The Big Relationship Thread

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JustAName
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby JustAName » 08 Dec 2014, 15:01

"I have found myself developing romantic feelings for you. If you don't reciprocate them, that is absolutely fine, and I won't bring it up again. I would like to know if you think we could have a relationship, though. I think you're amazing, and that we would be great." Done.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 08 Dec 2014, 15:54

Yeah, I'd agree. If you think it's a medium that might work for your specific set of circumstances, I wouldn't rule it out entirely. But don't make it seem like a huge deal, because then she'll feel awkward if she doesn't feel the same, and I'd definitely avoid making it long, because then it looks like you've gone to a great effort to make this declaration. Just be straight-forward, get the point, and make it clear that however she feels, you won't hold it against her or think less of her for it.
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Rikadyn
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 10 Dec 2014, 14:19

Odds are I won't actually find the nerve to say anything, rather keeping it bottled inside until time begins to decay the friendship to the point we no longer talk. I would say till we no longer think of each other, but I don't really forget anyone, so instead I'll just carry it with me onward
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby korvys » 10 Dec 2014, 16:10

Well, if your friendship is going to be ruined anyway, might as well get it out there. At worst, it's a lose-lose situation, so it doesn't matter which way you go:
You either say how you feel and fuck it up or say nothing and let it fuck you up instead

One of those options is certain though, the other has a good chance that your worst fears are wrong, and that it could be a lot less bad than your think.


As a semi-related experiment, hands up anyone who was super scared to tell someone how they felt, and was rejected, and it wasn't as bad as their mind told them it was going to be.

*holds his hand up*
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby ZePancakes » 10 Dec 2014, 22:21

*hand in upwards motion*
Oh-h-h-h SNAP... Concede.

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Avistew
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 10 Dec 2014, 23:10

*raises hand*

Also, sometimes you don't get rejected. But yeah, I'm not saying rejection doesn't suck. It does, and that's why we're terrified by it. But even the worst rejections I've had (and I have had some pretty bad ones), I was still glad I asked and got rejected rather than fooling myself any longer or torturing myself over what the answer may or may not be.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Elomin Sha » 11 Dec 2014, 02:20

I'll get back to you on that.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 11 Dec 2014, 03:07

A natural death to time is more acceptable than a murder due to ones own selfishness. The problem is acting doesn't guarantee the death but its the fear of death that is the deterrent.

So we must abandon fear, and see death as a natural part of life, and it is part of life. Relationships of all forms have their own time their own lifelines that will eventually end. There is nothing that will last forever, and believing that is delusion and attachment to those delusions is what leads to suffering of the heart.

Acting or not acting, they're both attachments and lead to suffering over a death that will happen eventually...

Still though...it's hard...
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 11 Dec 2014, 06:57

I'm developing pretty strong feelings for my boyfriend, and I'm scared. It's all pretty new to him (I joke that I got a head start on the relationship since I pursued him actively for about a month and was interested in him for a little bit before that) so I don't really want to tell him about how I feel and freak him out or make him feel pressured if he doesn't feel the same way, but it's reaching a point where I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it in, either.

I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to talk about it with some people we both know and ask for their advice, or if it's a terrible idea that could backfire terribly if he hears about it from them or something.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 14 Dec 2014, 06:13

Well if there's an upside to depression with me, it erases my fear of fucking up. I confessed with fayili's statement as a guide and now am terrified of my Facebook account. So two birds one stone

edit: shot down with "Well, sorry. but I don't"
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby JustAName » 14 Dec 2014, 08:08

Hey, we're really proud of you for trying. And now you don't have to worry about it anymore. If you wanna talk, I'm glad to listen.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 14 Dec 2014, 09:59

We're definitely here to support you, Rikadyn, and now you know. Sorry it didn't work out the way you hoped.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 14 Dec 2014, 12:17

Not the way I hoped, but the way I expected. Being proven right is a bitter consolation prize in this game, and from here on we choose not to play.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 14 Dec 2014, 13:17

I'm still in a relationship with Chris (not sure I shared his name before).

It's been two weeks now. I feel like he's making a lot of effort to be a "good boyfriend", paying for stuff, getting me gifts, things like that. But he also seems very reluctant to be physical. We reached the making out stage, which he says he enjoys a lot (although I'm sick today so there shall be no making out. Boohoo) but it seems he's not really interested in being more physical right now.

He's not sexual and I know he's young and I don't want to pressure him, but I can't help but feel rejected. Whenever we have an opportunity, he seems to have reasons not to go for it, mostly that he's tired. That's fine rationally of course, but I've been told so often that guys, especially at his age, just want to have sex all the time, I can't help but feel I'm doing something wrong or that he's not attracted to me.

I know the relationship is young, but all my previous relationships moved way faster than this so it's still difficult for me to process. I keep thinking maybe he's about to break up with me. Then we see each other and he seems happy. So instead I wonder if maybe it will be years before he's comfortable with the whole thing. And I'd be fine with it as long as I had an idea how long to wait for, but I can't because of course he doesn't.

