The depressing depression thread

[Puls3evo]

Mister Blue Sky, I can relate to the self-esteem erosion. I have ADD, which affects my ability to do what I need to do during my day-to-day routine. Things like homework, appointments, phone calls, anything on a deadline or that I do not have to do immediately but must remember to do at some point. These will just be pushed aside by whatever my mind has decided to latch onto as if my existence was bonded to it. I still get caught in situations where if I fall behind on something (usually class related), I'll schedule a time to do it, then miss that by five hours because I got caught up in something else.

The killer is, typically I have the ability to get whatever it is done. I'm pretty smart and I'm actually good at what I'm working on for my degree. The task, however, gets pushed back so many times because it runs up against other immediate obligations I get fixated on and then "Time's up" and I fail. That's happened to me so much in my academic career that this past year I had all but given up on completing my degree. I've gone to five different colleges for the past eight years with barely anything to show for it, and mostly because of this damned condition which I loathe. Eight years, more than a quarter of my life.

I've just finished the application process for my sixth college, and all of my previous schools are sending transcripts now. I'm not giving up on my degree because I've been close for so long, I still taste parchment. It still will not be easy to finish, but I'm going to finish because I know who I am, and I know who to talk to or go to when my mind starts fighting me (or if I just don't understand something).

I don't typically go out of my way to meet people either, but I go out to do what I want to do. If other people are there, so be it. I say hi, be polite, and let it play out. I've met all of my friends, of which are few, incidentally because we were both at the same place at the same time and we happened to strike up a conversation. I went out there, though, and I think that's really the starting point. Don't go out to meet people, go out to do something where people will be. Stream on Twitch because you want to play a game and just happen to be able to broadcast. As long as you put yourself out there, you create opportunity.

I guess my point is that, I have been low, and beat up by myself and other forces, but I will forge ahead. No matter how much it seems like everything or every one wants to bring you down, there will be things and people who will lift you up and help you. The people in this community are wonderful people, and hopefully you posting here starts a good ripple for you.

[AdmiralMemo]

My cousin who you've all been rooting for... The one with testicular cancer... The one that got a little bit of financial support for his bone marrow transplant treatment...

That treatment gave him an infection. Glad he's in the hospital at the time, but still...

[Elomin Sha]

Ouch, sorry to hear that.

[Rikadyn]

the day will come when
I must say goodbye
but I know already
that I am forgotten, so
I look at this old
rusted blade...
I no longer fear that day
but wish for it with
every breath.

[Puls3evo]

Quick update: That application for my sixth College was rejected because they didn't mention they only took stock of the LAST College I went to, which was a failure and mistake on my part (my fifth college).

FML sigh.

Back to community college for me.

[Ptangmatik]

Crappy day. Been on the phones all day and I am awful at talking to strangers in a calm, relatable way and I find it intensely stressful. I didn't realise how much phone work this job required when I took it.

Have bacon and whisky, need hugs. I know no one who lives nearby well enough to ask.

[Arclight_Dynamo]

Will an internet hug do? 'Cause I've got one for you, right here:

***HUG***

[Lord Hosk]

I haven't been sleeping well and I fell asleep on a pillow in the living room.

I just had a nightmare, there was a a couple of trucks driving a high speed toward the back of our house then a RPG was fired, I woke up screamed "Incoming" saw little lady hosk grabbed her and threw us onto the floor and covered her up, saw Lady Hosk and Littler Lady hosk and screamed "get down".

Lady hosk ran over yelling "wake up its ok wake up its ok"

she said that she wanted to make sure I was awake before she tried to get little lady hosk away from me.

Everyone is ok just a little startled.

This is the first time that I have done anything around the kids. I have woken up in bed and dove to the floor the ran over to the wall where my M-4 would have been hanging next to the door a couple times.

Little lady hosk said she was ok and she was sorry that I had a army dream. today is her 6th birthday and what is she going to remember? that I had a nightmare and tackled her. six year olds shouldn't have to deal with stuff like this.

[AdmiralMemo]

Sorry to hear that. *hugs Hosk* But, I'm glad your first instinct is to protect your family, and I know that your wife and children see that, too. They'll know that if anything were to happen to them, you'd be there for them.

[MinniChi]

Lord Hosk, at least she will know or does know, even though it was a dream, the first thing you tried to do was protect her.

