Ask Kathleen! v2.0

[pvande]

Dear Kathleen,

Now that we know what your latent mutant powers are, can you shed some light on the unfortunate circumstances under which you gain[ed] them, and the tragic past that causes your characteristic [mis]behavior?

Channeling the wisdom of the Dutch,
- pvande

[Kathleen]

Dear Kathleen,

There are too many stupid people. What can I do to combat this? (Besides working to not be stupid myself, that's trivial.)

Sincerely, Melendwyr

Dear Melendwyr,

If I have to hang out with the borderline retarded every day, so do you.

Sincerely, Kathleen

-----------------

Dear Kathleen,

TL, DR. Grad school, concerns, applying, ZOMG.

tak197

Dear Tak,

Cover your bases and apply to several schools. They usually only look at your last 60 credit hours anyhow (since it's a bit silly to consider first year grades - even the most brilliant people may have some really terrible grades from misguided course selection on their transcripts.) If you don't get in right away, do what my friend Gerald did - take some more undergrad classes, then apply again. He got accepted into Columbia in NYC.

Kathleen

----------------

Dear Kathleen,

What the frack is this TL, DR business? I appear to have missed that memo.

Yours confuzzled,

RC


RC - Too Long - Didn't Read.

S, KD

--------------

Dear Kathleen,

Am I initiated into the question-asking practice, as I seem to be one of a very small selection that still asks mature and relevant questions.

Sincerely, Tim (Yet again)

Dear Tim,

Why not.

Sincerely, Kathleen

----------------

Dear Kathleen,

Why is Alja-Markir so intent on being catapulted into the Atlantic?

Yours etc.
Capt. B.J. Smethington


Dear Captain,

Perhaps he wants to get to the Bahamas, but really cheap.

Etc, etc,
Kathleen

-------------

Dear Kathleen,

How are the "Sixty Days of Salad" working out for you, Graham and your friends who are participating?

Sincerely,

Oxford


Dear Oxford,

It's been crunchier than normal food.

Loudly,
Kathleen

--------------

Dear Kathleen,

I have noticed that as girls breasts grow, they get stupid. Do girls use brain matter to grow breasts? Did you find a way to re grow you brain?

Yours, Angry Misoginistic Nerd.


Dear Kathleen,

Why is being on the football team attractive while being on the chess and/or debate team isn't?

Yours, Nerd who can't get a date.


Dear Nerd

1) Breasts are made of fat. If you think girls with big boobs are dumb, perhaps your brain is made of fat, just like a breast. Perhaps this is where you got this stupid idea. Stupid girls come in all shapes and cup sizes.

2) Society tells weak minded people who want to fit in that guys on the football team are more attractive than people who aren't. I can't possibly fathom why people would think this. Actually, I'm probably a terrible person to answer this question. Graham doesn't even own a pair of running shoes, and I think he's great. My biggest celebrity crush right now is John Darnielle. http://www.themountaingoats.net/
I am the worst person to ask ever.

Yours,
Kathleen, OMG John Darnielle touched my hand and looked me in the eyes when I saw him play at Richard's *melt*, De Vere

------------

Kathleen,

I'm a High school teacher. I recently had a student inform me that he uses steroids "all the time." I did as I was trained and notified his guidance councilor, the At-risk coordinator, and the Dean. The problem is that the student is one of our star athletes. I was called into a meeting with all of the people mentioned above with the addition of the head coach. I was informed that there would be no drug test, and was forced to sign a contract stating that if I told anyone else about the incident (parents, the media, and the like) I would be fired. The Dean made it perfectly clear that if I was terminated in this way, it would be next to impossible for me to find another job.

The way I see it, I could break my contract and report the incident to the powers that be. This may save the student from possible death, but destroy my future in a career I love.

What do I do?

Dear ENGeek,

Holy shit, speak to a lawyer specializing in labour law. Seek professional advice.
If you are really concerned about this, find another job (in another town, possibly state) and tip off the media.

Like seriously, holy crap, Kathleen

PS - Nanowimo winner? Can you give me some writing tips?

