The Big Relationship Thread

Drop by and talk about anything you want. This is where all cheese-related discussions should go
User avatar
Elomin Sha
Posts: 15773
Joined: 22 Feb 2008, 05:14
First Video: Max Effect
Location: Woodford Green, England
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 19 Apr 2016, 11:49

It was good. Here's a photo of my girlfriend sitting on a park bench.

Image

Oh wait....


JOKES!
The most unique, nicest, and confusing individual you will get to know. Don't be stupid around me, that's my job.
https://displate.com/elominsha/galleries
If you need art, I take commissions, PM me.
User avatar
Lord Chrusher
Can't Drink Possible Beers
Posts: 8913
Joined: 29 Apr 2005, 22:53
First Video: Door to Door
Location: In England.

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 19 Apr 2016, 16:09

If Elomin Sha can do it, I need to get over my (mild) social anxieties and try this online dating thing.
Image
We are all made of star dust. However we are also made of nuclear waste.
Remember to think before you post.
Image
User avatar
Elomin Sha
Posts: 15773
Joined: 22 Feb 2008, 05:14
First Video: Max Effect
Location: Woodford Green, England
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 20 Apr 2016, 08:49

Go for it.
I've done squat really as I'm not expecting much out of this.

Scared one person off after making sure they weren't making a euphemism after that girl trying to get me to watch her on skype do stuff.
When I admit in profile I'm prone to putting my foot in my mouth, you can't be surprised when I ask YOUR meaning about "being able to put my foot my mouth" and are surprised by my response.
I don't think anyone is ready for full Elomin.
The most unique, nicest, and confusing individual you will get to know. Don't be stupid around me, that's my job.
https://displate.com/elominsha/galleries
If you need art, I take commissions, PM me.
User avatar
betsytheripper
Posts: 251
Joined: 12 Nov 2013, 21:49
First Video: Scientist's Rebuttal to ICP
Location: Fields and Cows and Fields

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby betsytheripper » 24 Apr 2016, 15:53

Guh I'm frustrated and this is going to be a little bit a vent.

While we weren't talking, he decided that because I hadn't contacted him that I'd ended it. So when we finally talk on the phone he had the mindset that this is a "we'll still be friends" talk and I was blown away by this. I wanted to have a serious discussion about what miscommunications happened, and how we can work on that in the future. We did have that discussion, and when he realized I wanted to still be together he said he had to shift his mindset, since he already believed it was over, but that he still wanted to continue.

So I resume chattering at him via text as usual, and we plan to spend this weekend together like we had planned like a month ago, kind of "resume as was" with the better communication in mind. But he didn't seem to want to be here. He didn't seem to want to interact with me, and it felt like he was going through the motions. And I don't know what to think now. I brought up the topic of communication again this morning, because he's very secretive about everything to everyone ("secretive" was a word his friend used, not mine, though I'd already noticed this behavior), and I wanted to know why. He shut down, and would only say "that's just how I am" and that leaves me feeling like he doesn't trust me. He pretty quickly then took off. Didn't even shower here, though clearly he had been planning to.

I don't know what the fuck is going on. Why even agree to continue on if, it seems, he doesn't want to? Why doesn't he trust anyone? His oldest friends from high school don't even know his birthday for fuck's sake. I just don't fucking know.
-betsy
JustAName
Posts: 7669
Joined: 30 Mar 2010, 21:08
First Video: Rapidfire I
Location: The Land of Unbearably Fashionable People and Lots of Cars

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby JustAName » 25 Apr 2016, 02:36

I dunno, betsy. That sounds really tough to handle if he's not being open with you. :/ I'm so sorry; I know how psyched you were to have someone after that last fucknozzle.
Alja-Markir wrote:Andy is the LRR Heart-throb.
Morgan is the LRR Crotch-throb.


And all I can do is read a book to stay awake. And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape.

Image
User avatar
My pseudonym is Ix
Posts: 3835
Joined: 31 Dec 2012, 09:28
First Video: Canadian Girlfriend
Location: --. .-. . .- - / -... .-. .. - .- .. -.
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 25 Apr 2016, 02:40

Betsy, some people are just like that- I should know, I am (to a slightly lesser extent) one of them. I obviously cannot make any kind of intelligent comment on the behaviour of a person I've never met, but I would guess he has either felt he was betrayed on one or more occasions in his life previously, or simply doesn't trust people easily. If his oldest friends aren't close enough to remember birthdays, maybe it's unsurprising he doesn't have a great history with close relationships of any kind. It happens- some people are so afraid of getting hurt that they don't want to open themselves up, and others simply take it as a base level assumption that the universe is out to shit on them unless proven otherwise. That could explain why he assumed that lack of contact = relationship over- he just naturally assumed 'the worst', and it's taking him some time to get back into the swing of it.