[AdmiralMemo]

House 3 doors down from me just burnt down. The family is safe, but they never found the cat. The extended family has arrived to take care of them. Still, very tragic, especially since the mom just had a baby about 2 weeks ago.

[Deedles]

@Lord Hosk
I can only echo what Memo and Minni have said; The fact that your first action was to protect her is something that she will remember.

[AdmiralMemo]

Nichelle Nicols had a stroke.

[fantôme]

Growing old is a terrible thing - my body stops working properly, creative drive is increasingly difficult to come by, joie de vivre and raison d'etre are of insignificance by necessity, my world becomes smaller.

[Squirrel]

I crept in here once before, under a diferent name on a throwaway email I'v since lost, tried to come back, never did though. Too shy and scared, as always.

But I met My Psueonym Is Ix in the flesh recently, We are both Historical reenactors in the same society, we've met before I'm sure but we meet so many people at shows, so when he remarked "what the bus" at something nerdity ensued, anywho... He poked me and said I should come hang out on the forums, so I have (and he'll probably poke me if I get shy and run away)

Last weekend I had to help move a friend and his stuff, not to mention all the group owned stuff/tools/junk for my local group of my reenactment society into mine and someone elses houses because he'd been evicted. This was stressful as all hell, but manageable.
However about four years ago after the breakup of a relationship of two and a bit years I lost my home and was homeless for a while, I was lucky though, I got emergency accomodation (being a 21 year old girl with mental health issues worked in my favour for once! heh), I got support and help to deal with benefits and flats and horrible horrible paperworks and all the other crud. I now have my own flat, safe long term housing of my own, but I am often still scared that something will happen and I will end up homeless again, but not be so lucky.
So helping out my friend has shaken me a bit and made me feel sad and vulnerable again. I know logically that Its not going to but I cant help but feel those sad scared feelings again, remembering (much as I wish I didn't/couldnt) the bad stuff I felt then. And then I feel bad that I'm feeling bad because of this.

Also feeling rather lonely. I live in a university town and most of my friends are students who've just left for the summer, and those I was closest to are graduating this year, not to mention the three other good friends who left last year. Loneliness is kicking my butt right now.

Idk. Its not the worst it's been/I've felt, but the long ever-returning slog sucks.

[Phi]

Squirrel, not the worst can still feel bad. We are here for you, lonely together

[CrazyMax46]

It was about eight months ago.

When my wife, told my older sister, who told my younger sister, to tell me that we were moving to away from California in the fashion that only people around me can do, which is tell everybody about important matters but me.

At first I felt a big cloud lift off me. Because I had grown tired of living where I was. Nowadays it's just my constant reminder of how fucked up my life is.

Everyday, I find myself having to fix other peoples fucking problems. And I'm fucking tired of it. I'm tired of the days of me fixing other peoples issues only to get no thanks. I'm tired of wanting to help people only to get told to fuck of.

I'm tired of trying to come up with plans only to have to do twelve other things before I can do something as simple as going to the store.

I'm tired of having to come up with ideas, because everytime I do someone goes "You see, we can't do that. Because we're going to do this...and that...and this plan, and we want to do this right now, and we are going to do this." Well none of that shit that people say they are going to do ever happens.

So what would you do? On one hand, I have a group of people I know. I have medical issues that prevent me from living on my own, and a fear of the unfamiliar.

On the other hand, I get a runaround from people that are supposed to be my friends and family.

They say you are what you eat. And ever since I moved out of California, I ain't been fed nothing but shit. So I guess I became shit. I am uncaring to the world these days.

Several people I know, that I am not physically near have had great successes. I am not jealous of these people.

All I've gotten from people around me is garbage.

I cant stand this area. I'm surrounded by a bunch of damned imbeciles. I have to deal with people who seem to have basic comprehension problems.

I want to go away. I thought this would be a new start to my life. Instead. I honestly want to fucking die.

There's no one that I can trust. There's no friends that I can trust. There's no family that I can trust. There is not a single person that I can talk to about any of this.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

I crept in here once before, under a diferent name on a throwaway email I'v since lost, tried to come back, never did though. Too shy and scared, as always.

