The depressing depression thread

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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Unlucky » 08 Jun 2012, 07:54

I'm on my way back up. :) 100mg of Zoloft a day and regular Psychyatrist appointments have helped stabalise me immensely. I just finished see my Psych, so now all I need is a steady career and I think I'll be alright.

What I mean to say is, yeah. I get what you're going through, but it seems it can get better. Eventually.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Ptangmatik » 08 Jun 2012, 13:13

Yeah, I get pretty bad sometimes. I'm rather bad at talking about it too, low self esteem. I don't have the wherewithall for a long explanation, not been on any meds for a few years. I prefer to run to try and drown out the nagging voices, but that's just me.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 11 Jun 2012, 02:01

Having a bit of a relapse, after a good couple of weeks where I've been able to keep the negative thoughts under enough control to not let them bother me much I'm suddenly freaking out at small stuff and just feeling really ill at ease.

Just gonna try to find something to focus on and hope to God that I can will my way through this.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Dutch guy » 11 Jun 2012, 02:29

Hang in there Deedles. Fallbacks seem to be par for the course but just keep going and you'll work through it! Realizing you are having a setback is the first step of getting there.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 11 Jun 2012, 04:48

*hangs onto Dutch guy's leg* Can I hang from here? It seems like a good place to hang.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby LogicSword » 11 Jun 2012, 04:52

Think I might try to get some anti-depressants. Don't particularly want to though, not sure why.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby the_lone_bard » 11 Jun 2012, 08:07

So, though occured to me. If anyone needs to talk to someone, Why not bardberg.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Deedles » 11 Jun 2012, 09:13

Added you on MSN and Facebook. =]

And I'll give the same offer. Anyone ever needs to talk I'm always glad to listen whenever I'm online. Either throw a PM here or add me on
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Keab42 » 11 Jun 2012, 09:46

Halving my anti-depressant dose this weekend. Feeling dizzy and a bit weird today, but hopefully once things even out again I'll be doing a lot better.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 12 Jun 2012, 09:25

This belongs in the Venting thread, but it can also belong here. Anger and Depression are inter-changeable at the moment.

But yeah. I am the angriest I have ever been in my life. So angry that I am calm. I am collecting the anger energy and storing it to be released in doing something I find creative.

For those who haven't read some of my 'not happy' threads, almost a year ago my mum was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. She got the tumour removed, and an extra bit to be sure and that was 'fine'. She got Chemotherapy and that went 'fine'. She then had radio therapy and that went 'fine'. She is now recovering and is 'fine'.

I use 'fine' because, Medically from a Biological point of view she is fine. Psychologically, she is broken.

You see, my mum has had a life where people have been cunts to her. Nothing catastrophic like rape, but awful never-the-less. When she was a kid and in till I don't know when, maybe when she went to Uni, she got beaten up by my Uncle (her brother). Her parents didn't stop this. In fact, her Dad (my Grand Dad) taught her how to punch. Great parenting... Why teach an innocent child who wasn't violent at all to punch instead of fucking stopping your awful son who's being the violent one. You almost went to prison because you refused to fight in WW2, yet you didn't stop your own son beating the shit out of your own daughter. Hypocrite. He's dead now so he can't really answer.

Aside from beating, he'd psychologically torment her but showing her an Ants nest. An amazing feat of engineering. He then would pour a bucket of water over it. So yes, if any of you are parents and have children, any "innocent sibling teasing" should be monitored because it could be bullying and should be stopped.

So yeah, that was one example of many people who have tormented her, her whole life. Back onto cancer.

When she got diagnosed, she told her work because she had to go on sick leave. A lady who worked with her in her office made some awful comments to her. Saying that 'No wonder you got ill, you worked so hard. Checking people's work' yadder yadder. Well of course she worked hard. It's a job. Secondly it's a job that involves helping people. If someone has a serious issue that the council refuses to help with, people come to her and ask for help. She gets into contact with the right people who then help the help-seeking clients. Inaccuracy and carelessness could seriously hurt some real people.

So yeah that hovered over my mum all through cancer treatment. She can't even tell her boss because the woman was close friends with him. Very close. Our neighbour across the road is close friends with her boss, so he could make things interesting for her. Also the woman's brother committed suicide over a year ago so my mum feels like she cannot "attack" the woman. She didn't have the strength to want to recover during treatment because of how low the woman made her feel.

My mum is, large and got larger during treatment due to the medication and inability for physical activity. Her picture was taken for a nice thing for my Great Aunt. My Great Aunt said to my Gran (my mum's mum) that 'She looked large'. My Gran then decided it was a good idea to tell my mum, who is currently recovering from caner treatment.
GOLF CLAP.

So yes, over a year since diagnosis, and my mum feels like shit, worthless, heavily implies suicidal due to her bleak outlook caused by those in her life. I don't think she'd physically try, I pray not.

