The depressing depression thread

[Danielle Pepin]

Jobs which keep you indoors for the best part of the sunlight hours of UVB without having on site sunlamps that replace the right amount of UVB to keep humans healthy should be outlawed.

[Arclight_Dynamo]

Dutch guy:

I know that feeling - I've been there.

Do you have anyone, a friend or family member, who could help you with setting up appointments and the like? It might make it easier for you to see a professional if you don't need to deal with all the BS of getting it in order.

Danielle:

They might actually already be outlawed. If you have a diagnosis of SAD, your employer might be required to either allow or provide you with sunlamps under disability and human rights legislation. I don't know the details, but it might be a thing to look into.

[Dutch guy]

Dutch guy:

I know that feeling - I've been there.

Do you have anyone, a friend or family member, who could help you with setting up appointments and the like? It might make it easier for you to see a professional if you don't need to deal with all the BS of getting it in order.

Setting up the appointment wouldn't be that hard. I have already discussed my mental issues with my GP, I can just ask him for a referral and there is actually a mental health clinic right in the same building as my GPs office. It's actually going to them and "working on myself" that I just can't handle right now. (There's a lot more going on than "simple" depression)

[RytelCSF]

It's looking like I'm not going to be able to attend therapy like I've been wanting to, because my insurance will only cover the costs of specialists who chiefly deal with X mental illness I don't have, and I can't afford it otherwise.

[betsytheripper]

Content warning for animal death.

I hit a cat with my car last night. It's tearing me up. I didn't have time to take my foot off the gas, it was so fast. I wasn't speeding or anything and I feel so guilty.

I have two cats of my own, indoor only, and the fact that I've taken someone's baby from them... That I wanted to leave ten minutes earlier and actually didn't want to go to that event at all but did, that I could have so easily prevented this.

I turned around and stopped and went to the cat, which didn't have a collar. The lady whose house I was in front of ve out to check out the noise. She recognized it as being from the neighborhood, but didn't know whose. She took my name and number so that when she found out they could contact me. I want to tell them how sorry I am. I remember just repeatedly sobbing "I'm so sorry" while she tried to calm me down. She said, "even though it's tragic, it's not your fault, sometimes you can't control these things." She and her son got it off the road.

What really is going to haunt me? (Collapse for gore)

Click to Expand

The crunch. That when I turned around, I saw the body spasming and writhing from massive brain trauma. That it was flailing like it was in pain. That I watched it die and couldn't do anything, that I caused that.

It's been 18 hours and I've spent 5 of them asleep and 6-7 of them crying. I already had a nightmare about it.

I called my mom as soon as I got home last night, and we talked for an hour. I texted the partner that something happened and he called me as soon as he woke up, and talked to him for an hour. I've managed to stay busy today, and most of this week will have to be a face of normalcy. But those images. I'm going to make any appointment with a counselor to talk about how to recover from this experience in a healthy way.

But I feel like a monster. I feel like I don't deserve to have my babies healthy and well. I'm a murderer and I don't know how I'm going to live with myself.

Apologies for any typos. Not in the best state and on mobile.

[AdmiralMemo]

I am an idiot, a moron, and a waste of skin who doesn't deserve to live.

I was supposed to show my house off to two potential renters today... I got home a little early, started reading, fell asleep, and woke up an hour ago. One of the people is understandably pissed off. She needs to move tomorrow.

And to top it off, by falling asleep, I missed my afternoon dose of medicine, so my mouth is killing me at the moment.

I don't even know what to do now...

[JustAName]

Betsy, you are not a monster. It was not your fault. You know that, we know that. It sucks. God, it sucks, but it's going to be okay. It wasn't your fault. Your cats deserve to be happy with you and you deserve to be happy with them. You don't need punishment for an accident.

[Dutch guy]

I am an idiot, a moron, and a waste of skin who doesn't deserve to live.

I was supposed to show my house off to two potential renters today... I got home a little early, started reading, fell asleep, and woke up an hour ago. One of the people is understandably pissed off. She needs to move tomorrow.

And to top it off, by falling asleep, I missed my afternoon dose of medicine, so my mouth is killing me at the moment.

