I would like to share with you my Evil Inc. script for LRR!

[Pretzelcoatl]

Evil Inc. have always been my favorite characters, and I wanted to have fun with the villain-henchman dynamic. I sent this to the crew a good while back, and as I haven't heard back from them (not that I expected to, but one can always hope!) I thought I would unveil it here for your enjoyment.

New Henchmen, or Trouble in Evil Paradise

Characters:
Paul – The head of Evil Inc.
Graham – Johnson, the assistant
Marvin (Matt?) – Consultant brought in by Paul; is a dick
The CEO of VillainTech (James/Morgan?) – A corporate exec.


Scene 1 - The executive office of Evil Inc.
Graham enters the room with paper monogrammed with ‘Evil Inc’. Paul sits at his breakfast nook.

Paul: Ah, good morning Johnson. Does the day bring particularly evil news?

Graham: Indeed sir. As per your orders, our top agents have succeeded in infiltrating every major sunscreen factory in the world. Also, I picked up your monogrammed stationary.
Holds up the paper.

Paul: Excellent, then phase two is complete. Now, for the final phase of my master plan, we imperceptibly dilute the world’s supply of sunscreen with small amounts of water.

Graham: I’m sorry, what?

Paul: Don’t you see? The fools will think they’re using SPF 50, but it’ll really only be about SPF 48!

Graham: So people will…get slightly more tanned than they expected?

Paul: They’ll never know until it’s too late. It’ll be sheer inconvenience!

Graham: Nope, that does it, that’s the last straw.

Paul: Perhaps you aren’t grasping the intricacies…

Graham: There are no intricacies. There never are! Your plans are consistently grandiose and completely ineffectual.

Paul: You always said you liked my evil plans!

Graham: I was humoring you, but you were too dumb to realize it! No more. From now on you’ll have to find another henchman to do your bidding. I quit.
He walks out.


Scene 2 – The executive office of VillainTech, a competing evil corporation.
Shot of a phone book advertisement that reads
VillainTech
a Nefarious Enterprises subsidiary

Cut to establishing shot of an office building with sign that reads the same.

Boss: Your resume is quite impressive, Mr. Johnson. Over 20 years of experience specializing in Henchpersonship and relevant fields. And it says here you co-invented the obsequious bow?

Graham: (modestly) Well, I really only added the groveling flourish.

Boss: I don’t see any need to drag this interview out. Welcome to VillainTech, you’ll start right away. In fact, we’ve got a stack of shark pit insurance forms that need to be filed by six o’clock sharp.

Graham: Filing? Forgive me, but that’s not especially evil, is it?

Boss: What’s not evil about filing?

Graham: I just thought I’d be a little more hands-on. Cater to your mad whims, indulge your impractical ideas, that sort of thing.

Boss: We’re not your grandmomma’s evil masterminds, Johnson. You may not be on the front lines as much as you’re used to, but you’ll sleep soundly at night with the knowledge that you’re a well-oiled cog in our evil corporate machine.

Graham: Oh.

Boss: Come on, I’ll show you to your cubicle.


Scene 3 – The executive office of Evil Inc.
Paul sits at his desk across from Marvin, a consultant.

Paul: I appreciate you coming in on such short notice.

Marvin: I don’t usually do henchman consulting, but the price was right.

Paul: You understand the necessity of bringing in someone from outside. I can no longer trust my slavish yes-men employees to honestly critique my evil schemes.

Marvin: Didn’t you make criticism punishable by death?

Paul: It’s a clause in their contracts. But that’s why you’re here. I’ve changed my ways, and I need your brutal, unadulterated candor.

Marvin: Well let’s get right to it. Hit me.

Paul: Here’s my latest, and dare I say greatest plan. We domesticate an entire army of hummingbirds, and train them to…

Marvin: (cutting him off) That’s a bad idea, and you should feel bad for suggesting it.
Awkward silence.

Paul: Okay, we could…

Marvin: No, that sucks even more.

Paul: I didn’t even…

Marvin: Trust me, it’s terrible.

Paul: Okay, okay, I appreciate your honest opinion.

Marvin: I enjoyed giving it.

Paul: But how about this one. We build a machine that burrows underneath the crust of the Earth and swaps every fossil from the Jurassic period with a fossil from the Cretaceous period! The archeologists will be downright perplexed! Here, just take a look at these blueprints.

Close-up of paper with a crudely drawn picture of a giant drill, as well as notes in the margin that say
Features
-Grandiose
-Ineffectual
-Kickass

Marvin: What the hell is this?! This plan isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

Paul: Well…it’s very expensive paper. Did you see the monogram?


Scene 4 – A cubicle in VillainTech
Graham is doing paperwork methodically and looking exceptionally bored. After a few seconds the phone rings. Graham looks at his cell and a close-up reveals the caller is “EvilInc”.

Graham: Ugh, not again.
He silences the phone.

