The depressing depression thread

[betsytheripper]

I saw a counselor yesterday, and we're meeting again next week so he can give me a list of referrals to be seen outside the school for long term psychotherapy (school only provides short term care). We discussed bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, seasonal affective disorder, and what may have triggered this episode, and he was the first counselor to ever ask a question that made me stop and think about why I react the way I do. If I could tie my attraction to this particular person to someone in my life at an early age. Honestly, I felt very comfortable with him, and it's sad that I can't work with him long-term.

I told one of my professors (the one for the class I feel behind in), and he said that being healthy and getting 75% on one homework is better than getting 100% but putting myself at risk.

My mood overall has improved from "accepting of death" to "ambivalent about death".

I think it is helping that a huge weight has been about half-lifted from my mind. The scholarship check I never got was reissued on Friday, and should be here any day: This means I can afford to buy food and pay rent and pay off some bills without going through emergency loan procedures. It won't be totally lifted until the check is in my hand, being deposited at the bank, but there is definitely a wash of relief.

And I want to say, to everyone, I'm proud of you for reaching out at some level (here or otherwise) to seek help for your problems. I would encourage everyone to bring it up with a medical professional, like your primary care physician, and maybe ask for a referral to a counselor. Help is out there, and there are people waiting to help you, they just need to know that you're there.

[AdmiralMemo]

I remember your name, but nothing about what happened or why you would be told that. In any case, you are welcome to let out some of your thoughts here.

And stop measuring your worth on what others say you should accomplish. Set your own lines.

I was told that because I can't be helped. And I don't disagree.

But with all respect, how would setting my own lines be helpful? I have to judge myself based on everyone around me, because how else am I ever going to fit in? If I can't do what others can, I can't discuss it intelligently with them. I can't interact ideally with them, in a way they would like. I can't help anyone. I can't be a useful component of any sort of community. I can't have my existence be worth something unless I'm worth something to someone.

And even if I have depression (which I can't even be certain of), that doesn't matter. I mean, Paul and Alex struggle with it, and yet they're both still hundreds of times more creative and humorous and wonderful and useful than I could ever be. If depression is a crutch, it's one that clearly can be overcome, and I can't manage to overcome it.

Setting small goals means nothing if everyone around me is completing larger ones, and getting further and further ahead from where I am.

This is depression lying to you again, Rytel. Depression is a devious bugger.

How far can a hummingbird swim, compared to a whale? How high can a cheetah fly, compared to an eagle? You set goals for you and don't worry about what other people are doing. I will never be a track runner, like some people I know. But I don't base my self-worth (what little of it I have) on that. We're all different, starting from different places, with different abilities, etc. And it's much easier for some people to do some things than others, just as it's much easier to get a Royal Flush if you're dealt:

Ace of Hearts
King of Hearts
Two of Spades
Jack of Hearts
Ten of Hearts

than it is if you're dealt:

Three of Clubs
King of Diamonds
Seven of Spades
Four of Hearts
Nine of Clubs

We're all not built to accomplish the same things. Accomplish what you can.

You will always be welcome here for as long as you remain the person you are- pleasant, kind, considerate.

Okay, before I get into anything else... have you met me? I'm an asshole. That's half the reason I have to be knowledgeable/skilled: I can't get by on my kindness, because that well doesn't go down very far.

Have you met me? I could be characterized the same way, and yet, here I am, as a Moderator of the Twitch chat. I don't think I'm a "people person" at all. I don't think I have the full skill set required of it, nor do I think I should have been chosen as one. I believe I'm a terrible Mod and there are times when I've contemplated giving it up for someone more qualified. Yet, here I am still doing it after over 2 years. I don't think I'm the best at it, and I certainly know some other people would do a better job. But what am I doing? I'm still working at it.
Alex thinks he's a terrible artist, and really doesn't feel like drawing sometimes. Know what he does? He keeps drawing. Whatever you're doing, just keep doing. The only way to accomplish anything is to suck at it long enough to actually make a difference.

