The depressing depression thread

Drop by and talk about anything you want. This is where all cheese-related discussions should go
User avatar
Dutch guy
Posts: 5195
Joined: 11 Feb 2008, 17:12
First Video: History of Halo
Location: Southern Dutch Colonies

The depressing depression thread

Postby Dutch guy » 03 Jun 2012, 07:03

So... yeah...

Background:
I've got an essay/report to write for which I need to hand in a preliminary version to my tutor tomorrow. I've got most of it done, but needed to pour everything into indesign, write an introduction, summary and some bits and bobs this weekend. The last week I was already starting to "slip a little" and this weekend I've just seemed to hit the good old rock bottom of the well again. I feel like crap, want to get a lot done but just sit around doing fuckall and keep telling myself, I'll just do this and then start on the essay stuff.

It's now 5pm local time and I still haven't done much at all. I've gotten InDesign started and setup the Section and subsection headers, inserted the page numbers, set up the master page, etc. But that's all small stuff.

I've been in this situation before and I recognize it by now. Somehow I'm depressed again. I'd be lying is I said I don't know whats causing it. This is the final essay for my education, after this gets approved, I'm no longer a student and will have to get a job, etc. Rationally I know this is not really going to be a problem, I have nothing to worry about and I can handle it. Irrationally I'm not sure I like where I'm going with my life and if I like the work I'm doing.

Every time I start doing other stuff I kick myself back down that dark hole again, yet I just can't get myself to do anything about it.

I'm not even sure why I'm starting this thread. From past experience I know admitting I'm being self-destructive to someone else than myself is a bit of a boot to arse I need. Maybe I just needed to vent these feelings...

As I know there are/have been more forum members that suffer from the same rage inducing self-loathing, depression, lethargy and self-destructive behaviour, feel free to discuss/vent/talk about it here.

To anybody who wants to say I or others "should just suck it up" or "just stop" or whatever, kindly go huff a dong. You clearly haven't ever been down the hole before. And trust me, this here rabbit hole is a deep and dark one :cry:
Last edited by Dutch guy on 05 Jun 2012, 04:44, edited 1 time in total.
THE DUTCH!! THE DUTCH AGAIN!!!!!
Elomin Sha wrote:Dutch guy is the King of the Dutch.
User avatar
Lord Chrusher
Can't Drink Possible Beers
Posts: 8913
Joined: 29 Apr 2005, 22:53
First Video: Door to Door
Location: In England.

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Lord Chrusher » 03 Jun 2012, 07:37

I totally know how you feel and I am going through it now.
Image
We are all made of star dust. However we are also made of nuclear waste.
Remember to think before you post.
Image
User avatar
Phailhammer
Posts: 3234
Joined: 14 Nov 2010, 05:15
First Video: Fun With Microwaves (I think)
Location: Hazelbrook, NSW, Australia

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Phailhammer » 03 Jun 2012, 07:47

"I feel like crap, want to get a lot done but just sit around doing fuckall and keep telling myself, I'll just do this and then start on the essay stuff."

I think I know that feeling. I'm like that more often than I'd like to be. I actually tried to get myself in gear on Thursday by writing up a list of things I wanted to get done on my projects this weekend. It's now Monday morning (1:46), and I've barely finished the first item. While this time it wasn't so much due to procrastination, it still leaves the same bad feeling.
Preacher wrote:Do you have one of those for every occasion, Phailhammer?
Geoff_B wrote:And lo, the plot to end the world was undone by a bandwidth exceeded notice.
FictionPress stories:
The Vitaris Insurrection, The Outbreak (The latter not written by me, but I am in it.)
User avatar
Deedles
Posts: 4043
Joined: 29 Nov 2010, 13:19
First Video: Man Cooking
Location: A shoebox on Kashyyyk.
Contact:

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Deedles » 03 Jun 2012, 07:52

Whenever I try to get serious about something I demotivate myself into the floor to the point of not being able to find the energy to actually get anything done, that or I'm just left with this sense of meaninglessness and I just can't figure out a reason to bother with anything.

