The Big Relationship Thread

[Elomin Sha]

Asked. Failed.

[Lord Hosk]

You asked someone out and they said no? thats not a failure.

[Jamfalcon]

Agreed. As much as it might feel like it came down to how you presented yourself, if the answer was no, that probably was going to be the result regardless of how you asked the question, that's not on you. You put yourself out there and tried, that's as much as you can do. Good job on that, and I'm sorry it didn't work out this time.

[Lord Hosk]

Agreed. As much as it might feel like it came down to how you presented yourself, if the answer was no, that probably was going to be the result regardless of how you asked the question, that's not on you. You put yourself out there and tried, that's as much as you can do. Good job on that, and I'm sorry it didn't work out this time.

^^^^^
That is the much more eloquent way of saying what I was trying to. Good job Jamfalcon and good job Elomin Sha

[Elomin Sha]

Her reason was because she was going to uni in another city over. I knew that was happening.

Thanks for the positive, but failure is still a failure for me. Which isn't a bad thing.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

Two of my close friends are getting married in two weeks.
A close friend is now going out with my sister.

My bachelor status is really being a reminder right now.
There is no one in this country who I have feelings for.
I don't want to go out looking for people since I feel like this is a wrong time to conclude if I want to start a relationship with a stranger.

The only person who I have strong feelings for is in another country. And even then I could just be creating a fantasy around these emotions. Pretending I have romantic feelings for this fabricated version of this person.

I am grateful for what I have with them already. I don't want to threaten that by in my mind pretending there's something which there isn't. All I know is I am exceptionally fond of them and I love them as intensely as I love my sister. Can't my mind just stay thinking like that, and only think about romantic things if it actually becomes relevant. He has set the bar. If I meet someone who I think of as much or more of them, then I know they are someone to consider.

He's the only person who'd I happily be completely honest with.

I don't have to ever get into a relationship. But there is a part of my heart that pines to care for someone and be cared for in return in a mutual living relationship.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Bumping this thread for a bit of personal win- I actually asked somebody out for the first time yesterday! (A lassie from work, for those who are interested) For me, quite a big personal milestone given the chip on my shoulder I have about relationships and stuff. To make it even better, she agreed... I think.

To explain- I asked her via Facebook (as much as anything so that I could make use of the requisite courage whilst I had it), but went for the slightly subtle 'would you like to come for a drink or meal some time?' approach (since it was what came across as least creepy in my head). She seemed keen, and we spent a bunch of time trying to organise our schedules (she more than me is very busy for the next couple of weeks), so from that perspective all is great. I'm just not entirely sure if she... got what I'm asking, y'know?

Ah well, probably just me overthinking it.

[JustAName]

Hey, that's great! And even if she did only interpret it as a friend date, you can always move things in a more romantic direction later on. This is a great first step, and I'm really proud of you for working up the courage to ask someone out!

[Elomin Sha]

Congratulations.

[Jamfalcon]

That's awesome, congratulations!

Funny coincidence this thread is back at the top, too... I was just thinking about posting to say the following:
How do you know when it's really love? I'm guessing when you're playing a video game together (Life is Strange) and both misinterpret something in the same weird, completely wrong way (thinking a character is about to suggest pooping in somebody's office). Doesn't get more romantic than that.

Or maybe cuz she reorganized her schedule and did a bunch of work ahead of time to make it across the border and up to stay with me for my birthday today. I guess that's pretty cool too.

[Phailhammer]

Yup. That sounds about right.

On another thread-related note, I am on my way to Melbourne again to see my girlfriend.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Aw, thanks guys!

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Apologies for double post, but she just messaged asking if I wanted to go for a coffee tomorrow... wish me luck guys!

[Ptangmatik]

Good luck man! Great for you mate.

[Praüser]

I decided to try online dating again. I was on OK Cupid a few years ago and while I met a wonderful girl who I've remained friends with I didn't find a relationship.