All this is ultimately just theorising, but here's the rub- YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM CHANGE. Certainly not in the immediate future- people are always incredibly reluctant to change, particularly if it's something they consider to be a huge part of 'who they are'. And I know it's hard, but this is something you have to weigh up- is he worth fighting through communication difficulties that are his own personal challenge? If so, then this is a challenge you will have to work through together, and with not inconsiderable tact. To my mind, the best thing you can do for him is what's known in economics as an overcommitment strategy- make him as much a part of your life (and vice-versa) as possible, and encourage him to communicate by doing lots of it yourself. Deep and personal conversations are good, but steer away from the subject of communications to prevent him from shutting down. Take the time to rebuild a deep and close connection, and give him the time to let him learn to trust you. It will be a long and slow process, but only then will you be able to fight through the communications barrier- until then, make sure you focus on enjoying the good in him more than the annoying parts.
"Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable, let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not Image it after all."
User avatar
betsytheripper
Posts: 251
Joined: 12 Nov 2013, 21:49
First Video: Scientist's Rebuttal to ICP
Location: Fields and Cows and Fields

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby betsytheripper » 25 Apr 2016, 18:29

Thanks, especially Ix, I know I can't make him change and don't want to, but I do want to be a support system for him if he does want to change. I've nudged him a couple times to think about his life - he doesn't seem all that happy with his job - and other than that I've just been absolutely supportive of what he wants to do. Though I will note, it's not that his friends forget his birthday, it's that he has refused to tell them, for a decade plus. That's how secretive he is.

But last night we had a long talk. He said that he doesn't want to lose me, and that he doesn't know if he could pass the emotional threshold of a serious, long term relationship (I postulate that this has to do with why he's so secretive, there's some deep trust issues there, I would guess). These two things combined, he is considering ending it so that we can stay in each other's lives as friends, even though he'd still like to date me, because he wants to save me from hurting later and lose me entirely. I let him know that it's not his decision if I get hurt, that's a risk I'm already taking and perfectly willing to live with, and that it's not respectful of my autonomy to try to save me from something that may or may not ever happen, and if it does is at an indeterminate time in the future. That because of these reasons, he will absolutely lose me immediately and permanently if he decides it needs to end.

This consideration of his was weighing on his mind this weekend. I tried to convey that I do very much care about him and want him to be happy - and if being in the relationship makes him happy, as he said it did, then he should do that. Future be damned, we cannot know what will happen, and trying to do preventive damage control is pointless.

I'm afraid of the possibility that he's decided that he's incapable of love and will push me away because of it. No decision has been made, we're giving it a couple days to consider, and if he needs to, to discuss it with someone.

I'm even taking this time to consider his negative traits, to see if it is worth it for me to continue. And there are no deal breakers. There's nothing I can point to that would cause me to say that the relationship would definitely end. There's certainly things for us to work through, but I believe in us to do so. But I worry that this doubt in his head may plague him if we continue on, and that it will breed resentment, though the doubt, as expressed to me, is entirely about being unable to make me happy.

Baaaah I don't know. I really like him, like a lot, and this hurts. He's not perfect, and he's not absolutely everything I might want in a partner (Alexander Skarsgard he is not hahah), but I think in his qualities, he might be everything I need. I've never felt this equal in a relationship, neither taking the lead nor forced to take a back seat, compatible in all the important ways.

Okay so I'm crying and will stop now.

