The Mixed Emotion Thread

[goat]

A year changes a lot.

Almost exactly a year ago, I was standing in the middle of a river in a town I had come to love wondering what was going to come next. Since then, I've moved three times, broken up with a girlfriend, found a job I love, been excommunicated, bought a car, and become both more of and less of a real person.

A year changes a lot.

[Tycherin]

[quote="goat"been excommunicated[/quote]
What, by the Pope? Do they still do that? Awesome!

[epocalypse]

I got to admit, school starting up again tomorrow, and two weeks on from the last big incident I mentioned in here, I still haven't quite been able to regain my center. I tried to take time to recoup, but I'm still not there, and there are TOO MANY GREAT THINGS TO DO TO BE OFF BALANCE!!!!

[Danzama]

Shit GCSE grades =

College placement unaltered =

[gcninja]

horray college has officially start! only problem is one of my classes is only 8 weeks so twice the work, half the time but the other should be smooth sailing

[JustAName]

Just seeing a picture of him can give me that weird feeling where all my insides lurch and there's a jolt of fear that we're going to argue and I'm going to mess up, even though we haven't spoken in a long time. And then I'm just sad.

Why, him, of all people? Objectively, we never had that good of a relationship. He was the first one who cared, but he wasn't sure and I realized that I didn't know what I wanted and I'd just latched onto something that looked good but couldn't live up to the image in my head... it was over in less than a month, and we'd only ever seen eachother on weekends, when we had time off from school. My parents were strict, and his stricter. We never got far, once with my shirt partway unbuttoned and my bra pulled down in the park, and once on pirate day, after having dinner with him and his mother, the both of us downstairs in his section of the house, watching Sweeny Todd, my hand unbuttoning his pants until he stopped me because he was too nervous of his parents walking around the outside of the house and looking in and seeing.

I could say that when he was a good friend, he was a good friend, and that's true enough... but it's not enough. He understood me, I suppose. If you've known me a while, you'll probably know how much that means to me. But he didn't understand me entirely. We were both messed up. And I thought we both did the same in arguments, though later he told me it wasn't so. For my part, I would say something I knew could hurt or upset, half because I knew he would understand the meaning that I'd intended, the one that wouldn't hurt, and half because I knew he'd take it to wound, as I would when he would comment, and I wanted to see what would happen.

I'm not a martyr. I'm not blameless. But I was the one who would always go crawling back, begging for forgiveness, even if I thought I was in the right. I couldn't let go. It was a friendship, and nothing more; a terrible, self-destructive one at that, but I couldn't let go.

I'm getting over it. We were on neutral terms recently, until once again he took offense to something, and went his own way. He's a ghost of a time when I was... different. But when I see a picture of him as he is now, something's resurrected, and I remember that person I kissed, and that person who hugged me when I was damaged, and that person who listened to me gripe and was supportive until one day he commented that all I ever did was complain, and we had another argument.

I suppose I'm a better person for having known him inasmuch that I like who I am more than who I used to be, and all experiences I've had have made me who I am. But knowing all of this, rationally, logically...

It still hurts, when I see a picture of him.


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Thank you for being people I trust enough that I can share something like this with you. I'll try not to get like this too often. It bugs me, too.

[JackSlack]

@Fayili: <hugs>

[Tapir12]

I might be getting more hours at work at the expense of a nice old lady. Conflicted.

[The Jester]

The more we talk the more I fall for her, and the more I want her in my arms. And the more the distance between us hurts me.

This won't be new to the people here who are members of relationships that are or have been long distance, but those are the emotions I'm feeling right now, and I kinda needed somewhere to put them down.

[Geoff_B]

I know how you feel. The girl I like I only get to see once a year. I've known her and her family and she's known me and my family for at least eight years and in the last couple of years we've gotten really close. They live on the Isle of Wight and really she's the only reason I look forward to going back there - we've been going so long that I think we've practically done everything there is to do.

She's not big on texting so half the time it's hard to get in contact with her, and when we're there circumstances always seem to conspire against us meeting up except for a couple of occasions.

I know I'm being silly and people would probably tell me to try and move on but it's really hard for me to do so. All I can really do right now is wait and hope and pray for something to happen to change it.

It hurts.

So yes Jester I can understand something of what you're going through

[Deedles]

The more we talk the more I fall for her, and the more I want her in my arms. And the more the distance between us hurts me.

