They came, they saw, they realized this game was actually really, really long and really boring and really bad. Plot as flimsy as the construction of the first sentence in this blog post bad. Just awful in every single way. Graham, Brad and Paul suffered through sweat, tears, various itches and minor chaffing to bring you this epic, ridiculous 24 part lets play video that concludes with today’s update.
Now, I realize Cursed Crusade isn’t a very good game. It may not even be a game in the traditional sense, unless the game you are actually playing is “how long can I play without attempting to beat myself to death with the 360 controller?” But still, this is likely a momentous occasion. Has anyone else ever actually played this game to completion? No! All other potential Cursed Crusade finishers were declared mad for attempting the task, the trials of Graham, Paul and Brad serving as a potent warning to others. However, when we make great sacrifices (in this case at least three separate butt cramps), we must also strive to learn things from those sacrifices in order to use our pain to benefit humanity as a whole. It’s what Ghandi would have done.***
Things we learned from Cursed Crusade:
- Stay positive! Set your awful game up for a sequel even though half the development staff probably resigned due to shame before it was finished.
- A good game doesn’t need character development if its really long. The longer the characters stay around, the more the player gets attached to them.
- Don’t confuse players with too many distinct environments. Keep things nice and uniform so they can really feel immersed in your world.
- Start with a tantalizing framework of historical accuracy, then throw it all out the window in favour of a poor implemented supernatural element that breaks the game’s internal logic. People love that shit.
Anyhow, the whole playlist for the wretched game is here.
*** It is absolutely not what Ghandi would have done. He would have put down the controller and left the house to do something useful. He probably also would have asked “what the hell is this? You have future technology and THIS is what you show me?”