The Big Relationship Thread

[AdmiralMemo]

Alright... I had a best friend who became a girlfriend... I've known this girl since I was 3, so we have a large history. She is kind of crazy, and I'll go into detail about it, if anyone wants to know.
We broke up several years ago for reasons I won't get into, and she moved to Nova Scotia. She recently moved back to Baltimore. She wants to pick up a friendship where we left off, as if our romantic relationship never happened. However, in the years since she moved to Canada, we've really grown apart. I've grown up, bought a house, and basically become an adult. She... hasn't... She's become ridiculously needy, clingy, and selfish. Whether she realizes it or not, the only times she contacts me is when she needs something. She's trying to use me, and I don't want to be used. I'm just emotionally drained by her incessant texting and calling. I've tried ignoring her, but it's not working. (I suspect that living with her friend Cyndi (who is similar) has rubbed off on her in a bad way.)

She's coming over tonight so we can talk. I know when you don't want a romantic relationship with someone, you "friend-zone" them. Is there a way to kind of do that with a friend and "acquaintance-zone" them? I'd just say it out-right, but I don't have the energy to deal with her crying, twisting my words, and blowing everything out of proportion.

[PlasmaCow]

the easy answer is don't lie or actively avoid her, just be busy. Arrange to do stuff with other people, be at clubs (hobby ones I mean), etc. Don't cut her off, just be available less (or less openly available, whichever).

[AdmiralMemo]

the easy answer is don't lie or actively avoid her, just be busy. Arrange to do stuff with other people, be at clubs (hobby ones I mean), etc. Don't cut her off, just be available less (or less openly available, whichever).

That would be a good plan if I had any transportation or real-life friends.

[Digital Dolphin]

"I like you. So deal with it" (said playfully)
"You know I'm broken"
"I don't know anyone that isn't, only people that try to fool themselves"
"... we should hang out some time"

So... THAT happened. Also, I can't believe I had the balls to say that.

[Dutch guy]

@Dolphin, Congrats!

[Lyinginbedmon]

Smooth moves by the virtual cetacean!

Chats continue with my someone special, still trying to work out dates on date #2 but we're still having a lot of fun. She has a very tremendously games-heavy schedule, but I'm getting the hang of knowing when messaging her will distract or not, and she keeps talking back (on Steam and Facebook, the latter of which she certainly has no obligation to), so at least for the moment I know she still likes me.

It's wierd and dysfunctional so far, but I'm really getting to like it. Makes a change from boring and/or normal.

[AdmiralMemo]

Alright... Talked with my "friend" and we've compromised... I think I can handle her about once a month. Maybe.

[Avistew]

I had so much fun at the Halloween party. Hung out with my friend pretty much all night, sometimes within a bigger group, sometimes not. Then a bunch of friends, including Sean and the guy I like (I should give him a nickname. From now on, he'll be Guy, because I'm imaginative) went to have dinner. Then a movie was planned, but everyone bailed out on Sean and me except for Guy. I ended up sitting between the two of them and it was awesome.

I really, really like Guy, and I really, really enjoy spending time with him. And I think it's obvious he likes spending time with me, too, because he does so constantly. And that's awesome.

[KiteNeravar]

I constantly (ish) pick on the girl I like, you know because my flirting never evolved after the fifth grade. She responds by laughing and threatening mock violence. Which I would assume is a good thing. However her best friend (who is also my best friends wife) has mentioned before that this girl tends to oblivious to this kind of thing, so I have no idea if she's figured anything out.

I have yet to ask her out for a few reasons, this biggest one is that I am currently unemployed.

[Avistew]

I need some advice.

I hang out with my boyfriend's coworkers fairly often. They tend to joke around a lot, tease each other, etc. They do that to me, too.
I know it means I'm part of the band, that they like me and so on. And most of the time, it's fine, I'm having fun and all.
But they've started making fun of how I pronounce words, and it's hurting my feelings. It started fine, because at least I was learning the right pronunciation, so I saw it as a "I'm helping you, but making fun of you in the process".

To use a metaphor, they were pointing and laughing at the sign on my back that said "dumbass", but they did it to my face, so I could notice it and take it down, and in the end it was okay.

But then one of them said last week "we should start telling her wrong ways to pronounce words". To which I said "please don't".
Later that day, I asked how to pronounce a word, he told me, and since he's the one who has been helping me with pronunciation the most, I trusted him even though it sounded weird. I'm sure you can see where I'm going there.
I used the word in the exact way he had told me to in front of the group of friends. They made fun of me. He laughed, said he told me a wrong pronunciation on purpose. I said "please don't do that again" but he didn't seem to take it seriously.

That hurt a lot, because instead of pointing out a sign that said "dumbass", he put on one my back when I asked if there was one, pretended he was taking one off, and then waited for someone to notice it and laugh at me. That was not helpful at all. That was just taking advantage of the fact that it's not my first language and that I have trouble remembering how to pronounce words.

That was last Wednesday, and since then everyone who was present has been bringing it up again, saying it was "epic", making fun of me, telling other people about it, etc. Friday at the Halloween party, I told the guy "what if I hadn't used that word again in the group of friends? What if I had used it in front of other people?" (which is really the worst part, the idea that I could have kept the sign into the street, where nobody would have told me about it). He laughed at the idea. I said "you're not sorry, are you?" and he said he wasn't sorry at all.

The thing is, I know he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings. It's the kind of stuff they do to each other because that's how they show they're friends, and they always seem to be happy when someone does it to them. I'm trying to find a way to tell them it hurts my feelings without sounding like a crybaby, or losing them as friends (I care about them all a lot). I wanted to just ignore it, but now I'm worried they'll do it again, and I keep freaking out that I'll learn wrong pronunciations. Worse, I don't know if I can trust them with anything important, now.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I want to make it clear where the line is, and that it's not okay to take advantage of me like that. Do you have any advice on how I could bring it up without ruining everything?

