Getting a bit more "personal"

[Lyinginbedmon]

WARNING: The following thread involves adult topics and should not be considered for consumption by anyone under the legal age of consent, whether your parents have lax internet restrictions or otherwise.

Apologies if this seems perhaps a bit too taboo (Feel free to lock this thread if it's passing any boundaries), but I'm legitimately interested in knowing the experiences of others.

Recently, Channel 4 over here has shown a small series of programmes regarding sex, frankly and open without a care for social taboos.

Lately, there's been in the works a camping trip involving me and five friends, three of which are female, one of which among them is a diagnosed nymphomanic intending to bring some "mechanical" assistance.

Now, I'm 18 years old, attempting to grow a beard, off to Uni around September with any luck, and a darn sight more mature than most of my peers. I'm also a virgin.

The reason I collide the above three paragraphs is that this camping trip represents the largest possibility I have yet encountered where my previous statement may be invalidated, most likely via the nymphomanic (The group has the running gag that I'm the only she hasn't so much as managed to molest). I don't really have any sexual feelings towards, literally, anything, though it has been determined that either I have a distinct dislike for men in women's undergarments or I'm more hetero than homo. I generally consider myself nonsexual, being without sexuality.

I'm aware most consider the loss of their virginity to be some pivotal experience of their adult lives, but really I don't see why and bar some romantic scene elements to make it a story worth remembering I'd really just rather get it out of the way such that if and/or when I manage a committed relationship to that stage I have some knowledge of what I'm doing.

So, my question for those that feel up to answering (And if you do, please be honest for my sake, but feel free to be as detailed or vague as you want):

What was the "first time" like?

[Red Charlie]

Dude, you make me feel excluded from this thread. I too am a virgin, quite liking it really. So many people get off and going really? At your age? (I'm only 22)

But I agree there seems to be this big social push in the modern now adays to just have sex, meaningless, pointless sex for the fun of it. People still don't seem to realise what the consquences of sex are ment to be but thats just human nature, to interfere with our nature I guess.

In short I'm not going to tell you what to do or anything (if you were even looking for that, which you aren't), but just enjoy your trip is all I can say.

[Alja-Markir]

Don't have sex just for the sake of the physical act. Have sex for the sake of expressing your trust and feelings for someone you genuinely, fully, and selflessly care about. Make it an extension of intimacy and sensuality, not an act of lust. Although, your claims to be nonsexual mean that's not much of a fear on this trip, eh? *grins*

To be honest, I personally suspect you consider yourself nonsexual because so far you've not had the experience of meeting the kind of person who would make you want to be more intimate and sensual. Maybe you will be in the future. I know I had no interest in dating or sex until I met the right person.

Now, you asked to know about first times. Really, mine was very sweet, somewhat nervous, and just passionate and intimate. Lots of brushing fingers across skin, lots of holding and being held, lots of kisses and gentle snuggling, and a lot of exploring, very patient and careful and purposeful.

I wish everyone could have such a nice first time.

~Alja~

[Master Gunner]

I'm 17 and have a beard, and I too have yet to have sex. So this is mainly just my observations of other people, and my "intimate knowledge of the human psyche". If you have no sexual desires, don't worry about it. I stopped not too long ago, it's just not worth it. Sex as an act of lust and simply for the sake of having sex is meaningless, and I highly doubt will change you in any way. If you ever do meet somebody who stirs those desires in you, and *insert what Alja said*, then it's simply an extension and affirmation of everything else between you and that person.

There is far more to sex and virginity than just the physical act. Do what feels right and comfortable to you, don't force yourself into anything just to suit the views of those around you.

[zfubarz]

Welp i'm not gonna say don't listen to the first 2 guys, but I will give you way different advice.

Passionate sex with someone you love is indeed great, and has the potential to be better than regular sex that's for sure.

BUT, Sex is fun, a hell of a lot of fun, I'm in a long term relationship right now and it's been going on for over 2 years now, the sex is stilll great because we know that, we actually laugh a lot in bed, cracking jokes, tickling etc.

