EXT hill on the outskirts of ANCIENT JERUSALEM. A PROPHET crests the hill, taps his staff forcefully on the ground, and begins to speak.
PROPHET: Hear me, o sinners! Thou shalt beware, for thy afternoon temperature shalt be a high of 40 degrees centigrade! And thou shalt experience a humidity of 80%. And be fearful, for thy humidex shalt be 48 degrees.
PROPHET: And thou shalt wear light clothing that breathes, and a hat to keep thy head out of the sun, for thy UV index shalt be eight! And should thy disobey and not wear a hat or loose clothing that breathes, God shalt smite thee with sunburn!
PROPHET: And thou shalt keep thy elderly and very young indoors and in the shade, for thy heat shalt be extreme such that thou must be warned. And should thou be unable to keep thy elderly and very young in the shade, thou shalt taketh them to a place near the water or seeketh out a place of shelter from the sun and heat. And should thou fail to obey these commandments, all those who do not seeketh a cool place of shelter shalt suffer heatstroke!
PROPHET: And thou shalt drinketh much water throughout the day. And should thou not drinketh water, thou shalt suffer the agony of dehydration!
PROPHET: And now, let us pray! O Lord our God, Sovereign of all existence, who hallows our lives with commandments, bring us thy holy cold front, that we might get a seventy percent chance of precipitation and fifteen millimeters of rain, followed by an average daily high of only 27 degrees!
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