Timeline of the LRRd

[Lyinginbedmon]

• 14
  • Drunken bear politicians hire Mark the freelance theologian to write the Book of S(a)tan to compete with Christianity and the Bible. However, as he is also drunk, it becomes a complete failure.
• 1812
  • The War of 1812. Matt, Morgan, Bill, and James all participate in the war using their latent psychic abilities to set fire to the Whitehouse.
• 1816
  • Kathleen & Graham are married when they are found to be living together by an Irish Catholic priest.
• 1981
  • January 18th, The Professor's Fun House begins on cable access television.
• 1982
  • The Professor's Fun House is picked up by CFUR Ch9.
• 1991
  • The Professor's Fun House is picked up ABC.
• 1994
  • Stanley the Koala is killed in a car accident on March 30th
• 1995
  • The Professor's Fun House conclusively ends.
• 1998
  • Abra-Cadabra, starring Ernest the Rabbit, is released.
• 2003
  • LoadingReadyRun is created.
  • Paul receives the Phailinite Ring from Graham as a preventative measure again Phail radiation.
• 2004
  • Graham becomes stuck in the Mirror Verse, but finds the experience comfortable until sex is brought up. The precise cause of this event is still unknown.
  • Paul is killed by Conor to get back at Graham. After his body is dumped at the Homo Mortuus Reserve, he revives as a zombie. Having been dead already, his sentience is retained, the Phailinite Ring helped as well.
  • Gibb joins the LoadingReadyRun crew. Unsure of his actual species, he fills out his application under "synthetic/unknown".
  • Paul accidentally orders a metric tonne of soiled panties online.
  • Kathleen has a brief fling with Graham's laptop.
• 2005
  • Paul fends off Sarcasmo the Mind Demon to prevent him from destroying the creative talent of LRR.
  • In an alternate reality, Jer replaces his alternate self. He later returns to the current reality a few weeks after having left.
  • Graham accidentally burns Phailgas in his oven and awakes the next day vocally out of sync. Paul cures him using the Phailinite Ring's emanations on a video remote.
  • Johnny Lunchbox interns at LRR.
• 2006
  • Morgan is abducted by thought police, he is unable to say the "C word" for several months.
  • Graham gives up his black box protocol.
  • Graham loses a bet to Morgan and then Paul, who had made a bet with Morgan he could get Graham to lose the bet.
  • Gibb learns that he is in fact a Yeti.
  • James becomes a Hampire after consuming tainted ham. Bill and Paul contract similar illnesses, but are cured using the Phailinite Ring and Dayquil. James refuses similar treatment on the grounds that he enjoys the world smelling of sausage.
  • Graham, Morgan, and Bill's kitchen becomes unclean to a Lovecraftian degree. Attempts at kidnapping someone to clean it fail. It is later cleansed by fire when James seeks vengeance on Billy the badger.
  • Paul acquires 3 PS3s. They are quickly stolen and dispersed throughout the province.
• 2007
  • After poor New Years behaviour, Morgan seeks medical attention to have two chainsaws removed from his anus.
  • LoadingReadyLabs creates a mind-switching device from a Dreamcast. After significant side-effects, it is shelved.
  • Paul, Morgan, Bill, and Graham suffer from Musical Flu.
  • Paul suffers Phail radiation, installing Linux on various household items, and Graham.
  • The sun experiences erratic luminosity, but returns to normal within a month.
  • Graham unsuccessfully attempts to explain "Who's on First?" to Paul.
  • Gibb becomes a Death Eater after meeting Lord Voldemort.
  • Paul is driven to the brink of sanity when Graham enlists Morgan in his vengeance for defeating his bet in 2006.
  • Graham creates the Time Helmet. Future Graham visits using Time Helmet 2.4 (Placing Matt in Ursine Stasis) to warn against destroying the keytar.
  • Paul attempts to build an underwater utopia, then a treetop utopia, finally settling on an underground bunker on the moon.
  • Jer's personality dissociates itself, he manages to rejoin his mentality after several weeks of being incomplete. In related events, Jer's Gullibility is arrested for armed robbery.
  • Graham divorces from Morgan and gains full custody of the Xbox 360.
  • Paul is burgled by a pair of incompetent burglars. They are held off by Jer's pet duck, who Paul was caring for at that point in time.
• 2008
  • Graham & Matt move in together after misreading eachother's roommate ads.
  • The Internet is connected at G&M's apartment, but stressed to extremes until it stolen from three different neighbours to cut the bandwidth usage.
  • Matt suffers night terrors following the fall of HD-DVD to Blu Ray.
  • Due to high accident reports, Bagels are outlawed in LRR facilities and operations.
  • The LRR Orbiting Underground Bunker is completed.
