higher incidence of being generally pleasant individuals than males, who are often too drugged up on their own testosterone or such to make even polite conversation.

That's all I can think of right now, but I'm reasonably certain there's more.

I'm happy to see science taking a stand in such a topic.

[allison]

Alja's List of Attractive Attributes (In No Particular Order)

• Honest
• Intelligent
• Generous
• Empathic
• Silly
• Adventurous
• Witty
• Confident
• Playful
• Honorable
• Different
• Intimate
• Passionate

~Alja~

oo
these for me too
but i'd put them in a different order

[King Kool]

For the most part, at one point, all the women I've been interested in showed interest in me. Not in a romantic sense, but just in a friendly sense, in a personal sense. They did something to stand out and go outside of the normal parameters of friendship I'm used to and did something nice or caring and showed more interest than anyone else.

I can't pinpoint a single event with the first two, (the first was simply a general friendliness, the second one might have been just an ordinary immature crush, looking back on it, since it lasted the least amount of time), but with the last two, I can think of specific events where I can see where my heart got locked in place.

I won't tell any of the specific tales here, but you would probably be surprised how little it really takes. It's almost ridiculous, like how a crumb is a feast for an ant. Just a tiny sliver of kindness, for me, is like water to a man lost in the desert.

All of the crushes were beautiful in their own way (and that's not a euphemism, they're all pretty different looking, but I am by no means selective), but I think beauty has as much to do with love as a wearing all white has to do with being a chef. It's all in your head. As someone once said, "You don't love them because they are beautiful; they're beautiful because you love them."

Here's an example: the lastest victim of my affection, for the first year or so I knew her, I wasn't even certain I liked her. What's weirder, I don't think I thought she was pretty. And by all traditional means of measurements, she's gorgeous. After about a year, when I got to know her a little better, I came to my fucking senses and realized she's perfectly nice and, I finally realized, a bombshell.

My problem is that I never know a girl enough to be able to see exactly why it wouldn't work out, so I can't check them off my list. I know intellectually that it wouldn't work out, but I feel like I'm willing to put up with almost anything (when in reality, I probably wouldn't be able to just because we might not be compatible). By the time I know someone well enough to like them very much, they usually leave my life and I'm left wondering.

I know it won't work, and I know I should move on. But for once, I would just like to know why.

You know what's really ridiculous? This girl I'm currently smitten with? I've never so much as hugged her.

...

Where's the exhausted emoticon? I could really use that one.

[Alja-Markir]

oo
these for me too
but i'd put them in a different order

Interestingly, it's not even that someone needs have all of these. Example, my best friend and "adoptive" sister is someone who is a wonderful person, but because of certain things in her youth she isn't the most honest of people. Still, she's someone very dear to me and I love her on a several levels. And she's trying hard to be more honest, it's just that for so long no one gave her a reason to be, and no one tried to help her to be.

Another example, my own lass has somewhat of a confidence problem. She's not at all very sure of herself in terms of how she wants to live her life. But with someone more confident such as myself to help her along, she manages more than fine and is making big strides.

Using myself as an example as well, for the longest time I wasn't a very intimate person. I was very standoffish and didn't like human contact. Of course this was my way of dealing with problems in my life at the time, but it took some work to open up and be a more intimate person. It took a bit of gentle pushing from my lass, but ever since I've only ever become more intimate, and I'm happier because of it.

~Alja~

[allison]

i used to just care how comfortable i was with the person, and that they made me happy. but i am really messed up with what i want/ like now.. it's bad

[Kara]

but i am really messed up with what i want/ like now.. it's bad

Care to be more specific? I doubt you're as messed up as you think you are about it.

[Lyinginbedmon]

On to personality!

I've never really liked saying whether I liked someone or not by personality, because it's something I was heavily bullied for during most of my school period, and refused to change just to "fit in". Therefore judging someone for it makes me feel like all those little hell demons that made my life feel like being in the Maggot Pits.