TL;DR: He wants to break up so we can be friends so he won't hurt me later but I said that that line of reasoning is personally pretty insulting to my autonomy and he'd lose me immediately. I really like him though and I'm very nervous and sad about what I feel is looming.
-betsy
User avatar
Bebop Man
Posts: 4465
Joined: 22 May 2013, 22:55
First Video: The Pirate Video
Location: The Black Lodge

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Bebop Man » 26 Apr 2016, 07:06

My advice is that you (anybody) shouldn't date a person who isn't as thrilled about being in a relationship as you are. And he seems pretty wishy-washy about the whole thing.
Image
User avatar
Deedles
Posts: 4043
Joined: 29 Nov 2010, 13:19
First Video: Man Cooking
Location: A shoebox on Kashyyyk.
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Deedles » 26 Apr 2016, 10:55

betsytheripper wrote:Thanks, especially Ix, I know I can't make him change and don't want to, but I do want to be a support system for him if he does want to change. I've nudged him a couple times to think about his life - he doesn't seem all that happy with his job - and other than that I've just been absolutely supportive of what he wants to do. Though I will note, it's not that his friends forget his birthday, it's that he has refused to tell them, for a decade plus. That's how secretive he is.

But last night we had a long talk. He said that he doesn't want to lose me, and that he doesn't know if he could pass the emotional threshold of a serious, long term relationship (I postulate that this has to do with why he's so secretive, there's some deep trust issues there, I would guess). These two things combined, he is considering ending it so that we can stay in each other's lives as friends, even though he'd still like to date me, because he wants to save me from hurting later and lose me entirely. I let him know that it's not his decision if I get hurt, that's a risk I'm already taking and perfectly willing to live with, and that it's not respectful of my autonomy to try to save me from something that may or may not ever happen, and if it does is at an indeterminate time in the future. That because of these reasons, he will absolutely lose me immediately and permanently if he decides it needs to end.

This consideration of his was weighing on his mind this weekend. I tried to convey that I do very much care about him and want him to be happy - and if being in the relationship makes him happy, as he said it did, then he should do that. Future be damned, we cannot know what will happen, and trying to do preventive damage control is pointless.

I'm afraid of the possibility that he's decided that he's incapable of love and will push me away because of it. No decision has been made, we're giving it a couple days to consider, and if he needs to, to discuss it with someone.

I'm even taking this time to consider his negative traits, to see if it is worth it for me to continue. And there are no deal breakers. There's nothing I can point to that would cause me to say that the relationship would definitely end. There's certainly things for us to work through, but I believe in us to do so. But I worry that this doubt in his head may plague him if we continue on, and that it will breed resentment, though the doubt, as expressed to me, is entirely about being unable to make me happy.

Baaaah I don't know. I really like him, like a lot, and this hurts. He's not perfect, and he's not absolutely everything I might want in a partner (Alexander Skarsgard he is not hahah), but I think in his qualities, he might be everything I need. I've never felt this equal in a relationship, neither taking the lead nor forced to take a back seat, compatible in all the important ways.

Okay so I'm crying and will stop now.

TL;DR: He wants to break up so we can be friends so he won't hurt me later but I said that that line of reasoning is personally pretty insulting to my autonomy and he'd lose me immediately. I really like him though and I'm very nervous and sad about what I feel is looming.


I think you should keep at it. You care for him and he cares for you, that much is stated out-right. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll decide to continue the relationship, I think you two could be good for each other, because just that communication that you two had(and you've relayed here) is good communication!

What I'm trying to say is that it sounds like you both really want this relationship, so I hope it works out!
Hurp-De-Durp!
User avatar
My pseudonym is Ix
Posts: 3835
Joined: 31 Dec 2012, 09:28
First Video: Canadian Girlfriend
Location: --. .-. . .- - / -... .-. .. - .- .. -.
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 28 Apr 2016, 09:03

I'm with Deedles. Whilst I'd normally take Bebop's line of 'never date/sleep with anyone less into the experience than you', there are very much two possibilities here. Either he's looking for a wusses way out of this without him having to dump you (possible, but only you can judge that) or he's doing the classic introvert thing of giving into his own internal sense of drama and catharsis, rather than waking up to smell the cordite. In the latter case, you'll both be better off sticking at it until you both arrive at something much more closely resembling a mature, healthy relationship with one another.
"Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable, let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not Image it after all."
User avatar
Bebop Man
Posts: 4465
Joined: 22 May 2013, 22:55
First Video: The Pirate Video
Location: The Black Lodge

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Bebop Man » 28 Apr 2016, 12:18

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:Either he's looking for a wusses way out of this without him having to dump you (possible, but only you can judge that) or he's doing the classic introvert thing of giving into his own internal sense of drama and catharsis, rather than waking up to smell the cordite. In the latter case, you'll both be better off sticking at it until you both arrive at something much more closely resembling a mature, healthy relationship with one another.