No matter what I'm doing, whether it be playing a game, talking in a chat, or just interacting with a group of people, whether online or IRL, there's always someone there who resents someone like me who isn't up to their level being part of the discussion, who would rather I go away so someone better could potentially fill the void. Now, you could say "They're just being a jerk," and you're not wrong, but... if no one else in the group cares (and no one ever really does), I don't have any way to defend myself. I can't prove I belong if there's someone right there who says I don't, and I don't have any receipts to disprove them.

I don't think I belong here. I'm still here, though. I think I'm much worse at everything than you say you are, but I keep trying. That's what you need: determination. That's why we told you to set goals. Doesn't matter what they are. One goal I set one day a couple weeks ago was "I will take a shower." That doesn't sound like much, but it was after several months of depression and me not caring enough to bother with my own personal hygiene. And I accomplished that goal. I took a shower. I felt better. It's just a stupid, simple shower. Anyone can take a shower, but to me, it was an accomplishment.

I look at myself and you know what I say? "I'm a wreck. I'm a fraud. I'm worthless. I'm unlikeable. I'm a terrible human being." But also, "I'm a fighter." And you HAVE to fight this, because depression will literally kill you in some way if you don't.

You say "I can't be helped." Well, yes, there are some people who cannot be helped. But you know why they can't be helped? Because they themselves refuse to be helped. We can reach out to help you as much as we can, but in the end, it takes your will, your determination, your fight to accept that help. We're here for you, as much as you need us.

There's an old saying: You must take the first step alone. The rest of the steps, we'll take together.
Take that step. Please. For us. For yourself.

Please ignore that the "old saying" is from Star Trek V. Please.

[RytelCSF]

To be fair, I did set goals. And I did accomplish them. Namely, a job that pays enough that I could afford to live by myself, and my own place to live. I know I'm better off having accomplished those things. They don't feel like accomplishments, though. More like the participation ribbon of real life.

And my goal now is to get help. I couldn't before, what with my parents refusing to believe depression exists and telling me to "shut up and get over" any issues I had, combined with their insistence that they know where I am and what I'm doing at all times. I know, I could've lied, but I had to lie enough to keep up with my hobbies that were "for losers" or "not right with God." That was exhausting enough.

I have the freedom to do it now. But I'm still scared. Scared I'm not whatever enough to receive treatment, scared my parents will somehow find out, scared I'll have to go through a dozen therapists to find a decent one, scared insurance won't cover it even though they say they will... the list goes on.

[AdmiralMemo]

Guess what? I'll let you in on a little secret: Everyone's scared.

You have a place to live and a job to pay for that. That's more than some people can say. That's more than I could've said before today. (I just got a job offer today after almost a year of being unemployed.)

Comparing yourself to others will always make you feel small and worthless. Read the Guinness Book of World Records and you'll realize that anything you do has been done before, better, faster, more efficiently. But you don't have to be better than them. You know who you have to be better than? The Rytel of yesterday. That's it. You've already grown and accomplished a few goals. Keep at it. Get help. Use your freedom. And be scared.

A giant comet could hit the Earth tomorrow and wipe everything away. That's a scary thought. But what it should tell you is what's important: making today the best that you can make it.

It's all about attitude, and I can see that yours is better than the last time you were here. That's an improvement, so good job! Keep at it!

Another thing to remember: life is a marathon, not a sprint. Take it as it comes and don't take on too much. I know that from personal experience. You just wear yourself out and accomplish nothing.

[Dutch guy]

It kept bugging me that I did remember your name and somewhere in the back of my mind something kept ticking over on why you would feel you weren't welcome any more Rytel, so I looked back through this thread to find out what it was.

It seems you took a reply by Memo to your "last" past a little too personal. Reading back it might not have been the best post at the time. Like Memo said he is also not always the best at communication. (@Memo, read the footnote please)

I think what he was trying to say was not: "Go talk to someone else, we don't want to talk to you unless you do something". It was intended as: "Please, go ALSO talk to a professional as we feel you need more help than we can provide through a simple internet forum". I didn't start this thread for anyone to ever be excluded or told to get out (unless they were actually being jerks to someone). That was never the intention.

