The Big Relationship Thread

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It's My Delorean
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby It's My Delorean » 02 Aug 2016, 11:48

Ah ha. Haha.

I've been so wrapped up in this that I forgot yesterday was the five year anniversary of my Dad's passing. Such great timing all around.

I hope so Deedles, I really do.

I just need to learn that since I've got so many thoughts and feelings swirling around my head, acting on any one of them is not smart, and I'll probably regret it at somepoint after.

It sucks that my train of thought right now is to think of something, connect it to her, realize it's something that has happend or came up in her relationship, or something he probably knew about her in a smaller time span than I learnt about it, followed by my bewilderment because it's so counter to how I was viewing things.

And the worst part is, it's my own fault because I've had this hang up, and didn't deal with it adequatly and didn't know how, or even if I really wanted to.

But also that I genuinely felt like I was close to being in a place where we could be friends and I didn't want anything more, but I hadn't quite gotten there when she told me.

So it's all a bit topsy-turvy right now.

Also, having the secret tunnel song chorus from that episode of A:tLA running through my head with "boyfriend" in place of "tunnel" is really not helping. It's at once amusing, distressing, and bewildering and really just all around none to helpful. Ha. Thanks brain! Oh boy.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Omega Lairon » 07 Aug 2016, 04:50

I have news. I also have a long winded backstory thing with some fuzzy and half remembered details. The latter first... buckle in.

2008
A younger and (if it were possible) less mentally balanced Lairon attends a wedding engagement party for a high-school friend. A different friend approaches, and introduces our protagonist to a young lady who, for privacy's sake (and as a term of endearment) we will call Muffet (She assures me this is an accurate and adorable comparison on several levels). Lairon and Muffet talk briefly - he only half hears most of the conversation... his mind is tied up with numerous stupid teen problems.

Later that year, the wedding happens. Lairon and Muffet meet again and owing to their respective social circles and primarily the mutual friend who introduced them, are seated at the same table. Again, they have occasion to talk briefly among the myriad conversations around the table. Again, our main man is a little preoccupied with minor life dramas.

2012...ish
A party is hosted at Muffet's apartment. Lairon receives an invitation primarily due to their mutual friend (again!). Also in attendance is Muffet's recent boyfriend, who we will call James Bond. Bond is a nice enough fellow, and over the course of the evening, our 3 major characters get to talking and generally enjoying the company. Lairon is still single at this point, but being that Muffet is not, he is able to interact with her as a human being instead of a potential target of affection. Either at this point, or some time within the following weeks, Muffet and Lairon exchange numbers, so as to keep in touch as friends.

2012-2015
In the intervening years, Lairon and Muffet have regular meet-ups and remain good friends. Muffet even attempts to set the lonely bachelor up with some of her single friends, but the dates, while pleasant, don't ever lead anywhere. Towards the end of 2014 and early in 2015, Muffet attempts to enter the property market, and owing to her inability to drive and the frequently busy James Bond, Lairon offers his services as a taxi - glad to spend time with his now best friend, and having recently become unemployed, happy to have a purpose and get out of the house every now and then.

2016
The Royal Easter Show comes to town, and Muffet suggests she and Lairon attend. The show itself is a fine distraction, but it's really something more for younger kids, and the pair, while slightly jaded and cynical about the whole thing, are able to find fun there regardless. However, not long after arriving, Muffet receives a call from Bond. She takes it privately (a very strange occurrence, the friends have very few secrets between them), and returns several minutes later visibly upset and on the verge of tears. Lairon later finds out that Muffet and Bond have been having a rough patch, and the call was another chapter in an ongoing fight. He tries to make the rest of the day pleasant for his friend, and while he succeeds to a degree, the spectre of the fight leaves Muffet feeling a little shaken and unable to really enjoy the time out.

May 2016
Muffet and Bond agree that the relationship may not be the best thing for both of them, and agree to break up. By all accounts, it's a relatively painless and amicable event.

Within two weeks of the break up, Bond's brother passes away as a result of complications from a prior medical problem. Muffet is deeply upset by the news, and insists on attending the funeral to give support to her recent ex.

