The depressing depression thread

[hascow]

Memo, I haven't spoken to you that much at all, but I have a few thoughts, and really hope you listen to them, as well as listen to everyone else.

That is an interesting question. Why do I want to be remembered? It probably falls down to the fact that it's the only way that I know I would have made an impact on this world. That my contribution actually meant something.

Here's the problem: This is so nebulous a statement that it's really easy to look at anything and say "clearly I haven't made an impact", because it's not really quantifiable. How many people is "an impact"? Is it 1? 10? 100? 1000?

Because here are a couple impacts I already see:

1) You made enough of an impact on LRR and/or the LRR community to be made a twitch moderator
2) You made enough of an impact on a few people here in this thread to make them want to help you. To reply to what you're saying and give their own advice

Neither of those is meaningless, you've clearly made some impact. Do you want an understanding of why people help? Why they do things that aren't for them? Because it makes them feel good inside, usually. Why? Because someone else felt better because of something they did. The person they helped might not specifically remember that specific person, but it's pretty easy to remember "the nice young man that helped me across the street", or "the guy who gave me directions to the local attraction".

Why is one big impact more meaningful than a lot of small impacts? Is being remembered clearly for being terrible by a lot of people better than being remembered less specifically by a few people for smaller things that were helpful?

I will nth what other people are saying. Talk to a professional. Excuses are just that, excuses. They seem like good reasons right now, because they help you stay in the rut of routine, which is comfortable. It's also lazy. Laziness seems good, because that's what we know. But at some point, we realize that we're not ok with it. We're not happy with the rut we're in and something needs to change. It takes a step outside of your comfort zone in order to get out of that. Stop making excuses, and start DOING SOMETHING. Progress helps. Every step is still a step.

[Mums]

On the thought of why doing good when not getting anything in return I like Christopher Hitchens thought that "The brittish national health service have never had to pay anyone to give blood, and has never run out of it. There is always enough blood and always enough donors. People like giving blood, people like helping other people. When I donate I enjoy doing it, there is something attractive about the idea, I don't lose a pint because it replenishes quite quickly but someone else gets one for free."

Also, is the desire to do good things only because there might be a higher being judging you if you don't really a morally good thing? Wouldn't that being know that the intention wasn't to do good but only to satisfy it?

Sorry for the off topic.

[Tapir12]

Memo, you really need help from someone who you can work through these issues with you. Please call the toll free line, listen to what they have to say and make an action plan for yourself. Just one step at a time if that's what you can handle. No excuses. You have to do this for yourself. It will be hard, but it will be worth it.

[RytelCSF]

Okay, let me just go ahead and say this because this has been really bugging me. A lot of the time when I come here for advice or venting things seems to happen in three very clear steps.

1) I explain that I'm having trouble with anxiety or other issues in a given situation.
2) I give an anecdote of conflict I've had in that situation, to try and give you an understanding of where I'm coming from.
3) Everyone claims that the person giving me said conflict is an asshole, toxic, etc. and that I don't deserve that.

And I just don't see why step 3 exists.

Just because I have problems doesn't make me infallible, you guys. I'm in the wrong in many if not most of those situations. Like the conflict I talked about recently with the D&D game. I asked him why he pressed me to the point of me breaking down after the session was over, and he told me that I wasn't talking enough so he wanted to get me to participate. I don't see anything wrong with that pursuit. If anything it's my fault that I couldn't play the game well enough for him.

Honestly, it bothers me that no one is saying "yes, you are terrible" because I know that at least some of the time, that's the truth. No, I'm not human garbage in all aspects, but I am that in many aspects. And I feel like people refuse to see that because they think that's what I want to hear, when in reality I just want people to stop lying to my face.

Because if you lie to me about some things, then in regards to other things, you could tell me I'm great, and be genuine, and have it be the truth, but since I know you lie to me I'll never believe you.

And that's how this thread is starting to feel.

Block me, ban me, whatever. I can take it. It just had to be said.

