The Big Relationship Thread

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Alja-Markir » 11 Nov 2010, 19:57

Your problem is you're trying to produce relationship sublimation.

You want to jump from from the acquiantances phase directly to the significant others phase, skipping over the intermediary friends phase. Just as in physics, this is more difficult than going in sequence. For many situations, it is actually impossible.

Now, like in physics, there are certain materials that will readily sublime, but they require the right conditions. There are also some materials that typically will actually almost only sublime, never going through the intermediary phase. These are few in number, however, and their applications are specialized.

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Gordon Fearman » 11 Nov 2010, 19:58

Good for you, Misty.

Back in high school (when I was in classes not filled with dudes) annoying girls would (I assume) patronise me. That doesn't happen now that I'm in university and in classes only with dudes. Or huge.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 12 Nov 2010, 05:01

Yeah, I'm glad for you Misty. I remember reading Tweets a while ago about how he was hurting you, so it's really great you got out. :)

I actually have a friend who's in the same kind of relationship but who isn't anywhere close to getting out of it. :? It really sucks to watch.


Anyway, I think I have a problem where I meet someone I'm attracted to, but then politely don't hit on them because, well, they must get that all the time right? They're attractive and nice, but I don't want to bother them with un-wanted attention. Compliments must wear thin pretty quickly if you get them all the time. I eslpeically avoid hitting on girls who've just come out of relationships because, obviously, they don't want to be thinking about another one right away.
But other guys don't bother with the same politeness, and instead work some kind of fucking magic where they just jump right in and then the girl's taken in another relationship that becomes established and gets longer, and here I am being a gentleman and not getting anywhere. :?

Ah well, someone's gotta apreciate gentlemanly behaviour eventually, right? :P
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Metcarfre » 12 Nov 2010, 07:23

"Not talking to girls" is gentlemanly?

Good sir, a gentleman always compliments a lady.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby ThrashJazzAssassin » 12 Nov 2010, 07:35

I know what you mean, Jester. Sometimes it can be hard to let a girl know that you are interested without coming on too strong - or it can seem that way.

The trick is to see to it that unfortunate "accidents" befall anyone else who gets too close to her, until she's had time to realise how incredibly gentlemanly you are.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Master Gunner » 12 Nov 2010, 08:03

metcarfre wrote:"Not talking to girls" is gentlemanly?

Good sir, a gentleman always compliments a lady.


This. A gentleman is always sincere with their compliments, and will tell a lady that her dress looks nice because it genuinely does look nice. A scoundrel from the unwashed masses will say the same to any young maiden only because they wish to remove said dress, and will typically put forth the compliment in a truly vulgar fashion.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Gordon Fearman » 12 Nov 2010, 08:11

As such, gentlemen don't exist.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 12 Nov 2010, 08:41

Guys, I think you mis-understood. I'll compliment, that's fine, though I do worry that girls I think are attractive must hear them a lot, but when I say "hitting on" perhaps I mean "flirting with". I don't want to come across as a bore or a cad, so I'm reluctant to do it.
I think I also run into a difficulty where people have trouble deliniating "wanting to get to know a girl" from "wanting to jump straight into a relationship with a girl", and I can never figure out how to make it clear without being frightfully blunt.

Also, I mentioned I'm reluctant to flirt with anyone who's just come out of a relationship because I allways assume she won't be interested in starting another one so soon. This inevitably leads to her becoming taken by someone else with startling speed. Is there some kind of signal that I've yet to observe, or should one simply ignore the possibility of a freshly single girl not wanting to start anything so soon (even when she says so directly, because I notice it's these girls who're the quickest to start again)?


Human beings are so frustrating!
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Metcarfre » 12 Nov 2010, 08:51

You want to avoid appearing to be a bore... so you don't talk to people.

Brilliant! :P
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 12 Nov 2010, 09:11

Oh hey, so you're going to mis-consture what I say? Fun times. :?
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Theremin » 12 Nov 2010, 09:30

The Jester wrote:Guys, I think you mis-understood. I'll compliment, that's fine, though I do worry that girls I think are attractive must hear them a lot, but when I say "hitting on" perhaps I mean "flirting with". I don't want to come across as a bore or a cad, so I'm reluctant to do it.
I think I also run into a difficulty where people have trouble deliniating "wanting to get to know a girl" from "wanting to jump straight into a relationship with a girl", and I can never figure out how to make it clear without being frightfully blunt.

Also, I mentioned I'm reluctant to flirt with anyone who's just come out of a relationship because I allways assume she won't be interested in starting another one so soon. This inevitably leads to her becoming taken by someone else with startling speed. Is there some kind of signal that I've yet to observe, or should one simply ignore the possibility of a freshly single girl not wanting to start anything so soon (even when she says so directly, because I notice it's these girls who're the quickest to start again)?


Human beings are so frustrating!


I think you'll find that you're frustrating.

You've made up this collection weird little rules and social guidelines for yourself and it's not doing you any favours.

Worry about being a cad after you have any real experience being a gentleman.

Stop being a weirdo and stop overthinking this.

If you like a girl, flirt with her. If she likes you, things will go from there.

Simples.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Metcarfre » 12 Nov 2010, 09:35

Or just talk, which is all flirting is.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 12 Nov 2010, 09:35

Yes, I am a bit stupid, aren't I? :x

I mean that seriously.


I just can't help it most of the time, though. High school was most unkind.