I still stand behind the point that it would be best if you can find a mental health professional to talk to. It'll probably be the hardest thing you ever have to make yourself do, but you'll feel better probably even after just making the appointment. It's not easy, it's very hard. The sneaky thing about depression is that your brain is pretty much actively trying to fight you on getting help. All those reasons you summed up why you are scared to do what you kinda know just needs to be done is your brain actively fighting against you. I have the same problem, my brain just keeps tossing up barriers and hurdles so that in the end I often just give up, sit back down and do nothing at all. To the point where I'm now in a half finished house with a kitchen that needs to be built, a half finished upper floor and stuff strewn all over the place because I just can't MAKE myself do anything most of the time. And it's annoying as fuck to put it mildy.



Comparing yourself to other people is not really useful. Some people with depression are high functioning, they can be depressed as hell and still appear to be massively productive, others slam shut when they get in a down period and just do nothing. Some can do something. Everyone reacts differently because everyone IS different. Getting yourself to do anything when you are feeling so down is very hard. For anyone. But the point here is that it's just that: Hard. For everyone. And hard is relative, there is no harder or easier. It's just hard. How difficult it is to do for YOU personally might vary, but it's impossible to then compare those experiences to that of others.

I will finish with this:

And I did accomplish them. Namely, a job that pays enough that I could afford to live by myself, and my own place to live. I know I'm better off having accomplished those things.

*Applause* That is fantastic! I am sincerely happy for you. Those are huge steps.


Footnote for Admiral Memo: Please don't take this the wrong way, I think you are a great person and at the time I would probably have said the same thing. In hindsight it's always easy to judge something as "not the right thing". Communication through text is probably the hardest method humans have and it's easy to get things ever so subtly wrong.

[Arclight_Dynamo]

I have the freedom to do it now. But I'm still scared. Scared I'm not whatever enough to receive treatment, scared my parents will somehow find out, scared I'll have to go through a dozen therapists to find a decent one, scared insurance won't cover it even though they say they will... the list goes on.

See, I understand that entirely. I was terrified of getting help. I was afraid of what the doctor would do, I was afraid of the side effects of medication, I was afraid nothing would help... I was afraid of a lot more than that, frankly. And deciding to get help was hard.

But, you know what? I didn't need to be afraid. Getting help is the best thing that has ever happened to me; getting on medication changed my life. Nothing I was afraid of happened. And now my psychiatrist is helping me get my life back on track.

The fear? It was part of my mental illness, part of my anxiety disorder. And my psychiatrist has told me that 80% of people with depression also have serious anxiety. So your fears? Those are your brain lying to you, like mine was lying to me.

Take it from someone who's been where you are: the fear is real. But it's unfounded. It's a lie. And you will see that for yourself.

[Deedles]

Why must I be such a pathetic piece of shit?

[Avistew]

Why must I be such a pathetic piece of shit?

You aren't. It's depression talking again. *Hugs*. Although I understand that when you (general you) feel like this, whatever other people say doesn't usually hold much weight. Hang in there, though! I always enjoy hearing from you. I think you have a lot to bring to the table. Depression's lying to you.

In more positive news, I think my antidepressants are starting to work. I'm not dreading everything all the time anymore. I'm not really happy and positive either, more around neutral, but that's a good step. Hopefully as I keep taking them it will get better and better.

[MrL]

Hi, I'm not all that active here on the forum but let me tell my story;
I hope this doesn't make people sink even deeper into depression but rather to prove that these things can be overcome.

November two years ago I lost my job, a job that I absolutely loved both tasks and coworkers, and consequently I had to move back to my parents' place. This tore me apart and despite them telling me I was welcome back I felt they didn't mean it and that I was mostly in the way.
Time moved on and I decided to go back to school. I failed one course after another and eventually dropped out. So there I was unemployed and depressed as EFF. I tried speaking to a friend about my situation and I did get a whole new perspective on things but in the end she never truly understood how far down the rabbit hole I'd gone.
As time progressed I decided to commit suicide. I planed extensively for quite some time and even sent a letter to said friend and my parents. I then poisoned myself.
Before I passed out I stopped myself and called an ambulance who later took me to the hospital where I spent the next three weeks locked up in a psych ward. There my parents and my friend often visited me and we straightened the whole issue out.
A few weeks after coming home again a terrible guilt struck me; all this time I'd only thought about myself and never about the friends and family who would mourn me and the chock I caused them.