---------------

Dear Kathleen,

Plastic surgery continues to increase in prevalence, what is your opinion of the "perfect image through Barbie transmogrification" culture on the rise?

Should women pay exorbitant amounts of money to be pulverised on a surgery table to look "pretty"? Is there really that much point to doing so?

Sincerely, local concerned philogynist, Tim


Dear Tim,

If they want to fill their bodies with strange fluids, it's up to them. Personally, I prefer to generate all my own fluids because they are free. I am old fashioned that way.

Average looking at best, and probably not going to change,
Kathleen


-------------


Dear Professor Kathleen,

I honestly can't remember the last time I hung out with friends.
If I had to make a guess I'd say around my birthday - And that was November 30.

Friendlessly yours,
Sasha


Dear Sasha,

Call your friends then I guess. They probably miss you.

Racking up the phone bill as I type,
Kathleen

[Kathleen]

Dear Kathleen,

what is better the portal gun or the cake (alternately there is a musical ninja in the conner I call it the beat NINJA)?
sincerely N3RV3.


Dear NERVE,

What? Huh?

Sincerely,
Kathleen

-----

Liebe Kathleen,

my 67 year old mother often doesn't eat that much. When asked why, she replies that she doesn't want to get fat.
At flea-markets she's always looking at dresses for little children. I'm afraid that she sees those tiny dresses as a role model for herself and starves herself to death to fit into them.
How should I approach this situation?

Mit freundlichen Grüßen
Casandro


Liebe Casandro,

I would suggest you talk to your mother honestly, and let her know how concerned you are. There is no easy answer for this. Good luck,

Kathleen

--------

Dear Kathleen,

Do you think LRR could celebrate the wonderous gift the Graham has brought to us?

A day were we celebrate the replace of the f with the ph?

Maybe we could call it, phff day.

Yours phingly,

RC

Dear RC,

You have my blephing.

Kathleen

-----------


Dear Kathleen,

Is there any chance that you could turn these questions around on us, with much ensuing hilarity?

With much adoration and fanhood,

Zed.

Dear Zed,

Yes. I'd say there's a good chance.

Kathleen

-----------

dear Kathleen
I also forgot to ask where is the second F in double stuf oreos?
I really want to know where the sad and lonely f is. :<
sincerely N3RV3 who thinks they should be double stuph oreos!

Dear NERVE,

Huh? I'm sorry, I don't play pokemans.

Love,
Kathleen

---------

Dear Kathleen,

Have you ever truly thought about the fact that thousands upon thousands across the globe watch you every day, perched on the precipice of your every word?

Yours sincerely,
MooseBlaster

Dear MooseBlaster,

No. I'll be sure to put in more appeals for these people to send me money then.

Yours Sincerely,
Kathleen

P.S. - I still have some money left under my RRSP contribution limit, nudge nudge, wink wink.

---------

Dear Kathleen,

I would like to submit Vaughn's suggestion as a front runner the celebration of the Ph.

Yours Democratically,

RC


RC,

Sure, why not?

Yours in oligarchy,
Kathleen

----------------

Dear Kathleen,

How the hell do I get out of Tennessee?

(That would be a good movie. Escape from Tennessee!)

Signed, Shea, the involuntary redneck.

Dear Shea,

[url]maps.google.com[/url]

Signed,
Kathleen, I lived in a town of 3,000 people for 13 months so I feel your pain, De Vere

--------

Dear Kathleen,

Is Nightwish a good band?

Sincerely,
What?, the musically insecure.

Dear What?

No.

Sincerely,
Kathleen

P.S. - listen to what makes you happy, not what people think is cool.

-----------

Dear Kathleen,

I have index cards and pens. What should I draw?

Sincerely,
Dane


Dear Dane,

A butt.

Sincerely,
Kathleen

-----------

Dear Kathleen,

I'm wearing a hat that isn't backwards. Do you like it?

Sincerely, your head.

Dear my head,

My inner wannabe white rapper is really sad now.

Sincerely, my brain.

------------

Dear Kathleen, I'm am a yoyoer and it seems to be a real turn off doing something that nerdy, and I'm the only one in town who does this:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... qwOG7c29CQ

So no one want's to talk to me, how to I fix this with out giving up yoyoing?