I've been in relationships before where it got boring after a month or 2 because we kept it too serious. sure it was passionate and we wanted each other, but in the end there's still only so much you can do to each other while keeping things that way.

I've also had flings, been with friends a couple times and then called it quits and so on, and that was great too, stayed friends, were closer because of it actually.

So i'm gonna say this once and think about it and if it makes sense take it to heart.
Sex does not have to be sacred!
If you find the person you want to be with forever? That's fantastic, make your sex life work in whatever way will make you both happy.

Whatever makes sex enjoyable though is fine (as long as it's not hurting anyone else.)

Sorry looking back on it that's a lot of disjointed thoughts, hope any of it helps.

Oh and i don't know you personally, your beard might look great, but if you're trying... don't just get rid of it, believe me girls rarely like a sad attempt at facial hair.

Also be safe man. seriously you're too young to get the clap or something and you don't want that.

[OMGItsSarah]

Really, mine was very sweet, somewhat nervous, and just passionate and intimate. Lots of brushing fingers across skin, lots of holding and being held, lots of kisses and gentle snuggling, and a lot of exploring, very patient and careful and purposeful.

I wish everyone could have such a nice first time.

~Alja~

You're lucky.

[Darkobra]

I have the philosophy of "If you're not doing it with a person you love, don't do it." You don't have to marry the person to know you love them. Sex is all about showing love, otherwise it's just shallow and meaningless.

Rather your first time be with special than a nameless scratch on your bedpost.

[Lyinginbedmon]

To respond to some statements, I consider the two variants of sex (Romantic and recreational) to be two different virginities.

Why not, I guess? After all, if the porn industry teaches us anything it's that vaginal and anal sex are different virginities. Personally I hope never to learn the difference.

This particular potential instance would be the loss of my recreational virginity, which holds pretty little importance given that it is perceived as having little consequence or emotional impact save a release of pleasure hormones in the brain.

I consider myself nonsexual because I have no sexual attraction towards either sex, I can see the purpose and the conceivable (hah) uses of sex, but none of them interest me in any particular way. This could very well change over time, it may be I'm actually bisexual, or even just plain ol' heterosexual. Right now, I'm the MTV generation of sexual intercourse.

But at heart, I'm a big romantic. When writing couples I like to write them getting together in dramatic fashion, in time-honoured settings and circumstances that tug at the heart strings and reach for the tissues. I like watching love-genre movies and indeed I'm often the go-to-guy for emotional or relationship advice whenever friends of either gender need it. (Rather oddly I'm also the group's local rendition of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", I'm still trying to work out that one...)

So when finally, likely many more years down the line, I risk the chance of losing my romantic virginity, I at least know what I'm doing to some extent. I'd rather the occasion be an effective expression of romance, love, and adoration than simply fumbling about trying to get so much as a thin layer of latex over a blood-filled expectant appendage.

And yes, I'm fully aware of the pregnancy and medical risks of the act, which apply in every event. Fortunately whilst my potential mate is a nymphomaniac, she prepares adequately for every occasion, she's on "the pill" (By her testament she's even been a test subject for alternatives in the past) and keeps condoms about her person for literally every excursion. Being a virgin with clean parents, the odds of my already possessing anything are essentially zero.

[JesterJ.]

People like feeling good. Sex is a (relatively) VERY easy way to feel good. Therefore, people have sex.

Why should you only do it if you're in love?

/Devil's Advocate.

[Cureless_Poison]

Sex is not special. It's nothing more than reproduction, the ultimate goal of any life form.

I'm 18 and I have a thin goatee, but it will be full by around 20.

[Zivlok]

I just want to say that I'm 18 and I has no beard.

That is all.

[ptitqui]

Sex is awesome.
As long as you are old enough, do it safely and both parties are willing, I say go for it. Sex is as big of a deal as you make of it.

[goat]

I'm not going to say sex isn't fun, cause, believe me, it is.

What I am going to say is that all sorts of things can come out when you do it (besides girl/boy goo). Different people associate different feelings with the act. One of the most important things is to know where you both stand. The messiest endings come from two people having completely different ideas about what their encounter means. It's fine if you suss it all out afterward, but make sure you know where she is and make sure you know where you are.