[AdmiralMemo]

Rytel: Don't believe that you have to capitulate to the demands of other people. Dude should not have pressed that hard when he could see that it was bothering you. If you're not feeling into the thing, you don't have to do it. Isn't playing D&D about having fun? Were you having fun? If not, then it's not like you have to do it. And if you're not playing in the way that someone else likes, maybe you should find a different group to play with?

And as for "being terrible"... Well, it took me saying some pretty nasty things (which I believed were true, to be fair) before I even got the barest fraction of a hint from this community that I might "be terrible."

Are you a sociopath or anything close? No? If not, then this community is not going to say you're "terrible" because they don't believe you are.

As you saw in my meltdown, I'm not one to lie to anyone, even when it's more expedient and in my best interests to do so. (When I have lied in the past, I've been ridiculously bad at lying, so it didn't work anyway.) So when I tell you that I don't believe you're "terrible" you have to believe it, because I'm not lying.

Also, I'm wondering... How much of an introvert are you? Does making social contact drain you of energy? I know it does for me. Perhaps you should strategize every planned social interaction to get the most out of it without having to wipe yourself out of "social energy" doing it.

[Jamfalcon]

Rytel, if I saw you saying something that was problematic or a clear sign that you were at fault for something you were struggling with, I'd let you know. But in all your posts here, I don't recall anything that you've said to make me think you're a terrible person. Nobody's perfect, and it sounds to me like you're taking these bad experiences you've had and putting the blame on yourself.

I'm not saying that the other player was being a jerk and a terrible person, I only have your description to go by and if you really don't think it was his fault at all, that's fine. But that doesn't automatically mean you're a terrible person, nor does it in any of the stories you've told before. You're having a human reaction, and it might not be the best one for you, but you're also not taking that out on anyone else, you're not trying to blame other people. You're heaping all the blame for these feelings on yourself. I'm far from an expert, but maybe that's why you feel like you're a terrible person when nobody else sees it.

[Deedles]

Okay, let me just go ahead and say this because this has been really bugging me. A lot of the time when I come here for advice or venting things seems to happen in three very clear steps.

1) I explain that I'm having trouble with anxiety or other issues in a given situation.
2) I give an anecdote of conflict I've had in that situation, to try and give you an understanding of where I'm coming from.
3) Everyone claims that the person giving me said conflict is an asshole, toxic, etc. and that I don't deserve that.

And I just don't see why step 3 exists.

Just because I have problems doesn't make me infallible, you guys. I'm in the wrong in many if not most of those situations. Like the conflict I talked about recently with the D&D game. I asked him why he pressed me to the point of me breaking down after the session was over, and he told me that I wasn't talking enough so he wanted to get me to participate. I don't see anything wrong with that pursuit. If anything it's my fault that I couldn't play the game well enough for him.

Honestly, it bothers me that no one is saying "yes, you are terrible" because I know that at least some of the time, that's the truth. No, I'm not human garbage in all aspects, but I am that in many aspects. And I feel like people refuse to see that because they think that's what I want to hear, when in reality I just want people to stop lying to my face.

Because if you lie to me about some things, then in regards to other things, you could tell me I'm great, and be genuine, and have it be the truth, but since I know you lie to me I'll never believe you.

And that's how this thread is starting to feel.

Block me, ban me, whatever. I can take it. It just had to be said.

In the DnD game I'm currently running I have a guy who's currently never really participating in the RP aspect. When we reach a town he'll usually go off on his own to the market, and appear where the group is when something important is about to happen(which usually means the group heading out somewhere). He does a lot of text RPing, but I think he just doesn't feel very comfortable doing it over voice, so I don't pressure him, and instead give him the time to find the space that he finds comfortable.

The guy might of had the intention of getting you to talk more in the game, which was a nice thought for him to have, but the way he handled it was poor at best. As GM and a player you have to be understanding towards the other players in the group. If you want someone to participate in a game more you have to ensure that they remain comfortable first of all, because if you make them feel uncomfortable they'll either clam up more, or just outright leave the game because it makes them upset because they might feel stress, anguish, anxiety, fear or all of the above.

