The Big Relationship Thread

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tamaness
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby tamaness » 25 May 2012, 05:53

With K, sometimes we can't sleep in the same bed (we do have a spare room with a bed in it), sometimes we sleep snuggled up right next to each other. She really likes contact, but sometimes I can't stand being close to anyone. There's a balance we're still working out after almost 6 years together.

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Alja-Markir » 25 May 2012, 07:11

I have a bit of claustrophobia, so I'm dead certain that contributes to my own problems with sleeping snuggled up to others.

One of these days I'm gonna have my friends come over and wrap me up in a carpet or something for an entire day, keep me company and comfortable, help me cope with the phobia as it threatens to spiral me into panic, and hopefully after being stuck long enough to spike the fear and overcome it, I can just lay there for a few hours taking a nap, then get unrolled afterwards and be mostly it all.

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 25 May 2012, 07:25

I would suggest you take baby steps to help with your phobia rather than do something drastic, as it could leave you traumatised and make the phobia worse. It would probably be best to start with a friend wrapping you in a carpet and unwrapping you after a few minutes, or even right away, and do it regularly, a bit longer every time.
I suggest you read about curing phobias and create your own plan. Basically phobias persist because you get rewarded for avoiding the trigger (the reward is that you stop being afraid) and the more you avoid it, the more you want to avoid it. So to desensitise yourself to the phobia you need to gradually submit yourself to it and see that nothing bad happens. But if you go too far out of your comfort zone, then you could end up feeling all "I knew it, I was right to be afraid, it WAS horrible"

I think if it was me, I would start with something bigger than a blanket, like a room, and then go smaller and smaller, with maybe a closet, and then a blanket in the end.

I took steps like that to cure my arachnophobia, and I only went partway through my plan, but it's been a while and I'm still where I was then, meaning still scared, but way less than when I started. I'll probably take it from where I left at some point, and I should be able to get completely better eventually.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Alja-Markir » 25 May 2012, 07:52

That's why I'd have the friends around - I'd realize when I was starting to panic and couldn't just bear with it, and they'd let me out before I truly lost it.

Personally, I find I respond better to being forced to cope. My arachnophobia got heavily reduced by accident when I went kayaking once in a tandem kayak and the people renting it to us forgot to mention the removeable rudder they had forgotten to put back into place. We kept asking why the kayak was so hard to steer and they kept assuming we were just noobs who were doing it wrong.

Anyway, at one point the steering was so bad we careened into a bunch of low-hanging foliage on one of the river banks and came away covered in daddy-long-leg type spiders. Being in a kayak, I had no real option to deal with them except to smash the ones I could with my oar or legs, and scrape or splash the others off into the water. Just dealt with it and continued the trip until our half-way stopping point, at which time I was able to get out, clean the dead spiders off my pants and the kayak, and get them to look at the kayak and finally get them to realize they derped hardcore.

Was smooth sailing from there, they had someone drive the missing rudder over to us. And spiders don't bug me nearly as much now.

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Metcarfre » 25 May 2012, 08:09

How big is your bed, Van?

It took very little time for me and wife. But man, am I ever glad we took what money we got from the wedding and purchased a really nice bed. WORTH IT.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Alja-Markir » 25 May 2012, 08:10

You spend something like a quarter of your life in bed. Always have a good bed.

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Metcarfre » 25 May 2012, 08:11

Indeed.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Vanguard » 25 May 2012, 09:29

My bed is a standard full size/double sized bed. There's enough room for both of us to, say, sleep back-to-back, but more often than that we're both in the center of the bed snuggling (the girlfriend is an epic snuggler).

For the most part the default way we try to sleep is with me just laying flat on my back with her slightly draped over my right side with her head buried in my chest. It's awfully damn adorable and, as long as my arm doesn't go to sleep, pretty comfortable.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby JustAName » 25 May 2012, 09:31

Yeah, that's what tends to work the best for us. Spooning leads to arms falling asleep, sadly.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Metcarfre » 25 May 2012, 09:55

Oh yeah, it was harder on the double. Queens are where it's at.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 25 May 2012, 20:34

@Alja, if it works better for you, then you go right ahead :) I'm pretty much the opposite, every time I encountered a spider by surprised I got more scared of them. Once I ended up in an old house that was full of them. Once I went camping and they were everywhere. Every time exposure left me a nervous wreck for days, and even the word was terrifying.

But when I exposed myself to them little by little and willingly, I got better slowly. Guess that works better for me. Which is interesting because in a lot of other contexts, I find it better for me to just be forced (for instance with work or dieting or things like that).

About spooning, my arm never falls alseep... it's usually over my head, or under my neck, where there is enough room that it doesn't cut circulation, or if I'm the spooner under his neck (ditto) or even just flat against his back.

Sometimes when I'm the spoonee, I have them crossed over my chest, and he has his wrapped around and crossed over my chest as well. It's restraining, but I find it oddly comforting, like I'm really safe. It's interesting because I'm usually a control freak in relationships, but with him I find it easy to relent control to him in cases like this.

This being said I'm kind of an anti-claustrophobe, I like small places better, I feel lost and alone in big homes for instance if they're relatively empty, or cluttered if they're not. I found I enjoyed it more than you'd expect when I was on a bus for 24 hours (I've done it 6 times so far), and I was stuck in the airport for 17 hours one and 28 hours another time and kind of liked it.

Anyways, We're thinking of getting a California King. Right now we have a Queen, and before that I had a bed that was 120cm wide, I think it's called a "one and a half" in English. It was a pain sleeping in that one, especially with a big guy.
On the other hand, I shared a single with a roommate for a few weeks and we never even touched during the night. But it wasn't very comfortable either.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Wraith » 25 May 2012, 20:46

Fayili wrote:Yeah, it's awkward. I find actually using his chest as a pillow is sometimes more comfortable than anything else.