One thing I've noticed is that many of these sites don't seem to like external linking. I've tried to put my facebook link in my profile on several dating sites and had my profile entirely deleted. Is this standard practice? It's a bit disheartenjng, FB gives more if a look at who I am as a person, my friends, my likes etc. And in many cases for safety reasons it's a good idea to look someone up on facebook before going on a date, so I had that kind of mindset and provide that up front.

I don't know, I'm 'only' 28, and out of three relationships one has lasted more than a few months. I know that's better than nil but I want something long lasting.

[Avistew]

Yeah, it seems pretty standard. Usually you'd give a link to your facebook profile (or email address, or any personal information) after exchanging a few messages with someone, still way before a first date. Better for you, too, this way only the people you've screened will see it, rather than everyone who goes on your profile. You could get spammed pretty bad.

You can try replacing it with a sentence saying you'll be happy to provide a link to your facebook account to people who ask?

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

Two of my good friends got married last September.
My sister and a good friend of mine are now going out.

I feel a background pining to be in a loving relationship with someone where we have mutual love and it's awesome and great and will optimistically evolve into a life partner scenario.

I look at my social contacts I have in the UK now and I don't see anyone I feel this way for. I don't look at contacts outside because I have a friend whose friendship I treasure deeply and I do not want to risk it by constructing an infatuation with an avatar of them in my mind. Where I interpenetrate all signs of affection into signs of romance. I did that before. I was not good. I don't want to entertain that thought unless I receive definite indication.

But anyway. How do I manage these feelings of feeling lonesome and wanting to have someone partner to enjoy intimate affectionate company with?

I don't have these feelings allll the time. But times like this I just want to snuggle up to someone who I have deep affection for.

[RoboNixon]

I'm no relationship expert, but I hear a lot of myself in these posts. Desiring affection but being too scared/shy to try. No clue if someone likes me in that way or is just a friend. Should I ruin this friendship in the hopes of something more? I spent 27 years alone that way and the only advice I can give is, try.

My default state was too assess a person and think about how/when the relationship would fail, so why bother. I got a dog (which did help with the blues) but made no effort to date and was depressed generally. Then everything changed.

I had a work friend who was cute but taken. We lived close by one another and would walk our dogs together. Eventually, she broke up with her boyfriend, who was another coworker. She confessed she liked me, but I turned her down. Idiot, right? A cute girl tells me she's interested, but all I can think is how it will end and be ackward at work. I agonized over it, lost sleep, kicked myself, and debated. And then I had a profound moment, when I realized I would regret not even trying more than things not working out.

We just celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary last week.

I almost missed the best thing that's ever happened to me because I was terrified of failure. Be honest with yourself and go after what you want. You may get hurt or you may find something incredible, but you won't find anything without effort.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

For me I see no one I feel drawn to.
Someone I feel drawn to I consider a brother and I don't want to repeat a mistake of guessing their sexuality and getting it wrong.
This time made more difficult by Spanish men being considerably a lot more tactile with expressing feelings towards each other. So I do not want to entertain a fantasy because I am someone who will let the fantasy cloud the reality. I will remain strong and wait.

You know, if they were of the opposite sex this would be a lot easier since the society norm is heterosexuality.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Merry, this advice is going to sound harsh, but trust me on this:

Move the f**k along.

The world nowadays has seven billion people in it. As a gay man, and using the time honoured '1 in 10' stat, this gives you roughly 350 million like-minded folk to choose from. I'm willing to accept a fairly wide tolerance on that number, but there are a LOT of potential partners for you out there.

And absolutely goddamn NONE OF THEM are going to walk into your life without you making an effort. So go and do things. Things you have no idea if you'll enjoy or not. Meet people. Meet a bunch of jerks. Lose the jerks. Meet more people. Meet nice people. Find friends in the nice people, but nothing more. So keep looking. Meet more people. Find a guy you're interested, date for a while. It doesn't work out- so you go and meet more people. That's how this kinda thing works- it took me twenty years to figure it out, but now I'm starting to it's like a revelation.