I don't even know what to do now...

These things happen, they don't make you a waste of skin. You are NOT! And you are NOT an idiot or a moron. Clearly your body needed rest. It can happen.
As for the medicine, check the box or label. It probably has a note on what to do for a missed dose.

[Dutch guy]

Content warning for animal death.

I hit a cat with my car last night. It's tearing me up. I didn't have time to take my foot off the gas, it was so fast. I wasn't speeding or anything and I feel so guilty.

I have two cats of my own, indoor only, and the fact that I've taken someone's baby from them... That I wanted to leave ten minutes earlier and actually didn't want to go to that event at all but did, that I could have so easily prevented this.

I turned around and stopped and went to the cat, which didn't have a collar. The lady whose house I was in front of ve out to check out the noise. She recognized it as being from the neighborhood, but didn't know whose. She took my name and number so that when she found out they could contact me. I want to tell them how sorry I am. I remember just repeatedly sobbing "I'm so sorry" while she tried to calm me down. She said, "even though it's tragic, it's not your fault, sometimes you can't control these things." She and her son got it off the road.

What really is going to haunt me? (Collapse for gore)

Click to Expand

The crunch. That when I turned around, I saw the body spasming and writhing from massive brain trauma. That it was flailing like it was in pain. That I watched it die and couldn't do anything, that I caused that.

It's been 18 hours and I've spent 5 of them asleep and 6-7 of them crying. I already had a nightmare about it.

I called my mom as soon as I got home last night, and we talked for an hour. I texted the partner that something happened and he called me as soon as he woke up, and talked to him for an hour. I've managed to stay busy today, and most of this week will have to be a face of normalcy. But those images. I'm going to make any appointment with a counselor to talk about how to recover from this experience in a healthy way.

But I feel like a monster. I feel like I don't deserve to have my babies healthy and well. I'm a murderer and I don't know how I'm going to live with myself.

Apologies for any typos. Not in the best state and on mobile.

Don't beat yourself up over this. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. That you decided to go somewhere or not is not a way you could have prevented this. It could then have been someone else and the end result would have been the same. Just because you hit a cat that ran out in front of your car doesn't mean you are a monster. You didn't go looking for a cat to run over and murder and you feel bad about it happening. That kind of means you are the exact opposite of a monster.

[betsytheripper]

Thank you, Fay and Dutch guy. The owner of the cat called me this morning, and she doesn't blame me. She said his name was John Wayne, and that he was a wild spirit, and she always worried something like this would happen, but she knows that I would have stopped if I could have. It's given me a sense of peace, knowing that she doesn't blame me, even though I'm not ready to forgive myself.

[Avistew]

I'm so sorry that this happened, Besty, it must be really hard *hugs* to you. You're a sweet person or you wouldn't care this much. I'm sure it was traumatic and it will take some time to feel better over it, even if it's not something that you will just forget about.

I was having some sexual side effects from my antidepressants and while they didn't bother me all that much, one of my boyfriends pushed me to see if I could get that sorted out, and so I talked to my doctor and she switched my meds.

Well, I'm at that point where the new meds aren't working yet, and so I'm depressed again. Right now, I'm listening to some music composed by my other boyfriend, and feeling completely worthless. He's such an amazing person, he works hard, he's a talented developer and game designer, and he's also an artist (I saw his drawings, they're pretty amazing, much better than anything I could ever do) and now I learn he's also a talented composer? I feel like I don't deserve to be with someone as awesome as him. I'm feeling like there is such a big gap between us. He's like the person I would like to be but never will be.

I know part of it is the depression coming back. But that's not the only thing. Even when my meds were working, I didn't go back to updating my comic regularly. I don't have a steady job, only some freelance translation that I got out of sheer luck. And I don't work hard. I do the bare minimum.

I realise listening to someone putting themself down is... well, at wort annoying, and I best there isn't much you can do to help... But I wanted to share because I figure other people here have had that feeling before.

I'm truly grateful to have such an amazing person in my life. It's definitely not his fault that I'm feeling worthless in comparison, and it's not like I wouldn't feel that way compared to someone else if I didn't have him (so many talented people around). But I'm really wondering what he sees in me.