I agree, it's one of these two things lx mentions and it's entirely up to you to figure out which one is it.
Image
User avatar
betsytheripper
Posts: 251
Joined: 12 Nov 2013, 21:49
First Video: Scientist's Rebuttal to ICP
Location: Fields and Cows and Fields

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby betsytheripper » 30 Apr 2016, 15:43

Thanks y'all. I've also spoken with a bunch of my friends, and I'm set on not giving up. I think that he might not believe he deserves to be happy. But I really like him and we've been chatting as regular this week and last night he said he wished we could be cuddling and I'm going to his place for dinner and potentially sleepovers tonight. I'm feeling good. I think we'll be okay.

Thanks all, again.
-betsy
User avatar
Deedles
Posts: 4043
Joined: 29 Nov 2010, 13:19
First Video: Man Cooking
Location: A shoebox on Kashyyyk.
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Deedles » 30 Apr 2016, 16:11

That makes me really happy to hear. I'll be rooting for you two all the way! :D
Hurp-De-Durp!
User avatar
PlasmaCow
Posts: 956
Joined: 19 Dec 2010, 05:10
First Video: Desert Bus 4 / The Job
Location: Glasgow-ish, Scotland
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby PlasmaCow » 02 May 2016, 16:30

So I just had my first date in about 3 years (at least, God does time fly). And that last date was a bit of a dud, so not only was I feeling outstandingly rusty, but my handful of past experiences weren't roaring successes either.

It all went well enough I think, despite the slightly awkward start of me effectively watching her eating her dinner (I had already eaten and she'd meant to but had been way-laid), we chatted and played a game of Carcassonne and a couple games of Coin Age in a pub. All-in-all we were together about 4 hours now that I actually add it up, till closing time (and my last train home).
Having met online through the random chance that is okcupid, we've been in touch off-and-on maybe a month now but suffered from constant calendar clashes up till now.
She seems lovely and exactly like my sort of person (doing an archeology PhD; likes the outdoors and boardgames; and her profile pic was her throwing a harpoon!). So yeah, I'd be most pleased if this becomes a thing - if I don't fuck up like usual.

At the end of the evening as we were saying goodbye I was tempted to "test the waters for a kiss", but felt that while very enjoyable, the night didn't really feel like it... deserved(?) leading up to intimacy.
Probably also had no small part to do with my cowardice as well, or the fact I can't even remember the last time I kissed someone.

So the question is, what the hell makes for a good second date?

As an aside, it feels like a weird trend is happening locally, as one of my best friends has recently been dating an American girl who is over here studying - and now it looks like I'm about to start doing the same...
Image
User avatar
Elomin Sha
Posts: 15773
Joined: 22 Feb 2008, 05:14
First Video: Max Effect
Location: Woodford Green, England
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 05 May 2016, 01:29

And I quit.
The most unique, nicest, and confusing individual you will get to know. Don't be stupid around me, that's my job.
https://displate.com/elominsha/galleries
If you need art, I take commissions, PM me.
User avatar
Jamfalcon
Posts: 3325
Joined: 08 Aug 2011, 13:59
First Video: Killer Instinct
Location: Somewhat nearish Vancouver. Kind of.
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 05 May 2016, 09:41

Did something happen to make you want to, or just not enjoying it?
"Jamfalcon's a super weird name" - Graham

I wrote a book!
Image
User avatar
Elomin Sha
Posts: 15773
Joined: 22 Feb 2008, 05:14
First Video: Max Effect
Location: Woodford Green, England
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 05 May 2016, 13:40

Quite a few reasons:

Online dating -
Was never expecting anything from it;
No more interest on my side;
No interest from anyone;
Asshole fake accounts sending messages;
Asshole people wanting me to watch them on skype;
Asshole Dominatrix people looking for Submissive people;
It also seems to be useless.
The most unique, nicest, and confusing individual you will get to know. Don't be stupid around me, that's my job.
https://displate.com/elominsha/galleries
If you need art, I take commissions, PM me.
User avatar
Jamfalcon
Posts: 3325
Joined: 08 Aug 2011, 13:59
First Video: Killer Instinct
Location: Somewhat nearish Vancouver. Kind of.
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 06 May 2016, 10:52