5th August 2016
Lairon, having recently landed a new job working late afternoons / nights, gets through some of the more tedious stretches of his work with thanks to the company of his best friend Muffet's phone messages. They discuss matters of little importance - upcoming meet ups, game nights, Discworld, etc. On the afternoon of the 5th however, Muffet sends an uncharacteristically long and emotional text. She has just learned that Bond's grandmother (of whom Muffet herself was exceptionally fond) has also passed away. Complications as a result of anxiety / depression and malnutrition.

Lairon spends the shift helping Muffet grieve and work through some of her recent problems.

6th August 2016
In an effort to cheer up Muffet and get her mind off the recent string of tragedies, Lairon offers to take her to see Suicide Squad. The film is decent, and afterwards, they head to her apartment to hang out as they normally do. Muffet, naturally, has a lot on her mind. She discusses the situation with Bond, and confesses to having some lingering feelings for Lairon, apparently having felt attracted to him almost as long as she's known him. Despite dropping several "obvious" hints in the early stages of their friendship, our protagonist had never picked up on it. He agonises over some lingering feelings he also shares for her. It's complicated... among many issues, his practically non-existent self-esteem thinks it'll never work, there's a very valuable friendship that isn't work risking, and of course the timing just couldn't be any worse.

Eventually, Lairon musters up the courage to put voice to his thoughts. He loves her... but it's always been a platonic love because she was with James Bond, and that's been fine up until now. He enjoys Muffet's company, she makes him feel happy, and in his darker moments has always served as the shining beacon which lights his way out of the waters of despair, to tell him life is worth living. She's funny, and smart, and pretty... and the timing sucks so bad, but damn it, it's taken a considerable effort to defeat his doubts - to risk it all...

Muffet: "...You idiot..."
Lairon: ??
M: "You could have saved yourself so much trouble if you had just said these things years ago."
L: "...it was complicated. I was young and stupid... I'm still stupid."
M: "Yes. Very... you're an idiot, but you can be my idiot."
L: "........maaaaaaan, I knew I was overthinking it >_>"
M: "Just a little."

We stayed up for a while talking it over. Obviously it's quite a thing to rush into, and we've agreed to take it really slowly. She assures me that no matter what, we're always going to be good friends, and nothing really has to change. It's basically just going to be more of what we're already doing... hanging out, watching bad anime, making dick jokes, getting terrible fast food. The only difference is that we have a mutual desire to touch butts and various affiliated items.

...in due time of course. We've tentatively booked an official "first date" on Saturday (barring a potential schedule conflict). Or, y'know, just whenever.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 07 Aug 2016, 09:21

That's quite a saga! Congratulations and best of luck to the two of you! :mrgreen:
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Merrymaker_Mortalis » 07 Aug 2016, 12:11

Merrymaker_Mortalis continues falling for men and women who are already in a relationship or men who are straight.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jenelmo » 03 Sep 2016, 01:55

Not sure if this fits in this thread or the depressing thread.

2 weeks ago i was set up on a blind date by a friend whose girlfriend has a friend who was new to town and wanted to meet people.
It went great, and in the last 2 weeks we have been together 6 times, doing things like going out to eat, having a picnic or just walk around in the city, as it is having its yearly festival week.
Last night when we was walking around i casually mentioned that i have Asperger, as i don't see it as a big deal but still wants to be open and earnest with her.
And she freaks out, yelling and accusing me of deliberately hiding this from her, when in reality i just didn't think it was a big deal.
She says that she had a friend as a kid whose little brother was autistic and she is not going trough that.
So in a short while we go from what i believe could be the start of a great relationship to over, because of something I didn't think mattered.

So now my question is this:
Was i wrong here, is this a bigger deal than i thought?, and if so how soon should you tell people about your diagnoses?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Deedles » 03 Sep 2016, 02:02

Considering that she hadn't noticed it during the time you spent together? No, it wasn't a bigger deal than you thought. Not to mention that a diagnosis can be something very personal, that one doesn't want to just throw around.