Like this post, I wanted it to be longer, I wanted to say more, but I can't muster the energy to actually find the words to vocalize my thoughts and feelings.
Hurp-De-Durp!
User avatar
Dibria
Posts: 919
Joined: 30 Apr 2011, 12:40
First Video: The Job
Location: Somewhere between Lands End and John o' Groats

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Dibria » 03 Jun 2012, 08:06

Motivation is a bitch, I'm sure we're all familiar with this pattern, this is generally how I react to having work to do.

1. I have work to do but I also want to do X (let's say play Mass Effect)

2. I have a week to do the work but I know it will take a long time, I will not permit myself to play Mass Effect Until it's done.

3. Spend a few hours doing fuck all, talk to housemates, spend forever to make food, read an article online, anything but actually do work.

4. Today's over go to bed.

5. See step 2/3.

6. See step 4.

7. Repeat previous steps until day before deadline buy a multipack of energy drinks and do it all in 1 night, badly, having spent the whole week neither doing the work or playing Mass Effect instead whittling away the time doing nothing.
Image
User avatar
Fenrir
Posts: 930
Joined: 26 Jul 2011, 07:25
First Video: LRRcast for Interrupted Garage
Location: Somewhere in the Ethers.

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Fenrir » 03 Jun 2012, 09:22

Aye, I've had that particular mind set more times than I'd care to admit to. Especially of late. I wish I could offer some form of advice as to how to get out of the proverbial rut but I tend to find different things work for different people. Meaning what works for me might not work for you.

As silly as it may sound, perhaps try to establish a reward system for yourself or something? e.g. Say to yourself that you will work on your project for X amount of time and then you will allow yourself to do Y for Z amount of time. Then rinse and repeat.
"Sing something new, I have nothing left. I can't face the dark without you."

: Fenrir - DB IRC : LRRFenrir - TwitchTV : @the_dismuke - Twitter :

Image
User avatar
the_lone_bard
Posts: 1870
Joined: 26 Nov 2010, 08:39
First Video: Black box...i think.
Location: The other victoria (aus)
Contact:

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby the_lone_bard » 03 Jun 2012, 09:39

So yeah, this post got really far away from me. Sorry about that.

Lately my life keeps getting worse and worse. And just think about that for a second, 9 months ago I thought i'd hit rock bottom. And yet I just keep getting worse and worse. My insomnia's creeped back into my life, a side effect of trying to hold onto the one good thing that remains in my life, Music. I listen to music, and then I keep listening, and then I know I should go to bed, but I need to listen more. And then it's 4:30am.
Money's also becoming more and more of a problem, nothing like that feeling of shame as you walk to the milkbar to buy smokes with $18 in 5c pieces. Or cleaning your glasses and having the lens fall out only to think "Jesus fuck, please don't break, I can't see withoutyou and it'll be 6 months before I can afford a new pair!"
Me and friend X aren't talking again. She asked why I wasn't talking to her last week and I just told her, I'm sick of hearing more about her life from mutual friends, than from her. I could ask her what the weather was like today and she'd tell me somewhere between blizzard and firestorm.
I don't regret not talking to her at the moment, but it still feels like shit knowing that someone who you care about alot, isn't speaking to you.

My grandmothers at it again. Last week walked out and she'd decided to use the Pasta sauce I defrosted for herself. Told her I've asked her not to touch my food, and now I've got nothing to eat and she decided to flip the fuck out, started screaming as if I'd just killed a kitten. Ended with her telling me to go hungry, and to get the fuck out or she's calling the cops to kick me out. My grandfather eventually told her to calm down and she started screaming at him that if he doesn't like it he can get out with me.

My father continues to ignore my existence. No surprises there.

Centerlink is breathing down my neck because I can't go to school. Completely ignore me when I tell them why, just respond with "Don't care if you can't afford it, you either go or you don't get any money." Basically saying not my problem if I can afford to eat or not.