But I met My Psueonym Is Ix in the flesh recently, We are both Historical reenactors in the same society, we've met before I'm sure but we meet so many people at shows, so when he remarked "what the bus" at something nerdity ensued, anywho... He poked me and said I should come hang out on the forums, so I have (and he'll probably poke me if I get shy and run away)

Last weekend I had to help move a friend and his stuff, not to mention all the group owned stuff/tools/junk for my local group of my reenactment society into mine and someone elses houses because he'd been evicted. This was stressful as all hell, but manageable.
However about four years ago after the breakup of a relationship of two and a bit years I lost my home and was homeless for a while, I was lucky though, I got emergency accomodation (being a 21 year old girl with mental health issues worked in my favour for once! heh), I got support and help to deal with benefits and flats and horrible horrible paperworks and all the other crud. I now have my own flat, safe long term housing of my own, but I am often still scared that something will happen and I will end up homeless again, but not be so lucky.
So helping out my friend has shaken me a bit and made me feel sad and vulnerable again. I know logically that Its not going to but I cant help but feel those sad scared feelings again, remembering (much as I wish I didn't/couldnt) the bad stuff I felt then. And then I feel bad that I'm feeling bad because of this.

Also feeling rather lonely. I live in a university town and most of my friends are students who've just left for the summer, and those I was closest to are graduating this year, not to mention the three other good friends who left last year. Loneliness is kicking my butt right now.

Idk. Its not the worst it's been/I've felt, but the long ever-returning slog sucks.

First up, hi! Meatspace is finally creeping into bytespace, I see

Secondly... much though we'd like it to be otherwise, feelings aren't very rational. Our fears are like water; left to their own devices, they can creep in anywhere, through the tiniest chinks in our mental armour, and can easily come to define us. Everyone learns to fight them differently; in the past, my approach has always been to throw a giant force of logic against my insecurities, battering them down through force of reason- like you say, you KNOW these things aren't rational, they aren't going to happen, so pipe down and let me get on with my life. Recently, my counsellor has suggested I take a different approach, suggesting it might be healthier to accept these fears. So rather than simply tell your fears they are wrong, accept and understand that you are scared of them, and that they aren't rational, but do not concentrate on them. The approach is one not of denying your fears, but on ensuring you focus on better things; the next show you go to, the next game you play, the next Magic booster you open, all that jazz.

As I said, everyone learns to fight them differently. Whatever works for you I guess. If you need to vent or need reassurance, we'll always be here to listen

And I can relate to the loneliness thing. This year coming I'm taking a placement year away from uni, working about 20 miles up the road. It isn't far, but it feels like a gulf, just because it means I won't be seeing the best friends I've ever had in my life every day, like I used to be able to. I'm scared of making new friends, because I don't trust myself to be able to do so. What I find I keep having to tell myself is that all these things are simply self-fulfilling prophecies; if I want to see my old friends, all I need to do is make the 20 minute drive. If I want to meet new ones, I just have to throw myself into my new life- people from work, people from LGS, people from reenactment, people from whatever weird hobby I find next. And trust that within these new circles, there will be people who I can become as good if not better friends with than those I've already met. My friends right now are great and very special to me, but it doesn't mean they're unique. And beyond that, I've always got LRR The internet is a wonderful thing.

...OK, that turned into more of a text wall than I intended. Huh.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[AdmiralMemo]

I'm tired of being tired... I think I need some focus in my life...

[Avistew]

My depression has been really, really bad lately. To the point of wanting to stay in bed and do nothing, of suddenly getting all teared up over nothing, and taking pretty much everything personally. I do get out of bed mostly because the dogs need to be walked, so I do get some sun as well but it's been harsh lately.

When I moved from California to Oregon I lost my health insurance, because while Covered California had me covered, the Oregon one only covers citizens, not permanent residents, so I was denied insurance.
Now that my husband has a job (he started last Monday) I can apply for insurance independently though (I couldn't before as it was not the proper application period). So I did a bit ago and will seek treatment as soon as I can, but so far I haven't had any response. I do know that if it gets accepted, then I'll be covered starting in July, and after that I'll probably need at least a couple of weeks before anything kicks in.

In the meantime I've been pretty much unable to work on my webcomic and I hate it. I burned through my whole buffer and have now reached the point of missing updates. I do work on it when I can, but "when I can" is not often.

I'm having trouble telling the days apart, too, because I'm so tired.

