A Special Treat?
September 19th, 2008

Posted by james

Hey guys, So I have been doing some computer cleaing over the last couple of days and came across this little gem. As anyone who owns the season 1 DVD might know there is a special feature with the “crew bios” penned by yours truly. I had no real reason for making these in the first place. They were not originally planned to go on the DVD by any means. But I think I showed one of them to Graham and he seemed to like them, so I just kept writing them. I am almost certain all of these were written between the hours of 2am-6am (when I use to actually stay up that late, I now manage the reasonable 1:30 am bed time) Anyways, enjoy!

Introduction by the “so called” Author”

So before you is the first batch of the cast bios for the crew here at Loading Ready Run. Not everybody that has ever been in a video is in the following bios but a good chunk of them are. A few things for you guys to know before you go on with reading them is. I am crazy, i mean anyone who can come up with this random crap has to have something seriously mentally wrong with them. Now given everyone of these bios where typed up with no planning on my part or help with anyone else, they were done souly in the wee hours of the morning mostly between 1am and 4am which is really when most of the ideas for this awsome site come from. Infact as i am typing this i am sitting at my desk at 2am playing super mario 3 on my gba and figureing out the last few bios for people. As you will read in Ashs bio the whole mario thing makes a lot more sense as i was playing it when i wrote it. So i hope you enjoy them. For everyone who is on the cast and is reading these for the first time which is pretty much everyone but Graham and Paul i hope you like what i wrote for you and if by some chance you are missing don’t worry. If enough people like these i will finish up with everyone else and stick them up on the site for all to see. -James-

Bill Watt: Origianlly from the mean streets of LA where he spent a great deal of his youth discovering not only himself but what a marmot was cabable of doing with its touge from his late wife, a contortionist that was only known to her friends as candy, After the death of his wife he decided that LA was no longer the place for him and packed his things (at which time consisted of a tube *half used might I add of a 3rd party sex lubricant, his cat jackson, and a peice of paper that said “If you don’t know how to shit, get off the toliet”) and moved to the peaceful town of Victoria, BC. The move to Canada was a welcome change to Bill who thought the only way of making a decent living was to sell his body to young males who wern’t quite sure of there sexuality. Which incendtly led him to meet his first friend in Victoria, Morgan vanHumback. After a few rocky first years in Victoria he finally fell in with the so called “right crowd” which consisted of the case of LRR. These days Bill can be seen dancing on Johnson St for loose change and filming the occasional video with the guys at LRR.


Prefered Sexual Preference:
Marmot

Fav Drink: What ever liqud that is at the time coming out of his body

Fav Quote or Question to be asked: “How tall are you anyways?”

His porn star name: Jizzy Hump

Graham Stark: Forged in the firey pits of Mt. Do… wait that was the one ring. Actualy Graham was “forged” on the west side of Mt. Tolmie, which is Victoria’s so called Mountain. There he was raised by a pack of wild marmots. He was a peaceful creature up until the age of 6 when he discovered that marmots do indeed taste a lot like chicken. After the demis of his parents by his own hands, graham ventured down of the face of Mt. Tolmie and make his way into the city. After a few runins with the local Hobo Alliance he decided to brainwash a nice family into believing he was there son of 8 years, from there his plans of world domination would unfold and after a failed attempt (brought down by a monkey and a box of 3 stale doughnuts) he decided that his life was better spent entertaining people, Origianlly he had designed LRR as a central hub of his world domination scheme but as he let that go, he made it into a entertainment website of him and his friends doing wacky and crazy things.

Prefered Sexual Preference: Trisexual (you figure it out)

Fav Drink: Coke

Fav Quote or Question to be asked: “Why is that up my butt agian”

His porn star name: Barbie Kung-fu Grip

Morgan vanHumback: Lives his life under the impression that maybe someday he will once again have a chance will Bill. Apart from the initial sentence it is belived morgan has survived his life thru the help of a few select things. Playboy, The Internet (free porn) and the following video games: Civilization 2 and EVN. Other than that not much else is known of morgan. Concieved in a test tube using the sperm of Michel J Fox and the Egg of the then famous child actress that girl who played kimmy gibler on the long running family sitcom Full House. Morgan had a weird start to life. Origanally thrown into a circus side show for his unusal ability to stick his head directly up his ass, a feat to this day that brings him to tears if it is mentioned around him. After the circus morgan had a brilliant idea of making a sitcom about a young 16 or so old doctor working in a hospital. After being thrown out on his ass serveral times he was told that Doggie Houser had been on the air for 3 years at that point. Heart broken and self concious about not only his body and his mind he made the move to victoria. After a few weeks of drinking himself stupid everynight he met his long time friend bill and well the rest is what is called…. HISTORY!