So yes. I'm sitting here. Typing. Having to help pick up the pieces with my Sister and Dad because cocks in my mum's life decided it would be good to make her feel worthless. Safe to say I wish immense pain on those. It's heartbreaking when I sit next to her comforting her feeling powerless. The only thing I can do is sit by her, and prey because I'm kinda a Christian. Feels more like begging than preying.

She is going to a sort of mentality coaching course which helps a little. She cannot take drugs because she doesn't want to. I mean. It is not fair if she had to.

Why does the cruel words of some selfish twats have to cause an individual to have to take medication for the rest of their life?


I also feel bleak next to her. Wondering if I have to endure her depression for the rest of her life, and then feel sorrow that I just thought those thoughts of such coldness.

I'm not optimistic myself either. Experienced an awful social calamity near the end of my adolescence that gave me a bleak attitude for a while, then experienced the trials of going away from home to Uni. I'm now at home trying to cope with being unemployed whilst occupying a genuinely depressed mother. It's... hard.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby the_lone_bard » 12 Jun 2012, 11:53

I won't tell you I know what you, or she is going through, because that is a straight up lie.

What I can tell you is that you're doing the right thing. These things can go anyway, at any point. she may never get better, or next week she might start feeling better and become herself again. But in your little world, you are surrounded by incompetent, insensitive assholes. But you're doing the right thing. Many others, probably even myself, would have called it quits long before it got to the point it's at now, but you've not. So if nothing else, all I can say is take it day by day, do whatever you feel is right, and always remember that you've already done more than most people would in your position.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 12 Jun 2012, 12:21

I'm just annoy that other people's carelessness and spitefulness has caused me work. I love my mum dearly and I'll be there for her one way or another, but it's extra hassle that shouldn't have been there.
Cancer and her being prolapse were unavoidable. People in her life being dicks were. I'm frustrated at how unfair the situation is.

I also feel like I don't have a right to be upset/angry because there are people are going through worse. I'm just an observer to someone I'm emotionally attached to.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby the_lone_bard » 12 Jun 2012, 12:56

You absolutely have a right to be upset. If someone drops a glass while pouring a drink, you don't have a right to be upset. Someone orders you a coffee and asks for two suggars instead of one, no right. something/someone outside of your control is causing you or the people you care about harm? Go right ahead and be angry.That my good sir, is possibly one of the most efficient ways to get yourself to right to be royally pissed off.
And I know why you feel that way, it's a natural feeling among people who actually, ya know, care. But you need to remind yourself that you absolutely do get to be angry, hell, you have the right to scream from the rooftops and challenge existence itself to a fist fight.

And anyone who doesn't understand that falls into one of few catagorys. Too young to understand these feelings. Too dumb to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them. or straight up assholes.*

And if all else fails, we're here for ya to talk to man. And while some people may go away for a time, as a whole, we'll still be here.

*There's actually plenty more reasons, but they are the safest assumptions/generalizations.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 12 Jun 2012, 13:25

I'm thankful you're hear to listen. I haven't really spoken in detail about this to any of my friends because it's quite a heavy burden to bare. I mean if your friend is having tough times you worry for them. I don't want people to be anxious for me. Hence why speaking to people I don't know that well but are still open. It's easier to talk about things because they don't know the people involved. Also they don't know me know me so they won't be awake at sleep worrying. In less they're an Empath.
It was such a heavy burden. Today when she had a melt down, every time I thought, it felt like pain in my heart. Not literal, that would be a heart attack, but, an emotional hurt that I rarely feel. I can't tell her how I feel because it's my problem not hers. It will also make things worse not better. I'm annoyed at the AoE effect of the spite that woman caused. She said it to spite my mother but ended up spiting our family. My Sister, Dad and me suffer. Our cat is oblivious. She'll happily purr when some one's broken down emotionally.

I get mad at injustice. When it's injustice on a personal level I get pissed. When it's injustice to someone I love it's catastrophic rage. I think I have personal stuff that has gotten amplified by my mother's suffering. I think she serves as a metaphor and mirror of myself. I don't have genitalia area that occasionally fall out, nor my sexual reproductive organs removed or lump out of my breast missing and various surgical scars... But I've witnessed people are C's and seeing people be C's in the past to my mum and recently is mega grr.

Artistically this experience should fuel some artwork. But I don't want to share it with everyone. Nor do I want to be reminded when I see it. I think that's why I find it hard to make artwork because I associates emotions, smell, current thoughts when I had when focusing on an object; work of art. I want to see one of my paintings and think "IT'S A BIRD!".
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby the_lone_bard » 12 Jun 2012, 14:30

Well, let me put it this way. Without artists using the "bad" emotions, we wouldn't have had Nirvana, Meatloaf, almost every 'rock' band of the mid 2000-2010 years. (ok, that's not so bad.)