Dear CM,

Don't give up on something because people don't think it's cool. It's not technically "cool" to play the accordion, but that doesn't make it any less awesome. Talk to people on the internet who share your passion.

Sincerely,
Kathleen

-------

Dear Kathleen,
Have you ever thought about doing a collaborative "ask LRR" or something with Alex, or are you two competing for question-answering dominance?
With a witty stand-in for "sincerely",
HomeBurger

Dear Homeburger,

I think ask an alex is really funny, but very different. Occasionally I dispense helpful advice. Alex is more of insane forum fun, and I'm like an ill-tempered Ann Landers with a sarcasm addiction. It would be a little hard for us to collaborate. We live thousands and thousands of kilometres apart.

With a witty twist on your stand-in for "sincerely".
Kathleen

---------------

Dear Kathleen,

What shall we use to fill the empty spaces, where we used to talk?
How shall I fill the final places?
How should I complete the wall?

Dear Shea,

How shall I fill The final places?
I think I'll fill them with Pink Floyd albums.

Kathleen

----------

Dear Kathleen,

Why isn't there an ask Graham part of the Phailhaüs? I think it would go over just as well as your Ask Kathleen segment.

-Truly Yours

Keanan

P.S. I <3 you Kathleen



Dear Keanan,

Nobody asks Graham, so he doesn't answer. How many advice columns do you people need?

Truly Yours,
Kathleen

P.S. You barely know me. Once you have smelled how bad this one pair of my shoes stinks, I don't think you'll love me anymore. They are awful.

---------

Dear Kathleen,

We have seen Graham dance several times in various videos. What kind of dancing do you like best, and did you dance the dance of the senses to draw Graham into your web?

Best Regards,

WordNerd

Dear WordNerd,

I like jumping up and down and rocking out while watching a band, tapping your toes and bobbing to the beat at a concert, not traditional dancing. I actually cannot dance any better than you see in the phailhouse videos.
Also, if I had tried to dance for Graham, it would have probably acted more as a repellant than an attractant.

Regards,
Kathleen

-----------

dear kathleen,

what is the question to life the universe and everything?
(6 times 7 has been disproven)

sincerely Agrajag

Dear Maxman14,

It is said, (but probably not exactly like this because I'm too lazy to look this up, so I'm doing it from memory) that if we were ever to know the question to the meaning of life, the whole universe would disappear, only to be replaced with something even more strange and incomprehensible than the universe we're already in.

Sincerely,
The Guide

----------

Dear Kathleen,

My best friend is a blond idiot what do I do?

-kkief02

-Kkief02

Buy them some hairdye.

-Kathleen

---------

Dear Kathleen,

My best friend abuses me, and not the 'Oh Mi Godz i is teh kill you' way ... Okay maybe it is, What do i do?

P.S the police don't believe me so ... what do i do, so lost and confused

-~Alice

Dear ~Alice,

Contrary to your belief, this person is not your best friend. Stop hanging around with them. They sound ridiculous.

-~Kathleen

----------------

Dear Kathleen,

If women don't want to be objectified, then why do you wear such low-cut shirts?

Sincerely,
Dane. (frustrated LAWL-MART cashier)

Dear Dane,

So we can show other women how great our boobs are.

Sincerly,
Kathleen. (Mine are AWESOME!)


----------

Dear Kathleen,

How low can you go?

Toplessley,
RC

RC,

That's for me to know and you never to find out.

Topheavily,
Kathleen

-----------

Dear Kathleen,

Did you ever had an idea for a LRR video that you thought was really awesome but got rejected by the others because it was to weird/strange/filthy/etc ? if so what was that idea?

sincerely Codewolf,

Codewolf,

We filmed Brain Transplants made easy, and I spend like a full minute trying to lick myself. So no, not yet.

Sincerely,
Kathleen

------------

Dear Kathleen:1. Where do you go for music news, because pitchfork kinda sucks sometimes? 2. Do you prefer serious questions, or ones that borderline the mentally insane?