Prefered Sexual Preference: Anything that moves

Fav Drink: Whatever is coming out of bill at the time

Fav Quote or Question to be asked: “Don’t worry morgan, it happens to guys all the time”

His porn star name: Dr. Hardon

Paul Saunders: Also known as the great canadian ape. To this day no one knows where that name came from, paul just likes being called it. Pauls life is not a short tale but will have to be with this limited space. Born under the idealistic reign of Pierre Trudeau, Paul made his mark on the world as canadas fastest short order cook working at grandma mables great canadian breakfest cusine where he was recorded making a 2 eggs sunnyside up, 4 strips of bacon, 2 links of susage and 2 slices of toast in 37.0 seconds a feat to this day that has not even been touched. After leaving the safety and sexualy satisfying resturaunt he ventured out west to the town of Victoria. After a short stint as the towns mayor, paul settled down and started a real life for himself. These days when paul is not eating roof shingles for money, and dressing up in a big diaper parading down government street proclaiming himself a god, he is found working on LRR.com and videos with the rest of the crew. And an imagineary elf that rests on his shoulder called buckweed.

Prefered Sexual Preference: If its bent over its good enough for him

Fav Drink: Cosmopolitin with the wing of a penguin

Fav Quote or Question to be asked: “Is that real or did you just glue it on”

His porn star name: Kinky Kielbasa

Matt Wiggins: Though some think matt was born under a rock of some sort, he was actually the by product of inbreeding (or at least thats what would make the most sense and explain quite a few things) He was quick to the gun of his video game crazed life with his first words being Shigeru Miyamoto (for those who do not know refer to NINTENDO) By the age of 3 he was able to master the ever popular Up Up, Down Down, Left, Right, A, B, Select, Start cheat. His parents (of sorts) realized that there child (also of sorts) was a gifted young man and had dreams of him attending the Canadian University of Nintendo. However there dreams were crushed when learing that in fact there was no such University. So matt had to settle for the less obvious choice UVIC. When matt isn’t sitting in his parents basement playing god knows what or doing god knows what to his body he is found lurking the shelfs at our locals EBs selling really bad games to unsespecting customers, and occasionaly helping in the filming of such video greats like… ummm Evil Corp 2….. Yah thats pretty much about it. Oh no wait he was in Jangles and Jones as the sellout gettaway driver, just like matt.

Prefered Sexual Preference: Anything with a hole the size of a pencil

Fav Drink: Crown Royal

Fav Quote or Question to be asked: “When does Halo 2 come out”

His porn star name: Exotica Swank

Patrick Donison: Most people know Pat as well Pat. (Bad start i know but i think it can only get better) Born in Russia during the cold war, he had to learn at a young age that books were not only a great source of knowledge but also heat :) As the story goes when he was 13 years old he had decided to run away from home to Canada where he would no longer have to burn books to stay warm. He packed up his bags and made it to the shores of China where he hoped and a shitty old boat and set sail for the new world, after being blown off course and hitting hawaii where he was regarded as a god for the size oh his pe… maybe not the best thing to say on this site. None the less when the hawians discovered it was nothign but a frozen pea and some playdoh he was cast off the island and left for dead in a bathtub. On the 37th day of his journey he was rescued by his future foster parents while they were out fishing for sperm whale. They took pat back to there home where he discovered that books where the entertainment means of the past when he discoverd his parents had a VHS collection rivaling the cost of the US military. After spending the next 7 years in solitude watching most every movie in there collection except for Robocop 3 and Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, he found a job at a local movie rental establishment where he to this day works and continues to watch every movie EVER!!!

Prefered Sexual Preference: Straight as a crazy straw

Fav Drink: Cough medicine mixed with gin and vodka

Fav Quote or Question to be asked: “Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.”

His porn star name: Slappy Tail

Gibb: A little kown fact is that Gibb was made from a collection of Cat furballs that for some reason bill had collected over several years and when he finished his collection he proceeded to give it to graham as a birthday present, Now graham not all that impressed proceed to throw it under his bed which is incedently where he keeps his stash of plutonium (another story for another time) after 7 months of not cleaning under his bed he went to work. When he looked down there he had noticed two things. First off his stash of plutonium was gone and there in its place was a small furry creature sleeping. Graham woke it up and it was at first a nice little pet. He fed it and eventually thought it would be a good idea to put this thing in LRR videos so he and a few of the LRR guys got together one day to give Gibb some acting lessons (yah i know we should be the last people to give him acting lessons but Ben Afflect wasn’t avalible) Gibb caught on quickly and soon became a great actor, so much so he started doing independant theater here in Victoria. Well after his amazing preformance in Hitler goes to Vegas he got cocky. Acted above all the people who got him where he is today, which is why you don’t see Gibb in that many videos. The shit we have to provide for that little bastard is insane. Private Trailer stocked with the best beer and wine in the world, 500 dollars a day, and high priced hookers every hour on the hour. Its a miracle we have hookers left over for ourselfs.