I don't think you're a terrible person, and your friend isn't necessarily a bad person either, but in that situation I think he wasn't attentive enough to the effect that his actions was causing. Wanting to get a friend to open up more and part-take in the game (so that they can get more fun out of it, I imagine) is a very nice thing to want, but there are few times where putting someone on the spot is the right course of action to achieve that.

[Lord Hosk]

[Elomin Sha]

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[Rikadyn]

[JustAName]

Not one person has purchased anything from my Etsy store. I mean, I suppose it was to be expected, but it's still rather disheartening.

[Jamfalcon]

If it helps, I can tell you that I was honestly really close to buying one of the rose pins for my girlfriend's birthday, but I didn't have the idea soon enough for it to arrive on time. Still have the page bookmarked, actually.

[JustAName]

Aw. It really does. Thanks.

[MotorWaffle]

I'm trying really hard to stop seeing every little thing as a sign of personal failure, but I'm not sure it's working.

This time it was a graduate school visit. I just cancelled it and asked if the meetings could be done over the phone or over skype for a number of reasons. I wasn't nervous about meeting them face-to-face or anything, it was that the campus is 6 hours away by driving, my car is 15 years old and starting have issues, the whole trip would cost $300-$400 for the sake of meeting with three staff members and the school is not even my top choice right now.

I know these are good reasons, or at least that I feel I'm being reasonable, but somehow I still feel like cancelling is some sign of being a failure.

[poopintheairtonight]

Everytime something looks up, shit goes downhill. I swear, if I have a day that isn't shit, I can chart with mathematical certainty that the next will be fucking HORRIBLE in some way. It's not even that it's particularly bad either, my ability to handle it it in stride is just fucking dead.

Fuck. This was more of a rant than a discussion of my depression.

[AdmiralMemo]

I'm really down right now. I need a real person to talk to... actually talk instead of typing. Anyone want to Skype me?

[AdmiralMemo]

I've had some discussions, but why is everything so hard to do? It's not like I haven't done it before. I'm just drained from giving myself away to everybody and getting little in return.

[Deedles]

Seeing as I first posted about it here I guess posting the conclusion, to so speak, is fitting.

We had a small funeral for Lille One today. We got the box with her ashes this Monday, so I'd worked in the garden to make one of the corners a bit nicer and dug a hole where we could burn the box and have a grave for her.



It was nice, it didn't last long, and has left me very weepy, but I feel like I needed this, because while I'm crying it doesn't feel as heavy and empty as before, despite still missing her. It just feels like... this was the last thing I could do for her, give her a nice send-off, and a nice place to rest in peace.

Good bye, Lille One.

[Lord Chrusher]

I need to stop living in the past or the future. I must live in the present more.

[Rikadyn]

[elcalen]

So hey, it's November again. All dark and gloomy. Honestly, though, I kinda like dark and gloomy. I really dislike bright, hot days...

But among other things, November is the time of year when my 'high school sweetheart' dumped me. It's not really that big a thing. It's ancient history now. We were just kids, it obviously wasn't going to last. There are no hard feelings.

It wouldn't really be a big deal at all if it wasn't for the fact that in the sixteen years since then there has been no one else... And, honestly, even that isn't such a huge deal. I'm quite introverted, I need a lot of time and space on my own, I'm not 100% sure I could even cope with being in a serious relationship with someone. However, when I'm already feeling a little down, thinking about the lack of intimacy (whether emotional or physical) in my life can be kind of a 'last straw'—an easy thing to fixate on instead of more significant, current issues.

So here I am again, looking back at those warm, fuzzy moments of an age long past, feeling quite nostalgic...

[My pseudonym is Ix]

It's biting again. Feeling lonely and unloveable. Think my subconscious is worried about counselling tomorrow. Worrying about some work I'm struggling with. Getting a little unstable

[Lord Chrusher]

Today was one of those days I really did not want to get out of bed on.

[Ptangmatik]

Slept so very poorly, can't focus at work.

Brain aches, ears ringing.

Ugh.

[Mums]

Been going for like 2 months feeling good, started feeling "maybe it was just my imagination, maybe I just felt a little sad that time and I overreacted" then BAM, it hits me again... Feeling like cancelling everything in my life and just stay home doing nothing, luckily I have things I really have to fix so.