I usually go for intelligent people, not that I've ever "gone" for anyone but in general my social group is a fairly bright bunch.
We have Becci, a philosophy and drama fan who enjoys refuting my scientific arguments with philosophical musings on the nature of "reality" (We were in the same Critical Thinking course for a while, which helps).
We also have Yasmine, an English specialist who I very much enjoy considering literature and human nature with. A lot of my discussions go way over Yasmine's head but I admire that she always tries to keep up.
And then we have Oscar & Danny, traditionally my D&D players who are almost as geeky and nerdy as I am.
And for my wild card, someone who I was introduced to but have hung around, Gemma, the group's resident odd-ball nymphomaniac. Calling her an "odd-ball" says a lot considering I refer to everyone in this group, myself included, as "wierd". Gemma is the one that determined I'm more hetero than homo, by showing me a photograph of her in skimpy lingerie, and then a photograph of her boyfriend in the same skimpy lingerie and measured my level of disgust.

A generally pleasant demeanour helps, rarely have I entered into dealings with people who are just anti-social or demeaning to be around.

As previously mentioned, "wierdness" helps for me, because I can't really stand people who are just "normal", who blend in almost seamlessly with the general population. I always say that I'm strange and wierd and that's a good thing, because I'm more interesting that way, and interesting things are a big appeal for me.

[Cureless_Poison]

Past Partners: 0
Desired Traits: None
Status: Loner

First person I liked took a moron jock over me(5), second person had no interest what-so-ever(8 ), third person had no interest(12), and forth had some progress but me and a friend competed over her and we both screwed each other out of it.(15)

I don't care to try anymore. It's just a waste of time and I can spend my life doing things I actually enjoy instead.

When the hell did I reach 200 posts?!?

[Alja-Markir]

First person I liked took a moron jock over me(5), second person had no interest what-so-ever(8 ), third person had no interest(12), and forth had some progress but me and a friend competed over her and we both screwed each other out of it.(15)

See, here's the problem I think. You talk about the people you liked. Love isn't about you. Allow me to explain...

In my eyes at least, love is an overwhelming desire for someone else to be genuinely happy.

It's not about what you want, it's about what you want for the person you care about. If someone you care for chooses someone else over you, yes that's not what you want, but if you truly love them you will accept their choice and be happy for them. If someone you care for doesn't feel the same way about you, again, that's not what you want, but it's what will make them happiest. And if someone that you care about instead cares for yet another person, well damn, but it's what they want and what will make them happy. Instead of being jealous of the person who they are with, you should be happy for both of them. (Or in this case, your friend should have been the one to leave you two alone.)

Otherwise, you don't actually love the person. You're just infatuated and looking to use someone else to make yourself happy. That's just selfish.

~Alja~

[Lyinginbedmon]

First person I liked took a moron jock over me(5), second person had no interest what-so-ever(8 ), third person had no interest(12), and forth had some progress but me and a friend competed over her and we both screwed each other out of it.(15)

I don't care to try anymore. It's just a waste of time and I can spend my life doing things I actually enjoy instead.

It's probably best not to gauge your degree of romantic probability on occurences before 12.

[Alja-Markir]

i used to just care how comfortable i was with the person, and that they made me happy. but i am really messed up with what i want/ like now.. it's bad

Again, I feel it's not really about someone making you happy per se, but that if you really care for someone you will want what makes them happiest. They can love you and make you happy without you genuinely loving them back. And if you don't genuinely love them back, they deserve to know.

Still, some more information would be helpful, as Kara pointed out.

~Alja~

[jtaylor]

As another note, how important do you guys think being physically attractive is to a relationship starting?

if you really like someone you'll find something physically attractive about them

I agree with this.

I think it is important to have enough in common so that there is always something to talk about.

[CtMolloy]

To quote Queensryche: I don't believe in love.

haha.

I can't think of the top of my head what particularly attracts me to some women. I guess if they aren't annoying and stupid, and i do appreciate honesty and someone who can play an instrument, I guess it varies from person to person. Though the obvious physical attraction is always good.
I've given up the idea of ever having a girlfriend, heard the 'I just like you as a friend, you're a nice guy you'll find someone blah blah' speech a few too many times and just couldn't be bothered anymore.

Its alot easier to just mess around with whoever comes along.

[RandomCheese]

what makes you find the opposite sex attractive?

The fact that they're attractive.

What makes you tick about the opposite sex?

The fact that they don't find me attractive.


That's basically all of my expertise on the subject.