This won't be new to the people here who are members of relationships that are or have been long distance, but those are the emotions I'm feeling right now, and I kinda needed somewhere to put them down.

I know exactly what you mean. Just remembering what that is like leaves me with a funny feeling in my stomach.

[empath]

Yeah; bittersweet memories...

And as much as I hate to borrow a popular aphorism (and one that is already attached to a very worthy cause):

It gets better.

I've had a couple of long-distance relationships; a couple of which never panned out, and the third?

*glances over shoulder at wife of 12 years, busily perusing YouTube Let's Plays*

DON'T GIVE UP ON IT; the potential pay-off if it DOES work out is AMAZING!

The heartbreak and loss when it doesn't despite all your efforts sucks, but it's STILL worth the risk of that when weighed against the possibility of the above success.

*bro-hugz of sympathy, support and camaraderie*

[Geoff_B]

Thanks man. It is a bit of a cliche but it's encouraging to hear it anyway *returns bro-hugs*

[empath]

So Zyxst and I have been engaging in a variation of the "...in bed" game - instead of fortune cookies, we've been amending song lyrics that we're listening to; it can get quite amusing. Bon Jovi's Wanted Dead or Alive, for example, or U2's With or Without You or even Tom Petty's Free Fallin'.

...then Bryan Adams' Run to You came on.

And then it lost the hilarity and just seemed to part of the song...

[JustAName]

I'm kind of panicking because now I'm sure that I'm not going to be accepted to any college, and wherever I go I'll be unhappy, and a lot of places don't even seem to have majors that would be good for me career-wise and ohgodseverythingisfallingapartthiswasmyhopeandit'sshattering

[goat]

I'm kind of panicking because now I'm sure that I'm not going to be accepted to any college, and wherever I go I'll be unhappy, and a lot of places don't even seem to have majors that would be good for me career-wise and ohgodseverythingisfallingapartthiswasmyhopeandit'sshattering

Most people don't end up working in what their college major was.

[Duckay]

Work these last couple of days has totally screwed me around, emotionally. I've somehow jarred my knee, I have this big bruise on my ankle from being whacked with some sort of heavy projectile, and I'm really tired from not having had enough sleep. I'm also really emotional because of those above factors, plus just feeling so sorry for this client, and having to keep my happy face on and be kind and loving and cheerful this morning. So happy that I have a day off, but then also, really guilty for being happy about that. Ugh.

[Metcarfre]

Are you a social worker or something?

[Duckay]

I'm an out of home care worker - I do shifts with kids who are in state care but who aren't being fostered.

[Metcarfre]

That must be tough. Good on you.

[empath]

Walking home this evening, I saw a tow-truck breeze past me...with an armoured car on the hoist.

Some small firm I'd never heard - truck was painted a metallic medium blue, "Wells & Company" and an eagle logo in gold or brass or bronze (it was dark). Hazard flashers on both vehicles (the orange gumball working on the tow-truck), and it wasn't quite speeding - maybe 60km/h in a 50-zone, just like everyone else.

Nothing seemed obviously illegal, but for a moment I asked myself "Did I just witness an armoured car robbery or something?"

...and almost an hour later, I really can't come up with a conclusive answer to that question.

[goat]

Walking home this evening, I saw a tow-truck breeze past me...with an armoured car on the hoist.

Some small firm I'd never heard - truck was painted a metallic medium blue, "Wells & Company" and an eagle logo in gold or brass or bronze (it was dark). Hazard flashers on both vehicles (the orange gumball working on the tow-truck), and it wasn't quite speeding - maybe 60km/h in a 50-zone, just like everyone else.

Nothing seemed obviously illegal, but for a moment I asked myself "Did I just witness an armoured car robbery or something?"

...and almost an hour later, I really can't come up with a conclusive answer to that question.

One foggy morning while waiting for a school bus in my quaint suburban neighborhood I witnessed a car speed by with the driver's side door missing, and the car alarm blaring. Still not sure if that was what I thought it was.

[Lord Chrusher]

Mixed feelings about being in New Zealand for the World Cup. Mixed feelings could just be the mild depression talking.

[Alja-Markir]

Happy floating, but at a loss for new direction.

~Alja~

[MotorWaffle]

I go to an American movie with American people right after dinner at Pizza Hut. Then I walk out of the theater and I'm in Scotland. And I will be until Christmas. I don't regret it, I'm even still glad I went. I knew it was an enormous thing to do going in. It just struck me extra hard.