He says he's just going with the flow, and I'd love to do that but it's just not the way I work. Not planning things is just super stressful for me. It's like every date I have to both prepare for getting dumped and getting proposed to or something. It's emotionally draining and stressful and I don't know how to just not feel that way.

I want to just have nice, enjoyable dates, but it's eating at me and making the whole thing difficult. I keep feeling like he's slowly withdrawing for me, and I don't think it's based in fact, but it could definitely become a self-fulfilling prophecy if I don't get my act together.

Not sure if anyone can help with the situation, but I was afraid if I didn't talk about it here I would end up talking to him about it over and over again until he had enough and decided to break things off.

He keeps telling me I'm awesome and understanding but I really don't feel that way :S
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby korvys » 14 Dec 2014, 14:47

I am completely unqualified to provide advice on any of the other, completely legitimate concerns you've raised, but I did want to pick on one point:

Avistew wrote:I've been told so often that guys, especially at his age, just want to have sex all the time

This is exactly as true as the idea that women don't want sex, and that it's only something they put up with because they want to please men. Which is to say, not at all.

Which I'm sure you're aware of, but I thought maybe contrasting it to an equally dumb myth might help you internalise that.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby My pseudonym is Ix » 14 Dec 2014, 15:07

Yeah, what korvys said. I've never been in a relationship, but I sure as hell know that I'd be walking on eggshells two weeks into one- particularly one in an interpersonal environment as new and unusual as yours is to him.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Master Gunner » 14 Dec 2014, 15:18

My pseudonym is Ix wrote:Yeah, what korvys said. I've never been in a relationship, but I sure as hell know that I'd be walking on eggshells two weeks into one- particularly one in an interpersonal environment as new and unusual as yours is to him.


+1,000,000

Even in a "normal" relationship, typically two weeks is still very much in the infancy of the relationship, and he's still trying to figure the whole thing out and what he's comfortable with.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 14 Dec 2014, 15:32

Thanks. I already knew this but it helps to hear it. I got a headstart in the relationship, really, since I was courting him for a month or two before he even realised what was going on. So I'm already really attached to the guy but with the current circumstances, well he has reasons to be cautious. And I think going slowly is better than rushing in and then realising it's all a big mess, but I'm definitely paranoid about how everything I may say or do could influence him and cause him to leave. Ultimately, this is a problem I need to resolve for myself though.

Thanks for pitching in, guys, I really appreciate it.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 14 Dec 2014, 15:32

Thanks. I already knew this but it helps to hear it. I got a headstart in the relationship, really, since I was courting him for a month or two before he even realised what was going on. So I'm already really attached to the guy but with the current circumstances, well he has reasons to be cautious. And I think going slowly is better than rushing in and then realising it's all a big mess, but I'm definitely paranoid about how everything I may say or do could influence him and cause him to leave. Ultimately, this is a problem I need to resolve for myself though.

Thanks for pitching in, guys, I really appreciate it.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Rikadyn » 14 Dec 2014, 15:37

fuck I'm 30 And would feel odd kissing two weeks into a relationship.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 14 Dec 2014, 16:20

I would feel weird calling it a relationship before there is any kissing, to be honest, unless it was long distance, in which case I would assume the lack of kissing to be a result of the distance. Maybe I'm just unusually physical and always ended up with people as physical as me until now.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby korvys » 14 Dec 2014, 18:14

I can offer no specific advice. I am currently 6 years into the only relationship I've ever had, and that started with me fooling around with my best friend's friend, the night of the day we met.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Jamfalcon » 14 Dec 2014, 22:34

Been away from the forum for a couple days (for reasons related to this thread, I suppose... I'll get to that) so just to catch up:

- I'll raise my hand as another person who agonized over whether or not to ask someone out, did so, got rejected, but found it much easier to handle than I thought I would.

- Good on you, Rikadyn. Even if it didn't work out the way you wanted, I think you made the right choice, even if it's tough now.

- The current topic: I'll pitch in with the rest saying that the stereotype, while certainly true for some, is far from universal. I seem to recall you saying he was 18. At that age, while I was certainly interested, I would have been super cautious too, regardless of the situation, and would have been very uncomfortable getting too intimate within the first couple of weeks. It's a lot to take in and get used to, I definitely wouldn't read too much into him being a little bit hesitant.

And for myself, I've had my girlfriend staying at my house for the week (hence the absence), and it's been fantastic. This is the longest we've been able to be together (she lives about a four hour drive away, and in the US) without her being really busy juggling school and work at the same time. It's my nature to want to say maybe I'm just being optimistic or something, but I really feel like I've found the right person on the first try, and I couldn't be happier with the way things are going (distance aside).
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Avistew » 14 Dec 2014, 22:51

That's awesome, Jamfalcon! I'm glad you guys got to spend that time together :)

EDIT: Oh, and yes, he is 18.

Speaking about him, at work people started to realise we're a couple and we got a lot of comments about being cute (and a few confused questions about my being married) but to my great pleasure nobody assumed I was cheating, hopefully because they can tell I'm not the kind of person who would do that (or maybe because we don't hide the relationship at all and I guess a cheater would).
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby viscomica » 15 Dec 2014, 05:23

Avistew wrote:EDIT: Oh, and yes, he is 18.


:O

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