  • Graham suffers Phail radiation, but is cured by Paul using the Phailinite Ring.
  • Bill returns from an extended stint with the NFO.
  • The Pre-Emptive Too Human Review project is begun by Kathleen. Future Matt & Future Graham, with Kathleen in an iPhone, visit to alter history by discouraging tomato consumption.
  • Action9 news gets their newsfeed mixed up and converses with staff of the Large Hamster Collider, instead of the Large Hadron Collider. The producer is fired within the week.
  • Using the tabletop Spore kit, Matt mixes his genes with Jer's and creates Tim Sevenhuysen. Tim thereon inhabits the moonbase and films the crew behind the scenes to pay for his continued existence.
• 2009
  • The Shark Armada falls to the Ursine Coalition for Picnic baskets in the Massacre of Duck 359.
  • James Allard is assassinated with a hurled Wiimote.
• 2010
  • The Ursine Coalition attacks Kirkland and Victoria, beginning the Bear Wars. Uwe Boll is killed ten minutes in, Action 9 News & Jeremy Michaels die when the A9N building collapses.
  • Evil Inc. falls to the Coalition on St. Joseph Island and their base becomes the new primary base to the bear forces.
• 2011
  • The Orbiting Underground Moonbase is infiltrated by Ghost Bears. James dies activating the self-destruct by overloading the reactor whilst Gibb distracts the intruders.
  • Matt & Morgan are hurled into space by the explosion, but are rescued by Future Canadaman.
• 2012
  • Kathleen is horribly mauled, Paul creates a Linux app (Oracle.exe) to install her consciousness on an iPhone. Graham retrieves her corpse from the Bear Fortress and successfully does so.
  • The Time Helmet 3.6 is developed by Paul, despite Graham's pleadings that it is presently useless.
• 2013
  • Tomato is found to cause anti-psionic food poisoning. The tomato stock is given to several bear armies as a peace-offering, then exploded with remote plasma mines.
  • Kathleen is downloaded from the iPhone into an upgraded Furby.
  • Ash joins the Ursine Coalition after deserting the Human Federation.
  • The NFO collapses as ninjas and ninja-fighters alike fight for their own survival.
• 2014
  • Stale 4th Bagels enter circulation as hurled projectiles. Steve is buried in the sewers by a cave-in as a result. The forces of living bears suffer massive casualties before adapting with Donut Armor.
  • Ash becomes evil ruler of the Ursine Coalition after poisoning Lord Bigfoot. Story Guy becomes her personal hitman, the Warriors of Darkness also leave the Federation and join the Coalition.
  • Using Gibb's death as leverage (Portraying the Federation as murderers), the Coalition convinces the Yetis to join them.
• 2015
  • Pat & Geoff are captured by Zombie Bears. Pat's final words are "Watch it grow!" before filling his devourer with expanding plastique and detonating the Bear Fortress. Geoff survives by using his rocker face to scare the explosion into submission.
• 2016
  • The crew receive a Time Helmet 4.8 from Future Paul dressed in 19th century garb, complete with anti-paradox technology to prevent head explosions
• 2017
  • The Ghost Bears salvage and partially rebuild the Yamato, it is captured just prior to completion by the Human Federation of Western Canada, lead by Bill & Jer with 300 neutral ninja forces.
• 2018
  • The Bear Wars officially end with the Battle of St. Alex Island.
  • Ash is killed, Story Guy kills the Warriors of Darkness when contracted mid-battle by the Human Federation.
• 2019
  • Paul pinpoints two points in history that greatly affected the Bear War continuity. Matt & Graham correct these points to favour the human sides, resurrecting James & Gibb in the process and restoring the Moonbase.
• 2020
  • Jer steals the prototype Time Wii 4.8 to travel to 2005 and trade places with his 2005 self. The attempt fails however, as Paul had previously altered the Time Wii to function within the Infinite Universes theory. However, he does succeed in preventing the Halo Wars.
• 2024
  • Kathleen is uploaded onto the Internets, accidentally causing a brief bout of ZOMGies in the Victoria area before being downloaded into Paul's Machinimaid.
  • Kathleen befriends the Superintendent whilst online, he goes on to manage the LRR website with Paul.
• 2026
  • Canadaman is elected President of the United States…of the Dutch. He acquires the Time Helmet 3.6 and goes back to 2011, but does not return.
• 2029
  • Paul traps the crew in London 1808 while experimenting with the Time Helmet.
• 2031
  • After 12 years, the crew returns from 1820 to the present year.
  • Kathleen receives a more visibly human body from Korea, modelled after her 2008 self.
• 2032
  • Graham travels to 2007 using the Time Helmet 2.4 to save his favourite band, Sunshine.
• 2033
  • LRR Season 30 reunion
• 2068
  • Ned Bitterman dies of old age in Panama, aged 86.