Cut to Paul, alone in the dark at Evil Inc.
Paul: Hey Johnson, it’s me again. Well, I guess you’re not at your phone right now. Um, I just wanted to let you know that my new henchman is totally cool, and things are working out great over here. Just great. So anyway, I made you a mix tape of me reciting my favorite evil plans. So, you know, if you want you can swing by and pick that up whenever. Or don’t. It’s cool. Maybe you’re in the bathroom now or something, I’ll call you back in a few minutes to check.

Back at VillainTech, the Boss walks in.
Boss: How’s everything going? All settled in?

Graham: Yeah, I guess so.

Boss: Well don’t get too comfortable, because I’ve got some great news. You’ve been reassigned to work on an exciting new project.

Graham: Fantastic, what is it?

Boss: You know every couple of weeks the good guy breaks into our secret base and breaks all our stuff?

Graham: I hate it when they do that. Oh, so it’s my job to set up traps to stop them?

Boss: Almost. See, last week Agent Zero broke in to my underwater volcano base and destroyed my priceless collection of three thousand porcelain dolls in a firefight. I’ll need you to find all the pieces and glue them back together.

Graham: (speechless) Y….

Boss: Now, the base flooded so you will be wearing a pressure suit, which might slow you down a bit. Still, I don’t expect it’ll take you more than four, five months tops.
He gives Graham a hearty pat on the back.

Boss: Go get ‘em!
The boss leaves, and Graham starts banging his head against the desk.


Scene 5 - The executive office of Evil Inc.
Marvin and Paul at the desk.

Marvin: …and that, in my professional opinion, is why your idea not only blows, but indicts you as a worthless leader and human being.

Paul: Yes, I see. Wow, in two days you’ve saved me from thirty-seven ill formed plans. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

Marvin: I’m glad I can help.

Paul: I certainly have a lot more free time now. I’m thinking of taking up crochet.

Graham knocks/peeks into the room.
Graham: Hey, um, I was wondering if I could have my old job back?

Paul: (to Marvin) You’re fired.
Marvin shrugs and gets up to leave, then stops.

Marvin: I’m still getting paid for this, right?

Paul: Yeeeeeeeeeees…talk to my secretary.
Marvin exits.

Paul: (quickly, into an intercom) Kill him!

Paul: Welcome back, assistant.

Graham: It’s good to be back, sir.

Paul: (with renewed vigour) Now, listen closely. We’re going to domesticate an army of hummingbirds, and train them to carry a giant net across the pacific and kidnap the entire Japanese parliament for ransom. Of course, we’ll need to hire several professional hummingbird trainers, are you writing all this down? And also make very tiny whips to beat them when they’re not paying attention…

Close-up of Graham as Paul continues speaking.
Graham: (aside) “…damn.”

[Pretzelcoatl]

BONUS CONTENT! (A verse from the alternate version of Metal Gear Solid in my head where Liquid Snake is a gangsta rapper.)

They say you got the dominant I got recessive genes,
But why’s yo snake so small while mine is bustin’ at the seams?

Bitch you can kill me six or seven times I’ll nevah die
I’m livin’ on inside this arm that’s on another guy.

[Tim]

There's a "Video Suggestions" forum for this.

Although to be honest, there's probably a higher chance of your script being used if you send it directly to one of the crew members by email. (Their addresses are [email protected], like [email protected], etc.)

[Pretzelcoatl]

I sent this to the crew a good while back, and as I haven't heard back from them (not that I expected to, but one can always hope!) I thought I would unveil it here for your enjoyment.

Ah, I'm not suggesting a video. I just thought someone might get a kick out of reading my script.

[Allen!]

That freaked the hell out of me. The thread got moved as I was reading it, and it moved me to the Video Suggestion forum. Bloody hell.

[Pretzelcoatl]

Aw, now it's doomed to obscurity on the Suggestions forum. I just wanted to put it out there for you guys to read.

[Paul]

We liked that script Pretzelcoatl. Probably going to give Evil Inc a rest for a little while, though. We don't want to over use him.

I get that it wasn't a "suggestion" per-say, but the Suggestions forum is really the more appropriate place for fan scripts.

[Graham]

Yeah, we've actually received a lot of Evil Inc script suggestions, and some weren't so hot. I really quite liked this one, we just had other Evil Inc stuff going on at the time, so it got sort of pushed back.

I still like it though, thanks for the reminder!

[Lyinginbedmon]

I get the impression James would be better as Marvin, with Matt as the Villain Tech head.

Other than that, very nicely done.

[Allen!]

I get the impression James would be better as Marvin, with Matt as the Villain Tech head.

Other than that, very nicely done.

I'd say Brad as Villain Tech head.

[tak197]

I get the impression James would be better as Marvin, with Matt as the Villain Tech head.

Other than that, very nicely done.

I'd say Brad as Villain Tech head.

Or Nate as Marvin.

[Evil Jim]

I really enjoyed the script. It definitely felt like LRR. Thanks for sharing.