If a persons art, whether it be music, movies, drawing, writing, whatever it may be, is an expression of self, then you shouldn't worry about what it contains. Personally, I'd want to have something to remember the worst experiences. But not everyone is like that, all I'm saying is, if you feel like you want to get it out, but don't want to be reminded of it, then get it out, it costs you nothing if you get it out then decide it was a bad idea and get rid of the work. I'm sure the world has lost millions upon millions of songs, paintings, novels, poems, etc, to the process of "This came from a horrible time, and at the time I needed to get my feelings out in my own way, but having this around hurts. So it's time to get rid of it."

Just remember, as long as it doesn't harm yourself or someone else, there's nothing that can't be undone or disposed of. So do what you have to to get through this, as long as it doesn't harm anyone or yourself then the most you've got to loose is whatever cash you spend on pencils, paper, ink, guitar strings... You get the point.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 12 Jun 2012, 15:56

I can't do that. I keep having flash backs of when I was writing my Dissertation and how horrible an experience it was and I get trapped in the memory with me saying "I don't want to go back".

I'm a sort of person who wants to burn those negative memories away. Creating work out of them will only reinforce that they existed. There are these aspirational pop songs that talk about "being stronger" or be a more interesting person because they went through an ordeal. Well, why can't I get stronger or be interesting without having going through an ordeal?

It can come out subconsciously. I do a lot of interesting shit according to my past tutors which I didn't mean to do, which pissed some off because they want proof of where it derived from, but that's derailing the topic a bit.
On topicer; I.E. my colour schemes. When I am rather angry/depressed I tend to favour blood red colours. Perhaps it's a compromise between venting what I feel and hiding it. Outsiders will think that I am using warm colours, whilst I'm thinking of blood.

Perhaps creating work from strong negative emotion might be good commercially because I will want to be rid of the work. I won't have an attachment so selling it would be easy. Besides people have a morbid fascination with gloom.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby the_lone_bard » 16 Jun 2012, 12:28

So, went to school on Thursday. My VCAL doubles as a youth service building, they have their own Centerlink worker, Job services agency, youth councilors etc there. So spoke to one of the youth worker/teacher I've got about some of the shit I've been goin through, and long story short, sometime soon I am getting a trial run of refuge housing.

For those that don't know, they take about 20% of the money Centerlink gives me a fortnight, and in return I get to live in a house with a youth worker and 2-6 other youths. Where the only private part of the house is the bedroom. So yeah, extreme social anxiety, just run of the mill anxiety and depression. This should make for a GREAT combination.

On the other hand, maybe a way to finally start getting my life together. I just hope to hell that they have internets.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Dutch guy » 17 Jun 2012, 04:33

Bard, don't be afraid of the new environment. From what I can gather, you seem to be "stuck in a rut" so to speak. I really hope for you getting into a new environment with people who are dealing with their own shit and someone there to talk to when you need it can give you the push needed to get out of the hole you are in.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 11 Jul 2012, 14:35

I'm quite unhappy. I'm a very quiet person who enjoys me time a lot, but I do require a lot of social interaction.

I fear that the friend's I've had for the last 2 years -> 6 years are awful friends for me. I feel like I have a happier social relationship some people on these forums who I have known for only a year or a few of the people I talk to rarely; then the people who I actively socialise on a daily basis.

I feel like I am not-desired. I am, accepted, and socialised with. But it feels... odd. Every 6 months we meet up to get drunk but... I don't drink much, so instantly I feel different. They often jump to different Mumble (Ventrilo/Skypey thing) channel from me when things are quiet for a while or they've been afk.

I'm very nice to them. I say hello in a sincere way, none intrusive and sometimes they don't reply or sort of grunt in response. I ask in their eyes really stupid questions about Diablo and they seem to condemn me for them, though I thought it would be worse if I didn't ask and lived in ignorance.
They don't often like my dry observational humour, yet find someone else's "trolling" jolly good fun.
I know I am over-reacting, but it awfully feels like my good nature is taken for granted. Like the vast majority of people I've met. A lot of them cannot be bothered to get to know me.

I'm worried that I might break contact with people I've known for some good years. But I see the social interactions of say, the LRR crew and see the sincere happiness of them being with each other and I look at my social circle and think how horrible it is. I don't know where I stand with them. I've known them for a long time and I feel like I don't know them at all.

I know friendship is about understanding other people, but I feel like they don't understand me. It feels quite lob-sided.

I'm about to get busier in my daily life, and I don't like the thought about coming back after a long day's activities to a group of people who remind me of why I am so bitter about human beings. I get along with their good-sides. But they have such darkness that's horrid. They pass off the horridness as banter, but it doesn't feel like that.