Sorry to hear that it's been so negative for you, but good on you for taking the chance and trying it out. You're definitely not alone in getting burnt out on online dating after a bit.
"Jamfalcon's a super weird name" - Graham

I wrote a book!
Image
User avatar
Elomin Sha
Posts: 15773
Joined: 22 Feb 2008, 05:14
First Video: Max Effect
Location: Woodford Green, England
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 06 May 2016, 14:36

I'm not sure what it is but when ever I try to be happy it blows up in my face; be it work, art, jobs, friends, non-existent relationships. Time to go deaf-mute again like everything else.
The most unique, nicest, and confusing individual you will get to know. Don't be stupid around me, that's my job.
https://displate.com/elominsha/galleries
If you need art, I take commissions, PM me.
User avatar
betsytheripper
Posts: 251
Joined: 12 Nov 2013, 21:49
First Video: Scientist's Rebuttal to ICP
Location: Fields and Cows and Fields

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby betsytheripper » 31 May 2016, 14:02

Everything was great and fine and he was especially affectionate and considerate lately and last night he dropped on me that yes he wants to keep seeing me because "it's fun" but no, he thinks we're at different points in our lives and he never sees himself loving me or wanting to marry me (his personal endgame). Honestly I'm not really surprised. He had said in April that we should "give it a month" to see if he "could" develop some precursor to deeper feelings, which I said is ridiculous because everyone is different and a month is a very short time to measure something like that. But last night made me realize that I guess he never felt that romantic spark, and now I feel used, like he was just dating me because it was fun and I was interested, even though I made it very clear early on that I'm looking for the long haul and he said he was on the same page.

Just because I'm not really surprised doesn't mean that it's not tearing me apart. He claims we're at different points in our lives and I keep saying we're not, because we're both looking for the long term, settle down, have-family-in-a-few-years thing, and he keeps saying I'm not there and he just refuses to listen to me. So I expect that he'll go off and marry and knock up someone he doesn't really care about because it seems that having kids for his parents is more important to him than being with someone he's compatible with.

I guess we haven't officially ended it, but I'm pretty sure it's over. I guess I'm still a bad judge of character.
-betsy
User avatar
Jamfalcon
Posts: 3325
Joined: 08 Aug 2011, 13:59
First Video: Killer Instinct
Location: Somewhat nearish Vancouver. Kind of.
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 31 May 2016, 15:36

Oh no Betsy, I'm really sorry. *Hugs* It sounds like this all stems from him, though, so while I'm sure it's hard not to, try not to blame yourself... you're not a bad judge of character if you feel like it was working okay on you end. If his head's in a different place, you can't control or predict that. It sounds like you've put a ton effort into making all this work, and that's all anyone could reasonably ask. I don't know the right thing to say now, but please don't hesitate to talk to us whenever you need to get it out.

Also, you're still a cool and swell person, and don't forget that.
"Jamfalcon's a super weird name" - Graham

I wrote a book!
Image
User avatar
Deedles
Posts: 4043
Joined: 29 Nov 2010, 13:19
First Video: Man Cooking
Location: A shoebox on Kashyyyk.
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Deedles » 31 May 2016, 19:37

Yeah, I don't know what to say about a guy who expects to accurately tell if he'd want to start a family with someone after being together for a month... But then I'm a careful kind of person in that regard. Either way, it doesn't sound like a realistic goal if you want a happy marriage.

I'm sorry that it didn't work out, I was really rooting for you two, because you seemed to like him! So... Fuck him for not appreciating something good when he has it.
Hurp-De-Durp!
User avatar
My pseudonym is Ix
Posts: 3835
Joined: 31 Dec 2012, 09:28
First Video: Canadian Girlfriend
Location: --. .-. . .- - / -... .-. .. - .- .. -.
Contact:

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 01 Jun 2016, 10:19

Sucks betsy. But, to quote one of the best bits of advice I've ever been given- just because a relationship has ended, doesn't mean it was a failure. You've both learned something, you've both enjoyed yourselves for large parts of it (or so it seems), and it's another one to notch up to experience. The fact that you both made it work for a good while I reckon suggests to me there was little in the way of bad judgement going on ;-)

