Very Punny...

[Fezzul]

Ok, I've been wanting to do this for a while... and so here it is. My first ever full sketch suggestion.

SCENE: Interior, living room, day

JERRY (Graham) is sitting on the sofa, reading a newspaper. There is a knock at the door. JERRY gets up to answer it.

AT THE DOOR, Interior

JERRY opens the door to reveal FRANK (Paul)

FRANK: Hi, Jerry. Can I cumin? I have a problem I need your help with
JERRY: Sure, no problem.

IN THE LIVING ROOM

They both sit down on the sofa. FRANK looks uncomfortable for a moment, he reaches behind his back and pulls out a salt-shaker that was sticking in to his back.

CLOSE UP OF THE SHAKER: Its is labelled ‘Cumin’.

BACK TO MID SHOT:

FRANK: (Slamming it down on the table) Damn it! It happened again!
JERRY: What happened? And why were you sitting on my Cumin?
FRANK: It’s a long story.
JERRY: Really?
FRANK: Actually, no, it’s quite a short story..
JERRY: Oh.
FRANK: A witch put a literary curse on me.
JERRY: What now?
FRANK: For the rest of my life I’m going to live out bad puns.
JERRY: Once again with clarity?
FRANK: (Handing JERRY a bottle of Claret) I was walking home from work today, when I passed the witch on Chipper Street.
JERRY: I know her. She’s always trying to steal my cat. I don’t know why, but she’s always been after my puss-
FRANK: (Interrupting) Stop! Don’t say it!
JERRY: Why?
FRANK: Because while I was coming home from work today, puffing on a cigar, I tripped near her and my cigar accidentally set fire to the erotic book she was reading.
JERRY: What was the book?
FRANK: Knickerless Nickelby.
JERRY: That’s not an erotic boo- oh wait a minute, now I get it.
FRANK Exactly. Anyway, it destroyed her book. And she was so angry, she put a curse on me. And because the title of the book she was reading was a bad pun…
JERRY: Oh, now I get it!

(KNICKERLESS NICKELBY flashes up on the screen in big white letters)

FRANK: She cursed me to live out bad puns for the rest of my life.
JERRY: So that’s why when you asked if you could come in…
FRANK: I found some cumin.
JERRY: And when I asked you to say it again with clarity…
FRANK: I handed you a bottle of claret.
JERRY: I see
FRANK: What’s worse, I can’t smoke cigars anymore.
JERRY: Why not?
FRANK: I’ll show you

FRANK takes out a cigar and lights it, he starts to smoke it

FRANK: Describe what I am doing.
JERRY: You’re puffing on a cigar

CUT BACK TO FRANK: FRANK still has the cigar in his mouth, but it is no longer lit, and there is now a small plush puffin sitting on it

JERRY: Wait… I don’t… Oh, I get it. Puffin on a cigar.
FRANK: You see my problem?
JERRY: I do.
FRANK: It’s a nightmare

CUT BACK TO JERRY: JERRY is now holding a horse figurine that has been painted black, with a little moon and stars stuck on it

JERRY: (Looking at it) A night… mare?
FRANK: Exactly
JERRY: This is really going to be a problem for you.
FRANK: I know. Just on my way here I grew two long ears and a cotton-tail during a long conversation with a guy at a bus-stop.
JERRY: Why was that?
FRANK: I was rabbiting on.
JERRY: Oh.
FRANK: I know! They’re terrible! And I’ve got this sore-throat, the guy I was speaking to asked me if I was feeling a little hoarse. Then I reached in to my pocket and found these (Hands JERRY four tiny horse-shoes)
JERRY: Wow, this must get you feeling kinda low.

CUT BACK TO FRANK: He is now wearing a Han Solo costume

FRANK: So low.
JERRY : What are you going to do about it?
FRANK: I don’t know what to do! I’m at the end of my tether.
JERRY (Looking around) Why didn’t any rope or anything appear for that?
FRANK: That’s a figure of speech, not a pun.
JERRY: Well, excuse my lack general knowledge.
FRANK: (Now dressed as a general) Hey! Be more careful with what you say!
JERRY: I’m sorry, I’m doing all I can.
FRANK: (Now holding a can that has ‘ALL EYES’ written on it) Stop it!
JERRY: I’m trying, I’m trying.
FRANK: Now, then. It’s all getting a bit silly
JERRY: I guess it is.
FRANK: No it isn’t.
JERRY: Yes it is.
FRANK: No it isn’t.
JERRY: Yes it is!
FRANK: No it isn’t!
JERRY: You’re arguing with me!
FRANK: No I’m not.
JERRY: Yes, you are.
FRANK: No I’m not
JERRY: Yes you are!
FRANK: No, I’m not!
JERRY: Yes you are!
FRANK: (Dinging a hotel desk bell) Times up!
JERRY: What?
FRANK: If you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five minutes.
JERRY: Are you… are you quoting Monty Python at me?
FRANK: (Loudly) Ni!
JERRY: You are!
FRANK: I’m sorry. I guess I’m just feeling a little sketchy today.
JERRY: A little sketch… Oh that’s terrible.
FRANK: I know! There has to be some way to get rid of this curse.
JERRY: Well… in movies, the way to get rid of a curse like this is to pass it on to a stranger.
FRANK: Huh… well, how do we do that?
JERRY: (Thinks for a moment) I think I have an idea

FADE TO BLACK, AND FADE UP TO:

A BARTENDER (James) is cleaning a pint glass behind a bar. The bar-phone rings, BARTENDER takes a moment, then answers it.

BARTENDER: Hello?
FRANK: (The voice on the phone) Hi, I’m looking for someone who I think is at your bar. Last name Jass, first name Hugh, could you ask if he’s there?
BARTENDER: One second… (shouts to the rest of the bar) Hey! Do I have a Hugh Jass here? I need to know if I’ve got a Huge Ass.

Creepy Twilight Zone type music play

BAR PATRON: You sure do man! You sure do!
BARTENDER: Hey! (Into phone) What the? (The phone disconnects) Hello!?

The BARTENDER suddenly feels weird. He looks down, his backside is now enormous, his trousers have expanded behind him to silly proportions.

BARTENDER: Nooooooooooo-

CUT BACK TO: FRANK and JERRY puffing on cigars.

JERRY: I love it when a plan comes together

SCENE


STINGER:

The BARTENDER and a BAR PATRON are standing by a snooker table, watching the game

BAR PATRON: This is the greatest game of snooker I’ve ever seen!
BARTENDER: I know! And only ten minutes ago I was saying that I never thought I’d see a hippopotamus!

There is the sound off-camera of a hippo roaring, followed by the click of a snooker cue and the screech of a small rodent. Then a white mouse flashes across the table in front of the camera. We hear the sound of it going in to the hole. The BARTENDER and BAR PATRON cheer. Off-camera we hear the rest of the bar cheering and the roar of the hippo.

Across the screen in big white letters are spelled out the words:
“HIPPO-POT-A-MOUSE”

SCENE