As far as my first time, well... I won't say I regret it, but I would've liked to have done quite a few things differently.

Also, make sure you "wrap it before you tap it", or, at the very least, "don't be a dummy, cum on her tummy".

(god, this was hard to write and still convey my message seriously)

[Telaril]

Out of curiosity, Lyinginbedmon, do other aspects of intimacy (kissing, cuddling, etc) appeal to you at all? Have you met people you were interested in in that way, but who you didn't especially want sex with?

I ask because I've known several people who initially appeared to be asexual, but were, in fact, simply "late bloomers." I was one of those people. I had no desire for sex throughout high school (though there was one boy I "liked," it was more that I was interested in spending time with him than making out.)

As time went on, I changed a little. The idea of making out started to appeal to me in my early 20s, but I still had never met anyone I actually desired sex with. Eventually that happened, and I was very attracted to someone I liked and trusted (though I was not in love).

Even to this day, I'm only attracted physically to a very small percentage of people... probably less than 1%. This has led to my being classified as "picky," but I've come to the conclusion that the difference between making out with someone you WANT and trying to make out with someone you're "meh" about is huge. I wouldn't recommend trying to "just go through with" intimacy you have no desire for.

You may actually someday find someone who turns you on. It may not be until your twenties, or later. You may someday find someone you love, and find that love provides a motivation toward intimacy. I've known mostly asexual people who made themselves have sex and so far haven't heard any positives. You may be entirely different, however. Most of the asexuals I know who had sex just to do it were women.

Another strange question... do you masturbate? Do you think about the act of sex a lot, even if you don't think of specific people? All these questions might help you figure out if you really want sex or not. Because I'll tell you something... the wanting adds so much to the sexual experience. Sexual experience without any form of desire is rarely enjoyable.

[Cake]

I think taking advantage of, or considering the possibility of taking advantage of your friend who is a nymphomaniac is a horrible, horrible thing.

[korri]

Remember that it is hard for most people to keep sex just physical. More often then not one of the people involved starts to develop feelings. No matter if you think it won't happen, you don't know what the other people are thinking or truly feeling.

If you are going to do this, be careful emotionally and physically

[Morgan]

i'm sure you'll all be shocked to know that i side with jester and zfubarz. i'm glad you're differentiating between romantic and recreational sex and that you're thinking about these things so closely. i'm sure you'll make the right choice for you. i really think that you're first time should not be with the person that you intend to spend your life with, though. best to have enough knowledge to make a good first impression. the quality of sex is based mostly on your level of empathy, and it seems like you excel at that.

you'll probably change your stance on asexuality once you've gotten head :0

also, don't knock anal till you've tried it. jebus. am i right, ladies?

@cake: how is it taking advantage? i get the impression that the offer was put on the table by the friend.

[Interruptor Jones]

Um, nymphomania's not as cool as it sounds... Are you sure she doesn't just like sex? It's not like you need a psychological disorder to have a high libido.

OK, first time: AWKWARD. But that's just me :P After a few times the ouchiness went away and it was tons of fun. That was a long time ago, though, and honestly I'm more than happy to chill out and snuggle with some friends, and just wank whenever I feel like it. I currently fit the category of people who have sex inside a long-term relationship, because it's what I'm most comfortable with. However, I've known quite a few couples, most of whom eventually married, that are in open relationships or something outside the norm. If they're all happy, I see no reason to tell them what to do...

I would recommend, I don't know, friendly makeouts/groping as opposed to heading straight for sex, especially if it's something you'd be doing to get it out of the way. You do raise a good point about wanting to know what to do when it comes to future encounters, so er... oh, I don't know. Do whatever feels right for the both of you. It doesn't matter what your reason is, as long as it's YOUR reason. And as long as you're enjoying yourselves, there's no such thing as 'doing it wrong'. :)

[Alja-Markir]

Mmm, some decent points about recreational sex, even if it's a philosophy I disagree with.

I myself don't think there is anything wrong with using sex as recreation per se, but I would advise anyone who chooses to do so to approach it very carefully. It's vital to realize not only the physical dangers, but also the social and psychological concerns. Physical of course includes things like making sure your partners are disease free, and understanding the fact that no prophylactic or contraceptive is 100% effective, so "When in doubt, pull it out!" as they say.