On the subject of eating, for the last three weeks my stomach's been staging a mutiny. I eat something, it does it's best to straight up murder me in response. Should really go to a doctor, but I can't afford the bus trip down, there, let alone anything I get for it. My left ears also been infected for the last two weeks, I wasn't even aware there was that much fluid in my body, but apparenly my ears hold a portal to the nether realm, and it's full of clear pus. My leg's also been on and off lately, it shows up and pisses off after a day or two though, so I think i'm just sleeping awkwardly or something, rather than it going full 'fuck you' mode.

Weather is nice too, outside is warmer than my fucking room, I go to bed fully dressed with two blankets and still it takes half an hour to feel my feet again.

I can also no longer afford to go out one day a week like I used too. Fun, I picked up a brand new copy of RISK and DIPLOMACY for $30, and can't even go out and find someone to play them with at the local game shop.

I find myself increasingly unable to tell if what I'm saying is incredibly offensive. That's also fun.

The girl that I love(d), the one in Darwin who's with another guy, finally accepted the fact that there is no way for me to get the girl anymore. That was... Crushing. For 5 years now I've loved her, and wished more than anything to just have her, don't care about a job, house, money, familly or friends, everything else coulda fucked right off if I just had her. But now she's gone, and I'm not a big enough cunt to try and fuck up her relationship just to get another chance.

And, nobody needs me anymore. All through my depression I had friends that were in shitty situations, who needed help just as much as I did. And that kept me going, kept me working towards something, there was always a plan. Get through school, get a job, get money, move out, help the people close to me no matter what. And now, now none of them need help, they don't avoid me, but it seems like everyone of my relationships was built entirely around me helping them deal with their problems. And now they don't need me so we rarely talk. I realised on monday, that it'd been a week since I talked to anyone outside of my guild on WoW. They're all great people, but I feel kinda like I don't belong there. at least not in a group, when we're raiding, it's fine, but when we're just in guild chat doin whatever, I feel like the odd one out. and that's just plain weird.

And to top it all off, alot of you have read my posts over in vent about my history with my mother.
Well, I've been trying to get in touch with her, try and go to her for help. She's either avoiding me or doesn't check email, facebook or pick up her phone anymore.
That's how fucked my life feels these days, I turned to the last person in the world I ever thought I'd be seeking help from, and got fucking rejected!

Nights are the worst though. I sit/lay and think, and even though I still feel like I could do anything in the world, cure fucking cancer if I had half the chance, the overwhelming feeling now is just hopelessness. I've fought to survive for 19 years. Fought for every, damn, little thing in my life. and where's it got me? Worse and worse off. I'm now a prisoner on the sinking ship that is my life, trying desperately to use duct tape to patch up the million gigantic holes sinking it. Maybe if i'd just laid down and taken it as a teen and let my mother rule my life i'd have passed highschool. gotten a job and had a life by now. Maybe if I hadn't fought so hard against my grandmother, for the basic right of being treated like a person, my life woulda kept getting better here.But no, I had to be me, had to live by the rule that everyone is an equal, nobody is above me and the onlyones below me have proven that they earned it. I'm so fucking sick of fighting, I just want it to be over, but if it ever does end, then what? How would I react in a world not trying to crush me at every second? If it ever stops, will I ever have a normal, functional life?
And ya know what the kicker is? two weeks ago I went to school, first day in about 3 months I'd had the money to go, and we wound up at an engineering firm, doing basically vocab cert 1. (I've already got cert 2, so just derped off) but there was a point where one of the guys passed around a folder of civil engineering plans, strangely enough for the roadworks going on directly outside of my local game store. Seriously, that's just weird co-incidence shit. And I looked at it, and I understood it. Not everything about it, but I could see what meant what, and how it was supposed to work, I couldn't reverse engineer it to tell you how they came to the conclusion that X goes to Y, but I understood that X does in fact, go to Y. So I looked more, and more and figured out that I could have been handed these, and been able to tell a construction crew what to do. And then it hit me, the thing that I'd been trying to figure out about myself for the last 5 or so years, I pick up and understand things I have no damned right to understand in no time. It's why I always find things so damned easy, it's not just that I'm getting served things that are dumb. And yes, this sounds incredibly arrogant, I know. But I finally figured it out, why I feel like I can do anything is because if I pay attention to something, I probably can do anything. Or maybe I'm just crazy. I know if any psychologist seen inside my head they'd probably run screaming in the opposite direction and not stop till they hit Canada.