*shrugs* I hope the meds start working soon so I can regain some self-confidence. Rationally I know that there are things I am good at but right now it doesn't ring true at all.

Hugs to everyone. This community is very supportive and I'm glad to have you around.

[Kronopticon]

I've had a long standing stalemate with my depression. At one point several years ago when I was having a few too many thoughts that were... concerning, I went and got medication for it. A reasonable step in and of itself. Which worked. Sorta.

It took them a little while to find the right drugs, which I was still never sure about. The first set of drugs gave me rapid mood swings from deliriously happy to horrifically angry at the slightest provocation. So I changed them, and the second set didn't give me mood swings, and the depression wasnt affecting me. I wasn't feeling down; but much to my chagrin I wasn't feeling anything. Which I would describe as almost being just as bad.

I lost interest in the very basic things I used to enjoy and just shut down. Which is why I came to the conclusion that the very reason to live is to feel. Without that we are but a stone being eroded by the sea.

But things started improving for me. Situationally anyway. So I went off the meds. They took the edge off for me while I was having the worst time of it. But the side-effects didn't leave them to be an option for me in the long term. But I've managed since then without. Even though I've had a few blips in my little stalemate, I'm still enjoying life.

Despite recent circumstances sending me into a little spiral. E.g. recently crashing my car and fracturing my spine. But I'm not immobile from that. Though I cant travel so much at the minute, haven't seen my friends for weeks now since they live so far away and my lack of ability to work, Im doing better than I thought I would. Mostly because I'm just glad I'm alive and feeling.

[Danielle Pepin]

I am an idiot, a moron, and a waste of skin who doesn't deserve to live.

Hope you're feeling better now. You are a person that cares about people despite any mistakes and that's value! Thank you for being here and helping in this thread when you can.

To be looking at places the day before she needs to move sounds like her circumstance may have been partly her own fault having to choose or inspect a place the day before she moves, so some of her being pissed off should have been at herself or those making her move right then.

Kronopticon: You are very lucky to still be able to move! I'm glad you are still enjoying life and hope things keep improving.

Avistew: I think the energy returning to do more comes as gradually as it leaves when recovering...depending too on self-care getting enough vitamin D and exercise for the other brain chemistry to keep things moving forward. I sorta been feeling that way this week, not sure if I've had a cold or not, so I just did minimum. Confidence similar to energy will probably come back the more you exercise it as long as the chemistry doesn't become imbalanced again. You mentioned a comic...now I'm interested to see it.

[Avistew]

Avistew: I think the energy returning to do more comes as gradually as it leaves when recovering...depending too on self-care getting enough vitamin D and exercise for the other brain chemistry to keep things moving forward. I sorta been feeling that way this week, not sure if I've had a cold or not, so I just did minimum. Confidence similar to energy will probably come back the more you exercise it as long as the chemistry doesn't become imbalanced again. You mentioned a comic...now I'm interested to see it.

Thanks! My boyfriend and I have been working out together and I think it really helps with the motivation part of it, both because we remind each other to do it and don't get away with being lazy, and because since he's progressing faster than I am it motivates me to push myself more so I'm not completely left behind! My doctor did tell me to up my vitamin D intake so I've been taking a multivitamin.

Here is a link to the first page of my comic. I don't know when it will start updating again (let alone do so on a regular basis) and there are only 15 pages so far, but I hope you will like it

[Danielle Pepin]

I hope it's a vitamin with at least 1000IU of D3 which is the type to aim for. Somehow your comic made me feel better after seeing some art which made me feel overwhelmed a few days ago...I'm not sure why.

[Phi]

Someone told me today that my depression may be a result of me being vegan. In blood tests I have no issues, and I was very depressed way before I became vegan. I don't believe in a correlation here, but I was wondering what the lrrfolk think.

[Avistew]

Some people will blame pretty much anything on being vegetarian/vegan. If your blood tests are fine, you're good. There is no known correlation between eating animals or animal products and having good mental health.

