The Big Relationship Thread

[JustAName]

I saw it recently, yeah. For some reason the forums won't accept the link I use for my forum anymore? I'm going to ask Paul about it after DB ends.

Glad I could help!

[Darkobra]

It could be that you're using a Facebook link and the picture might not be publically available. That and Facebook links are temperamental.

[Elomin Sha]

That's strange. Your picture shows on my PC but not my phone.

[Jamfalcon]

It was showing for me, but after a ctrl+F5 refresh, it went away. Probably just still cached on your PC.

[Phailhammer]

Flights and accommodation booked. Under a month before I see her now. ^_^

[Avistew]

Yesterday I decided to ask him to hang out on Friday (today) because we both have it off, buuut I chickened out and just gave him my email instead (because he said he used hangouts more than Skype and I figured we could chat that way).

Sean thinks I'm weird, that giving my email is more forward/aggressive than asking him to hang out, and that there is no way he will do anything with the email because chances are it just confused him and he wouldn't know where to begin.

I just wanted the ball to be in his court so that I wouldn't accidentally be too forward, make him uncomfortable with unwanted advances and so on. I figured, at the time, that if he didn't add me on hangouts or send me an email, that must mean he's not interested and I would drop it.

Now I'm not sure. Sean has more perspective of what it means to be an 18 year old in the US than I do, but at the same time people are all different so who knows?

So I went from thinking "good, it will be settled soon" to "should I actually drop it or keep asking? What if I go too far and make him feel harassed?".

A friend of mine, on the other hand, told me I probably should walk to him and say "hey, wanna f*uck?". Setting aside the fact that I don't really swear much, I don't want to do that for a multitude of reasons. Too aggressive for my taste (if he's not interested, that's pretty much assault), completely inappropriate of course, and most of all, I want to date the guy, not have casual sex, so this kind of opening line would give the complete wrong impression.

I'm planning on quitting kind of soon and I don't want to just lose contact with him. But I also know I'm the kind of person who gets so stressed out about those things that I sabotage myself so that it's quickly over and I don't have to worry about it anymore. I really don't want to do that this time. I really like him. Even if nothing romantic ends up happening I definitely want to stay in touch with him in the long run and my usual sabotaging techniques don't usually make it an option.

[Elomin Sha]

A friend of mine, on the other hand, told me I probably should walk to him and say "hey, wanna f*uck?".

I wouldn't know what to think if someone said that directly to me. To be honest I don't know what my answer would be to that.
Maybe being that direct is not the best option if you're worried about scaring him off. When I want to say something that I know I'm worried about is either write out the text/email then take a few deep breaths. Works with talking too.

[Avistew]

Yeah, that guys is a bit... socially different. That's what worked for him and his ex (they were together over 15 years and are still close friends). He told me that guys are clueless and won't notice anything if you don't hammer them with it, but that they typically won't refuse an offer for sex.

I think he's over-generalising. Lots of guys would reject an offer for sex for various reasons. Either way, as I said, wrong message to send. I'd take a relationship with him without any sex over sex with him and no relationship (although I would prefer both).

[Elomin Sha]

I think he's over-generalising. Lots of guys would reject an offer for sex for various reasons.

I am one of those.

It's good that you know what kind of relationship you want with someone.

[viscomica]

Flights and accommodation booked. Under a month before I see her now. ^_^

Hooray!!

That's great Phail

[Avistew]

Well, I asked if he wanted to grab lunch together and he said he didn't want to spend the money. I offered to pay for it and he said he wasn't really comfortable with someone else paying for his food.

I have the feeling he's trying to be nice and say "no" without hurting my feelings. On the other hand, I guess he could be completely oblivious. He made a comment that I was the second person offering to cover his lunch and that he didn't get why people would do that. Maybe I should have explained why but I was digesting the rejection.

I'm always so terrible at telling if someone is rejecting me or not realising that I'm hitting on them. Right now the only strategy I can think of is quitting and then just being super blunt right before I leave so that I can get a straight answer, but I'm not sure if it's a good or a terrible idea.

[Bebop Man]

Quitting your job just so you can ask a guy out? Isn't that a little too much?

[JustAName]

I believe she said she was already quitting.

Three weeks until I get to see him and I'm so impatient.

[Bebop Man]

Oh. In that case, sure, that would be the better strategy.

[Avistew]

Yes, I'm going to quit anyways. The plan is not "let's quit" but "when I do quit, if nothing has changed, might as well give it a last try" since I won't have to fear awkwardness in the following days at work.

I'll probably wait a little though. We're close to Thanksgiving and it's going to get super busy at work, I don't want to quit in the middle of that and leave my coworkers running around trying to fill in the gap. That wouldn't be very thoughtful.

[Darkobra]

Well, I asked if he wanted to grab lunch together and he said he didn't want to spend the money. I offered to pay for it and he said he wasn't really comfortable with someone else paying for his food.

Both legitimate reasons that may have nothing to do with him even knowing your advances. I hate eating out and spending 10 times the price on food. And I hate people paying for me. It feels like a debt being hung over my head.

Find a common interest and take it from that approach.

[Avistew]

Yeah, today we ended up spending 3 hours together, some of it during his lunch, some of it while he was at work and I was off the clock. We had a great time, talked, laughed, hung out and it was pretty awesome. He said again that he hates when people spend money on him so we split the bill when we bought some chocolate on sale and then shared it. I think as long as we do activities that are cheap or free we should be okay.

Sean talk me I was over-thinking it yesterday, that we should just hang out and let things develop naturally and see what happened, instead of just being aggressive and awkward. I felt much better after talking to him about it, and today shows that he was right. I had a great time, he seemed to have a great time and enjoy my presence, he even said I should stay longer (but I get up early tomorrow so I decided to go home).

So I think I'll just keep doing things this way, and the worst that can happen is I make a good friend

[Elomin Sha]

I am now in a quandary about going back to being old Elomin.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Without knowing you personally it's tricky to judge, but by the sounds of it, I think new Elomin would get more out of life. C S Lewis once said 'to love at all is to be vulnerable', and that the only surefire way to prevent it from hurting you is to close yourself off from it, to ever remain aloof from love- and to never experience neither the painful lows nor glorious joys of a life well-loved.

Of course, this is coming from someone who has severe issues with the idea that he may be incapable of loving another human being, but that's not for lack of trying at least. I think. Maybe.

[Darkobra]

Love is something that can give you great joy and great pain. There's never an "or." It's always both. Now you have to decide do you want to take the happiness with it or do you want to be numb the rest of your days?

[Elomin Sha]

I sit.
I worry.
I wait.
I do nothing.
I say nothing.
I cry.

[viscomica]

I sit.
I worry.
I wait.
I do nothing.
I say nothing.
I cry.

Work on the "do nothing" and "say nothing" and you'll be ok.
Seriously! Just don't give up!

[Darkobra]

If there's one thing I've learned in life it's "Speak gently, act firmly."

[Elomin Sha]

After getting some advice, as much as I'd like to say something now (really want to) I am going to wait longer.

[Avistew]

I just wanted to say we spent a couple hours together again yesterday and I've been having a great time, and it's awesome. Still haven't found a way to bring up polyamory that isn't super awkward but both my age and marital status are known to him for sure as they were both mentioned multiple times.