Prefered Sexual Preference: Whatever ends up in his trailer

Fav Drink: The Blood of the Inoccent

Fav Quote or Question to be asked: “Wrong hole! Wrong Hole!”

His porn star name: Tara Hymen

Conner Pomerville: Some say this guy is as bad, if not worse than Hitler was. Then i remind them that hitler killed millions of Jewish people. Which they reply with “Have you ever looked in Conners closet?” He started his schooling years at St. Patricks and Private school where a few other LRR cast memebers attened, which when thoght about years later is probably how we ended up doing this videos in the first place. He proceeded along to SMU (stands for Stinky Moldy Underwear) where he placed down a deal with the devil stating he would do one day rule the world in return for his soul. That day has yet to come but i am guessing that when it does we are all in for a treat :| Connoer spends most of his days sitting in his parents basement sorting through barrels upon barrels of jelly beans sorting them by colour and size, and watching reruns of of 80s sitcoms like Family Ties, Alf, Growing Pains, The Wonder Years and of course everyones favorit Cheers. Which held claim to having the actor that conner to this day goes on about on a daily basis. Kelsey Gramer. For this we generally don’t pay any attention to what conner has to say, ever.

Prefered Sexual Preference: Kelsey Gramer

Fav Drink: Whiskey 7

Fav Quote or Question to be asked: “God i love penis”

His porn star name: Sweatee Sticky

Geoff Howe: One word comes to mind when i say speak the name of Geoff, Government St. Where he does some of his best work, and by work i meaning whoreing himself off to the public, and by whoreing himself off to the public i mean taking pennies and nickles from hobos to let them do unheard of things to them. But enough of Geoff family life, lets get down to why hes here and where he came from. Geoff inane love for music can be traced back to when his mother was pregnant with him and would hold headphones to her stomach and blast greats like: Zeplin, Hendrix and Reba Macintrye, and on special occasions she would peirce the unborn eardrums of geoff with the early works of sharron, lois and bram. So with him being introduced at such a young age to music it is no doubt that if geoff goes more than 37 minutes without listening to music his head will implode, or at least thats what the blind guy down at the laundrymat said to me.

Prefered Sexual Preference: Sad Pandas

Fav Drink: Alabama Slammer

Fav Quote or Question to be asked: “What? you mean thats fake?”

His porn star name: Tonya Spankadocious

Ash Vickers: So a little known fact is bowser (the big mean guy from the mario games) is a real dude, no different from you and me. Other than the fact his is big and green and has spikes on his back. But i mean even on my best days i would kill to look like him. So i know what you wondering, what the hell does any of this have to do with Ash and her life, well i will tell you. It was about 19 years ago that a little child was brought into this world by the name of Ashley “insert middle name here” Vickers aka Ash. She was abbandoned by her mother and was left in the care of the local orphanage until a foster home was found for her. So down at social services when little ashleys name poped up it matched her up with, yup, you guessed it. BOWSER! Thats right everybody. Bowser is actually Ash Foster Father and of course whats a father without a mother…. Sue Johnson. (thought i was going to say peach or something wasn’t I, well…. FOOLED YOU!) So ash had a normal up bringing. As normal as one can have when your father eats most of your Boyfriends and takes you to school by putting you on his back and running all the way there. But on one fateful day in 1993 a plumber came to town by the name of mario (yah we all know where this is going) well he knocked on the home of bowser and little ash answered and foolisly let mario in under the pretense that he was there to fix a leaky toilet. And unfortunatly when he arrived bowser had just settled down for his afternoon nap and mario stuck the pointy end of his plunger into his back and killed him out right. He ran off into the day and left ash wondering what the hell just happended. Bowser died on that day and since then ash has been hunting down mario and does not plan to stop until she can look him in his eyes and say. Hello, my name is Inigo Mon… I mean Ashley Vickers. You killed my father: prepare to die.

Prefered Sexual Preference: Kill Mario

Fav Drink: Blood of Mario

Fav Quote or Question to be asked: “Which way did he go?, Which way did he go?”