People frequently get hung up on the people they know and people around them because they're safe and easy people to interact with, but with a world such as ours there are enough people that there is no earthly point complaining that so-and-so isn't right for you. There isn't just someone out there for you- there are thousands and thousands of someones just waiting for you to meet them. So if you can't think of anyone you feel drawn to- get out and GO FIND THEM

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

The advice you gave me rings a bell.

Do I have to find anyone though?

[Lord Chrusher]

No, you don't have to do anything.

On a somewhat related note, I am feeling a little lonely in Liverpool. I do not so much mean that I am sad that I am single, although I am interested in a relationship, but that I do not really have a social life other than drinking with my coworkers after work. I am more than a little intimidated about going out in search of social contact; it is too easy for me to stay home all weekend playing computer games.

On the plus side, I am going to see a friend in London this coming weekend.

[viscomica]

The advice you gave me rings a bell.

Do I have to find anyone though?

Reading your posts the only sensible courses of action seem to be:
a) you move along (like it was already suggested)
or b) you take the leap and see what happens.
Mmm I think that in dating (as well as with a lot of other things in life) you can't play safe, you have to take chances.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Merry: You don't HAVE to find anyone. I just thought if you were feeling lonely, at least the pursuit might keep you occupied.

Chrusher: Dude, if you want something to do of a weekend, feel free to hop on a train to the Midlands and come say hi. I can't offer you a huge amount of excitement, but I can offer a place to stay, some fresh company and a bit of distraction. PM me any time if you're interested

And next up, we have the next installment in the ongoing saga of 'Ix makes his first tentative steps into the dating pool'. When we last left our hero, I'd just been asked to coffee by the lass from work who I'd asked out. As it turns out, she literally just wanted to chat and chill for a bit, which made a lot of my mental preparation seem a little pointless but was decent craic nonetheless. Anyway, after her schedule had cleared up, we made plans to go out for a meal midway through last week- but before anything could be locked down, she messaged me saying that things had got really confusing and stuff in her personal life and she shouldn't really be seeing anyone else, so could we postpone?

Of course, the only gentlemanly response to this is to say "Of course, you take time to get yourself in order, there's no hurry etc. etc.", so I did. Since then we've been chatting a bunch over a mixture of email and in-person whilst at work, and Facebook whilst away from it. We went out to see Crimson Peak yesterday (worth seeing if you are a particular fan of very old-school Gothic horror, otherwise merely a well done but not especially interesting piece of cinema), not as a date but just as a friendly thing, and afterwards I asked if the 'confusion' had died down and she'd be willing to give a proper date a try.

From subsequent conversation, it turns out that the confusion is thus: she's had a history of relationships that haven't ended particularly well, with a number of them getting to the 'picking out wedding dresses and baby names' phase inside three months. More crucially, a variety of male friends, exes and a "stalker" have been making advances, which is understandably a difficult situation for the lass when she wants to keep her friends, but as friends. And then I've come wading in

She's going on holiday next week and has said that she'd be potentially up for doing something if she comes back with a clearer mind. I'm perfectly happy to accept this, but...where does this leave me? Well, if she does come back feeling that I'm worth chancing, then I'd say in a reasonably good place, but if not... well, disappointing though it is, my rational mind reckons that the time has probably past, and it's time to start thinking of her as no more than a friend. In which case, I still reckon I've done pretty well out of the situation- I've actually asked someone out, which I'm proud of, I've managed to build up a modicum of experience for future reference, and of course I've got a new friend whose company I enjoy very much.

So... yeah. I think that's where I am. Thoughts, anyone?

[Bebop Man]

IX: I have a rep for cutting short these "will they/won't they" forum chronicles, so don't take this personally.

I don't see the dilemma. I don't know what YOU'RE confused about. You know what you feel, and how you feel about it. She's the one that has to figure things out. This is entirely her move. So she's "confused", what are you going to do about it? Pressure her out of her "confusion"? Just let her to it. If she really, really wanted to be with you, she wouldn't be wishy-washy about it. And even if you give her the benefit of the doubt regarding "extenuating circumstances", so what? Again, let her to it. It's her problem. You know how YOU feel. You've made YOUR point. Ball's in her side of the court.