Psychological and immaterial concerns are more difficult. As was said before in the thread, establish an understanding beforehand. What you expect, what they expect. People can have odd personality structures, often leading to strange kinks or fetishes or whatever. Some people want it rough. Some people want it really rough. Some people want you to pull their hair, bite them, and slap them savagely as you tenderize their loins. That may not sit well with you. Conversely, maybe you have some weird kink you want fulfulled. Don't pressure them to do things they may not care for either. They may not like it in the bum, despite mainstream pornography's insistance otherwise. Or in the hair and face, for that matter.

~Alja~

[Niko88]

Sex is fun in most all of its forms. That is kind of the reason we have sex apart from the whole reproduction thing. But you should make sure you are ready to have it. If you are asking people in this way (not to discredit the legit wisdom that has come out of this forum) you probably aren't ready.

So, hell, maybe try something. Feel around, touching, oral and what not. But you may want to wait on the act for a bit. Wouldn't want to jump the gun so to speak.

Apart from that, ask someone who you trust with this info and get a personal answer. It is amazing the different type of response you will get when asking someone to their face. And, again, a lot of the things people have said on here is very true.

In the end it is up to you. If nothing else, I hope you have fun camping and doing camp like things. I don't know what sex in a tent/camper is like but the people I saw while hiking a few years ago seemed to enjoy it. (<-- True story)

[empath]

Well, my technical first time was rushed, almost an ambush, in a cramped closet, with someone I only met earlier that evening. Being youthful and somewhat...er...'quick to excite', the experience was just about OVER before I'd realized it had begun.

Apparently, she had pulled me aside on a dare...


Later, my first steady girlfriend gave me a proper introduction to l'affaires d'amour that turned out much like Alja described.


Which was BETTER? Well, I can't remember who said it, but when it comes to orgasms, there's no BAD ones!

I mean, you're never 'in the salt mines', working away, then all of a sudden think: "yeah...yeah...y-UGGGHHH!! What was THAT?!?"


But I will endorse that recreational activities tend to be very short-term in the feedback, whilst having that act incorporated in a more involved evening of ...dare-I-say-it...romantic activities, you may find that the 'good feelings' aren't completely limited to that act, and as such, the good feelings will tend to linger longer.





And......*sigh*

fuckit.

Okay, lemme go get my cane

Being a registered Old Fart™, I'll really get personal and give you a LITTLE more than you want to know.

I've been married just over ten years, and...well, I can't even REMEMBER the last time my wife and I out-and-out fucked.

Yep, that old joke is TRUE: if you put a nickel in a jar for every time you have sex in the first year of your marriage, and then take a nickel out for every time after the first year, you will never empty the jar.

(and MAN, did we fill that jar...wow; one time- oh! sorry)


But basically our sex drives just...slowed down. Not completely, each of us has...well, what I'd call "occasional" impulses - thinking back and comparing to my bachelor days - and we just never seem to be 'in the mood' at the same time anymore. We're adults, if one's horny and the other's not, that person will just go take care of themselves. *shrug*

Now that I've hurt your brain, here's the POINT to what I've been saying:

We still are amorous and caring to one another, and frequently snuggle and do romantic things with one another, and often enough, engage in a little light petting.


AND THIS IS ENOUGH.



The...oh...indescribable feeling of snuggling up to her, and feeling her cheek nuzzling against my shoulder, or to be lying on my stomach about to fall asleep and then have her warm hand stroke down my back with obvious affection, or even to hop into bed just before she nods off and have her slip her perpetually icy feet against my toasty calves¹ to 'balance the heat'...well...

...it feels just as good as coitus. Maybe it's the relationship 'thinkery-fuckery' stuff enmeshing itself with the basic sensory experience, or maybe it's just down-to-earth close human contact that today's society kind of discourages, but it makes me feel good, and happy and content. And I'm satisfied with that.





So, in the end, I can't really say whether you should discourage 'anything from happening' or even possibly try for something.