But, at the end of the day I'm just tired. So fucking tired of it all, of life. I've never been the type to think of commiting suicide, so I'm safe on that account. The entire thing fascinates me though, but fucked if I fought this long just to go out by my own hand. If the universe wants me, it can come and take me. The problem is, I'm too tired to fight it anymore if it does. I honestly just wanna curl up on the ground and wait it out.

Well fuck, that got away from me, I originally intended to only write the first half a paragraph of this, and 45 minutes later, here I am. an entire chapter out of the book that is me. So, apologies if this makes anyone else feel like crap. but hey, it's the depressing thread, and I decided along time ago to stop posting this crap in venting thread.
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/lone.bard
MsN: [email protected]
Skype: [email protected]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheLoneBard
Twitter: Thelonebard

I'm mean because you're stupid.
User avatar
Dutch guy
Posts: 5195
Joined: 11 Feb 2008, 17:12
First Video: History of Halo
Location: Southern Dutch Colonies

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Dutch guy » 03 Jun 2012, 09:44

Fenrir wrote:Aye, I've had that particular mind set more times than I'd care to admit to. Especially of late. I wish I could offer some form of advice as to how to get out of the proverbial rut but I tend to find different things work for different people. Meaning what works for me might not work for you.

As silly as it may sound, perhaps try to establish a reward system for yourself or something? e.g. Say to yourself that you will work on your project for X amount of time and then you will allow yourself to do Y for Z amount of time. Then rinse and repeat.


That just doesn't work for me. I just don't have the discipline to enforce that on myself when I'm down.
THE DUTCH!! THE DUTCH AGAIN!!!!!
Elomin Sha wrote:Dutch guy is the King of the Dutch.
User avatar
Mowinckel
Posts: 889
Joined: 12 Jul 2009, 12:20
First Video: Bump in the night
Location: Repensum est Canicula -Payback is a Bitch

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Mowinckel » 03 Jun 2012, 09:51

try to write down what DOES works for you (music, movies, youtube videos, books and stuff) It wont make it go away but I find that when I am depressed I can't remember anything that worked the last time. Its a little bit like being drunk, you have to decide not to drive BEFORE you are drunk, because you cannot/should not decide anything while you are.
If I'm half-mad, then which do you think I consider my better half?
User avatar
Dutch guy
Posts: 5195
Joined: 11 Feb 2008, 17:12
First Video: History of Halo
Location: Southern Dutch Colonies

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Dutch guy » 03 Jun 2012, 09:58

@bard, as I said, this thread is for venting. So vent all you want! SCREAM if it makes you feel better.
Also, damn dude, that's seriously rough. I just don't know what to say that wouldn't feel like it's completely beside the point. I'd say keep hanging in there, but I don't think thats the thing you need or want to hear. Just.. Good luck to you man!
THE DUTCH!! THE DUTCH AGAIN!!!!!
Elomin Sha wrote:Dutch guy is the King of the Dutch.
User avatar
Deedles
Posts: 4043
Joined: 29 Nov 2010, 13:19
First Video: Man Cooking
Location: A shoebox on Kashyyyk.
Contact:

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Deedles » 03 Jun 2012, 10:54

Bard, I'm speechless right now and this time it's not because I can't find the energy to find the words, I'm trying, but I can't find them. I know this doesn't help you, but maybe it's a nice thing to know, that if you lived close enough, fuck, even if you just lived in the same country as me, my door would be open for you anytime. Heck, if you ever come to Sweden the offer stands.
Hurp-De-Durp!
JustAName
Posts: 7669
Joined: 30 Mar 2010, 21:08
First Video: Rapidfire I
Location: The Land of Unbearably Fashionable People and Lots of Cars

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby JustAName » 03 Jun 2012, 12:13

Bard, I'll make you the same offer I did last time. Just take care of yourself, okay? <3
Alja-Markir wrote:Andy is the LRR Heart-throb.
Morgan is the LRR Crotch-throb.