I've now been on anti depressants for 13 months and this aforementioned guilt is the worst feeling I've had under this time.
The point I'm trying to make is that the most important thing (for me, which I failed at) was CLEAR COMMUNICATION, I thought everyone already knew about it when in fact people around me didn't have the slightest clue. Another thing is that the saying "time heals all wounds" is nice and all but very far from the truth; we have to sit down, open up and solve things before the healing can begin.

To everyone out there, both writers and readers of this thread; help is out there, I know we think we can push through it ourselves but we only exhaust ourselves.
Talk to someone; a friend, a coworker, a parent, a teacher. Let them help you carry the burden.

This was quite hard for me to write as few people around me know about this, even to this day.
This is the first time I've opened up this much. Thanks for being there and listening.

[King Kool]

MrL, thank you very much for sharing that. Your work on the wiki has been indispensable, so I hope I have adequately expressed how much we all appreciate the work you do there.

[the_lone_bard]

I'm not sure how coherant this is gonna be, I'm just gonna start typing because I'm so lost in my own head I can't order things properly anymore.

So, a week ago I applied for a post paid phone plan and got rejected because I have no credit history. This lead to a mini-meltdown out of nowhere for a few hours, and then everything went back to normal. Except it didn't, because this is me. Instead that was the catalyst to start things festering under the surface.

Things were great for a few months. No problems, nothing wrong. I slowly started building up a bit of debt and oh well I'm sorting out my life it'll get fixed. Well, that's got a bit out of control. I'm in debt just shy of $1000 now. With a whole $190 a fortnight to repay that with, while also trying to buy anything I need in life that isn't a house or food.

Well, I've spent the last 9 days or so just in my own head. For awhile I've started feeling the subtle signs of not belonging here. Nothing from my room-mates, but me. I wake up every day and as of about 6 weeks ago my first thought is "This isn't my bedroom." because it's not Melton, or my grandmothers house. It passes, but it wasn't there to begin with, but it is now. I don't know why.

My course ends in just over a week, the course I've not done any work for. I can justify it, but wont bother to, I shoulda done the work and passed it. Which means soon enough I'm gonna lose my centrelink income and if I'm lucky be put onto job seeker payments. I'm also "looking for a job" though so far all I've done is borrow my room-mates electric shaver to get rid of my horribly out of control beard and look somewhat human. Discovered I have word on my PC, haven't opened it to write a new resume though. Not that I'd know what to put in it when I do since it could be a post it note with my name and phone number and "I need this job" and it'd be just as accurate while conserving paper. I'll figured it out, but dreading that.
My brain is just amazing right now, I can't really hold onto or focus on anything for more than 20 seconds at a time. I mean, I can, but I can't. I'm so lost in my own mental masochism that by the time I'm halfway through finishing a sentence my mind's jumped 3 steps ahead and is busy beating me up for something entirely different. It's not like I've actually gotten stupider, I'd argue my intelligence remains intact I just can't focus it on ANYTHING.

I was speaking to my friend a few days ago and I kinda lost it. I just asked her why she'd decided to take such an interest in fitness over other people, explained that I know plenty of people who enjoy working out but didn't become a personal trainer or do these random challenges. Trying to get an answer was like pulling teeth, she snapped at me, I snapped back. Because why the fuck is it so hard to ask her any questions about anything. I ask my other friends about their interests and they tell me. I asked a friend why she was so obssessed with fucking one direction and got a half hour long conversation. Why is it so different with her, it's like I have to be extra careful to not accidentally take an interest in her life. So of course I'm busy being terrified I've lost her for good. Most likely she'll speak to me at some point in a few weeks, I could maybe speed it up but I'm too terrified of pissing her off more if I try talking to her now.