[kkief02]

I said it in the LRRcast thread, but I'm going to say it again, your timeline is epic.

[Lyinginbedmon]

Time Helmet Iterations
All Time Helmets following version 2.4 utilised a Phail reactor for their power supply, and versions 3.6 onwards are Linux-based.
One Minute Shorts
The Time Wii 4.8 prototype. Like the Time Helmet 4.8 this model doesn't malfunction in transit and contains anti-paradox technology. However, instead of traversing time directly in a solitary universe, it travels to that period in the next universe (If forward in time) or the previous universe (If backward in time) in the universal chain.

Jer stole the Time Wii prototype to trade places with his 2005 self and better aid the Human Federation against the Ursine Coalition, but finding himself in a different universe realised this would be ultimately futile, so travelled to 2009 and assassinated James Allard, thus preventing the Halo Wars from ever occuring.

Keytars
The original Time Helmet, has a high probability of malfunctioning, at one point even becoming lost during temporal transit. Graham created this version in 2007.

Also seen is Time Helmet 3.6, which no longer malfunctions. The previous 2.6 iterations were spent working that detail out, especially the "lost in transit" portion. Paul created this version in 2012, as well as most of the later iterations.

A Little TOO Human
Time Helmet 4.8, now features anti-paradox technology, allowing individuals from different time periods to meet without causing head explosions. This was created by Paul in the 19th century, and its development was what trapped the crew there for 12 years.

Paul travelled from the 19th century to 2016 to give one of his 4.8 versions to the crew of that period, allowing them to resurrect James & Gibb, restore the Moonbase, and effectively give the human race psychic abilities.

Oracle.exe
Oracle.exe was the program created by Paul in 2012 to convert Kathleen's consciousness into digital data and compress it enough to store on Graham's iPhone. This allowed Kathleen to contribute to the Human Federation after her death and made her essentially immortal as well.

Oracle.exe allowed Kathleen to use all the iPhone's applications and gave her limited access to its Internet capabilities. The iPhone had to be recharged every six hours that Kathleen was in operation, as Oracle.exe and her consciousness severely taxed the iPhone's power supply. Thanks to a radar app, Kathleen frequently served as a detection system, and an app that measured electronic interference allowed her to keep tabs on Ghost Bears within four miles. However, Ghost Bears handling the iPhone caused her severe pain while active due to the same electronic interference.

Despite the quick thinking of Paul and brave actions of Graham, Kathleen suffered some memory loss from the compression process and occasionally suffered temporary disorientation when her mind tried to use senses the iPhone couldn't supply.

The Upgraded Furby
Kathleen's first body after her death following the iPhone Oracle.exe program, Paul used a fourth generation Furby toy with a Linux core and significantly improved voicebox to house Kathleen.

The Furby was capable of minimal locomotion and WiFi & Bluetooth connections. Aside from a substantial electrical taser connected to its Phail reactor (At the time the smallest ever made), it was unarmed.

The Machinimaid
Powered by the stone of Graham's Phailinite ring and using a hybrid Linux-Mac OS core, the Machinimaid was Kathleen's first humanoid body following her death in 2012. It was perpetually dressed as a conservatively-attired French Maid as part of its design implementation and its face was redesigned following Kathleen's installation to more resemble her own.