Rocket does this. If there’s a simple, non-sexual gesture that can make me feel more awesome I do not know what it could possibly be.

I love spooning, but like a lot of guys, I can’t do it without my arm falling asleep. It’s friggin impossible to find something to do with the arm that doesn’t go over her.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby dackwards d » 25 May 2012, 20:55

Wraith wrote:
Fayili wrote:Yeah, it's awkward. I find actually using his chest as a pillow is sometimes more comfortable than anything else.


Rocket does this. If there’s a simple, non-sexual gesture that can make me feel more awesome I do not know what it could possibly be.

So much this. I wish Trixy did it more, but it wouldn't feel as awesomening (that's a word, shut up) if she was just doing it because I asked her to.

Also the spooning thing. It feels great to go to sleep holding someone, but that other arm... gah, that goddamned arm...
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 25 May 2012, 21:31

You know, I just realised why his arm doesn't fall asleep when he spoons me.
He's one foot taller than me. When we sleep my head is level with his chest, below his armpits. He can wrap both of them around me without either going under me.

The solution is obvious: get a longer bed, and sleep higher in the bed than the person you spoon. Problem solved!

I can't put my head on a guy's chest. One, it's too high and hurts my neck, two it's two hard with the bones and all. On the other hand, I've had time lying on top of guys entirely. That much is fine because you don't have the difference between the parts that are on the guy and the parts that aren't.
I also like using his arm as a pillow but don't get to do it much as it would fall asleep.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby gcninja » 25 May 2012, 21:35

One thing I kinda found that worked was, if the pillow is big enough, slip it under their neck under the pillow. That way it's not uncomfortable for them and your arm doesn't fall asleep.
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Fayili wrote:*Some sappy bullshit about the missing and the pain and the shortness of breath here*

seconded.... :\
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby goat » 26 May 2012, 12:55

gcninja wrote:
Fayili wrote:*Some sappy bullshit about the missing and the pain and the shortness of breath here*

seconded.... :\


Yes, we ALL miss Program IX....

he's just so dreamy

re: spooning, arm under the pillow is the safest way to go, really. Maybe not under her head, but somewhere up and over works fairly well. I have had some arm numbness/pain from staying like that too long, though.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 29 May 2012, 04:03

Le sigh.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby An Evil Herbivore » 30 May 2012, 12:19

Well, I've pissed off all of my friends and family talking about it, so I guess I'll bother some total strangers on the internet about it now.

The girl I love and care about more than anything on the planet says that I'm better off without her.

She...well, she made some mistakes a couple of months ago that I won't go into detail over, and she decided that it was better for both of us if we weren't together anymore.

Since then, I've said some things to her that I regret, and she's done the same to me. It's been almost a month since we spoke, and last night I made the mistake of sending her a message. I told her that I wanted to try things with her again, to get back what we had.

She told me that she still thinks I'm better off without her in my life. I've asked her to call me, and I don't know if she will or not.

I'm stumped though. I've never had a real relationship before, and I'm frankly not sure if I should just try to let her go and let her move on with her life, or try to show her how much she means to me.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 30 May 2012, 12:29

I think it's possible she's not interested, and she's trying to let you down nicely by using a variation on "it's not you, it's me". You should probably move on.
If she does believe you're better off without her, then she probably needs some time to work on her life and herself. Sadly by the time she has done that, it's likely she will be in a different place and not interested in getting back together with you.
I guess you never know, but... I wouldn't count on it. Give her room, let her be. Since it was her decision, it should be her decision to get back together, too. I don't think you can convince her.

Good luck!
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby JustAName » 30 May 2012, 12:33

It also might be a good idea to consider whether or not you want to get back what you once had (which would be impossible), or whether you just want her no matter what (possibly unfair to her). It would probably be a good idea to try and take it out of your mind completely for a week or two, and see how your life is when you're not worrying about this. If you just feel better it's probably time to give it up and spend some time single again. It can feel really good.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 30 May 2012, 12:34

Just so we're clear, were you actually in a relationship with this girl or just pining? Because the possibilities change depending on which it was.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby An Evil Herbivore » 30 May 2012, 12:40

We were actually in a relationship for quite a while. She was a huge part of my life too.

As far as giving it time is concerned, I've been trying to move on with my life for almost a month now. It hasn't gone well.

I don't think she's just trying to let me down easily, and even if she is, I'd prefer she just tell me straight up. As far as leaving her be is concerned, well like I said, I gave it a month and it was tearing me apart to not talk to her.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 30 May 2012, 12:43

Right, in that event, I have a few more questions:

How long were you together?

Does she (or you) have any known mental disorders?

Do you recall any problems that came up? Especially shortly before the breakup?

Did you two disagree on any issues that might seem important? Children and marriage, for example?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby An Evil Herbivore » 30 May 2012, 12:46

Well, we were *officially* together for about 5 months. We were basically dating for about 2 or 3 months before that, and we were really close friends for about a year and a half before that.

As for mental disorders? Well, I suffer from clinical depression, which I'm currently taking pills for. (Though I've noticed that since she left I'm slipping into some familiar patterns)

Problems? Well, there was a pretty big one which was really complicated and would take a really really long time to type out. Short version, she made a big mistake, she felt bad about it. It led to this.

Disagreements? Not particularly. We disagreed on abortion. (I won't say who thought what, for fear of derailment) But that was just kind of a quick "Here are my thoughts, what are yours" type deal.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Metcarfre » 30 May 2012, 12:51

I don't think you'd have a healthy relationship with this person at this point. You need to be able to stand on your own without them for a while.

And, as a word of sympathy, you're supposed to feel shitty after a breakup. Clinical depression certainly doesn't help.
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