[KiteNeravar]

My first thought would be talk about it in private with your boyfriend and see if he would be willing to talk to them about it (if they are his friends he would know the best way to bring it up and discuss it).

[Avistew]

That sounds reasonable, but I'm actually closer to his coworkers than he is. Go figure. He mostly hangs out with them because he's the link and it would be awkward for me to show up at his work and hang out while he's not around.

Don't get me wrong, he likes them too, but I would say he's not closer to them than I am. On the other hand, he's a guy like them, and maybe his insight would be helpful. I'll bring it up with him.

[KiteNeravar]

Glad I could help

[TheRocket]

That sucks Avistew. People make fun of me here for the way I pronounce things because of my regional dialect so I know how annoying it is. But to have a completely different first language and having them take advangtage of you like that for their amusement is nasty. I would tell then what you told us and just say you trust them and were really hurt by it. That you can take a joke but this was just a bit too far and it's something you're sensitive about.

[Deedles]

To be honest the guy sounds like a bit of an asshole. Sure, that's how they act towards each other, but you told him multiple times that you didn't want him doing that, yet he did, and admits to not feeling sorry about it.

Then again, maybe he's simply not understanding how much that prank affected you, but that is still fairly ignorant of him.

I think having a talk in private would be a good idea. Either done by you or Sean, whichever you believe would be best received. Also, don't worry about sounding like a crybaby. We all have things that can be sensitive to us, and they should be understanding towards that.

[Avistew]

Yeah... I think talking in private would be taken more seriously. If he does it again after I have a serious talk about him, then I'll know he's being a jerk, rather than being completely oblivious.

Thanks for your support, Rocket. I've been more sensitive about it after I asked for directions in the subway and the information guy was more interested in making fun of how I pronounced a street name than telling me which subway went there :S It's silly, one jerk and you let it get to know, even if everyone else is perfectly nice and helpful.

[Lyinginbedmon]

So, told her that I like her, and she told me in fairly uncertain terms that she likes me, but that she's not very comfortable dating someone she doesn't know very well or has only met once. She did hasten to clarify that she would date a friend though, and I made it clear that I truthfully am happy with either status because I really enjoy her company.

We're going to hang out some more this weekend and play some Magic. We're already really open with eachother and I'm making a point to tell her how I feel about things as they arise, keeping communication clear and open as it were. So no gf/bf situation as yet, but I'm hopeful, and meanwhile I'm really not that fussed as long as I keep getting to talk to this hoopy frood.

[Keab42]

Trying to sort out a second date, hopefully we'll see how things progress from there. I really like her, but I'm happy to take things as they come and take as much time as is necessary.

I'm worried though, because I'm terrible at reading body language and intent, so it's likely that unless she says something or just leaps on me, it will be hard for me to figure out what she's feeling.

[Lyinginbedmon]

Communication is the best advice I can give there, just ask her if needed.

[Sieg Reyu]

Rocket, I must say, "D'aaaaaawww!!" You earned that Glutino, I hope it was delicious.

[PlasmaCow]

soooo... I'm stage managing for at a local amateur musical theatre group, with show week starting monday. Over the 7 or so years of my involvement with this club, I've found that the daily meeting, working, banter and socialising over two weeks with folks has produced my best shots at relationships with the fairer sex (ignoring that fact that I've buggered up 3 of said opportunities).

As such I've a fun conundrum facing me. Last year was the first time I stage managed and so kept me busy and with a head full of set plans. This year our set is a lot simpler and I'm more confident taking charge of things. This spare capacity for other thoughts brings in three lovely ladies all at once.
1) Katherine, one of the principles in the show, full of energy and always fun to be around, known her through the club for 3 or 4 years now.
2) Holly, originally stage crew, but had to pull out of show week due to a Uni interview in Oxford, she's helped out a huge amount with props and sign painting and we've had a number of text exchanges about show stuff, but with added friendly comments, which I've read as being playful, but I ain't a great judge of such things.
3) Tasha, an old friend who's spent most of the past two years in Austria as an Au Pair, she literally gets back into the UK the sunday before show week and has volunteered to be on my stage crew. I had a thing for her for a while when we were in school. Also happens to be family friends with Katherine.

Fun fact, I seem to like 'em younger than me, 6 years, 5 years and 2 years in the order above.

Now obviously Katherine is going to be heavily engrossed in her own part all week, but more likely to let her hair down at the social events; I'm seeing Holly briefly tomorrow to pick up the final props, but then she's only going to put in an appearance to watch the final dress rehearsal on Tuesday with a tour backstage from me; as for Tasha, well I've no idea, as stage manager I control which crew are based in which wings, so I could manipulate things to give me time with her (there are a couple instances of multiple scenes in a row on the same set, meaning a rest for crew), but the SMs podium is in a narrow part of the wings where the cast come on and off stage.

TL/DR:
My indecisiveness in all meaningful choice making strikes again. I will probably just have to play it by ear on the fly.

[auberginequeen]

All I can say is ... squee! >_<

[Matt]

All I can say is FML.

As usual.

-m

[JustAName]

:/ Sorry to hear that.

[Matt]

Me too. I'm not going into details of this most recent situation, because I've rehashed it a couple of times already with some very good friends, but I needed to vent a little frustration and this was the place.

Suffice to say that I have been counselled by more than one individual recently that I should be writing these stories down for inclusion in an eventual book.

My continued bad luck is the stuff of legend.

-m