The Machinimaid was approximately three times stronger than Kathleen herself was and contained three mid-power rifles in each forearm (The middle-most rifle extending from her palm) as well as a twelve-slot sequential rocket launcher in its back.

After severe motivation, Paul and Graham redesigned the Machinimaid chassis to allow Kathleen to wear clothing other than the French Maid outfit. As it contained the sequential rocket launcher's armored cover, the outfit remained Kathleen's battle attire until she acquired the Katlien body from Korea.

Katlien body
Unlike the Upgraded Furby or the Machinimaid, the Katlien body (Kathleen's third post-death body) was not armed or armored in any way and was designed to perfectly recreate her 2008 body's capabilities and functionality. Kathleen was happy to be as human as before her death (And effectively 4 years younger and timeless), though she lamented the loss of the Machinimaid's strength and "diplomatic" capabilities.

[Keith K]

You forgot the detail of how Paul transferred Kathleen from Furby to humanoid by means of his Dreamcast.

[DmitriW]

I nominate Lyinginbedmon for a high position in the Chorus of LRRmon Saints, for his epic work on this timeline.

[Evisr]

I.. I think my brain exploded

[Unclever title]

Nice , and kudos, Lyinginbedmon, on joining the Brain Destruction Using Only Words club. For reference see Cake's post here.

I always loved overcomplicated timelines in order to explain time travel. Plus you've always gotta have someone show up with a 19th century outfit if you're going to any time travel at all.

.......

It's just good manners?

[Lyinginbedmon]

Nice , and kudos, Lyinginbedmon, on joining the Brain Destruction Using Only Words club.

I think I've already done that, when I theorised Gibb's birth using a tube sock, Bill, mad scientists and masturbation.

[theduckthief]

Win!

[Zombaholic]

What did Gib do?

[Lyinginbedmon]

What did Gib do?

Gibb is mostly only useful when someone else's hand is up his hind-quarters.

In a combat situation, that gets a bit tricky.

That said, I could try and write him in as rallying yetikind to aid the Human Federation.

But question is: where is he now?

I considered that same prospect, short answer: Space.

Because it would be harder for Canadaman to find Gibb than Matt & Morgan.

[Mats]

What did Gib do?

I bet he was at the moonbase when the ghost bears came. They didn't know what he was either so they tried him on, causing their sharp claws to rip his delicate inside and sending him on a murderous rampage. It's was Gibb's strangling of bears that gave James the time needed to activate the self-destruct.

But question is: where is he now?

[Kara]

I nominate Lyinginbedmon for a high position in the Chorus of LRRmon Saints, for his epic work on this timeline.

Or perhaps he could be the Pope of LRRmonism?

[TheRocket]

1812 The War of 1812. Matt, Morgan, Bill, and James all participate in the war using their latent psychic abilities to set fire to the Whitehouse.

Wraith still gets hung up about this. Just wait... there will be a rant.

[huddlehouseninja]

*hunkers down in a bunker & waits for the rant*

[TheRocket]

Just you wait, he'll be all "wahh wahh I'm American." Then proceed to tell us how 'you may have burned down the white house but *insert many assholish things Americans did to retaliate here* AND we created McDonalds."


Jsut wait. It'll come.

[Cake]

You Canadians seem awfully proud that the British burned down the White House. And don't forget, that's because the Americans burnt down the Parliament buildings first.

[TheRocket]

[Evil Jim]

2008 The Pre-Emptive Too Human Review project is begun by Kathleen. Future Matt & Future Graham, with Kathleen in an iPhone, visit to alter history by discouraging tomato consumption.

Fixed!

Nice outline. If any of it starts coming true I'm going to crap my pants.

[Lyinginbedmon]

Just you wait, he'll be all "wahh wahh I'm American." Then proceed to tell us how 'you may have burned down the white house but *insert many assholish things Americans did to retaliate here* AND we created McDonalds."


Jsut wait. It'll come.

2008 Wraith complains about the crew burning down the white house.

Strangely that's the one I most doubt, I haven't seen him around here in a while.

Also I have no idea why I wrote Paul instead of Matt, I was definitely thinking Matt the entire time I was writing it...

[Evil Jim]

Don't worry. Even the pros get mixed up sometime. Remember Mark & Luke?

[Lyinginbedmon]

No need to worry, I'll just go back in time to Matt's birth and force his parents to name him Paul!