Similarly, my friends who live just down the road, I feel welcome there, like people actually want me around. But, I still don't feel like I belong. I'm extremely self aware of the fact that if I know something, I'll explain the answer for it rather than just stating "This is answer." and they don't hate me for it. But, they don't care for it either, so when they pointed it out to me I told them that's cool, sorry I don't realize I'm doing it, just point it out or just ignore me. That's not the actual problem. There is no real problem. I was leaving a few days ago and one mentioned "I've got work tomorrow and the next day, so don't come over too early." and so I didn't come over for 2 days, period. And, then the last couple days when I did go back round, things just felt wrong. Not with them, they were the same as always. But with me, I couldn't just sit around anymore for a few hours. I mean, a week ago I'd have headed over there shortly after waking up (Like less than a minutes walk away from my house remember.) and then chilled out basically just doing nothing until they had something to do and told me to head off or until they went to bed, that's just how it's been for a few months since I live so close it's like eh, fuck it, I've walked further to have a conversation with someone I recognize on the street, so a lot of the standard things that'd be weird (Like me hanging around until they are about to go to bed) just really aren't, I mean, there's houses larger than the distance between our houses. But the last few days? Just felt wrong, it was like I'd regressed to the day I met them where I was terrified to say or do anything because someone might not like it, except this time I KNOW they are cool with it.

And here's another friend, who means the world to me. He was the only one to talk to me and keep me company online 10 years ago back when I was stuck with my mother. I mean, he might be responsible for some less than great things, like introducing me to 4chan when I was 13. But, he was one of the smartest, kindest and funniest people I knew. But, it's become more and more clear since I got here than a few years ago he just gave up on life. He slowly started losing things and just doesn't care. It's at the point now where he messaged me asking if he can walk 2 hours to bum some smokes off me, and I spent 20minutes responding all the while struggling to hold back from giving the impression I'm attacking him, that no. He's 3 years older than me, and this isn't cool. He has no smokes because he has literally once managed to report to centerlink on time, and that was the day I did it for him to demonstrate how it happens. Every other time he's almost 2 weeks late reporting, so a week late getting paid. And he's covered in sores that make him look like a meth addict (He isn't.) but just doesn't go to a doctor. He has a kid and can feed the kid main meals but can't aford to buy enough food for snacks when he has the kid on weekends, is he looking for a job? Nah, he's coming down to our friends place just down the road and getting stoned all day every day. And I hate having to be the one to take the first step and say something, but honestly it feels like either I reality check him hard enough now, or sit around and watch as he becomes homeless, forms addictions and gives up on life in slow motion.

Then here's my health, see I done been dumb when I moved here and wound up having a bunch of fun and building up some debt. Now I don't have spare money. See, that means I have no reliable access to a pphone that can make calls, so I've just been on/off my meds trying to make them last since I got here, and now they're gone, no more repeats and literally no doctors here even know I exist. But, when on my meds, my stomach suddenly goes insane. I get hungry all the time and eat everything in site, which is how it has been lately. Probably more healthy than the 75kg guy who walks multiple K's per day yet eats one meal a day, but I don't have any food. I can't afford it. My rent includes food, and my room-mates brought sausages and there was a whole bag of them. That I ate all of within 5 days. So, a couple days, and last night I got home and ate a shitload of packets of potato chips, like way more than I should have. Then 4 pieces of toast. Then like 8 icy-poles, then a few hours after they'd both gone to work I decided to grab a small chicken breast out, defrost it and make lemon chicken and rice. Mentioned I did that before, and my room-mate asks me a second time to please not touch the meat in the freezer. There's plenty there, he literally didn't notice until I mentioned it. That's not the point, the point is he asked me not to do a thing, and I wound up so hungry because of my own mistakes with my health I did it anyway. It's not like I can say "Oh I'll replace them when I get paid." because, I keep enough to buy smokes and meds (Which I can't buy anymore.) and then just give him the rest to try make some sort of dent in my debt, which winds up basically being about $100 out of the $1000 I owe him every 2 weeks, and then spend the next 2 weeks borrowing $5 and $10 here and there for things I need, so really it's more like $50 every 2 weeks. I'm actually so fucking bad with money I can't afford to not be hungry any more. And meanwhile, my room-mates are together. I was always kinda worried about moving here, intruding on their space. That went more or less away quickly. But, now I find myself terrified Penny is gonna be like "It's just a chicken breast" sticking up for me and then cause problems for them that wouldn't have happened if I'd never moved here.