So yes, do any of you who actually like me and want to talk to me outside of the LRR forums have Mumble/use European Battlenet as those are the social things I use at the moment.

I just want to have fun and 'build friendship'. Not be made to feel small.

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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Drinnik » 15 Jul 2012, 09:24

I went through a severe bout of depression during my last six months in the police. What made me tell people was when I was alone in my room and saw my craft knife on the table. My first thought was, "that could go straight through my wrist." My next response was to pick it up. After that I freaked out. Next day I told my sergeant, he sent me home and ordered me to speak to my doctor. I was signed off for three months and that pretty much was the start of me wanting to leave. I'd not been given the support I needed when I was diagnosed with dyslexia and dyspraxia, and was pretty much treated like a liability for the remainder of my tenure.

It was a low time and I was in a bad place for a long time. I've been back on the antidepressants once since I left, but on the whole, I cope.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Kapol » 26 Aug 2012, 12:14

(Moved from the confession thread due to fitting better here)

I'm not sure this is the right place, but I want to get this story off my chest as it's been bothering me. As a word of warning, this story will likely be found very depressing by many. As such, I've spoilered it.

About 5 years back I think, I was mowing the yard as I usually did during the summer. As I was riding around (it was a riding mower), I saw something white squirming around. I stopped so I didn't run it over. I looked to see what it was, and was horrified by what I saw. It was a little baby bunny nearly torn apart, dying. I watched it for a moment, trying to figure out what to do. But there wasn't anything I could do. Looking back, I should have just killed it to end it's suffering. But I couldn't possibly do that.

In the end, I went and got a shovel. When I came back out, it was dead. So I buried it thinking that was the best thing I could do at that point. As I did I worried I had killed it. Run it over while mowing or something. Looking back, it's very unlikely that happened. If I had, it likely wouldn't have been as... clean as this whole thing was. I saw the neighbor's dog go into that area before I mowed it. Judging by what had happened I'm guessing the dog got to it... which makes me even sadder since that means it was suffering for a decent amount of time.

And if that wasn't bad enough, I looked out where I had buried the rabbit later after I finished mowing. Standing just where I had buried the bunny was a rabbit, which ran off when I stepped outside. To be honest, I still feel really bad about all that, and it's been on my mind a bit lately. Hopefully it'll help to get it off my chest.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Tapir12 » 26 Aug 2012, 17:33

That's really unfortunate Kapol. I had a similar experience just today. A poor little bird ran really hard into my sliding glass door. It wasn't dead, but I though it had a broken leg and seemed very freaked out. I tried to pick it up with a towel to put it in a safe place, but it flew away. I really hope it's ok. The whole experience left me a little shaken.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby the_lone_bard » 30 Aug 2012, 21:46

Why thank you dream, for reminding me that no matter what I do in life, I can never be happy and do what I want.

For those that don't know, I dropped out of high school at the end of year 7, my first year of highschool. I've regretted it for almost that entire time.

Last night I dreampt that I was living back in Rosebud, at that I was talking to the principal (Patrick stewart, it was still a dream alright.) who took pity and decided that he himself was going to teach me highschool from start to finish, but sped up so it didn't take 6 years.
I was so happy, but then I realised when I woke up, even if that were real, even if I could go back now, I'm 20. If it only takes 3 years i'm still going to miss everyone that I know at uni by a year. I wouldn't be done uni till 27, I'm never going to get the chance to go back and do school, and then uni. And that kills me. More than anyone can imagine, because it's all my own fault.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Avistew » 31 Aug 2012, 05:55

You know, lone bard, I know people in their late 20, in their 30s, and even older who went to university. When I was there, there were even a few retirees. I don't think it's too late, if that's what you really want.
Many countries have diplomas you can apply for to be an equivalent for high-school diplomas, and allow entry into university. If you want that, you can do it. It's not too late at all.

When I was in high school, there was also a guy who was in his 20s. He went back to school after dropping out. It's true that he wasn't around the friends he had made before, but he made new friends. The age difference isn't that bad once you grow out of it. I'm 27 now, and I'm friends with people in their 40s and people in their late teens, it matters less once you're an adult.

But if you're only regretting not doing it because everyone does it (rather than your specific career plan requiring university), I hope you can get past that, too. You don't need to go to university to be successful, or happy.

*hugs* and best of luck.
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Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby the_lone_bard » 31 Aug 2012, 07:36

It's not so much being the old guy, it's just knowing that I should have started it 2 years ago.

I've wasted so much time in my life, and to make it worse, there is no way to get back on track, i still need to spend just as much time doing things to get to the same position, only now it's later, i'm closer to death and all because i wasted so much time in my life, i didn't just drop out of year 7, i did nothing for almost 7 years afterward. I spent ages 13-19 barely existing. I missed out on highschool, and if I hadn't, I'd have been in my second, going on third year of uni already...
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