[JustAName]

What do you do when you're pretty down but everyone around you has their own (usually more serious) shit to deal with?

[Avistew]

That's always a tough one. Nobody's available to talk but it's not their fault, and then you feel worse for feeling bad. I try to find something I enjoy, although when I'm feeling down I enjoy less stuff. Things that can work involve comedy (either comedy TV shows or stand-up comedy. Sometimes panel shows), games and relaxing activities (for me, knitting for instance. For some people, exercising or meditating).

If it's something that will pass, then weathering it is good. Waiting for it to pass and trying to do damage control. If it's a long-term thing though, medical help should be sought as soon as possible since it can take a while before it helps.

[JustAName]

And it's not just that they can't talk, it's that I end up doing the lion's share of work around here. And they acknowledge that and tell me they're grateful sometimes, and I know I *should* be doing it to help them out because I *can* do it and maybe they can't, but...

I'm so tired. I'm tired of being the one who has it together enough not to lose control of her life, because it means that I don't have it as bad as everyone else, so I don't really have the right to complain.

I know it's super unfair, but I am so. Puzzled. By my friends who have dropped out despite having lighter course loads than I did. And I know my one friend in particular probably needed meds, and thanks to my pushing she's finally getting them, but she's not going to go back now. She's done with school, and I got her a job, so it's not like she needs it. And pointing out how lucky she's been to have parents willing to pay for all of her schooling, a boyfriend with whom she could live and who would support her after she stopped going to school, and me to get her a job... Like, that would be shitty. She knows all this. It doesn't stop her anxiety. But I still feel resentful sometimes, and it sucks.

I just really don't like being the one who has it together enough that I feel obligated to be there for everyone else, too.

[the_lone_bard]

I am so thoroughly not caught up on this thread, but, who said you have to have it together to be there for them?

I'm about as much of a psychological wreck as you can get at this point, and I'm still there for my friends. And they're there for me. Everyone is built differently, and can take a different level of stress. This is why 2 people, when faced with identicle horrible situations react differently, one might commit suicide and another might come out of it stronger, determined to live a happy life and make the most of it. You can't judge your friend for dropping out just because she had a lighter course load than you. You might have handled her course with ease, but if she didn't I'd say if she was faced with yours she'd have collapsed under the weight of it quicker. People are just different like that, and to make it more complicated some people can handle different types of stress better than others. Psychology's fun like that!

But, where did you ever get the notion you don't have a right to complain? There is no heirarchy of badness. There is just bad. If something is bad for you, it's bad for you, and therefore you are entitled to talk about it, and your friends should be supporting you with it. The same way you support them. When they talk to you about their problems, you don't turn around and start talking about how much worse you have it do you? Then why should they do that? And if they do, what gives them the right? That's not a sign of someone having a bad time, it's the sign of someone who is after attention rather than help. I've been there and since cut out everyone in my life who did that. If they are a real friend, it should NEVER turn into a "Who's got it worse" competition. It should be two people there to support eachother through eachothers problems.

If you feel obligated to never mention your problems in the first place, then you shouldn't. Hell, I've spoken to you what, a dozen times in the past year including DB chat, and I'm happy to talk with you if you ever need it, and I'm not gonna sit here and go "Oh well she's got nothing compared to what I do!"

If you feel like you HAVE to be there for people, you don't. It's the sign of a good person that you feel this way, it means you have an abundance of empathy which helps make up for all the people who have none, but it's not your job to hold everyone else up. I made that mistake years back and nearly killed myself as a result, and everyone I know who's tried it has wound up going the same route I did... Some didn't stop at nearly.

I know it probably goes against your instincts, but you need to stop trying to hold everyone else up while ignoring yourself. The people that aren't willing to be there for you simply because they have bigger problems than yours aren't the sort of people you should be interested in helping to begin with. And if you just don't feel like you can mention your problems, again, different people can take different levels of different things, your problems aren't any less valid than theirs, ya know how I know that? Because they're your PROBLEMS not your minor annoyances. Let me put it this way. 1 person gets raped. 1 person gets beaten so bad they wind up in hopstitle. Objectively, a beating heals. Does the person who got beat into hopstitle have no right to complain about it?

[JustAName]

None of that really helps the fact that I have to clean up their messes on a regular basis 'cuz I'm the only one in the apartment who cares enough to keep it tidy.