On an unrelated note... I'm about to move back home for a few months, which is going to cut down on my romantic opportunities rather severely, BUT I do plan on spending my summer reenacting, where there are a few... opportunities, to use a rather objectifying term. Trouble is, all the folk I'm interested in live at the opposite end of the country, so I'm a little tentative about wading into the kettle of fish that is distance. Any thoughts?
"Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable, let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not Image it after all."
User avatar
betsytheripper
Posts: 251
Joined: 12 Nov 2013, 21:49
First Video: Scientist's Rebuttal to ICP
Location: Fields and Cows and Fields

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby betsytheripper » 03 Jun 2016, 23:19

Thanks y'all. You helped me get over the initial sadness. I had mentioned that we hadn't officially ended it. We just did. I think we talked for 4 hours, and we got all the serious discussion of why we should, realistically, for our future happiness' sake, end it. But we balked and chatted and avoided hanging up. Avoided the final goodbye.

He thinks he should know for sure within six months if he's going to marry someone. I think I should know in six months if I think that's a likely and desirable outcome, but still give it another year+ to solidify the idea and be certain. And since it's a week shy of six months, and he doesn't see himself marrying me, and him saying that broke my heart, we should end it.

In April when we had that argument, he suggested we take a break so that we could make sure of what we really wanted. I didn't understand this, but tonight I got it. He wanted to see if, indeed, "absence makes the heart grow fonder", if being separated would make him realize that breaking up would be a huge mistake. And I desperately hope that in a few weeks, he might realize this. That breaking up was a terrible mistake. But I actually, deeply believe that he won't have the realization. That in a couple months he'll realize that he's glad we ended it.

I knew we couldn't continue as we were, because knowing that he wouldn't love me would lead to resentment. That actually happened in my last relationship. But before Monday, I did see end-game marriage as a very real possibility, even if quite far off. And while part of me is certain that this is it, so much of me is so desperate to hear that he made a mistake and that he realized he was feeling the inklings of romantic love. Right now, it feels like that validation would erase the possibility of that resentment.

It hurts. I tried very hard this week to think of all the negative things, anything I could focus on to paint him a villain to make it easier. But all I want is to hear him say he messed up. Even though I'm almost positive it won't happen.
-betsy
User avatar
Aeralis
Posts: 255
Joined: 22 Nov 2010, 20:22
First Video: enn: Nerd Flu
Location: Portland, OR

Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Aeralis » 05 Jun 2016, 10:18

Man, that sucks Betsy. I'm sorry. :(

I'm about to go into a personal example and how it relates to your situation. If you don't want to hear it, skip to the final paragraph.

A few years back I was in a pretty serious relationship. I was nuts over this guy, and was even starting to consider proposing. But one day, out of the blue, he suddenly got really distant. He spent more and more time with his friends, and when we were together he didn't show me the attention that he used to.

Long story short, he felt that the potential end-game of our relationship wouldn't be what he wanted. Being with me made his family resent him and cut him off, and he missed their affection. (Context: He claims he is bisexual, but he admittedly says that he's only ever been attracted to one woman. He is otherwise very gay, and he comes from a Mormon family, who are very disapproving of homosexuality.) There were also some other factors that we COULD have discussed, but he refused to breathe a word of any of it to me until he was already in the process of breaking it off. He felt like in the long run, he'd be more fulfilled being with a woman that he only marginally cared for and having kids to please his family than we would be if he stayed in a relationship with another man.

I, of course, was devastated. I mourned our relationship for months, kept thinking "if only..." or "I miss..." or "why couldn't we..." I still viewed him as the end-all be-all one true love of my life that got snatched away from me. I continually looked back on all the good times and what made us great together.

In the end, I finally began to understand that he was a complete asshole. After a year or so of time to process the whole debacle, I began to really see him for the person he was. I noticed how the good times we shared were only good if he was getting what he wanted. I noticed how I would always go out of my way to make him feel better, but if there was ANY time I needed the same attention, he would ignore it until it went away on its own. He was selfish, he would throw me under the bus if it meant him having a good time, and he refused to put any energy into maintaining the relationship. And these were all qualities I was incapable of seeing myself until he was gone.

So I guess the whole point of this rant is "to hell with him." It hurts now, and it will hurt for a long time. But now that the blindfold of love is being removed, you too will begin to truly see all the cracks that were there, all the factors that made it doomed from the start, and most importantly, why you wouldn't have been happy if you DID stay together. And you'll find someone better, someone that fills in all those cracks and truly cares about you, and you too will be able to say "to hell with him."

Return to “General Discussion”



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 13 guests