Of course I would have had to move within 2 months of when I did regardless since both my grandparents decided to die. So it's not like I can just run bcak to the hellish life I had that is safe and comfortable and familiar and never gonna go away, because it did go away. The point of a safety net is that it gives you peace of mind by always being there whether you use it or not, right? Well, doesn't work if the safety net isn't there anymore.

And of course, to fix my life I'd just need $1000. I'd have enough leftover after bailing myself out of debt to go get a nice good quality meal from a restaurant even! But instead, I'm looking at job ads and every last one of them requires the same things I don't have, experience and a drivers license. And sure eventually I'll find one I'm sure, I have to. And it'll probably be a whole $50 a week more than I currently get knowing my luck, but it'll be something.

Yet I examine every aspect of my life, and I've never been the person to sit here going "WHY ME!" but, why me? What did I do, I got a bunch of shit luck and a shitty family, so I quit school at 13 and got depressed and did nothing with my life. Fair enough. But why can't I have nice things. Why can't I catch a break, I do everything I can, try so so hard to fix my mistakes, and where do I wind up? Wanting to just crawl into a hole and die. I'd give everything for my friends because they mean everything to me, and yet, it feels like with all but 2 of them I'm only here when someone needs something. Whether it's kind words, a joke or a smoke, doesn't matter, nobody really bothers to talk to me just 'cause they want my company, and maybe that's just the fact that I'm much more open about the fact my friends mean so much to me that makes me think that, but it sucks none-the-less. I just try to do what I needa do to survive somewhat comfortably without inconveniencing anyone more than I absolutely need to, and I wind up starving, having eaten a whole croissant (Fist one I've ever had cause of the cost, they're quite nice apparently.) and some rice and chicken 16+ hours ago for all of today, feeling like shit and scared to touch anything else because it might be taking too much of things I didn't buy, because I can't buy them, I have no clue what's gonna happen once my course ends or where I'll end up a year from now. I'm worried I'm intruding on my friends space by living with them, I'm constantly worried my friends are all gonna turn around and reveal that they don't actually like me, they just pity me. I'm terrified I'm watching one of my best and oldest friends slowly ruin his life worse than mine and I wont be able to get through and stop him doing it in time. I feel like I don't belong, just, in general, like I suddenly woke up in someone else's life, only sadly I didn't, that'd mean that in act 3 I could find the mcguffin and go back to my life, except this is my life. It's only been just over a week, and I dealt with feeling like this for YEARS day in and day out up until a few months ago. But right now, for the last week it's felt like someone's slowly closing their fist around my heart because of anxiety, and I dunno if I can take it any more. A few months ago, this was just fine, I'd deal with it and it'd just be the feeling of life. But now, I just wanna crawl into a hole and die so I don't have to feel like the world itself is out to get me anymore, a nice comfortable hole with no other people to care about or to worry about not caring about me, it'd be so nice. Just, the ability to live or die somewhere I don't have to be terrified of life and the future and my past and the people I care about and the people I don't and everything... I know, I'm having a sook because I happened to be born as a sentient human and everyone else can handle it just fine, and I know in the end I'll make it through, I'm a testament to the fact some people just don't stay down, I just wonder how I'll come out the other side of this. Am I gonna manage to finally get it together? Or do I come out of this addicted to heroin with no friends anymore? Most likely somewhere in the middle ground, but even then I don't know. Maybe I need to just give up hope, because I never know how exactly things will end but I always hope they'll end somewhat ok. They never do, maybe life'd hurt less if I just started hoping for whatever the worst case scenario is?

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

Waiting on hearing if mum has cancer again.....

Personally I am feeling better than I have been about it. Sadly, mum and I are not a hive mind, so her mental state is independent from me.

[the_lone_bard]

I really hope you get some good news man.