That's not even going into the fact that the autistic spectrum is HUUUUGE, so comparing one person with autism with another is rather narrow-minded.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby JustAName » 03 Sep 2016, 06:40

I NEVER use this word, but she sounds like a bitch. You are not in the wrong here.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 03 Sep 2016, 09:21

Hand her a bouquet of primed semtex and have her sniff deeply while you take a few steps back.
She's a moron.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 03 Sep 2016, 10:17

I'll join the chorus here of saying yeah, that's pretty absurd. If after six dates she thought you were great, up until you mentioned that, it's on her. She's had plenty of time to see what you're like, so she's just letting her preconceptions spoil something without any good reason. I'm sorry it didn't work out since it sounds like it was good up until that, but if that's all it took for her to end it, probably just as well it was sooner rather than later.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby leapy » 04 Sep 2016, 05:25

Jamfalcon wrote: ~ but if that's all it took for her to end it, probably just as well it was sooner rather than later.


Yep, sorry things didn't work out for you but I think you dodged a bullet a little here.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jenelmo » 04 Sep 2016, 12:22

It is good to know that it was not just me, and I can see what you are all saying, and you are properly correct, it was never going to work. I even tried to call her earlier today just to talk it over and she hung up. So I know this is over and i have kind of come to terms with that.

I am more afraid on the consequences, for one it has givin me alot of insicurities about a diagnosis i had come to terms with. But the worse thing is that it has giving me hope, hope for something that isn't going to happen

I am studying to become a mechanical engineering and i have some issues with noise sensitivity so I don't really go to bars so i don't really meet alot of women.
That coupled with lets call them social issues, I had over the years kind of come to terms with the fact that i wasn't going to meet anyone and end up alone.
It was a sad fact but i had kind of accepted it.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Aeralis » 04 Sep 2016, 14:53

A couple things to consider:

-There's no need to write a relationship off as something that will never happen! I mean, you were just set up in one out of the blue in a way that didn't involve a noisy bar or anything, and it was going really well!

-The fact that she freaked out has absolutely no bearing on you or your diagnosis. That is 100% her own issue that she needs to address on her own and is a factor that affects HER relationships, not your own.

-Let's simplify the matter of "when should I tell people": Do you feel like your diagnosis is something that must be told to people the instant you meet them? "Hi, my name is Jenelmo, and I have Asperger's"? (Hint: No, it's not.)

What you did was pretty much the perfect way to go about telling her, and again for emphasis, her reaction is not your own failing, it is hers. Never blame yourself for how others treat you because of your diagnosis.

(And I fully believe that you CAN and probably WILL meet someone else.)
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 04 Sep 2016, 14:58

Jenelmo wrote:I am studying to become a mechanical engineering and i have some issues with noise sensitivity so I don't really go to bars so i don't really meet a lot of women.
That coupled with lets call them social issues, I had over the years kind of come to terms with the fact that i wasn't going to meet anyone and end up alone.
It was a sad fact but i had kind of accepted it.


As a fellow mech eng student and non-club person (I'll go out for drinks with friends and stuff, but never with the intention to pull), I think you're being hard on yourself with this one.

So you aren't going to be meeting people in bars. Fine. From a purely statistical standpoint it is true that this is limiting the number of potential 'meet teh ladies' opportunities you're likely to get. However, those opportunities were only really going to be with the kind of women who frequent places like that- who, fairly tautologically, are not the kind of people you'd be into. So really, you're not actually limiting your real options- in actuality, you're if anything speeding up the process by filtering out a large proportion of unsuitable dates.

As for the "social issues"... I don't know specifically to what you refer, but I can use my own life as a comparison. I have depression and am a fairly socially awkward guy, particularly when confronted by new people in an informal context. My education and hobbies are unfortunately heavily male-oriented and have been from my schooldays, so I have historically spoken very little with the fairer sex and really didn't know what I was doing around them in any way, shape or form.

So, what do? Simple answer, I practiced. I started off simply making friends with women my own age, then progressed onto actually being able to think of them as potential dates. Adjusting to more 'dating friendly' attitudes and ways of conducting myself followed thereon- and this whole process took me more than two years of assorted reading, mental rework, practice and getting distracted by occasional crippling despair. But after all that, it's almost amazing how my view of the world has changed- how open to dating opportunities it seems and how much more options I seem to have now. Now I can look back on myself in the past and realise that only now am I really in the right place to be capable of dating anybody that I'd actually really want to be.