Her porn star name: Madam Nekkid

Jeremy Petter: Jeremy love for all things cute has not gone unnoticed in the years he has been fighting for the rights of underated animal like the humble malard duck. Most of the LRR crew thoght it strange that Jeremy during his lunch time back in high school would, instead of hanging out with his friends would be down at the local creek conversing with and feeding the general duck population. But boy if we had known what we do today then maybe all of us would have been down at the creek along side our crazy friend talking to the ducks. Little did we known ducks had the power to sneek into the school at night and change Jeremys grades. We all wondered how jeremy was so smart. I mean this is a guy who spent his time boozing it up with the ladies and party all weekend on Donald Trumps Yacht. I mean how does a party d00d like this be so smart but come to school reeking of cider on mondays. THE DUCKS. thats how, and he has taken advantage of them. And when the time came to move from High School to University he quick discovered the rabbit population was able to be utilized for the same mission of the ducks. So the next time you see the so called creative genius behind “Vietnam” (the ducks did that too) spit in his face and call him a dirty liar, cause damn if i wasn’t so afraid of those damn mallards i would have done it years ago.

Prefered Sexual Preference: Anything with Fethers

Fav Drink: Apple Cider

Fav Quote or Question to be asked: Hai el’ Presedante

His porn star name: Doctor Dangler

Alex Stacey: Funny story really, one day a couple of us got bored and finally decided to do something we had been putting off for a couple of years. Bulid a robot to score us hot chicks and do our homework. Well in the end we made this guy, Alex Stacey. And instead of scoring hot chicks for us and doing our homework he killed most anything he saw and when he was given our homework he just started to yell nonsense about chickens and the end of the world. So we pretty much decided that it was a bust and was about to get rid of it when it over powered us and ran to Ontario, and well in all honestly we were to lazy to go and get him and figured any damage that he caused there was not our fault cause we didn’t know about it. So needless to say not much is really known about him because we haven’t had contact with him in a few years, we occasionally get his comic that we put up on the website but other than that nothing. So we finally decided to figure out what was going on over there so we sent the best man we had (or the best man we wanted to get rid of) Morgan. And well we got a couple of commuications with morgan until they stoped. We fear death but hes prolly just finally got the net and has held himself up in his room for the next 4 months. So we know Alex is a big Sex in the City fan, in fact he auditioned for a part but after eating the origianl Sarah Jessica Parker he was pretty much fucked. He eats mainly cheese and sings way to much Yanni for anyones liking.

Prefered Sexual Preference: Robots

Fav Drink: Petro Oil

Fav Quote or Question to be asked: “FIRE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD”

His porn star name: Robodink

Kathleen De Vere: Born into a family of Top rate CIA parents and a brother who didn’t know they difference between fire and ice, she had a pretty odd upbringing. While her parents were off doing god knows what for the CIA she was left in charge of her little brother and there pet kowola. She wanted nothing more than to grow up and be like her parents but knew that was never going to happen because she was born with only 4 toes on her right foot and in Section 37-b Article 4s in the CIA agent enrollment book states you must be born will all limbs and accompanying toes and fingers. Well when she was 8 the unthinkable happened she and her brother were orphaned when her parents dissapeared on a feild mission in the heart of the middle east for the search of the holy grail. Her brother fliped out at the news and ran off into the heart of new zeland and was never heard from again and to protect Kathleen they had her shipped of to Prince George for save haven, for when her parents left on this mission they entrusted her with the knowledge of where the grail final resting place was. These days she can be found writing for the local paper in PG. But i know something now that can help find the Grail. It seems with ever article she writes there is always one number in it somewhere and if you take these numbers and add them together you will get the longitude and latitidue for the location of the grail. GOOD LUCK!!!

Prefered Sexual Preference: Anything but Graham Stark (hehehe, graham feel free to change this)

Fav Drink: Ground wheat stalks and goats milk.

Fav Quote or Question to be asked: “Alcohol i still drink to your health”

His porn star name: Missy Tang


8 Comments »

  1. wtf.

    Comment by masamune — September 19, 2008 @ 12:59 am

  2. Quite funny.

    Comment by Elomin Sha — September 19, 2008 @ 6:10 am

  3. Uh, this is just madness. I guess Mallard is some kind of in joke.

    Comment by Emperor Gum — September 19, 2008 @ 9:26 am

  4. What has been read…

    Cannot be unread.

    Comment by spartanhelmet — September 19, 2008 @ 8:12 pm

  5. James, write a novel and have it on my desk by Monday.
    It will sell millions.

    Comment by jtaylor — September 19, 2008 @ 8:54 pm

  6. Awesome ^-^

    Comment by Kkief02 — September 21, 2008 @ 12:24 am

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    Comment by Kemoedini — December 18, 2008 @ 9:01 am

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