In other news, I was kinda irritated when reading the wiki page for Delerium how closely it was matching me, and reminded of the fact that most psychological dissorders fit me way too closely for comfort.
Well fuck, there is now no question I am in fact suffering delerium. There is no way I meet the symptoms this accurately (If I could somehow attach a % to it, I'd say 80%, but that's really hard to explain how I arrived at that number while taking into account how accurately I fit certain symptoms and how tangentially my relation to others could be, that's just what I'd guess at if that whole thing was a %) while also having checked off a good chunk of things that can trigger an episode in someone susceptible to it, seriously, things that can cause an episode that I have; Malnutrition, dehydration, anemia, I take (And regularly stop taking) steroids for my stomach, psychological pain, chronic illness (Ulcerative collitis) post-traumatic event maybe (I finally got away from my grandmother, and then my grandparents both decided to die within a month and I'm still waiting for that to hit me.) substance withdrawal (Forcing myself to smoke less, also haven't smoked weed since the day before DB started, when I'd otherwise been stoned for the previous 4 straight months, also haven't had any caffeine in days)

[Duckay]

The_lone_bard, are you a trained medical professional? Because if not, don't mess around with "there's no way I could fit this closely..." based on a wiki page. If you have concerns, go see a professional who can diagnose you properly if appropriate, don't jump to conclusions.

It sounds like you're going through a hard time right now, but that only adds beef to the notion to you should seek out support, not self-diagnoses.

[Avistew]

I agree with Duckay. Self-diagnosing isn't a good idea. I strongly recommend you see a health professional who will be able to diagnose you, and counsel you once a diagnosis has been reached. Since they can also provide medical care, I would say this is definitely the way to go.

I'm really sorry about everything that has happened to you. *Hugs*.

[Merrymaker_Mortalis]

I too recommend seeking professional diagnosis.

As a petty example, I found a lump in my mouth. I panicked because I thought it could be mouth cancer. Turned out to be just inflamed mouth tissue and it's really common.
If it happened the other way round, could be serious.

Such great worth having a proper diagnosis.

A friend of mine has immense pain. It was only after she was diagnosed with having a condition with her womb that she was able to get treated and have a better quality of life, because it was known how to help her. When it was a mystery is was a misery.

[Dutch guy]

Ughhh, I hate my brain and the routines it gets trapped in. Even when I'm fully aware of what's happening...

[AdmiralMemo]

I was beating myself up for being a stupid idiot who's absolutely worthless, has no skills, and can't even get a job, so he'll lose everything he owns...

And then I was confronted with someone even stupider... That was some mood whiplash from depressed to angry.

Why are anger and sadness so intricately linked?

[My pseudonym is Ix]

Not quite on topic but: a friend and coursemate of mine has died in an accident in China. A lovely chap, taken from us far too soon. He will be missed.

And again. For the second time in as many months, a friend of mine from uni passed away on Wednesday. He was coursemate too. Apparently he was involved in a motorbike accident and was pronounced dead at the scene, and the outpouring of emotion for him online has been staggering.

I'm holding up OK, but... man, this is happening too often.

[TStodden]

Memo & Rytel~

I know that feeling... I know comparing yourself with some of the Guinness World Record holds can be depressing, just considering the people BEHIND that those records. I'm not talking about holders, but the people in the background that have to verify & support those records. It's a pretty thankless job that nobody seems to notice... which I was a part of. I'd have to dig into my digital archives, you'll actually find my name in the back of one of the Guinness Book of World records when they started including video game world records (where I actually verified two of them that made it into the hardcover). One thing I've learned is that there's generally five or more people in the background making sure the one in the limelight shines.

As for anger & sadness / depression being related... the only difference is direction of focus (anger being outwards, depression being inward)... which is a odd tidbit that I've picked up from M*A*S*H.

Recently, I've been sliding into some bad habits at home... mostly as my brother (& roommate) will be away a lot longer than originally expected. I was originally suppose be 7-8 weeks, but is now 7-8 MONTHS. This is somewhat of a mixed blessing as I pretty have the apartment all to myself, but... I have the apartment all to myself. It's mostly the loneliness & lack of motivation to upkeep a few things. With the holidays approaching & loss of traditions, it just seems like every other day...