Anyway, Carpe Diem and all that.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Theremin » 12 Nov 2010, 09:37

Yes, seize the day by going out and talking to someone you find attractive, without worrying about being boring, or caddish, or any of the other things that no woman actually cares about.

Do it. Do it now.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby TheRocket » 12 Nov 2010, 09:39

You've got more to give to the world than what highschool gave to you. Find out who you are and stop letting highschool define you.
Walk in like DeNiro, and leave like Brando.

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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 12 Nov 2010, 09:42

It's more that it ingraned rules into me about how I was essentially allways at fault, and that anything I did would bother others or induce ridicule. I like what I like and won't apologise for it, though I'll conceed that that's not all it takes to "know yourself". High school made me limit how I interact with people, not how I see myself.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Theremin » 12 Nov 2010, 09:50

Expand, please.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Lyinginbedmon » 12 Nov 2010, 09:58

When Theremin is the one calling you wierd, you know it just got real.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Theremin » 12 Nov 2010, 10:03

Quiet, Mimm/Tim/horrifying amalgam of the two.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby ThrashJazzAssassin » 12 Nov 2010, 10:07

The "weirdo" was uncalled for, though. A lot of geeky guys have similar doubts about how their overtures will be received.

The "just come out of the previous relationship" thing is down to you, really, Jester. If it makes you feel uncomfortable to wade in as soon as the previous boyfriend has left, then I guess you just have to accept that less tactful people may get lucky.

The rest of the time, though, you have to have more confidence. Assuming there is any potential attraction there, she's going to be happy for you to chat her up a bit even if it annoys her when random guys in bars do it. Assuming that she doesn't want to hear it is never going to get you anywhere.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby JustAName » 12 Nov 2010, 10:08

The Jester wrote:Also, I mentioned I'm reluctant to flirt with anyone who's just come out of a relationship because I allways assume she won't be interested in starting another one so soon. This inevitably leads to her becoming taken by someone else with startling speed. Is there some kind of signal that I've yet to observe, or should one simply ignore the possibility of a freshly single girl not wanting to start anything so soon (even when she says so directly, because I notice it's these girls who're the quickest to start again)?


Have you heard of this thing called a rebound? This is why a lot of girls fresh off relationships will jump on something coming their way. It's hard to go from that feeling of being special to someone to being alone, so it's easy to grab at anything approximating that. Of course, not all relationships just after others are rebounds, but you get the idea.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby Theremin » 12 Nov 2010, 10:11

It's basically easy mode, and it's fantastic.
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 12 Nov 2010, 10:12

It got so I felt I couldn't even tell my cloest friends what I thought, felt or liked because it'd end up being used against me to ridicule me and make a cheap joke. Anything I said would be taken out of context and be re-purposed to make it sound like I was saying whatever the person doing it wanted. It felt like I couldn't ever let my guard down or something foul would get dumped on me or I would be assaulted in some "hilarious" manner. Naturally, my teenage self concluded that it was all my faulf for not fitting in or... something. I never did figure out what was "wrong" with me to make me such a target, and later I realised that the problem wasn't with me and never was. But I'd already been conditioned by that point to think I was a generally unlikable person and that kind of thinking is a tough rut to break out of.

Oh yeah, and pretty much every girl in my year and frequently other years too would either completely ignore me or give me such an impression of overriding scorn and derision. The few that didn't just stated clearly and with no possibility of mis-understanding that they were in no way attracted to me. I'm still no good with girls today, as we have explored. :?

Clearly I was a completely unatractive and generally unlikable person, and I should be sorry I inflicted myself on anyone else, ever. I seesaw between "Fuck that, how could I think it? I'm not bad" and "That is totally right, I shall stop speaking to people untill this feeling wears off and I'm moving back towards the other end of the scale". Fun times in the land of Richard's head, right?


I've done my best to fix myself, and leaving that fucking place was pretty much the best thing that happened to me (it being closed down the following year gave me a little smug satisfaction), but allways there are things I can't do, don't notice or can't let myself notice. Fuck my high school. >:/
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby ThrashJazzAssassin » 12 Nov 2010, 10:15

Theremin wrote:It's basically easy mode, and it's fantastic.
Until two weeks later when she decides it was a mistake and dumps you. :P
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Re: The Big Relationship Thread

Postby The Jester » 12 Nov 2010, 10:17

Surprisingly enough, I'm not particularly negative most of the time.

Oh, and a lot of my self-worth issues have been compounded more recently by other girls, in one instance being told she didn't want to see me again because I wasn't confident enough, another because her best friend who she'd also slept with at a party once sent her a text so suddenly it was all off between us, and a few other things that're rather complex and I don't feel like going into. :?


Fayili wrote:
The Jester wrote:Also, I mentioned I'm reluctant to flirt with anyone who's just come out of a relationship because I allways assume she won't be interested in starting another one so soon. This inevitably leads to her becoming taken by someone else with startling speed. Is there some kind of signal that I've yet to observe, or should one simply ignore the possibility of a freshly single girl not wanting to start anything so soon (even when she says so directly, because I notice it's these girls who're the quickest to start again)?


Have you heard of this thing called a rebound? This is why a lot of girls fresh off relationships will jump on something coming their way. It's hard to go from that feeling of being special to someone to being alone, so it's easy to grab at anything approximating that. Of course, not all relationships just after others are rebounds, but you get the idea.

I'm familiar with it, yes. However, I'm so aware of my own thought processes that I'm pretty confident any compulsions I might have in that reguard would be over-ruled by sense. My confidence could be mis-placed, but then it's never been tested... technically.

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