And all I can do is read a book to stay awake. And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape.

Image
User avatar
the_lone_bard
Posts: 1870
Joined: 26 Nov 2010, 08:39
First Video: Black box...i think.
Location: The other victoria (aus)
Contact:

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby the_lone_bard » 03 Jun 2012, 22:56

Deedles, one day that may come into play, since I love Sweden.

And Fayili, you remain just as awesome as always, but I remain unable to accept that offer. Thank you though.
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/lone.bard
MsN: [email protected]
Skype: [email protected]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheLoneBard
Twitter: Thelonebard

I'm mean because you're stupid.
User avatar
Deedles
Posts: 4043
Joined: 29 Nov 2010, 13:19
First Video: Man Cooking
Location: A shoebox on Kashyyyk.
Contact:

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Deedles » 04 Jun 2012, 00:27

That's grand, it'd be awesome to meet you. =]
Hurp-De-Durp!
User avatar
Darkobra
Posts: 5343
Joined: 27 Jul 2007, 14:49
First Video: ISC: Goat Penis
Location: Scotland

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Darkobra » 04 Jun 2012, 01:00

And since Deedles fully intends to kidnap me, I suppose I'll be there drinking your booze!

What? I AM helping! I'm lightening his load! ... of booze.
Lyinginbedmon wrote:You are clearly some form of incorporeal undead.
Like a vampire.
But with knives.
User avatar
Dibria
Posts: 919
Joined: 30 Apr 2011, 12:40
First Video: The Job
Location: Somewhere between Lands End and John o' Groats

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Dibria » 04 Jun 2012, 01:10

Looks at Darkobra's location, reads post about booze again.

Darkobra, confirming stereotypes since whenever he was born.
Image
User avatar
Darkobra
Posts: 5343
Joined: 27 Jul 2007, 14:49
First Video: ISC: Goat Penis
Location: Scotland

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Darkobra » 04 Jun 2012, 01:29

For 25 years! And it gets worse. Every Friday at school lunchtime when I was 16, I gathered with my friends at a park, got a bag of chips and a bottle of whiskey. It sure as hell made that 2 hours of math tolerable!

One of my friends got so drunk he stood up on the table in class, started dancing and singing Stayin' Alive and passed out on the table. Funniest lightweight ever.
Lyinginbedmon wrote:You are clearly some form of incorporeal undead.
Like a vampire.
But with knives.
User avatar
the_lone_bard
Posts: 1870
Joined: 26 Nov 2010, 08:39
First Video: Black box...i think.
Location: The other victoria (aus)
Contact:

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby the_lone_bard » 04 Jun 2012, 02:47

...I don't know if I can actually buy booze in Sweden till next year. Since I only turn 20 in july.
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/lone.bard
MsN: [email protected]
Skype: [email protected]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheLoneBard
Twitter: Thelonebard

I'm mean because you're stupid.
User avatar
Deedles
Posts: 4043
Joined: 29 Nov 2010, 13:19
First Video: Man Cooking
Location: A shoebox on Kashyyyk.
Contact:

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Deedles » 04 Jun 2012, 03:08

You can buy booze with the alcohol volume up til 2,5-3,0 from normal stores, supermarkets and such, since you're 18. If it's any higher than that you have to buy it from a government owned chain of stores called Systembolaget, which you can do from the day you turn 20.
Hurp-De-Durp!
User avatar
Darkobra
Posts: 5343
Joined: 27 Jul 2007, 14:49
First Video: ISC: Goat Penis
Location: Scotland

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby Darkobra » 04 Jun 2012, 03:13