Make sure you get your nutrition through whatever foods you decide to eat, be active, take meds if they are prescribed to you, and you'll be fine. Adding meat, eggs or dairy to your diet won't help if you're already doing everything right.

[JustAName]

What Avistew said.

[bv310]

Some people will blame pretty much anything on being vegetarian/vegan. If your blood tests are fine, you're good. There is no known correlation between eating animals or animal products and having good mental health.

Make sure you get your nutrition through whatever foods you decide to eat, be active, take meds if they are prescribed to you, and you'll be fine. Adding meat, eggs or dairy to your diet won't help if you're already doing everything right.

This. People in general want to have a single focused cause to blame for depression/mental illness. It takes away the "It could happen to me" fear if they can go "Oh, it won't happen to me because I'm not vegan/vegetarian/single/traumatized/bullied/etc."

The last two are very personally familiar right now. Looking for something to blame when mental illness is found is a human reaction, and is really frustrating.

[AdmiralMemo]

Having another period where my emotions can be summed up via the awesome picture from Alex...

I am tired... - Click to Expand

On the plus side... whenever I get angry... that always seems to be when I'm the most productive? I never understand it...

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Anger is an incredibly productive driver; that's the whole point. It's your body's way of getting you to do shit NOW, because that's when it needs doing, and to think about it later. Unfortunately, rational thought doesn't usually sit well with this.

[AdmiralMemo]

I have good news and should feel positive about things... but all I want to do is to either shoot myself in the head or just never leave the house ever again and play single-player games for the rest of my life.

Note: Don't be concerned about me doing anything rash, just to be clear. These are the same types of thoughts I've fought off time and time again. I just need to struggle through. Suicidal thoughts are usually more about "I want to end this life" more than "I want to end life itself." And right now, this life I'm living, despite the positives, feels rotten.

[Mothra Fighter]

Anger is an incredibly productive driver; that's the whole point. It's your body's way of getting you to do shit NOW, because that's when it needs doing, and to think about it later. Unfortunately, rational thought doesn't usually sit well with this.

Anger is an energy, anger is an energy...

Anger can be a great motivator. But it's always worth asking: who or what am I angry at? Why? In my experiences with anger, it, when not properly directed or controlled, leads to seeking out scapegoats to avoid personal responsibility. A righteous indignation lashing out at real and perceived wrongs to justify self-pity. Or it directs itself inward and furthers the lies depression tells. It's the same righteous lashing out, but the attacks are on one's sense of self and well-being; whipping the life away from both. Like you say, rational thought doesn't usually sit well with anger.

Still, though, you're right that it can be a source of productive energy. What I described are the detriments of unbridled anger. To continue my tradition of spamming links in most of my posts, this blog by Dr Nerdlove is a very good starting point for thinking about productive anger.

Sample quote (though the whole blog is worth reading, as are the comments surprisingly enough):

Anger, when you harness it properly, can be a powerful force for positive change. Anger has a remarkable way of focusing your mind on your goals – it acts like blinders, narrowing your attention, not to what makes you angry, but to potential rewards. In fact, despite what you might suspect, angry people tend to be optimistic. Anger, you see, helps you believe that the future is within our control and that we have greater ability to affect the outcome. That outlook is powerful; when we’re beset by obstacles, anger can help keep us motivated to work past it by empowering us to believe that not only can we change things but to do it by keeping our attention focused on the rewards at the end. Of course, before you do that, you need to remember...

May the road rise with you.

[AdmiralMemo]

But it's always worth asking: who or what am I angry at?

In this case, it was particularly LRL Chat that I was upset at. Long story short, I was like "Please don't do the thing because it won't help me" and no less than three people immediately did the thing.

[Dutch guy]

Someone told me today that my depression may be a result of me being vegan. In blood tests I have no issues, and I was very depressed way before I became vegan. I don't believe in a correlation here, but I was wondering what the lrrfolk think.

I just want to add to the previous comments that there has never been any research providing even the slightest hint at a correlation between food and depression. You being vegan has nothing to do with depression. Being tired or feeling weak could be linked to nutritional issues but I suspect you know enough about nutrition to keep yourself alive on a vegan diet or you probably wouldn't be vegan