It's not that I'm scare of going out... it's just that I seem to find people with similar interests locally (which is why I generally drawn online... with my 19th online anniversary next Sunday). The local / retro game store(s) are nice for some older games, but some of the extras tend to be geared for the "Bro Gamers"... The stereotypical frat guy who pretty play all the annualized FPS & traditional sports games, which I just don't enjoy (there's nothing unique or interesting about them as each new release seems to be a near carbon-copy of the previous release with slightly new graphics & internal tweaks), & pretty much nothing else.

I'll probably check in with my parents to see if there's anything going on for Thanksgiving to potentially shake this holiday slump off.

[Deedles]

Why must I be such a pathetic piece of shit?

You aren't. It's depression talking again. *Hugs*. Although I understand that when you (general you) feel like this, whatever other people say doesn't usually hold much weight. Hang in there, though! I always enjoy hearing from you. I think you have a lot to bring to the table. Depression's lying to you.

In more positive news, I think my antidepressants are starting to work. I'm not dreading everything all the time anymore. I'm not really happy and positive either, more around neutral, but that's a good step. Hopefully as I keep taking them it will get better and better.

... I'm really sorry for not responding to this sooner, I really thought I had! I remember typing out a post, but... I must of not posted it. Goddamnit. >_<

Thank you for your kind words, Avi. They might not of reached me in that moment, but once my brain started stabilizing again I really appreciated it.

[Avistew]

*hugs* No worries

[King Kool]

Just had a thought based on Matt's Twitter description calling himself a "dog person."

Now, I prefer cats. I got no beef with dogs, but I'm not really into dogs. I don't like the attention they seek, I don't like them if they're too big or too slobbery or whatever. But I love cats, love them to death, even though I'm allergic to them, and even though cats don't express their love in the same obvious way. Some people think cats don't love people at all. Well, maybe they don't and it's just us giving their behavior some sort of significance.

So, what does this have to do with the Depression thread?

Well, my own strange tendency to develop crushes on gay women aside, I just realized how much I love cats could easily reflect how much I can love someone... without them ever loving me back. It's just part of my personality. And maybe whatever moments of affection I notice from them is purely my imagination.

That was the most depressing thought I've had in a long time.

[Avistew]

I personally don't understand why anyone would think cats can't love. Cats are very social animals despite being very independent. They have a comparatively easy time surviving in the wild, compared to a lot of other pets, yet they choose to be around people. You can see how differently some cats treat "their" human and other humans who happen to live with them.

I've almost always lived with at least one cat, and while they have different personalities, they express affection in ways I don't find ambiguous at all. And while you could say that they only jump on your lap for warmth or something, they wouldn't jump on you if they didn't completely trust you (and often there are warmer spots they ignore because they aren't you).

One thing I remember is when I went away and had to leave my cat behind. I was told how she slept on my clothes the whole time (which she didn't do when I was around). It was really sweet.

Cats and dogs do show affection in different ways, but cats are very much capable of love. Now, I'm not sure how that affects the rest of your post, but it makes me think that what you're imagining is not that people care about you, but that they don't. I think you're more likely to ignore signs of affection that imagine them. *Hugs*. I hope you feel better soon.

[Avistew]

I personally don't understand why anyone would think cats can't love. Cats are very social animals despite being very independent. They have a comparatively easy time surviving in the wild, compared to a lot of other pets, yet they choose to be around people. You can see how differently some cats treat "their" human and other humans who happen to live with them.

I've almost always lived with at least one cat, and while they have different personalities, they express affection in ways I don't find ambiguous at all. And while you could say that they only jump on your lap for warmth or something, they wouldn't jump on you if they didn't completely trust you (and often there are warmer spots they ignore because they aren't you).

One thing I remember is when I went away and had to leave my cat behind. I was told how she slept on my clothes the whole time (which she didn't do when I was around). It was really sweet.

Cats and dogs do show affection in different ways, but cats are very much capable of love. Now, I'm not sure how that affects the rest of your post, but it makes me think that what you're imagining is not that people care about you, but that they don't. I think you're more likely to ignore signs of affection that imagine them. *Hugs*. I hope you feel better soon.