Aww. Tap water. PASS!
Lyinginbedmon wrote:You are clearly some form of incorporeal undead.
Like a vampire.
But with knives.
User avatar
the_lone_bard
Posts: 1870
Joined: 26 Nov 2010, 08:39
First Video: Black box...i think.
Location: The other victoria (aus)
Contact:

Re: The depression/depressing thread

Postby the_lone_bard » 04 Jun 2012, 03:28

Good thing I'm not a big drinker.
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/lone.bard
MsN: [email protected]
Skype: [email protected]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheLoneBard
Twitter: Thelonebard

I'm mean because you're stupid.
User avatar
Avistew
Posts: 2593
Joined: 12 Sep 2011, 18:34
First Video: Can't remember
Location: Oregon, USA

Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby Avistew » 05 Jun 2012, 12:34

I think I'm falling into depression again.
I'm stuck in France, with my family and friends in the US. I got to see said friends once a week when we played Deadlands (tabletop RPG), which I'm still attending from France through Skype.
For reasons I feel are total BS, the game has been moved to every other week. Basically, some of the players started a second game, but then they decided playing two games a week was too much, and instead of quitting one of the games they decided to annoy everyone else by alternating.

I already thought seeing people once a week wasn't enough. Now it's going to be every other week. I crave human contact.
Yet if I go out and meet people, knowing that I'm just waiting to be able to move to the US, I'm just going to be miserable about leaving them. I'm not sure I want to do that, or even how I would do it.

I'm worried my friends in the US will slowly drift away from me, like my former French friends did when I moved to Canada. I thought I would get to talk to them more through skype and the like, but it turns out they're only online when they're at work, and therefore busy. They're not online on the weekends, presumably because they're doing other stuff.
I still get to see Sean, and I'm not worried about my relationship with him, but I miss my friends so much. They say things about how we'll do this and that when I'm back, but I know it's going to be months, and I wish I could just be there right now.

I feel like I'm in exile and I hate it. The divorce isn't going fast, might take up to two years and getting my fiancé visa once the divorce has gone through will take six months. So I'm looking at between a year and two and a half years before I can be there for good, with potential visits in the meantime if the customs let me through.

I feel so lonely right now, I miss my friends, I feel like they're having so many experiences without me and that when I get back it won't do the same because I won't understand their in-jokes and so on. And that's if they even stay my friends for all that time. And I want to believe in them, but I've lost so many friends that I'm not being very hopeful right now.
Check out my webcomic, The Meddlers! (Currently not updating)
User avatar
LogicSword
Posts: 2149
Joined: 22 Sep 2010, 12:42
First Video: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
Location: Sheffield, UK

Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby LogicSword » 07 Jun 2012, 15:32

I just can't get the words I need to get out out. I feel like I need to write how I'm feeling out but it doesn't make sense to me or if it does I just look at it and feel like a whiny brat and delete it.

Just... ugh. I hate this constant melancholy. I hate my desire to hurt myself to make the thoughts go away. I hate that I can't have five minutes of happiness without dreading the moment it goes away. I hate how irritated I get with other people for mind numbingly stupid reasons. I hate feeling guilty for feeling like this.
JustAName
Posts: 7669
Joined: 30 Mar 2010, 21:08
First Video: Rapidfire I
Location: The Land of Unbearably Fashionable People and Lots of Cars

Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby JustAName » 07 Jun 2012, 19:50

GUESS WHAT, GUYS? I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU ALL. I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELVES, I LOVE YOU ANYWAY. <3
Alja-Markir wrote:Andy is the LRR Heart-throb.
Morgan is the LRR Crotch-throb.


And all I can do is read a book to stay awake. And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape.

Image
User avatar
the_lone_bard
Posts: 1870
Joined: 26 Nov 2010, 08:39
First Video: Black box...i think.
Location: The other victoria (aus)
Contact:

Re: The depressing depression thread

Postby the_lone_bard » 08 Jun 2012, 06:12

And that's why we love you.
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/lone.bard
MsN: [email protected]
Skype: [email protected]
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheLoneBard
Twitter: Thelonebard

I'm mean because you're stupid.

Return to “General Discussion”



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest