The depressing depression thread

[Ptangmatik]

Definite yay there pseud mate, talking about it is so much better than keeping it to yourself.

[Deedles]

Good on you, Pseudo. Getting help when you need it is only a good thing, and I'm glad you took that step. ^^

----

Ad for me, I had a realization about myself and my past, will have to remember it for when I speak to my psychologist.

[Deedles]

I came back from the vet not long ago, my cat, Lille One(brown fluffy one), had strained breathing so we took her there. Turned out something was wrong with her kidneys, and there was no way to cure or treat her, so we let her go to sleep...

We got her from an animal shelter, and she was my baby... She'd been mistreated, malnourished and abused by her previous owners, and despite that, while she was timid and easily scared, she was the sweetest cat. Always wanted cuddles, never bit or scratched anyone. I vowed that I would give her the best life a cat could have, filled with love and security. I was going to protect her. She was an angel, my angel, and while I try to take comfort in the fact that she isn't suffering anymore it's doing little to ease the pain of missing her... it breaks my heart just thinking about it. I couldn't protect her from this...

[Elomin Sha]

I had a similar thing with two of my cats. We already had three when I lived in a pub. One night I find one of our cats looking at the back door. I look to see two drenched kittens eating the cat's food. It seemed that they had been abandoned and found our cat flat.
I took them downstairs, my mother didn't want to keep them, but we did in the end. We had them for a long time until one was hit by a car and another died of kidney failure. I was with that one when she passed.
It's a crap feeling.

[AdmiralMemo]

I vowed that I would give her the best life a cat could have, filled with love and security.

And you did. It's not like you or anyone else has "solved" death and disease yet, but you did everything within your power. You gave her the best life you could within your power, and know that she loved it and loved you.

Grieve in your own way and remember the good times.

[ZePancakes]

So after my long history with anxiety it has come to the point where has shut me down in most/ if-not-all facets of life. Am now receiving council to deal with the cluster-f that is my mind. The only way is up.

[Deedles]

I had a similar thing with two of my cats. We already had three when I lived in a pub. One night I find one of our cats looking at the back door. I look to see two drenched kittens eating the cat's food. It seemed that they had been abandoned and found our cat flat.
I took them downstairs, my mother didn't want to keep them, but we did in the end. We had them for a long time until one was hit by a car and another died of kidney failure. I was with that one when she passed.
It's a crap feeling.

It is. I'd managed to calm myself down, watch some stuff to take my mind off it, and then our other cat (Winston, the black and white one in the photo) came home, and I just... Feel destroyed again. When they were both home you'd often find them near each other, like them both laying in the suitcase in the photo. When Lille One would get outside, but we'd want her back in, Winston would chase her and herd her back to the house. I can't help but wonder if he wonders where she is, though, seeing as cats are very intelligent he probably noticed that she was ill long before now. I'm projecting onto him, I know, so trying to just keep my mind from racing, but, yeah, easier said than done.

And you did. It's not like you or anyone else has "solved" death and disease yet, but you did everything within your power. You gave her the best life you could within your power, and know that she loved it and loved you.

Grieve in your own way and remember the good times.

I try to, me and the rest of the family are all trying to do just that. Thank you.

[My pseudonym is Ix]

I am not holding up well at the moment. I'm currently struggling to maintain control of my mental state, my mood swings are getting erratic and I'm in pretty much a near-constant state of worry about stupid shit. Beyond keeping up my medication and trying to keep hold of my state of mind, there is little I can do about this, and I don't really know why it is happening.

Everything I experienced during my big long post over the summer is starting to swing round again. I don't feel like I want to be happy any more- I want to drink myself into a stupor and just forget about the world. I want to find a big padded tree and punch it and punch it and keep on punching until everything's gone out of me, and then find a place to curl up and cry. And then have my friends come and tell me everything's alright, that I'm safe, that I don't need to worry.

It's a friend's birthday tomorrow. I'm fucking terrified of what I'm going to do.

[Deedles]

I hate you, universe... just give me my cat back now, please...

[AdmiralMemo]

If the universe worked like that, there are a ton of things I'd ask for, too. *hugs*

[Deedles]

*hugs back* Yeah, I imagine a lot of people would.

[cuddlyblade]

*sigh* Why can't I do anything right. I can't even apologize right it seems. Tried to apologize to a friend and ended up in a big argument with them.

[Elomin Sha]

I spend a lot of my time waiting, then I have to wait longer.

[JackSlack]

[post deleted]

[Mums]

I am not holding up well at the moment. I'm currently struggling to maintain control of my mental state, my mood swings are getting erratic and I'm in pretty much a near-constant state of worry about stupid shit. Beyond keeping up my medication and trying to keep hold of my state of mind, there is little I can do about this, and I don't really know why it is happening.

Everything I experienced during my big long post over the summer is starting to swing round again. I don't feel like I want to be happy any more- I want to drink myself into a stupor and just forget about the world. I want to find a big padded tree and punch it and punch it and keep on punching until everything's gone out of me, and then find a place to curl up and cry. And then have my friends come and tell me everything's alright, that I'm safe, that I don't need to worry.

It's a friend's birthday tomorrow. I'm fucking terrified of what I'm going to do.

Hey, I hope it went fine at your friends birthday. Maybe stay clear of alcohol for a while it usually induces depressions. I know that that might be what your going for, or just the temporary release of thoughts, I've been there myself. But right now it probably wont make you feel better, fight through it both you and I know that you will be better!

If you want to talk I'm here for you. I have a lot busy days but I will make sure to find the time. Stay safe please!

[Deedles]

Welp, just called my psychologist(who I had been planning to see today), because I really didn't feel up for going in for my appointment today because I'm feeling both physically and psychologically bad(which makes the half an hours walk, followed by a 10 minute train journey and then a 5-10 minute walk feel like a lot to do today)... and she got on my back about it, and I could hear she wasn't pleased.... I'm seeing her for fucking social anxiety, and TOLD HER I was feeling really bad today... Right now I'm in a mixed state of being really pissed and feeling really shit after that phonecall. I even made sure to call to let her know what was up, instead of just coping out completely.

[AdmiralMemo]

Can you change psychologists?

[Deedles]

I probably can, but decided to see her at least once more and explaining how that phonecall made me feel. Depending on how she reacts I'll see about changing or not. I feel like if I can be honest about this with good result then it could do a lot of good for me.

[RytelCSF]

So. Temple of the Lava Bears makes me want to play D&D again.

Problem is, I haven't played D&D in years and I'm honestly not sure if I could do it anymore.

When I started, 4e had just come out and a local gaming store specifically set up a group for new players. No one really had any idea what they were doing so getting rules or tactics wrong, or roleplaying poorly wasn't really a big deal.

But now the way my anxiety works I don't think I could get close to a table. Having to prove myself as a worthy tablemate amongst a group of strangers is bad. Doing so amongst a group a strangers who all know and banter with each other (which any group I find will likely be) is even worse.

Last time I played was a Pathfinder game over Skype where I actually had to excuse myself and broke down crying due to being harassed due to my poor play. I don't want to go through that again.

I dunno. I know I should just stay away and I won't realistically lose anything from it. But seeing this kinda stuff always feels like "Look at all the fun we're having that you'll never get to have!" which is just a punch in the gut.

[Arclight_Dynamo]

Might easing into it help? Playing a shorter game that doesn't emphasize crunchy mechanics may be a bit easier, especially if you can play it with just a few people you know who've also never played it before, so you're all on the same learning curve.

Maybe a game of Fiasco? It's short, it's best for three or four people, there isn't much in the way of hard mechanics, and (this is crucial) you can play it cooperatively to create a fun story for everyone. You're all working together, and everyone is supportive.

If you've not seen it played before, I'd highly recommend the TableTop episodes where they play it.

And, if after you've played it a few times, you find yourself comfortable in your gaming group, you may then want to give a one-shot D&D module a go.

[RytelCSF]

I've seen the Tabletop of Fiasco, and while it seems like it could be fun if you're comfortable with yourself and the group, if you're not it seems far worse than D&D could ever be.

Unlike D&D, you can't rely on mechanics or class abilities for anything. You have to play your character and you have to play them well. If everyone else can roleplay well and you can't? It's bound to be a disaster, and what's worse, since it's fully cooperative you're just letting them down too.

Fiasco looks and feels like something that I would want to stay very, very far away from.

[Deedles]

What is it that you find hard about roleplaying? I'm asking since there's so many aspects to it that could be found difficult, so I'm wondering what it is that you feel you have problems with?

You can PM me if you don't feel comfortable answering that here, or not, if you don't wish to answer at all. I understand if so is the case.

[JackSlack]

Rytel: Also consider looking at narrative card games like Gloom, Once Upon A Time and even James Ernest's Totally Renamed Spy Game. They scratch a similar itch while providing greatly more structure to fall back on.

[Arclight_Dynamo]

Oh, I see, I got that entirely backwards. Sorry Rytel. In that case, yeah, a more structured game, like JackSlack suggests, might be the ticket.

I've played Gloom with zero roleplaying at all, and it's still a good time.

[RytelCSF]

One of my big problems with roleplaying, specifically for D&D (though this applies to other games/settings as well) is that I don't really know how the world works.

There's lots of solutions to various problems that you're just supposed to be able to come up with immediately that would never occur to me because I don't live in a pre-Industrial world and it's something I wouldn't have considered.

(The situation where I broke down crying was due to another player insisting I (and only I) come up with a solution about how to cross a river. I kept saying I didn't know, because... I didn't know and I didn't want to say something stupid and be ridiculed. (I also wasn't allowed to roll to see if my character had a solution.) Yet he kept pressing me, halting the entire game for several minutes as I kept saying "I don't know, please stop asking me, I don't know" and continuing to loudly and forcefully press until finally I had to leave feeling like the biggest undeserving idiot in the world. I still don't know how the party ever crossed the river, but apparently they did.)

Similar to this is the lore, in any setting. No matter what I know and how much I read I feel like I never know enough to be able to speak in-character or perform actions intelligently, yet for everyone else it's second nature and also seemingly the number one pet peeve being people who don't know and follow the lore properly.