Dear Grif,

1) Music blogs, my roommate Adam (stuck in a car with your friends) who is just as crazy about music as I am, Popmatters, good independent record stores (zulu & redcat in Vancouver, ditch in Victoria) and yes, Pitchfork, as obsessed as they are with proving how awesome their taste in music is...

2) Both

3) Bands I love right now:

Gang of Four
Wire
Mission of Burma
Okkervil River
Crudo
Magnolia Electric Co. (album & band)
Hot Chip

Bands that can suck it because they are overhyped garbage:
Crystal Castles

Blah, blah, music blah,
Kathleen

P.S. Sasquatch was so good.

[Kathleen]

Dear Kathleen,

Now that we know what your latent mutant powers are, can you shed some light on the unfortunate circumstances under which you gain[ed] them, and the tragic past that causes your characteristic [mis]behavior?

Channeling the wisdom of the Dutch,
- pvande

Dear Pvande,

I got a papercut from a radioactive envelope. I don't have a tragic past, I'm just a jerk.

With the wisdom of 10,000 Homo DJs,
Kathleen

[Lyinginbedmon]

Dear Kathleen,

Is your answering of many many questions in this thread a sign that you are cutting back on video answers?

Sincerely,
Tim the very concerned

[Kathleen]

Tim,

Some of these questions are three weeks old. I answer about 2 questions per video, and I do a video MAYBE every 2 weeks.
You do the math.

I'm clearing out the backlog.

[tak197]

Kathleen,

Homo DJs? Their significance?

Nightcrawler IS dreamy...,

tak197

[CyberTractor]

Dear Kathleen,

You are so much cooler than words can describe for liking John Darnielle. I have been in love with him and his works for a many years now.

How did you find out about him, and what are your favorite songs by The Mountain Goats?

Love,
CT.

[Zed Alpha]

Dear Kathleen,

How much contact do you guys at the LRR Crew have with each other on a regular basis when not doing a video? About how far (on average) are you guys away from each other, geographically speaking?

With much admiration and laughing at your comedy,

Zed Alpha

P.S.:Oh my gods, please get me out of my swampy, stinky, redneck-y hell-anus that men call Wakulla County.

[kkief02]

Dear Kathleen,
Do you like your name? Did you ever wish it was something else?
Sincerely,
Kkief02

[Lavos]

Dear Kathleen,

Do you like me?

Your best friend, Lavos.

[tak197]

Dear Kathleen,

I enjoy reading your Korea Comics and, in fact, would like to see more of them in the future. Progress report?

Sincerely,

tak-"I can haz Jane as my BFF?"-197

PS: On another note, how can you be rubbish at kitchen-y stuff when you wrote up a Recipe book for Graham, complete with Protips? -tak

[CyberTractor]

P.S.:Oh my gods, please get me out of my swampy, stinky, redneck-y hell-anus that men call Wakulla County.

Come on up here to Okaloosa for a bit. Snow white beaches and emerald green water. ^_^

[tak197]

P.S.:Oh my gods, please get me out of my swampy, stinky, redneck-y hell-anus that men call Wakulla County.

Come on up here to Okaloosa for a bit. Snow white beaches and emerald green water. ^_^

CT, as gorgeous as that sounds, emerald green is such a dark shade of green, water that color may not be the best thing to swim in.

[Zed Alpha]

P.S.:Oh my gods, please get me out of my swampy, stinky, redneck-y hell-anus that men call Wakulla County.

Come on up here to Okaloosa for a bit. Snow white beaches and emerald green water. ^_^

CT, as gorgeous as that sounds, emerald green is such a dark shade of green, water that color may not be the best thing to swim in.

Better than stale-tea-colored. Wakulla Springs, as good as they may be, turn a very disgusting shade of orangey-brown every single time it rains. Every single time it rains. And it's infested with rednecks. Who I hate more than Barney, or Teletubbies.

[robleggatt7]

Dear Kathleen,
I recently emailed Paul, but did not get a response, does Paul actually check his LRR email address or am I considered "spam"
Thanks,
Rob Leggatt

Dear Kathleen,
What is your opinion on communism?
additionally, would you care for some Leninade?
Trying to think of a witty way to sign this question off,
Rob Leggatt

In fact...

Dear Kathleen,
Can you think of the most witty way to sign off a "dear Kathleen" question?
<Insert Answer>
Rob Leggatt

[Red Charlie]

Dear Kathleen,

Are you being driven mad now by the fact we're now just spamming even more questions after you answered the last 2 weeks or so worth of questions before?

Do you think we lust after your wisdom and knowledge and indispenable word?

Yours listening intently,

RC

[ENGeek]

Kathleen,

I'm a High school teacher. I recently had a student inform me that he uses steroids "all the time." I did as I was trained and notified his guidance councilor, the At-risk coordinator, and the Dean. The problem is that the student is one of our star athletes. I was called into a meeting with all of the people mentioned above with the addition of the head coach. I was informed that there would be no drug test, and was forced to sign a contract stating that if I told anyone else about the incident (parents, the media, and the like) I would be fired. The Dean made it perfectly clear that if I was terminated in this way, it would be next to impossible for me to find another job.

Dear ENGeek,

Holy shit, speak to a lawyer specializing in labour law. Seek professional advice.
If you are really concerned about this, find another job (in another town, possibly state) and tip off the media.

Like seriously, holy crap, Kathleen

PS - Nanowimo winner? Can you give me some writing tips?

UPDATE!

I went to the school board and presented them with all documentation surrounding the issue. I handed them e-mails and even a copy of the contract they had me sign. While I wasn't officially fired, I was advised to leave as i had stirred up all sorts of trouble. I was also assured that appropriate action would be taken against all parties involved.

I'm only 23 and I have already been dismissed for doing what I felt was right. This is the point where you turn the magic-8-ball over to reveal "outlook not so good."

Writing tips? I have plenty. I teach composition with a specialty in creative writing. Now the writing on LRR is amazing so I feel silly doling out tips here but...
My two big tips:

1 Read an author who has an amazing literary voice and try to emulate it. Trying on the voice of the greats is the best way to find your own. (I always try to sound like john Hodgeman or John Gardner.)

2 Just write--even if its shitty--just write. Always. The moment you stop writing and question what you're doing, writer's block will hit you square in the face. Worse if you stop for days, weeks, or (god save you) months, you may never be able to pick up your pen to finish your work. If you can squeeze out 500 words a day, then you are a writer.

Ps. Winning nanowrimo is easy. Just write 50,000 words in 30 days.

[foochong]

dear Kathleenator 3000

would you eat a jar of Vegemite ?

if you dont know what Vegemite is then here is the wikipedia link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vegemite
if you are willing to on film you will get mad props from all Australians btw

[flareism]

Holy flatulent goldfish. Give the Kathleen a break.

[kkief02]

Dear Kathleen,
What are you more afraid of Bears or Bumblebears
Big fan,
kkief02

[DaWhiteMage]

Dear Kathleen,

Of the two versions of the song Mad world, which do you prefer, Tears for Fears or Gary Jules? Or, do both of them make you rage with the red hot intensity of a thousand burning suns?

-Mage

[pikaqofborg]

ENGeek: I wouldn't worry about finding another job in a different district. All you need to do is under the why you no longer work there write something to the effect of, "Uncovered Steroid abuse in the athletics department and was fired for contacting law enforcement after administrators said that there was nothing wrong with it." Also contact law enforcement.

Kathleen: Your brain is mostly fat.

Angry Misoginistic Nerd: People who find they can get by on their looks usually do. Girls with big boobs can often fall into this catagory but big boobs is not enough.

[Cake]

big boobs is not enough.

Yes it is.

[ENGeek]

1. cake: Big boobs are actually not enough, friend. Big brains are better--trust me. the least attractive woman I know also has the largest breasts. The most attractive, my fiancee, has the biggest brains.

2. Pikaqofborg: I am having a hell of a time finding work. I have put more than a little thought into getting a teaching license in Canada.
This is largely do to Loading Ready Run dispelling myths I held about the region. There was a time when I truly believed it to be a barren field of snow filled with strange woodland-folk and the French. Now I see that this is not the case.

3. Dear Kathleen,

How does it feel to be an ambassador of your people?

unemployedly,
ENGeek