Point being, if a weird, boring, asocial schmuck like me can know the touch of a woman, you probably can too. Hell, you've already proved you can by getting to six dates even with this lady of decidedly dubious taste. Nobody can guarantee immediate results (hey, I'm still single), but there's no reason to resign yourself to anything so melodramatic dying alone.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby PlasmaCow » 17 Dec 2016, 02:53

There is little that feels quite as personally galling with online dating than matching with a women whose bio sounds like an excellent match of interests to you (listing several of the same things on my own bio), saying hi and asking a relevant question about your shared interests - then the next time you look at Tinder that have unmatched you (or disabled their account) :(

Online dating often feels like so much effort for so little return.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby unluckydesperado » 17 Dec 2016, 11:00

PlasmaCow wrote:There is little that feels quite as personally galling with online dating than matching with a women whose bio sounds like an excellent match of interests to you (listing several of the same things on my own bio), saying hi and asking a relevant question about your shared interests - then the next time you look at Tinder that have unmatched you (or disabled their account) :(

Online dating often feels like so much effort for so little return.


I know this feeling all to well, and it often feels like you're the reason but it's not. Online dating sites/apps are full of issues. My spouse set up one before we met stating "looking for friends" and before she even got a profile up had a lot of messages and BS from people (Especially ones out of the age range) claiming they would love to meet her, and that even if they're a bit older to give them a shot. So don't ever take that personally, women have a lot of creepo factors on there.

Online dating does feel like but so does real life searching. It's just online dating you notice you're doing it much more. My only advice is that if it isn't working too well, maybe try finding a group to join, a club (not the party type) to become a part of, something like that. Make friends and see what happens since often those can lead to the best relationships
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 17 Dec 2016, 15:11

I'm a dateless sack of rubbish!
Woooooooo!
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby PlasmaCow » 21 Dec 2016, 14:46

unluckydesperado wrote:I know this feeling all to well, and it often feels like you're the reason but it's not. Online dating sites/apps are full of issues. My spouse set up one before we met stating "looking for friends" and before she even got a profile up had a lot of messages and BS from people (Especially ones out of the age range) claiming they would love to meet her, and that even if they're a bit older to give them a shot. So don't ever take that personally, women have a lot of creepo factors on there.

Online dating does feel like but so does real life searching. It's just online dating you notice you're doing it much more. My only advice is that if it isn't working too well, maybe try finding a group to join, a club (not the party type) to become a part of, something like that. Make friends and see what happens since often those can lead to the best relationships

Honestly I was more venting than looking for advice. I'm pretty active and involved locally in the Scouts, canoe club and musical theatre group (which in itself can make it harder to be available for dating), just with little on the romantic front.
I'm aware from chats with female friends that online dating can be spam hell for them.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 12 Jan 2017, 16:41

Depending how this year goes, so far been quite rubbish already, it will be the last time I'm actively going to look for a relationship with anyone. I will then die on my own.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jenelmo » 19 Jan 2017, 09:12

Not sure if it belongs in this thread.
As part of me trying to put myself more out there this year i am creating a tinder profile.
But i am having trouble with what to put in the bio.
I have tried google but found very different answers on what to put there, except your height for some reason they all say that.
I was wondering if anyone here had any experience or advise to give

This is NOT my bio, just some info if it helps giving advice - Click to Expand
I am 27, straight, male mechanical Engineering student.
186cm 95kg
Hobbies: MTG, Reading, Boardgames, computergames.
Looking for a relationship not a one night stand
Asperger's, ADD, Depression; anxiety
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 28 Jan 2017, 02:37

So, somehow I've got a date on Friday with a girl I met online. Go me!

I've also got an exam in two days, and yet I'm still a couple of orders of magnitude less nervous about that than this.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 28 Jan 2017, 10:36

Well done. Remember the knife goes in the food, not between the shoulder blades. It's an easy mistake to make I know, but it happens.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 28 Jan 2017, 12:23

Congrats Ix! Hope it goes well. :)
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 05 Feb 2017, 10:58

For anyone who might be interested- it went well. She is really good conversation, and we're meeting again on Wednesday. I'm slightly less nervous this time... slightly.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 05 Feb 2017, 11:59

Yay! :mrgreen:
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 09 Feb 2017, 11:19

Hooray.
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