I guess the best thing I can suggest, is to know for sure what you're all about, and do what you think is best.



Besides, you're EVENTUALLY going to do something that'll cause you or someone you care about deep, traumatic psychological damage. But that's okay because we're all HUMAN and FALLIBLE, and we ALL end up doing it, regardless. So maybe it's best not to worry too much about it, and just do what feels right.



Heck, just off the top of my head, perhaps you could privately speak with 'Ms. Active' and suggest a prank to pull on your friends; the two of you bunk down together, and after a while on the first night, you both pretend and act out a very...*ahem*...enthusiastic night of festivities if you will. Then, the next day, act as if nothing happened around your friends, to see how THEY take it.

Just a wild whimsy; it's totally up to you.



footnote: (damn I never thought I'd be annotating about THIS sort of thing...)
1. It's really not as bad as it sounds - I always find it a little too warm in bed, anyways, so she actually feels as good to me. Maybe just more proof we were meant to be together since we 'complete a Circle of Heat'

[Interruptor Jones]

Because I'll tell you something... the wanting adds so much to the sexual experience. Sexual experience without any form of desire is rarely enjoyable.

This, this! A thousand times this. Even if it's as simple as 'dang, we're both horny... let's get it on'. Sex is whatever you make of it, but sex with nothing behind it is a sad thing. ...In my opinion.

[Alja-Markir]

i'm sure you'll all be shocked to know that i side with jester and zfubarz. i'm glad you're differentiating between romantic and recreational sex and that you're thinking about these things so closely. i'm sure you'll make the right choice for you.

Aye, just the fact that the thought is going into it and the questions are being asked is a good sign of a healthy attempt to understand human sexuality.

i really think that you're first time should not be with the person that you intend to spend your life with, though. best to have enough knowledge to make a good first impression. the quality of sex is based mostly on your level of empathy, and it seems like you excel at that.

Here, I kinda disagree slightly. I don't see the harm in saving yourself for someone you hope to spend your life with, so I disagree with saying you should not do so. Think that's mostly up individual choice.

Conversely though, I do understand the value of exploratory sex. Expecting to spend the rest of your life with someone you've never had sex with is kind of like expecting to live happily ever after in a home you've never been inside. Personally, I think if you haven't had sex with someone, you don't know them well enough to entertain that kind of thinking.

So in a way, perhaps I'm saying I think people should have their initial forays of sex with friends? I mean, you need to know them reasonably well, you need to trust them, but you don't want to enter into it with firm expectations or anything. Besides, every lover, spouse, and soul mate was someone's good friend first.

~Alja~

[Brad]

Wow... Morgan and I are on mostly the same page... I feel a bit dirty.

You've stated in other places where you stand on sexuality, so if it is nothing to you, don't worry about it. You really ought to give it a go though if you can. You might find it changes your perspective on it. Now, if your first time works out to be with someone you share a meaningful connection with and can love, hey, that isn't just sex. It's great. Better than sex, by all means, and always what should be strived for in any kind of a serious relationship.

But just sex is pretty alright too. When I was in your situation, I would've taken whatever I could've gotten. I was lucky, I got the former. But some people shun the most ecstatic, human act possible hoping for a fairy tale. Life doesn't always work out like that, and to be honest, special and loving or not, your first time is six kinds of awkward.

As the school of fish said to the scuba diver, dive in and learn something.

[Brad]

Wow... Morgan and I are on mostly the same page... I feel a bit dirty.

You've stated in other places where you stand on sexuality, so if it is nothing to you, don't worry about it. You really ought to give it a go though if you can. You might find it changes your perspective on it. Now, if your first time works out to be with someone you share a meaningful connection with and can love, hey, that isn't just sex. It's great. Better than sex, by all means, and always what should be strived for in any kind of a serious relationship.

But just sex is pretty alright too. When I was in your situation, I would've taken whatever I could've gotten. I was lucky, I got the former. But some people shun the most ecstatic, human act possible hoping for a fairy tale. Life doesn't always work out like that, and to be honest, special and loving or not, your first time is six kinds of awkward.

As the school of fish said to the scuba diver, dive in and learn something.