Or I could, y'know, just go back to when I typed the first post...Nevertheless, fixed.

Just while I'm here: Videos I've incorporated

• A Little TOO Human
• Any video with Action 9 News and/or Jeremy Michaels
• BioShocked
• Canadaman
• Daylight Savings
• Door-to-Door
• Emergency Situation (My theory is that Paul ran into the room whilst the sketch was being filmed, the camera man ran off before the explosion)
• Evil Inc. in general
• Grilled Cheese & other Story Guy videos
• Gibb (Any video with the character, as with Story Guy's inclusion)
• Halo: The Future of Gaming (Averted by Jer)
• High Noon
• Installation Anxiety (My personal belief is that Paul's time technology is Linux-based)
• Keytars
• Morgan's Problem (Arguable; see Pat's sacrifice in 2015)
• OMG Bears! (By way of the Bear Wars)
• One Minute Shorts (Part thereof, at least)
• Phail (Any video linked or theorised to be linked with it)
• Season 4 Finale (At what point do I say they ever stopped making videos? )
• The Professor's Fun House
• The Truce
• Unnatural Resources (Phail-powered technology like the time techs and the Machinimaid, again my personal belief)
• ZOMGies!!

[Lyinginbedmon]

Character Progressions
Canadaman - Actually from an alternate timeline with it's own Time Wii, Canadaman travelled to our universe to relax, but found himself in a world soon to be garbled by either the Halo Wars and/or the Bear Wars. After spending his time as a public figurehead during the Bear Wars, he resolved to help the world more after being made President of the Dutch, and used the Time Helmet to rescue Matt & Morgan. Using the original Time Helmet and LRR Rocket #9, he travelled back to 2011 and rescued them, then moving further back to 2006 and began working as a true superhero.

Story Guy - When the governments destabilised under the Zombie Bear assaults, Story Guy was left out of a job, so began working as a mercenary, predominantly for the Human Federation. When Ash came to power in the Ursine Coalition, she employed Story Guy as her personal hitman, paying him in cheese sandwiches and bullion bear statuettes.

Evil Inc. - Unable to find a working escape tunnel, Evil Inc. fell to the Ghost Bears when they assaulted St Joseph Island in 2010. Their base on St. Joseph Island (Later St. Alex Island after Alex Steacy for his work safeguarding Ontario) was used by the Ursine Coalition for most of the Bear Wars.

The Warriors of Darkness - Fought in Vancouver with the Human Federation, but found work under Ash more appropriate for their evil aspects in 2014. They eventually died fighting Story Guy when Ash was deposed and the Federation made him a better offer than "Nothing because I'm dead".

Steve - Immortal, Steve lived in the sewers of Vancouver for years before being buried in a cave in when 4th Bagels entered circulation as ammunition.

Ned Bitterman - Worked alongside Paul in programming Oracle.exe. Eventually died of old age in Panama in 2068.

Bill, Slayer of Ninjas - The Ninja Fighting Organisation caved in 2013 when ninjas and ninja-fighters alike began working for their own survival. Bill worked as one of the elites in the Human Federation, often alongside Jer.

Jer, Crouching Ninja - After his sifu master was killed by Ash when she joined the Ursine Coalition under Lord Bigfoot in 2013, Jer went on a tirade of vengeance for over a year before joining the Human Federation with many ninja allies. He was recognised by ninja kind as one of the greatest among them.

Action 9 News - All killed during the attack on Victoria in 2010. Jeremy Michaels died with them when the A9 News building collapsed.

Door-to-Door Satanists - Made peace with their Satan.

[Evil Jim]

Door-to-Door Satanists - Made peace with their Stan.

Fixed! . . . Just kidding. But if you're including "Deeply Religious" why not "The Writer's Room"? They already reference each other.

And no, I'm not obsessed with that video. It's just a coincidence. Really nice work on the timeline & continuity by the way. I have a couple ideas but I'm not sure I want to mess with your story.

[Lyinginbedmon]

By all means, let me hear your ideas. If one person makes all of this it's just one person's thoughts & opinions on the matter.

If lots of people contribute to it, it's more likely LRR will accept it

On The Writer's Room, it's kinda hard to place it chronologically. The documents discussed are ancient, but topics and locations are recent. Granted, I'm sure that means little in LRR continuity, but it helps.